AUTHOR: Goddess Isa
EMAIL: goddessisa@aol.com
SUMMARY: Cordelia realizes ten years after graduation how much she misses Xander and that she'll never have the life she wants with him
SPOILER: Season Three, more or less.
DISTRIBUTION: Sure, just email me & lmk where it's going - I like seeing my name in print =)
FEEDBACK: Please, I'd hate to have to Slay for it. =P
RATING: TV-14
DISCLAIMER: I don't own these characters, Joss Whedon does. If he ever decides to give them to me, that would be nice. =)
//Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't\\
--I Can't Make You Love Me - Bonnie Raitt
Dear Xander,
I've tried to write this letter every day for the past year. Each time, I get a line or two father than the last, and then I'm right back where I started. A blank sheet of paper and a mind full of questions.
I've talked to Buffy recently. I hope she didn't tell you - I asked her not to. I'm so happy that she and Angel are finally getting married. They deserve to be happy. I still cannot believe she's a Watcher! I always thought that would be Willow's niche. I know she's not good with the stress, but she had the talent for it. Buffy must love the power though. Getting someone else to train and what have you. I wish I could see it. The mental picture is comical.
I asked Buffy all about you. Congratulations on the playhouse. I never thought you and Willow were the artsy type, but Buffy sent me the Witch's Brew script and it's really good. Hysterical even. Perhaps, if it's all right with you and Will, I'll come to see it on opening night. I can't wait to meet Lily and Kyle. You didn't name him Kyle Giles did you? I know you almost named him Harris. =)
I guess I should tell you what I've ben doing for the last decade. After my parents moved to LA, I was miserable. My grandmother offered me the chance to move to Paris with her, and I took it. I hated LA Xander, Buffy was right. Shoes or no shoes, LA isn't all that it's cracked up to be. My grandmother led me to believe that we were moving there so that she could visit with some of her friends from her childhood, and that we would live in a mansion with a maid, the way I used to with my parents. Instead, I was my grandmother's maid.
Do you believe that?
My grandmother made me her MAID!
I hated that too, but I made the best of it because what else could I do? After a year, my grandmother let me stop working around the house and made me her personal shopper instead. That was better than nothing. I had to traipse all over Paris looking for her clothes and everything. It wasn't fun, but it was better than cleaning toilets.
The following summer my dad died. I think my mother was almost waiting for it. She remarried this guy Trent - he's a year older than I am! - the day after the funeral!! Do you believe her? However, Trent had money, and lots of it. He's the bastard son of some big Hollywood exec, I'm not sure who, and he won't tell. Regardless, I got a ticket back home and have lived with my mother ever since. Trent got me a job as an interior decorator to the stars simply to get me out of his hair. I wound up working for InStyle Home magazine. It's an okay job, the people are really great, and celebs come by from time to time. Don't get all jealous, but I met Michelle Pfeifer. No, she wasn't dressed as Catwoman.
I guess that's all I have to say. I've been doing the InStyle gig for awhile and I guess it's here to stay.
Give me a call if you want to. 703-978-9989.
Love always, Cordelia
*****
"InStyle Home, Cordelia Chase," I answered. I had two piles of fabric samples on my desk and an impatient woman holding four different shades of the blue vertical blinds I'd ordered for our newest model home waiting for me. This was not a good time to get a phone call.
"Guess who."
Xander.
"Xander, oh my, how are you?" I did my best not to sound excited. My heart was racing.
"I'm good, and you? You have the whole cool big-deal phone thing going on."
I blushed. "Uh, Erica? Leave the slants with me, I'll call you about them later."
She sighed, set the blinds on the floor and left.
"Okay, I'm free. So what's going on?"
"Not a whole lot, Willow's at rehearsal with the girls so I thought I'd take a free moment and call you. I put passes to the play in the mail."
"Oh, great, thank you."
"Buffy and Angel are coming, Giles too, it'll be like a reunion."
"Wonderful." as much as I missed Buffy, I only cared about seeing Xander.
Even if he was married.
With children.
"Oh, Cordy, I've gotta go, someone's here about costumes."
Cordy. I hadn't let anybody call me that in ten years. The last person who'd done it was Xander, on graduation night.
"Cordy?"
"Oh, right, sorry. My phone beeped. I'll see you in a week then."
"Great. Bye."
"Bye." I hung up and started to cry.
*****
"You sent her passes?" Buffy asked.
