This is my twist on Dreamland but still, it's spoiler free, and yes, I do know that I have totally over dramatised their characters- Sorry!
It's my first hit at 'humorous' - so please forgive me if it wastes your time…
TITLE: Ha -Bloody Ha!
Scully hated the whole tie malarkey thing. It was gagging her throat - how did Mulder manage to cope with wearing one? A message appeared on her screen telling her that she had an email - she couldn't be bothered to open it - suspecting it was one of those crude naked lady pictures that had been circulating the office.
She needed some time by herself to think and so rushed off to the loo almost entering the ladies by mistake - something is up I here you ask - firstly, Scully don't wear ties and second, excuse me but, shouldn't Scully be going to the ladies and not the little boy's room? YES SOMETHING IS UP, I'VE SWOPPED BODIES WITH MULDER, she felt like shouting. Instead, she locked herself in a toilet cubical and ran through her thoughts again, although she felt more like hiring a bus and running over them, they had been through her head so many times: She knew it was the most unbelievable thing in the world - but the undeniable fact was that she and Mulder had somehow swapped bodies. Mulder had a few theories about how it happened and all, and was going to follow them up - but it was pretty obvious that he wasn't in any rush too -he seemed to be ...er…enjoying himself.
She's woken up in Mulder's bed, first of all thinking that he'd drugged her the night before and brought her back to his place - she had freaked at the idea, then she'd got out of bed - noticed she wasn't wearing much or rather his body wasn't wearing much and really freaked.
Ring, Ring. Ring, Ring. He eventually picked up...
'Mulder?'
'Yeah?'
'Mulder! I'm in your apartment - in your body!'
'Yeah - me too, I woke up this morning, looked in the mirror and I knew something was different but couldn't quite put my finger on it -' He chuckled.
'Pleeeaassee, don't tell me you're finding this funny', she groped for words, plucking one of the three million question that was flying around in her head.
'How long have you been up?
Er about three hours - I couldn't sleep.'
'THREE HOURS?' What had he been doing for three hours - she didn't want to even think about it. 'And you didn't call me?'
'I was er getting used to being you Scully - you know practising your mannerisms and stuff so I can pass you off convincingly at work.'
'Work? You're not going to work today', she said trying to make it sound like a definite statement rather than a plea.
'And why not?'
'Because, because, everyone will think that I'm strange'
'No, I'll be really good, I will, they won't know the difference…'
Yeah, famous last words, he'd already humiliated her about the same number of times that he'd denied that the amazing large stack of videos in his cupboard (which she'd stumbled across this morning), weren't his.
For a start, whenever he sat down he left his legs wide apart, and she'd noticed Skinner had been giving him a few stares. She had told him it sit with his legs crossed countless times, but it just wasn't sinking in, unlike the orange juice that he'd had an accident with across her shirt earlier that morning. Also, he thought it was hilariously funny to flirt outrageously with Skinner, who surprisingly enough was quite receptive - Ha bloody ha. - PLUS, (she was in full flow now) he has made absolutely no effort to walk like a women and she'd heard a couple of the guys making jokes about Scully getting seriously laid the night before, and even she had to admit that Mulder made her look like she'd ridden a horse non stop for the past century.
She would have liked to stay in the cubical for the next, day, week, year… however long until this nightmare was over but someone had come into the loos and she didn't want them to think that she had a constipation problem or anything - though it would get back at Mulder, she let the thought rest for a couple of seconds -No, she wouldn't stoop that low, and so made her way out of the cubical and for the door.
'Mulder!' - I wondered where you were. 'Wait a sec, I need a word with you about Scully.'
Scully inwardly grimaced; being in the same room with Skinner while he's taking a whizz in the corner was not on her list of top ten classic entertainment. - so while Skinner continued she suddenly found the dull, scabby brick wall infront of her really interesting, so interesting in fact that she had to stand with it a centimetre from her face and miss out on the glorious site that was Skinner shaking himself off when he was done. -What a pity - NOT.
