Win Shinra's Stash
by Saralady
A young man and woman stood on either side of the tall, cold blonde man, giving wary glances to the panther like creature seated behind him. The blonde flipped a few errant strands of hair from his face and smirked as the announcer's voice boomed out across the stage.
"And now it's time to 'Win Shinra's Stash'! And here's your host, Heidiggar!"
The large man waddled onto the stage, laughing loudly. "Gwa ha ha ha! Welcome to the show! Gwa ha ha ha ha!"
The two contestants covered their ears, and the blonde frowned. "Stop that horse laugh, Heidiggar."
"Gwa ha ha...ahem...yes sir...SO! Welcome to 'Win Shinra's Stash!' YOUR opportunity to win 50 million gil of our very own Rufus Shinra's money!"
Rufus paled slightly. "50 million?"
"Gwa ha ha ha! 50! 50 million! Gwa ha ha ha ha!"
Rufus clenched his jaw. "Heidiggar. Stop. NOW."
"Gwa...heh...so on with the show! Please meet our two contestants!" The bearded man gestured towards the male. "This is David Waldon, an item seller from Wall Market! And this is Anna Hardesty; she runs an inn in Costa del Sol! Welcome, Gwa ha ha ha-" He caught Rufus' glare and choked back his laughter. "And this of course is Rufus Shinra. He'll be playing to defend his stash. What you two fail to win, he gets to keep."
Anna giggled and pressed her signaling button.
"Um...Miss Hardesty, we've not started yet." Heidiggar shuffled to his podium and picked up his cards.
She giggled some more and bounced. "HAI! I know, but I just wanted to be sure it worked!" She pressed the button again and grinned.
Rufus' eyebrow twitched.
"Heh...President Rufus, would you like to select the first category?"
"Yes, I..." He turned his head to the still giggling and randomly signaling woman beside him. In one swift movement he pulled the signaler from her hands and set it on the podium in front of himself.
"Hey! How am I gonna signal in now?" She pouted and put her hands on her hips.
"Try raising your hand. I would like to select-"
"But I LIKED my signaler!" A low growl rumbled near her feet and she jumped back, sweatdropping like mad. "Ano...but that's, that's ok! I'll raise my hand! No problem!"
Rufus smirked and flipped the hair from his face. "The categories, Heidiggar."
"The categories are: 'Quit Slapping Me on the Bundt Cake', 'Hors D'oeuvre in the Court', 'What's Under Your Robespierre?', 'I Don't Give a Flying Farouk', and 'Dear Diary, Everyone's Dead.' Which would you like, President Rufus?"
"I'll select 'What's Under Your Robespierre'."
"Gwa ha ha ha! This question is worth $1,000 gil. By what means was Robespierre executed?"
David rang in. "Guillotine?"
"Correct! The new category is 'Superman: Buns of Steel'! Gwa ha ha ha ha! You may select the next category!"
"Let's go with 'Superman: Buns of Steel'."
"For $1,500 gil, what was the name of Superman's home planet?"
The girl raised her hand.
"Yes, Miss Hardesty?"
She grinned. "I was just stretching!"
"Ah..."
Rufus smirked and signaled in. "I believe the planet was Krypton."
"Correct! Gwa ha ha ha ha!"
"Heidiggar...I've warned you before about that laugh..." Rufus snapped his fingers and two men dressed in blue suits clubbed the fat man upside the head and dragged him offstage.
"Oh pooh! Now who's gonna be the announcer-guy?" The female contestant pouted and crossed her arms in front of her chest.
Smooth music, accentuated by snapping heralded the entrance of a redheaded man with a blue suit. He smirked. "Well, well, well, here I am! And here's our very own Vanna!" He frowned and tapped his electro rod against the podium in an agitated manner. "C'mon, Rude, get your ass out here."
"......"
"Just do it! Jeezuz!"
".....!"
"DAMMIT RUDE!!! I will personally drag your ass out here in 5 seconds!"