Xander shrugged. "Why wouldn't I? She's my friend, she wants to come--"
Buffy hoisted Lily up onto a desk and began taking her measurements. She was helping out since the woman who usually assisted with the wardrobe had dropped out to have a baby. "The thing is this. She's been in love with you for years. What are you doing if you let her into your life again? You're going to kill her."
"Daddy would never kill anyone," Lily said quietly.
"We're talking about a play honey." he said, shooting Buffy a look.
"A play with killing?" she asked hopefully. "A scary one?"
"You've been watching I Know What You Did Last Summer way too much lately." Xander commented. Buffy finished her measurements, wrote them down and sent the little girl on her way.
"You need to stop her from coming."
"I can't," Xander said. "You should've read the letter."
Buffy wanted to tell Xander that if he didn't stop her, she would, but she couldn't get the words out. Instead, she grinned and faced him. "Spread 'em, Warzon the evil Warlock. I have to take your girth."
Xander took off running.
*****
Buffy called me the day before I was going to leave for Sunnydale. She said that I shouldn't come, that I would only mess everyone's lives up. I went anyway. I just needed to see Xander one last time....
I got to the playhouse too late to see anyone before the play. I took my seat - I had second row, and watched as the children, Willow and Xander performed a story Xander had written about good Witches conquering the bad Witches. There was a redhaired girl playing a Witch and she was extremely talented. It wasn't until I read the playbill that I realized she was Lily.
When the play was over, I found Buffy and Angel in the audience. They said Giles' plane had been late and that he would be at the dinner we were all going to. I was admiring Buffy's curly brown locks and huge ring when someone tapped my shoulder. I whirled around.
"I never could've pictured you a blonde," he said softly.
I never could've either, but I'd done it for the hell of it. Dark blonde layers fell around my face, and even though I wasn't happy with the result, something must've worked because Xander was smiling at me.
"You look great," I told him. He did. His hair was the same as always, and he still wore his Warzon costume, sans the cape of course. He was the hottest warlock on Earth.
"Cordelia!" Willow came over carrying a little boy with hair as red as hers and a smile just like Xander's. She handed him to Xander and gave me a warm hug. "How are you? We've missed you. I was so excited when Xander told me you were coming."
"It's good to see you. You look good."
Willow sat down and we all sat with her, waiting. When she got up and arched her back I realized why everyone had been sort of worried when she sat down in the first place.
She was pregnant.
"Xander, go pull the van around," she said. "Lily, please take Kyle and go get our bags out of the dressing room."
The little girl nodded and did as she was told. I thought she seemed very mature for seven.
*****
Dinner went well enough, I suppose. Buffy's mother was opening a new gallery in England and hadn't come with Giles for the visit, but he was brimming with stories of their home and everything else. Buffy squirmed a bit when he talked about it and I knew it made her more than slightly uncomfortable. Buffy talked of Adria, the newest Slayer, and her trouble with drinking. When we were leaving, Xander asked Angel to drive Willow and the kids home.
"I need to talk to Cordy," he said softly.
Willow kissed him goodbye and left. Xander surprised me by putting an arm around my shoulders as we walked out. As soon as we were outside, he pulled me to a bench.
"Why are you here?" he asked. "Why did you really come back? Why did you write all of a sudden after ten years? What made you finish the letter?"
I didn't see any point in telling him. People didn't like to hear such things, anyways.
"I just missed you. I wanted to see how you were living, if you were happy or not."
"I"m very happy," he said proudly. "I love my life."
"I wish I could say the same."
"Cordelia...." he went to touch me but I jerked away.
"Don't make it worse than it is. Would you drive me to my hotel please?"
He nodded and since Angel had taken the van, we piled into Buffy's yellow VW Bug. We were silent as we drove, and when we got to the hotel, I got out without saying goodbye to Xander. I couldn't utter the words and I didn't want to cry in front of him.
*****
The next day I pretended to be asleep and didn't ever answer the phone in my room. I waited for dusk, and then felt very much like I was recreating a bad episode of 90210.
I walked to the freeway and climbed over the fence. I stood there on the grass, on top of everything. I moved across to the bridge but didn't get on. I knew that almost assuringly, when I stepped onto the tiny ledge I would fall back. I was prepared for an early death, but on my own terms.
I watched car after car go by. I thought about Xander and Willow and their kids. How happy they were. How happy I never would be.
Xander was my one true love. I couldn't have children, therefore if we'd been together, I would never have given him a son. He seemed so happy when he was holding Kyle.
Life is so unfair.
I took a deep breath. A hot pink Jeep passed by on the freeway. It reminded me of Thelma and Louise for some reason.
Taking a deep breath, I jumped.