All Skinner had asked her about was Scully's unusual behaviour -oh, and did I forget to mention that he'd also said he needed Scully to - wait for it -AUTOPSY A BODY. Yeah, that would be fun, Mulder trying to distinguish an ass from the elbow…
Scully found Mulder eating pizza, she snatched it out of his hand and threw it in the bin.
'HEY! I was eating that'
'Not any more'
'What did you do that for I have a right mind to get it out of the bin and eat it'
'Yeah right,' she stood right in front of him trying to find some hint of discomfort with their whole swapping body's thing - but nothing, only…the smell of...
'Mulder, did you use my deodorant?' she asked.
'No.' He looked at her 'What are you trying to say I smell? I went out and bought one of my usual brands instead - I felt weird putting some lady perfume stuff on me, it made me feel'-
'Like a woman?' she interrupted? 'THAT IS THE POINT, YOU'VE MADE ME SMELL LIKE A MAN.'
'Look, stop having a go at me, my day's not going too well and this bra's giving me chaffing ' he said reaching under his shirt to rearrange it.
'Woah, stop right there. Come here. I'll do it - I 'm not having you anywhere near my breasts.'
'Okay, you're the boss' Mulder grinned, as though he'd already had his fill of enjoyment from them.
Stupid bastard. He'd put it on the tightest hook. She was just changing it when Skinner entered. Skinner looked like he had been slapped by a fat wet fish a couple of times- 'er…er…sorry' he mumbled making his way back out the door looking as comfortable as W.Bush in a bikini.
Scully collapsed into a chair moaning incomprehensibly. This was the worst day since she'd mistaken a bidet for a loo.
Silence.
'Thanks' Mulder cut into the silence whispering. ''There's no chaffing now.'
She almost screamed.
She'd made it through the day, and was now sitting in Mulder's apartment -or rather mess, drinking water - because there was nothing in his fridge apart from about 500 packs of sunflower seeds that weren't just in the fridge but in the bed, on the floor, on the couch …Mulder was a pig she decided, he'd even eaten that pizza out of the bin, insisting that it wasn't doing HIS body any harm…
She got up to search for something to change into. And yes - she did mean SEARCH, in this place it was a wonder he found the door to escape to work in the mornings. His clothes practically leap out of the wardrobe at her, falling in a heap across her head -she blundered around for a few seconds getting over the shock and then smacked into a chair, catching her -er -crotch awkwardly - GODDAMN IT. It bloody killed. She doubled over, trying to resist the urge to get an ice pack to put on it; as soon as she and Mulder swapped body's back again, she knew the first place she'd be kicking him for making her so humiliated -there's scope for a baseball bat in there somewhere she mused.
An idea entered her head. Slowly at first, just creeping in through the backdoor, but it had definitely entered her head. She shook her head trying to throw it out, but it had started to make itself comfortable, you know, pull up a chair, grab a cushion, kind of stuff. 'No' She said to the empty apartment. But the little idea was still there, and she knew she wouldn't be able to resist. Just a peek -NO-a really really quick look-NO -but come on when will you get the chance to see it again? She sighed giving in to her temptation, beginning to think that being in Mulder's body was having an effect on her mind. She unzipped her trousers, and pulled her pant waistband out, took a deep breath and looked down…
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Beep beep. Beep beep
Her alarm ripped through her subconscious and she rolled over aimlessly waving around with her arm in order to turn it off - HER ARM! She was in HER body, in HER bed - She grinned stupidly and then felt stupid -it had been a dream, a cruel and twisted dream - yeah like Mulder and Scully would be interested in each other's privates. She laughed at the absurdity. Her dream had been way too harsh to Mulder -he's not a bad guy, he's a loveable rogue. She rolled over ready to curl up and go right back to sleep when the phone rang - she picked it up.
'Scully'. She said.
'About er yesterday,' the voice said
'What about yesterday?' she asked hesitantly.
'Don't pull that one on me you naught minx' chuckled the voice.
'Skinner?'
'That's not what you called me yesterday, I think it was something more like Mr Big-…'
Scully slammed the phone down - this just wasn't happening.
