Potions, Poems and Present-Day Problems Part Tres (Three)
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A/N: Good lord, what have we done?!? We don't know, exactly. However, this is part is insane, of course… you already knew that, didn't you? We're very happy if you're actually reading this thing. In fact, I think I'll quote some more Bon Jovi:
I'm gonna hold you
Till your hurt is gone
Be the shoulder
That you're leaning on
I'll be standing here
For the next 100 years
If it all should end tonight
I'll know it was worth the fight
And we'll be standing here
For the next 100 years
-The Next 100 Years, Bon Jovi
Let us begin the fic… and the insanity!
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Passageway Concealed Within Hogwarts Behind a Loose Brick Created By The
Marauders That Fred, George, Harry, Hermione and Ron Would Someday Find and
Follow in Their Footsteps, Then Discover Their Ultimate Destiny! I bet the
marauders made it."
"No duh." Fred said.
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they found many odd things. Namely, a large cauldron, enough pizza to feed
both the American and British armies, several different types of spoons, a
mound of chocolate, a refrigerator full of 6-packs, and shelves of potion supplies.
"We didn't have to steal Snape's stuff after all! Everything we need is
right here!" Fred said. "Not that! Put that down! We need to work on the potion!"
"Go right ahead. I have some 'inspecting' to do. Mainly the inspection of what sugar does to the brain, heehee."
"Get over here and help me! This is the Hidden Passageway Concealed
Within Hogwarts Behind a Loose Brick Created By The Marauders That Fred,
George, Harry, Hermione and Ron Would Someday Find and Follow in Their
Footsteps, Then Discover Their Ultimate Destiny, not the Hidden Passageway
Concealed Within Hogwarts Behind a Loose Brick Created By The Marauders That Was Made Entirely for Drinking Beer and Eating Sugar! Now help me
with this!"
"Fine," George grumbled as he put down a box of pizza and started
reading Moste Potente Potions.
"Here it is, 'Deed-Be-Gone'! Note, does not work on serious cases such as death, birth, the loss of limbs, or cussing out your mum. First, add seven
grams of plimpy hairs…"
It took them until 10:00 PM to finish it and it came out looking like window
cleaner. They put it in a spray bottle, then spelled it to hold the entire
cauldron-full.
"Shall we try it out?" George said anxiously as he wrung his hands.
"I… I guess. Here, what's something we would want to undo? Hmm…"
Apparently George already knew something that would be good to undo. He put
his arms around his brother's waist and kissed him smack on the lips.
"Bleeargh!" Yelled Fred. "What did you think you
were doing?" George hurriedly sprayed the deed-be-gone on Fred.
"Oh, I'm sorry, dear brother…" Fred said, immediately forgetting. "Why was I yelling at you?"
"Let me put it this way," George grinned, "the deed-be-gone works."
"Oh. Well, I guess if you say it works, although I certainly don't
remember you testing it, then we should use it on Snape." Fred whispered.
"But how are we going to get to him and use the spray?" George inquired.
"I have a feeling that Snape is still looking for us, and he should be
running by our Hidden Passageway Concealed Within Hogwarts Behind a Loose
Brick Created By The Marauders That Fred, George, Harry, Hermione and Ron
Would Someday Find and Follow in Their Footsteps, Then Discover Their
Ultimate Destiny right about… NOW!" Fred yanked the bottle of deed-be-gone
from George's hands, pulled the secret brick from the wall, and gave the
handle a good squeeze. In one quick squirt, the bluish potion hit something
solid... Snape.
Fred stepped back, still grasping the bottle and out of breath.
George thought quickly (for once) and slammed the brick back in the hole.
"Whew!" They exhaled exhaustedly.
"Fred, we'd better head back to the common room. After all, tomorrow is
Sunday, and seeing as you got us into that mess with Flitwick and the hail
Mary's, we're supposed to go to church with him tomorrow morning."
"YOU TOLD HIM WE'D GO?" Fred yelled.
"Well, yeah." George said. "I didn't want to seem evil and anti-religion."
"Bless our father." Fred muttered.
The next morning, Fred and George put on their best dress robes and
headed to see Flitwick.
"Are you sure we have to do this?" Fred whined as he tugged on his bow
tie.
"Yes, we do."
"Even Sunday School?"
"Yes, even Sunday School. Don't worry, it will only be about an hour or
two out of our life and it's the only time we have to go. Mum and dad don't
make us go normally. All we have to do is suffer for a little while, then we're in the clear."
"Can't we use the Deed-Be-Gone on Flitwick?"
