Passionate Lunches
by Saralady
Sickening elevator music began to play as the intro credits rolled, showing ridiculously fuzzed out images of all the main characters. Each of them was trying their best to look seductive, cutesy, or evil, depending on their character. After a grueling three minutes, the newest soap opera on Public Access Nibelheim, Passionate Lunches finally began.
Rufus groaned and looked over the motley assortment of new employees. "All right everyone, I expect nothing but the best from all of you. Today the health inspector is coming, and I expect this place to shine and work smoothly as a well-greased machine. Is this understood?"
The employees saluted and immediately went to take up their positions. The three waitresses, Tifa, a redhead, and silver haired girl began trotting about to each table, taking orders from the customers. Aeris stood at the cash register, grinning and bouncing slightly to some random tune she was humming. Barret and Cid were exchanging curses while filling in as the short order cooks, and janitor Yuffie was spending time wiping off the tables.
The door opened, and Cloud waltzed into the diner, plopping down on a stool directly in front of Aeris. "Heya!"
Aeris smiled and cocked her head. "Welcome back, Skip! You have any trouble with your last delivery?"
Cloud/Skip grinned and shook his head no.
"Great!" The Ancient girl held out a hand expectantly.
Skip blinked at it, then slapped it and grinned again.
"A, ano...Skip, I was hoping to get the money from the delivery just now."
Skip blinked again. "Money?"
Aeris sighed and gave the blonde a pitying look. "Skip, everyone's been over this with you time and time again. You are the delivery boy. You take the food to whoever ordered it, then they pay you, and you give the money to me when you return."
"Oh yeah." Skip nodded and looked thoughtful.
Aeris smiled and gingerly patted his head. "You'll do better next time."
A silver haired waitress smiled at two men sitting at one of the tables. "Have you two decided on what you'd like yet?"
"Hmm....you know, I can't really read what's on this menu...could you help me?" The redheaded man smiled guilelessly up at the young woman and his silent, dark sunglassed partner rubbed his temples.
The waitress blinked a few times, then leaned over the man, pointing to an item. "Well, this is the ShinRa Super Soup Special, and-"
"No, no, not that item." He grinned and pulled the unsuspecting girl into his lap. "THIS one."
The girl looked shocked, stood up, smacked the man, and stormed off. The silent man fiddled with one of his earrings. "You lose more good waitresses that way..."
"Oh shut up, Rude!" Reno zapped Rude with his electro-rod and pouted.
"Skip! We have a new delivery for you!" Aeris sang out and handed Skip the Delivery Boy a new box of take out. "Now remember, deliver this food to the address on the box, and then bring back the money they give you, ok? You don't want Manager Rufus to get mad at you again, do you?"
Skip grinned, nodded, and, well, skipped out the door just as a long-legged customer slid inside amidst a waterfall of silver hair and numerous catcalls from the rest of the clientele.
Nurse Sephy sat down on a stool and shot the room a cool, semi-bored look. "Do you have a problem? It's not like every man can pull off this look, you know." He smirked and signaled for Aeris to come over. "Shishkebob Cetra! I'd like to order now!"
"Don't call me that!" Aeris pouted and rubbed her stomach. "Well what do you want?"
"I'll have a hamburger and some french fries." He smiled and folded his long fingers on the counter.
"Okey dokey!" She smiled and turned to the back. Suddenly her soft, calm face reddened and contorted. "HEY! ONE ORDER OF *%&^ SHREDDED COW ON A BUN! BURN IT! AND ONE LARGE *$&%IN FRENCH FRIES!!!"
"Excuse me, I don't remember asking for a large order of fries."
Aeris sighed. "Well what size do you want?"
"Small, please. I DO have to keep my figure you know."
"Ok. HEY! SCRATCH THE LARGE *$&% FRENCH FRIES, AND GIMME A SMALL *%&^IN FRY!"
"Make up you're *$&%in mind, woman! I only got two *$&%in hands, and one of 'em's gotta hold my tea, ya know?!"
"EAT $#!* AND DIE, CID!" She turned back to the front and smiled. "Do you want anything to drink with that, sir?"