By River
It'd be real nice if you reviewed. Cheers.
It's my first hit at 'humorous' - so please forgive me if it wastes your time…
TITLE: Ha -Bloody Ha!
Scully hated the whole tie malarkey thing. It was gagging her throat - how did Mulder manage to cope with wearing one? A message appeared on her screen telling her that she had an email - she couldn't be bothered to open it - suspecting it was one of those crude naked lady pictures that had been circulating the office.
She needed some time by herself to think and so rushed off to the loo almost entering the ladies by mistake - something is up I here you ask - firstly, Scully don't wear ties and second, excuse me but, shouldn't Scully be going to the ladies and not the little boy's room? YES SOMETHING IS UP, I'VE SWOPPED BODIES WITH MULDER, she felt like shouting. Instead, she locked herself in a toilet cubical and ran through her thoughts again, although she felt more like hiring a bus and running over them, they had been through her head so many times: She knew it was the most unbelievable thing in the world - but the undeniable fact was that she and Mulder had somehow swapped bodies. Mulder had a few theories about how it happened and all, and was going to follow them up - but it was pretty obvious that he wasn't in any rush too -he seemed to be ...er…enjoying himself.
She's woken up in Mulder's bed, first of all thinking that he'd drugged her the night before and brought her back to his place - she had freaked at the idea, then she'd got out of bed - noticed she wasn't wearing much or rather his body wasn't wearing much and really freaked.
Ring, Ring. Ring, Ring. He eventually picked up...
'Mulder?'
'Yeah?'
'Mulder! I'm in your apartment - in your body!'
'Yeah - me too, I woke up this morning, looked in the mirror and I knew something was different but couldn't quite put my finger on it -' He chuckled.
'Pleeeaassee, don't tell me you're finding this funny', she groped for words, plucking one of the three million question that was flying around in her head.
'How long have you been up?
Er about three hours - I couldn't sleep.'
'THREE HOURS?' What had he been doing for three hours - she didn't want to even think about it. 'And you didn't call me?'
'I was er getting used to being you Scully - you know practising your mannerisms and stuff so I can pass you off convincingly at work.'
'Work? You're not going to work today', she said trying to make it sound like a definite statement rather than a plea.
'And why not?'
'Because, because, everyone will think that I'm strange'
'No, I'll be really good, I will, they won't know the difference…'
Yeah, famous last words, he'd already humiliated her about the same number of times that he'd denied that the amazing large stack of videos in his cupboard (which she'd stumbled across this morning), weren't his.
For a start, whenever he sat down he left his legs wide apart, and she'd noticed Skinner had been giving him a few stares. She had told him it sit with his legs crossed countless times, but it just wasn't sinking in, unlike the orange juice that he'd had an accident with across her shirt earlier that morning. Also, he thought it was hilariously funny to flirt outrageously with Skinner, who surprisingly enough was quite receptive - Ha bloody ha. - PLUS, (she was in full flow now) he has made absolutely no effort to walk like a women and she'd heard a couple of the guys making jokes about Scully getting seriously laid the night before, and even she had to admit that Mulder made her look like she'd ridden a horse non stop for the past century.
She would have liked to stay in the cubical for the next, day, week, year… however long until this nightmare was over but someone had come into the loos and she didn't want them to think that she had a constipation problem or anything - though it would get back at Mulder, she let the thought rest for a couple of seconds -No, she wouldn't stoop that low, and so made her way out of the cubical and for the door.
'Mulder!' - I wondered where you were. 'Wait a sec, I need a word with you about Scully.'
Scully inwardly grimaced; being in the same room with Skinner while he's taking a whizz in the corner was not on her list of top ten classic entertainment. - so while Skinner continued she suddenly found the dull, scabby brick wall infront of her really interesting, so interesting in fact that she had to stand with it a centimetre from her face and miss out on the glorious site that was Skinner shaking himself off when he was done. -What a pity - NOT.