"No, we need to save it for emergencies. Besides, church can't be that
bad."
It was.
During Sunday School, the youth pastor was just as boring as
Binns and twice as loud and Hagrid on a rampage. He droned on and on about
things while George slept. Fred tried to listen, but he was too busy staring
at Lavender.
"Gregorius! Awaken lest the Lord's wrath fall upon ye!" the youth pastor
bellowed when his hawk eyes spotted George. The poor boy awoke with a start…
"Bras! No, the answer is twelve! Mt Rushmore! Uh, Funituculus charms! I
didn't do it!" George shouted as he woke up quite startled. The class
giggled, but the youth pastor was livid.
"Gregorius! You are to stay after church and aid in the disinfecting and
cleansing of thine linoleum walking surfaces in the name of the Lord God
Almighty!"
"Humph." George scowled at the little man teaching his class. "I'm
seventeen, I don't need this." He set down his Bible and walked straight out
of the church.
This startled Fred, who realized that if he didn't use the deed-be-gone now, something would be growing on he and George's faces, most likely pink octopus tentacles, severe green acne, or bubotuber pus, and it would be inflicted by a rather nasty charm from the youth pastor, who already had his wand raised. Fred reached for the bottle which he had hidden under his row of the pews and sprayed the whole class. He ran out the door just in time to hear everyone say, "How did Fred and George Weasley get in here?"
He joined George outside of the church, and they were both gasping for
breath (again). "Please forgive me Father, I have sinned," Said George
somberly, before erupting in a fit of unmanly giggles.
They bolted back to their dorms, still laughing. Fred laughed so hard that he cried, and he had to spray the deed-be-gone everywhere he went, so the people passing by would not remember seeing the insane duo. They rounded one last corner before the Gryffindor common room, and Fred would have continued his spraying, except for one small problem… Dumbledore was standing right in front of them, and it wouldn't be a good idea to use their potion here.
"So, boys, did you have fun at church?" Dumbledore obviously did not
expect an answer to this question, as he continued. "Mr. Weasley, Mr.
Weasley," he did his traditional nod to each of them before carrying on his
conversation, "it has come to my attention that you have been using excessive
amounts of deed-be-gone…" Dumbledore's eyes sparkled as he said this, but
then dimmed. "Deed-be-gone is a third degree inhalant, that's one degree away
from being the worst, if you didn't know… and it can get you sent to Azkaban.
I don't believe you've been inhaling this…potion… but you still need to be
sent to Madame Pomfrey's for cleansing. Please head to her office and strip
yourselves of all clothing for inspection. Standard procedure." With this,
Dumbledore turned around and left, his dark purple cloak swirling and
swishing on the ground behind him.
Fred and George groaned collectively before heading reluctantly and
faithfully to the nurse's office. They certainly didn't want to die of sniffing deed-be-gone.
"I don't know about you, Fred, but that old bat has to be at least
eighty, and frankly, I don't think we should go!"
"I agree, brother dearest, but there is nothing we can do. Let us head
towards the hospital wing. You can always move your hands around."
"Great." George sighed. "Why do you always have to look on the bright
side?"
"Because." This seemed to be good enough reason for both of them and they continued their regretful walk.
All too quickly, they arrived at the hospital ward and were greeted a
little too cheerfully for their liking by a toothless old bat by the name of
Madame Poppy Pomfrey. Far from her usual self, she was grinning happily, and
romantic opera music was playing suspiciously in the background. Candles were
lit all around the hospital wing, and pink and red butterflies were flitting
about the area.
"Take your clothes off, boys, we've got some inspecting to do." She
cackled insanely, making the twins cringe. They exchanged worried glances
before stripping down.
---------------Let Us Close a Curtain of Courtesy Around this Scene------------
They both came out shaking and swearing they would never sniff anything
as long as they possibly lived.
"I'd rather die than go through that again," George whimpered as they
headed to the Gryffindor common room.
"Be careful for what you wish for…"
"Fred, don't say things like that," George replied.
"I didn't say anything. I thought that was you talking to yourself
again!" Fred exclaimed, a bit worried.
"Of course he didn't say that. I did," a mysterious voice came from the
shadows.
"Who's there?"
"And please don't say we have to strip for the nurse again…"
Two boys stepped out from the shadows. They both had long red hair that
hung in ponytails behind their pale freckled faces. They wore robes that
looked like they were from the sixteenth century and both had a fencing sword
at their sides. Both boys were an exact copy of the other one.
"You will not have to strip for that old hag again, although I must say
she rather enjoyed it…" the first boy said.