A large, bald, and goateed man reluctantly made his way onto the stage. Dangling from his ears were matching diamonds, and he was clad in a floor length, body hugging sparkly white and blue dress. He had on Lee press-on nails, dark sunglasses, and enough lipstick to choke a chocobo. "...I'm gonna kill you, Reno..."
Reno chuckled. "Hey, they let you pick out the earrings, didn't they? Sides, all ya gotta do is flip the friggin' category cards."
Rufus pinched the bridge of his nose and squeezed his eyes shut. "This has officially killed any libido I ever had..."
"Heh, heh." Reno tapped the question cards on the podium and looked around. "Who last answered right anyway?"
Rufus, keeping his eyes downcast raised a hand.
"Ah, allrighty then! Which category ya want now? We got ourselves, move outta the goddamn way, Rude, I can't see through ya, ya know? Ok, now that bigfoot's over there, we got ourselves 'Quit Slapping Me on the Bundt Cake,' heh heh, I like that one, 'Hors D'oeuvres in the Court,' another good one, 'I Don't Give a Flying Farouk', 'Dear Diary, Everyone's Dead,' and 'Is that an Electro Rod in Your Pocket, or are Ya Glad to See Me?'...HEY! Dammit, Rude, put the real goddamned category up there!"
Rude smirked and put up 'You Just Can't Beat the Meat in Midgar'.
"HEY! I said put up the REAL one! Stop bein' a smart ass!"
Rude raised a brow. "That is the real one."
"Oh...heh..." He cleared his throat and grinned. "Which one ya want, Rufus?"
"I'll take...that 'Slapping' one." He gestured with his free hand, still pinching the bridge of his nose with the other.
"Ok, heh heh...slappin' me on the Bundt cake...you get that one, Rude?"
Rude nodded.
"Heh heh...slappin' me on the...ok, for $2,000 gil, the Bundt cake pan was named for a fluted cake pan that originated in what city?"
David signaled in. "I believe that would be Nibelheim."
"Yep! Got it right! Ok, the new category is, dammit, Rude, how many times I gotta tell ya to move? Ok, new one's 'That's One Tasty Chocobo Pie'. Aww, damn, that's just nasty. Which one you takin'?"
The girl raised her hand and jumped up and down.
"Huh? Whatcha want, hotpants?" Reno grinned and gave her a long one time over.
"The answer is blue!"
"Uh..." Reno looked at the card, at the girl, at the card, and once again back at the girl. "Sure enough! Didn't even have to read the question, you're a smart gal. What say you and I go backstage and you can play with my graduated cylinder?"
"Graduated cylinder? What's that?"
Rufus groaned and gave serious consideration to banging his head against the wood in front of himself.
David frowned. "Pardon me, but could you read the actual question?"
Reno glared at him. "I could."
After a full minute of silence, David spoke up again. "Well, are you gonna?"
Reno smirked and cocked an eyebrow. "It look like I'm gonna?"
"For the love of the Cetra, just skip the goddamned question and go on to a new one." Rufus began to rub his temples and lean heavily on his podium.
"Jeez, ok, ok, ok!" Reno rolled his eyes and picked up the cards. "Someone pick somethin' then."
"But I want to know what the question was."
Dark Nation growled and Rufus' trigger finger twitched. "Just. Move. On."
"Sorry, but no. Now, what was the-" *BOOM!*
Once the smoke had cleared, Rufus seemed to have relaxed slightly. "Since Mr. Waldon has decided to leave the game, his money is automatically returned to the stash, and his turn goes to me. I'll select Hors D'oeuvre in the Court." He frowned and looked about himself. "Ano...where the hell's Reno? And that girl?"
Rude tilted his head towards the backstage area where murmurs of 'chemistry', 'fusion', and 'yardsticks' were heard. "I believe the girl was frightened and Reno decided to 'comfort' her."
Rufus smirked. "Well in that case, I win again, don't I?"
Rude shrugged his massive shoulders and began tugging at something under his dress. "Damn pushup bra..."
Rufus shuddered. "Then again...with that mental picture..."