All Skinner had asked her about was Scully's unusual behaviour -oh, and did I forget to mention that he'd also said he needed Scully to - wait for it -AUTOPSY A BODY. Yeah, that would be fun, Mulder trying to distinguish an ass from the elbow…
Scully found Mulder eating pizza, she snatched it out of his hand and threw it in the bin.
'HEY! I was eating that'
'Not any more'
'What did you do that for I have a right mind to get it out of the bin and eat it'
'Yeah right,' she stood right in front of him trying to find some hint of discomfort with their whole swapping body's thing - but nothing, only…the smell of...
'Mulder, did you use my deodorant?' she asked.
'No.' He looked at her 'What are you trying to say I smell? I went out and bought one of my usual brands instead - I felt weird putting some lady perfume stuff on me, it made me feel'-
'Like a woman?' she interrupted? 'THAT IS THE POINT, YOU'VE MADE ME SMELL LIKE A MAN.'
'Look, stop having a go at me, my day's not going too well and this bra's giving me chaffing ' he said reaching under his shirt to rearrange it.
'Woah, stop right there. Come here. I'll do it - I 'm not having you anywhere near my breasts.'
'Okay, you're the boss' Mulder grinned, as though he'd already had his fill of enjoyment from them.
Stupid bastard. He'd put it on the tightest hook. She was just changing it when Skinner entered. Skinner looked like he had been slapped by a fat wet fish a couple of times- 'er…er…sorry' he mumbled making his way back out the door looking as comfortable as W.Bush in a bikini.
Scully collapsed into a chair moaning incomprehensibly. This was the worst day since she'd mistaken a bidet for a loo.
Silence.
'Thanks' Mulder cut into the silence whispering. ''There's no chaffing now.'
She almost screamed.
She'd made it through the day, and was now sitting in Mulder's apartment -or rather mess, drinking water - because there was nothing in his fridge apart from about 500 packs of sunflower seeds that weren't just in the fridge but in the bed, on the floor, on the couch …Mulder was a pig she decided, he'd even eaten that pizza out of the bin, insisting that it wasn't doing HIS body any harm…
She got up to search for something to change into. And yes - she did mean SEARCH, in this place it was a wonder he found the door to escape to work in the mornings. His clothes practically leap out of the wardrobe at her, falling in a heap across her head -she blundered around for a few seconds getting over the shock and then smacked into a chair, catching her -er -crotch awkwardly - GODDAMN IT. It bloody killed. She doubled over, trying to resist the urge to get an ice pack to put on it; as soon as she and Mulder swapped body's back again, she knew the first place she'd be kicking him for making her so humiliated -there's scope for a baseball bat in there somewhere she mused.
An idea entered her head. Slowly at first, just creeping in through the backdoor, but it had definitely entered her head. She shook her head trying to throw it out, but it had started to make itself comfortable, you know, pull up a chair, grab a cushion, kind of stuff. 'No' She said to the empty apartment. But the little idea was still there, and she knew she wouldn't be able to resist. Just a peek -NO-a really really quick look-NO -but come on when will you get the chance to see it again? She sighed giving in to her temptation, beginning to think that being in Mulder's body was having an effect on her mind. She unzipped her trousers, and pulled her pant waistband out, took a deep breath and looked down…
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Beep beep. Beep beep
Her alarm ripped through her subconscious and she rolled over aimlessly waving around with her arm in order to turn it off - HER ARM! She was in HER body, in HER bed - She grinned stupidly and then felt stupid -it had been a dream, a cruel and twisted dream - yeah like Mulder and Scully would be interested in each other's privates. She laughed at the absurdity. Her dream had been way too harsh to Mulder -he's not a bad guy, he's a loveable rogue. She rolled over ready to curl up and go right back to sleep when the phone rang - she picked it up.
'Scully'. She said.
'About er yesterday,' the voice said
'What about yesterday?' she asked hesitantly.
'Don't pull that one on me you naught minx' chuckled the voice.
'Skinner?'
'That's not what you called me yesterday, I think it was something more like Mr Big-…'
Scully slammed the phone down - this just wasn't happening.
By River
It'd be real nice if you reviewed. Cheers.