"Allow us to introduce ourselves. I am Frances and this is my twin
brother, Gregorius." Frances bowed deeply.
"Hey!" George exclaimed, "That's what that decrepit Sunday School teacher called me!"
"So, he still remembers the time I fell asleep in his class while dear
Frances was staring at Violet." Gregorius remembered this well, everyone
could tell.
"Hey, Fred, weren't you eyeing Lavender this morning?" George
"Yes, he was. Just like we used to. We have simply come to tell you that
you have achieved you 1,000,000,000th punishment. We are proud that some one like you two were able to find our book. You are Fred and George Weasley,
aren't you?" Frances wondered thoughtfully.
"Yes, and you are Slytherins, I presume?" Gregorius inquired interestedly.
"No." Said George.
"Yes." Fred replied.
"No, we are Fred and George." George whispered.
Fred answered, "Yes, we aren't Slytherins."
"Or is it yes, we are Fred and George and no, we aren't Slytherins…" George questioned, quite confused about their present state.
"You're not Slytherins?" Gregorius and Frances nearly yelled this
question, both surprised and remorseful. Everyone was apparently very
confused about all that had been happening. The palms of their hands were
sweaty with nervousness and their faces were all very red. No one could tell
whether they had fever or were simply scared half to death, and it really
didn't matter, because the twins standing before Fred and George were already dead, and they couldn't get any deader.
"Let me start again." Frances said. "I am Frances Weasley, and this is my
twin brother Gregorius. We are pleased that you found our book, as it was a
labor of much hard work and love of potions. I trust that you like potions?"
He asked.
"Not very much." Said George, completely astonished. However, Fred was not as easily worried.
"Oh, I knew that." Fred said disconcertedly. "You looked like you were
related to us. So, why are you here, anyway, O great ancestors?"
"We came to congratulate you on your 1,000,000,000th punishment. Long
ago, we put a curse on Moste Potente Potions so that when just the right
descendants came along… a pair of twins with the last name Weasley, who were
cunning and humored and who had had 1,000,000,000 punishments… then we would be able to come back and greet them for a short time. You see,
we had 1,000,000,000 detentions under our belts when we died. We were brewing a deed-be-gone potion when there was a freak accident, and we inhaled just a little too much of it. But apparently, something has gone wrong. If you're
not Slytherins, then I would wager you two are Gryffindors. Am I not right?"
Gregorius said sternly.
"Yes, you would be correct." Fred gulped.
"Well, we were looking for two Slytherins, but I suppose you boys will
have to do. We have a gift for you that we must hand over right now. We do
not have time to explain, I'm sorry, but our time is rapidly ceasing. Good to
meet you, descendants. We are honored that two twins finally came along in
the Weasley family with such strange minds as yours. Congratulations, my
dears." Frances' face was streaked with tears.
"Come, Frances, it is time we were properly laid to rest. I will give
them the package." He stooped low to the ground and carefully placed a limp
package wrapped in ancient parchment before the present-day twins' feet.
"Take good care of it, you hear?" He asked. "It is very important, and will
aid your travels greatly. Let the name of insanity, mischief, and the
Crusaders (that's us!) live on in the years to come, passed down through the
quirks of generation to generation. Do not cry for us, twins, for it is our
time to go. We have waited long for this moment, and now we will finally…be
given… a proper..." but no more words would ever escape the mouths of the old
Weasley twins, as a cackle of insane laughter swept the hallway. Suddenly,
the two sixteenth century figures had disappeared, and Fred and George found
their humble faces wet with tears.
Fred bent over to retrieve the parcel, untied the crimson, green, silver
and gold ribbons around it, and let it unroll. Fred and George read aloud,
their voices joined together at last in insane harmony.
"Mssrs. Frances and Gregorius Weasley are proud to present the Crusader's Map, visible only to the emotionally unstable, insane and strange." These calligraphic words flew daintily across the parchment, and then revealed a
map, a complete map of what else but... the church.
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Final A/N: Aww… how sad! We enjoyed writing that.
Dragonwings: Don't cry for them, Abby. They were dead anyway.
Abby: Oh.
We also hoped you enjoyed reading it, for amongst all that insanity and
strangeness, there was lots of hard work entwined. Please review, as this is
the last chapter of our fic.
Disclaimer: We don't own the original HP characters. JKR does. We do own
Gregorius and Frances Weasley, the Crusader's Map, everything odd and strange you find in here, and ourselves. Thank you again for reading and reviewing, and may insanity live forever!
THE UND! (END)
Or is it…?