"Mmm...diet coke. And on second thought, do make that a large fries, won't you Cetra-On-A-Stick?" Nurse Sephy smiled and batted his eyes.
"Certainly sir! HEY, @$$%*^#$! THIS &!%&# WANTS A #&$IN LARGE ORDER OF FRIES AGAIN! AND A &##@^# DIET COKE, TOO!"
A large black man stomped out from the kitchen, clad in a pink, bunny covered apron and glared at Nurse Sephy. "What *$&%in size you want, foo'?! I got as many hands as Cid, and I ain't about ta get ya somethin' only to &$^%in put it back! You catch my drift?"
"GET YOUR SORRY @$$ BACK IN THERE, AND HELP CID COOK!" Aeris kicked Barret square in the bum and then once again applied her serene smile and began humming to herself.
A figure in a trench coat slipped inside the restaurant and took a seat on one of the stools near Nurse Sephy. "I'll have a Caesar salad and a large lemonade, please."
Aeris nodded, but frowned slightly. "Sorry, but I have to ask you this... You aren't planning on flashing us are you? We had that problem last time Reno came in wearing a trench coat, and we're all a little wary now."
"Hey! I only tried it 5 times, ok? Cut a guy a break, and get me a new, cute, waitress!" Reno threw a paper plane made from his menu at Aeris.
The figure in the trench coat chuckled. "I won't flash anyone."
"Oh, okey doke." Aeris smiled, and screamed her order out to the short order cooks, who sent a volley of curses back her way.
Skip the Delivery Boy pranced back in and plopped down between Nurse Sephy and the Stranger in the Trenchcoat. "Back!" Aeris grinned and held out her hand. "That was speedy, Skip!"
Skip grinned back and handed Aeris a hand full of jellybeans.
"Ano...Skip...you were supposed to get money, remember?"
Skip continued to smile. "These are BETTER than money! These taste better when you eat them!"
Aeris sweatdropped and twitched slightly as she watched Skip spin on his stool. "I'm not gonna ask."
Nurse Sephy cleared his throat and tapped on Skip's shoulder. "May I have a word with you for a moment?" Skip nodded and followed Nurse Sephy over to a corner of the restaurant. Nurse Sephy fiddled with his nametag nervously. "Well, there's no easy way to say this so...Skip...Skip I'm pregnant."
Dramatic music played and Skip blinked, then patted Nurse Sephy on the shoulder and trotted back off to his perch on the stool.
Cid plunked down both Nurse Sephy's and the Trenchcoated Stranger's ordered items, then grumbled something about needing more *$&%in tea, and trudged back to the cooking area. The Trenchcoated Stranger poked at their salad with a fork, and came up with a half-smoked cigarette. They then promptly pulled out a pad of paper and a pencil and began to take notes, chuckling to themselves.
Nurse Sephy sniffled as his mascara ran down his cheeks, and began to swirl the mixture of gunpowder and cigarette ash floating on top of his soda. The Trenchcoated Stranger chuckled some more, and continued to scribble on their paper.
A redheaded waitress gasped and smacked Reno as he tried the "I can't quite read this, can you help me?" routine on her.
"You lose more good waitresses that-"
"Shaddap, Rude!" ZAP!
A nearby janitor finished wiping off a table and smacked Reno upside the head with their mop. "You better get your act together, Reno!"
Reno sneered at Janitor Yuffie and rubbed his head. "Sure thing, toots, soon as you stop stealing my materia!"
Janitor Yuffie huffed and moved on to a new table just as a tall, quiet man sat down at the recently cleaned table. "I do NOT steal materia."
"Yeah right! Where did my mastered Bolt materia go then, hmm? See if I let you fiddle with my rod anymore, you dirty thief!"
"First off, you ASKED me to mess with that stupid rod of yours, and SECOND, you were too drunk to know whether you removed the materia or ate it!" She smiled smugly. "In FACT, have you noticed whose undies you have on right now? You were having a little trouble dressing yourself before you sacked out last night."
Reno blanched, and excused himself to use the bathroom. Janitor Yuffie smiled smugly, and moved on to a new table as a girlie shriek sounded out. The redhead appeared a few minutes later and sat down across from his bald friend. "I thought my boxers were feeling a little too snug and silky..."
