Home and Garden With Aeris
by Saralady
"Oh this will be so much fun!" Aeris clapped her hands together and gave a small hop.
"C'mon, Aeris! Do we GOTTA help ya with this show? Cid and me got reputations to keep!"
Aeris wrapped her slim arms around one of Barrett's ridiculously large biceps and gazed up at him, face glowing. "PLEASE, Barrett?"
Barrett went through a few moments of merely shaking his free fist, then relaxed completely. His voice croaked out, barely a whisper. "...fine..."
"ARIGATO!" Aeris happily tossed the two men folded bundles and skipped off towards the camera crew.
"And we're on in three, two, one, GO!"
"HI!" Aeris giggled and clutched her hands behind her back. "Welcome to my home and garden show! I'm your host, Aeris Gainsborough, and today I'll have help from two of the bravest, strongest men I know! I'd like you to meet B-" She blinked, noting that she was alone and smiled at the camera. "One second." A few crashes and yelps were heard before the little Cetra returned, two super-deformed and struggling men clad in pink, bunny covered aprons in her hands.
"This," she raised her left hand, "is Barrett, and this," she raised the other, "is Cid. We're out in the garden today, everyone! I'm going to show you how to keep those pesky weeds at bay, as well as how to aerate the soil so those roots can get the oxygen they need!"
"Why the *^&% did we let her talk us into this?!" Cid returned to normal as the brunette dropped them and led everyone out into the garden.
"'Cause we're *%&^in morons! That's *%&$in why!"
Aeris continued speaking to the camera, tying on her own apron and kneeling on the ground. "Now, when we pull a weed, we want to be sure to get all those roots so it can't grow back." She demonstrated then smiled. "Barrett? Would you like to try?"
Barrett grumbled and yanked a plant out of the ground.
"Ano...that was well executed, Barrett...but a rose bush doesn't count as a weed."
"HA HA HA HA!" Cid pointed and rolled on the ground, miraculously managing to retain his cigarette in his mouth. "You *^&$in idiot! Ya can't tell the difference between a *^&%in flower and a *$%^in WEED! HA!"
"It had thorns, smart $%%! I'd like to see you do *^&%in better!"
Cid promptly pulled a large weed from the garden and smirked.
"SUGOI! You're a fast learner, Cid!" Aeris clapped her hands together happily. "Now how about we move on to aerating the soil?"
The three moved to a small patch of dirt, barren of any plantlife. "Now, in the following show we'll be planting all sorts of lovely plants, but first we must prepare the ground!" Aeris handed out matching Garden Claws and smiled winningly. "All you have to do is press this into the ground, twist, and lift. Then we'll-"
"Like this?" Cid smiled and easily fluffed up some rich soil.
"Exactly!"
Barrett grumbled. "*%&$in show off..."
"Why don't you give it a try, Barrett?" Aeris bent at the waist and smiled at him widely.
"Yeah, try yer *%&^in hand at it. No REAL plants for ya to *%& up here, heh heh heh." Cid lit a new cigarette and grinned.
"I think I *%&^in will!" Barrett pulled a chunk of earth and flung it at the side of Cid's head.
Aeris blinked her wide, green eyes. "A...ano... That was...good...but try not to be so...enthusiastic next time..."
"Yeah," Cid squinted at the large, gun-armed man before him, "do it more like THIS!" A new clump of earth flew in the air, striking Barrett in the forehead. The two men growled at each other and lowered their stances.
"A...ano...Barrett? Cid? Ple-!"
Suddenly, one of those "this station is having temporary difficulties, please stand by" signs appeared, gracing the screen for approximately 5 minutes.
Aeris stood, looking dazed and confused, clumps of dirt covering her form, slight bits of vegetation in her hair. Half of her apron was missing, and appeared to have been bitten off. The two men were in an equal state of disarray, lying panting on the ravaged ground. The entire set looked as if a tornado had it hit, furniture, tools, and even the lower half of a plastic pink flamingo had been tossed about haphazardly.
The Cetra cleared her throat. "Well thanks for spending time with me on this edition of Home and Garden...I...think I'm gonna go take a shower..." She began to walk off, then turned back, gesturing widely to the destroyed area. "I'm not cleaning this up."