Cooking with Cloud
by Saralady
A pair of wide, vacant blue eyes met the camera lens. After a moment, music started, and the owner of the eyes was seen yelping and hiding underneath the counter, only one of his large, blonde spikes giving away his position. He shuddered there like a frightened, confused little woodland creature till the music stopped. Peeking out of his hiding space, he blinked at the camera then slowly stood and scratched his head.
"Um…hi…this is…uh….Cooking with Cloud."
Music played again and Cloud returned to his hiding space.
Offstage the camera crew coughed and one spoke up. "Cloud, we're on the air. It's time to cook."
Cloud peered at the stagehand, then looked at the ingredients already chopped and portioned on the counter before him. He reached for the largest bowl and began to tip it towards himself.
Immediately a sign came across the screen, proclaiming technical difficulties.
Once the show returned, Cloud was seen wearing not only a full bag of flour, but the empty cooking bowl on his head. He stared at the camera some more.
Another stagehand sighed and muttered to himself. "This is going nowhere, go ahead and bring out the girls."
Cloud gave a start as three bright eyed young women bounded out onto the set. The braided one giggled as she shooed the short, peppy girl's hands away from Cloud's materia, and the third one, who had a tendency to thrust her chest out so far it seemed her back would break, wore an outfit so revealing the director could feel ratings soaring already.
The braided one smiled and waved to the camera. "Hi hi! Welcome to Cooking with Cloud! We're his assistants for today's show! I'm Aeris, this is Tifa, and Yuffie is the one who won't keep her hands away from the materia!"
"Hey!…..Well yeah." Yuffie crouched down and scratched a thigh. "But he owes me from that damned Yuffie's World episode!"
Tifa frowned. "Why is it that your name comes before mine? I knew Cloud waaaaay before you did, you know."
Aeris smiled and leaned forwards. "Well, I was introducing us all. Doesn't the introducee tend to name themselves before their friends?"
Tifa grumbled something about a boot and an introducee's rear, but it was muffled by Aeris pulling Cloud back out from his hiding space.
"Now, now, we have a show to do, Cloud! Oh my, you're a mess aren't you? We can't have you cooking and being so untidy! Let me just take care of that." Aeris cooed and wet a dishtowel, making for Cloud's face.
"Oh you know that'll never work! You have to corner him and have Cid and Barret hold him down if you want to give him a bath." Tifa jumped up from the stool she had bogarted, and the director counted up more ratings while the crew wondered how to get the show back on track.
"Yeah! You gotta catch him off guard and hose him off like a chocobo at the zoo!" Yuffie grinned and darted over to the sink, grabbing the sprayer and letting loose on the unsuspecting spikey headed lad. "Yeaaaah! Clean off ya damn unicorn boy!"
Cloud grunted and tried to flee, but was tackled by Tifa. However, Tifa's tackle ended up sending both flying into Aeris, covering her with a mixture of flour and water. Aeris gasped and stared at herself in disbelief, while Tifa tittered, giving Cloud a chance to escape.
While Yuffie continued to hose off the disoriented, frightened Cloud, and Aeris tried to clean out her bangs, Tifa smiled at the camera. "I've just been told someone's on the phone. Hello, caller! Welcome to Cooking with Cloud!"
"Hello, hello, hello! I've been enjoying this show quite a lot so far."
Tifa grinned as she heard Aeris sniffling and complaining that her best dress was now ruined. "Well that's great to hear! I'm having a blast too!"
"Just one quick question….Why hasn't Cloud done that trick yet?"
"Trick?" Tifa blinked and munched on a piece of chopped carrot. "What trick?"
"Oh, he knows. Cloud! C'mon! Do the trick for me!"
Cloud perked up and bounded out from the corner he'd been cowering in. "Trick! Trick!" He grabbed the bowl of carrot sticks from Tifa and shoved two up his nose, then began to bark like a walrus.
"Oh grossness!" Yuffie squirted Cloud again.
Tifa immediately spit out what carrot was in her mouth and began coughing over top of the trash can. Aeris patted Cloud's soggy head and gave a pained smile. "That was very nice, Cloud."
The caller spoke up again. "One more thing, if I may."
"Hey, wait a minute…you sound familiar…." Yuffie stopped hosing off Cloud and frowned.
"Can Tifa sort of jump up and down for a bit?"
Tifa blinked, her skin slowly returning to a healthy color. "Can I what?"
"You know….jump…and can Yuffie squirt Tifa with the hose, then Cloud can rip off Aeris' dress, since it's ruined anyway and all, and then Cloud can dance in a g-string and-"
"PERVERT!" All three girls glared at the camera.
"I DARE you to come down here and ask that in person!" Tifa raised a glowing fist, ignoring Cloud, who was in fact, dancing on the counter directly ahead of her while wearing a gold g-string. The director began to cry, knowing their ratings had taken a nose dive.
Aeris shooed Cloud from the countertop, and did her best to keep him from the remaining carrot sticks as Yuffie grabbed a super soaker and began to follow them offstage. Tifa straightened her clothing and cleared her throat. "Well since this show is an utter disaster, I might as well plug my own upcoming program. Be sure to tune in to see Tifa's Makeover Magic in the upcoming weeks right here at Public Access Nibelheim! Hope to see you there!"
Cloud yelped and dashed across the stage, followed closely by a cackling Yuffie and a concerned Aeris.