Rude groaned, covered his ears and shook his head. "...too much information...."
Aeris tugged on Skip's sleeve. "Skip, I need to talk to you about something... Can you meet with me in the corner for a moment?" Skip nodded and hopped over to The Corner. Aeris tugged on her bangs for a moment and bit her lip. "Skip...I...I'm pregnant, Skip."
Dramatic music played again, and Skip grinned. "I can stick french fries in my mouth and bark like a walrus."
Aeris broke down into tears and clasped her belly. "Please take after my side of the family. PLEASE!"
The newly arrived man raised a pale, slender hand. "May I order now?"
Aeris wiped her eyes and took up her spot behind the counter, stoically ignoring Skip bark like a walrus and Nurse Sephy crying and blubbering onto the Trenchcoated Stranger's shoulder. "Yes, sir, a waitress should be over to you in just a moment."
Waitress Tifa bounded over to The Pale Man, and grinned, clasping her hands behind her back, and puffing her chest out into the air. "What can I get ya, sir?"
The Pale Man sweatdropped slightly. "Ano...I'll take some milk, please."
"Milk? That's it?" Tifa blinked. "You sure you don't want anything to eat?"
The Pale Man watched the Trenchcoated Stranger pick some more cigarette butts from their salad and Nurse Sephy sniffle at the junk floating on his drink, sweatdropping slightly more. "Yes, milk, please. You do have it in cartons, don't you?"
"Yep! I'll just go into the back and get you some!" Tifa smiled and headed towards the back, grabbing Skip's sleeve on her way. "Come help me, Skip!"
"Ok!" Skip grinned and followed Tifa happily. "Do I get some more licorice?"
Tifa smiled and closed the door behind her. "Not this time, Skip." She took his hands in hers, eyes sparkling. "I have tremendous news, Skip! I'm pregnant! Isn't that fantastic?!"
Skip cocked his head. "Are you gonna have puppies? I like puppies."
Tifa sweatdropped. "Ano...no, Skip, dear. I'm going to have a human baby! Yours and mine!"
"Oh." Skip pouted and began to trudge back to the front of the restaurant. "I'd prefer a puppy."
Tifa's lower lip trembled as she grabbed a carton of milk and walked back out to The Pale Man. She slammed it onto the table, effectively cracking it in two, and spilling milk everywhere. "THERE! I hope you enjoy your milk!" She turned and burst into tears.
The Pale Man blinked at his soaked lap and decided to simply wait for the Janitor to return. He simply didn't have the energy to get up and move. He sighed dramatically. Life was so unfair. If your beloved wasn't off frolicking with evil scientists and giving birth to evil megalomaniacs, your milk was being spilled all over you. The Pale Man spiraled into a pit of depression and crossed his arms. "........."
Barret growled. "Where in the hell's that damn Rufus?! I gotta ask him if I can leave early!"
Cid leaned against a counter and lit a new cigarette. "Where the *$&% are you goin'?"
"I...I got rehearsals!"
"Rehearsals?!"
"Yeah, smart @$$, rehearsals! You got a problem with that?"
Aeris stuck her head back and glowered at the two short order cooks. "SHADDAP AND GET BACK TO WORK! MANAGER RUFUS IS IN AN AWFUL $#!%%^ MOOD!"
"SHADDAP, WOMAN! WHY DON'T YOU GET YOUR *$&%IN @$$ OFFA THAT CASH REGISTER AND MAKE ME SOME TEA?!"
The Trenchcoated Stranger threw their drink back at Cid. "Make your own &*##@&! Tea for once, why don't ya?!"
Aeris blinked at the Trenchcoated Stranger, then jumped as Manager Rufus burst out of his office, sending Dark Nation and Red XIII out. "And if you EVER get in another catfight in this establishment, I will cut back your catnip supply by HALF, do you understand me?!" The two cat-like beasts winced and slinked out of Rufus' office.
The Trenchcoated stranger laughed with glee and scribbled on their paper like mad. "Oh, this is glorious! GLORIOUS!"
Rufus sent a glare around the room, and then his eyes rested on Skip, who was currently sticking straws up his nose. "YOU! Come back here, NOW!"
