I'd like to thank my beta reader and best friend (you know who you are) for
all her help with this part, for helping me fix the mistakes and helping me
refind my Doggett voice, which I lost partially due to Mulder's smile. :-)
"Say Anything"
Part 3: Doggett
I remember thinking when we buried Luke that the worst was over with. No
more worry about having to find him, not more wondering what I could do
differently. But I was wrong. The worst was trying to live each day
knowing he couldn't and wanting so much to trade places with him. I
remember how hard it was to box up his things and store them away. Touching
each toy was a lesson in pain I never wanted relive.
Only I have relived it... in a million different ways. I'll be driving
somewhere and pass a school yard full of kids playing, and I'll think of
Luke. Or there will be a boy with his mom in the grocery store, and for a
split second he'll have Luke's smiling face. But it won't be real, and the
only way I can see my son is by opening my wallet and looking at the last
school picture he'll ever have taken.
Just like I'm doing now.
The phone rings and I close my wallet before answering. It's Agent Mulder,
which surprises me considering I figured he'd be spending the evening with
Agent Scully. She went home from the hospital today and I know he was with
her when she left.
"What can I do for you tonight, Agent Mulder?" I ask.
"I was wondering if you knew where I could find Agent Reyes."
There's something in his voice that tells me he's interested in more than
just finding her. I noticed it the day when they dragged me out there to
look at that poor dead woman. A sort of sparkle in the way he looked at
her. I also noticed the way Monica was looking at him when she didn't think
anyone was looking. At first I thought it was just professional curiosity,
but then she mentioned how good he looked considering what he'd been
through, and I knew it was more than that.
Now here he is calling me asking about her. I wonder what there is between
them and hope it's nothing.
"Why do you want to know?" I ask, and he starts stuttering like a mindless
idiot. Something about having nothing better to do and being lonely. I
want to ask him about agent Scully and remind him that if he's so lonely
there is someplace he could be, but I don't. Maybe there's a reason he's
not with Scully right now.
All that stuttering is starting to get annoying. "Look," I say, "Monica is
my friend. We look out for each other. I'm not about to tell you where she
is unless I know what your intentions are." I know I sound a little
menacing, but I can't help it. Monica's had a few bad relationships and I
can't bear to see her get hurt again. Especially not by this man.
He tells me that he just wants to talk to her--thank her for an interesting
week and wish her a good life, that sort of thing. It's probably the best
excuse I'm going to get out of him, so I give him the name of her hotel and
tell him that she's supposed to leave in the morning.
I hope I did the right thing, I honestly do. I think Monica is smitten with
him, and like I said, she hasn't had the best track record with men. And as
for Mulder, well I don't know much about him at him. I've heard a lot of
rumors about him, though. A lot of rumors. And most of those have to do
with him and his former partner. Seems a lot of people they were lovers
before his disappearance. When it became clear that she was pregnant, those
same people said the baby had to be his. So, I gotta ask myself... if
Scully's his woman and she's having his baby, then why is do I get the
impression that he's hot for my friend?
What kind of man would turn his back on the woman who was carrying his child
for a one night stand--if that's what he's looking for? Especially when the
woman was a warm, caring person like Dana Scully. Does he realize all she's
been through for him? All the time she spent looking for him and worrying
about him? Doesn't he know that she hid her pregnancy from the Bureau so
they would let her continue to work on the X-Files... all so she could keep
looking for him?
It just doesn't make sense.
But then, it's not like I really know this man. He's not the one I've spent
all these months working side by side with. That would be Scully.
Agent Dana Scully... why do I always smile when I think of her? She's
special, that's why. There's something about her... something that I can't
put my finger on, but I know I like it. She makes me feel like a hero, and
at the same time makes me feel vulnerable. I treasure each moment we work
together, but guard myself to keep her from knowing my secret.
I'm in love with her. And I'll always love her, even if she is carrying his
child, and even if she never returns my love.
Outside I can hear it start it rain, but inside the walls are starting to
close in on me. I need some fresh air and time to clear my head. So I put
on a coat, grab an umbrella and head out into the night. I decide to leave
my cell phone behind. That way, if anyone else calls looking for me, I
don't have to say anything.
(Continued in Part 4)