Skip eeped, then lowered his head and slowly entered Manager Rufus' office. Rufus sat Skip down and then folded himself into his chair, continuing to glare at the spiky haired youth. "What's this I hear about you not bringing back money from your deliveries?"
"I...I brought back jelly beans this time! Those are better than money!"
Rufus slammed a fist on his desk. "You are to bring back GIL! Not jelly beans, NOT string, and definitely NOT any mice! We're fully infested with those little things now, Skip!"
Skip blinked. "But the mousies were soft. And they only ever bit Reno and Barret. They were nice mice."
Rufus threw his hands in the air and moved to his door. "You have one more chance, Skip. Bring back GIL." He opened the door and sighed. "And one more thing...I'm pregnant, Skip. Now get your @$$ back to work."
Skip nodded, and wandered out, bumping into the Trenchcoated Stranger. "You have mice, I hear?" The Trenchcoated Stranger's eyes shimmered.
Barret yelped and stomped his foot. "Damn rodents! Cid, gimme that propane torch! I'll get 'em!"
The Trenchcoated Stranger whooped with glee, and threw off their coat. Aeris screamed and covered her eyes, as did the rest of the females in the room. "Anyone recognize me?"
Cid paused in his battle with Barret over possession of the torch. "S..SHERA?! What the *$&% are you doin' here, woman?! You're supposed to be making me some tea back home!"
"Not anymore, Cid!" She grinned and pointed to her shirt. "See that? I'm a health inspector now, dear! And this place is about to be condemned! Cigarettes in the food, dirty, wild animals lounging about the place, mice infestation, and running about the room with a lighted propane torch!" She whooped with glee and Red XIII looked to Dark Nation.
"Where are the dirty wild animals?" Red XIII swished his flaming tail about behind himself.
Dark nation shrugged its shoulders and nuzzled its packet of industrial strength catnip.
Barret stormed out of the door, wearing a pink tutu and delicate slippers. "Tell Rufus I had rehearsals, and I'll be back in a few *$&%in hours."
The Pale Man's arm shot out and clicked a pair of silver handcuffs on Janitor Yuffie's wrists. "Enough of that, Miss, you're coming downtown with me."
"What? EWW! As if!" She struggled and frowned at The Pale Man.
The man pushed back his coat, and pointed to a gold star on his shirt with a metallic hand. "Sorry, Miss, but I've been investigating materia disappearances from this restaurant, and it seems you're the cause of it all."
Janitor Yuffie's jaw dropped. "I'd like to see you prove it!" She attempted to jerk from his grasp, accidentally dislodging some materia, which dropped from her pocket and rolled across the ground.
"HEY! That's my Bolt materia!" Reno glared at Yuffie.
"And that's my Earth materia!" Aeris gasped.
"And all of my Summon materias!" Tifa placed her hands on her hips.
"Well." Sheriff Valentine cleared his throat and began to escort Yuffie out of the building.
"Hey! Wait a minute!" Yuffie gestured towards Reno with her chin. "What about him? He's a friggin panty thief! Look at the tag on his undies! They'll have my initials!"
"You initial your underwear?" Nurse Sephy snickered.
"Hey! It's a good thing to do! Otherwise how will you know which is the front and which is the back?" Skip blinked and spun on his stool some more.
Rufus stood in the back of the room, his face pale. First he lost his ShinRa Empire, now he was going to lose his pathetic little restaurant. Perhaps he should just set fire to the whole thing, and collect the insurance money. Whistling innocently, the former President reached for the propane tank.
Yuffie jumped up and with a grin on her face, twirled the handcuffs. "HA! I may not have taken my rope escape classes seriously, but I took my 'Escaping from Handcuffs' lessons VERY seriously!" She ran through the door, laughing like mad. "Just try and catch me! I dare ya!"
"......?!" Sheriff Valentine watched the hyper girl run around in circles.
Music began to play, and a smooth, deep announcer's voice began to speak.
"Will the materia thief ever be brought to justice? Will Rufus really set his establishment on fire? And if so, will he get away with it? Has Skip the Delivery Boy fathered anymore children? Will the Health Inspector really condemn the restaurant? Find out in the next episode of - Passionate Lunches."