Best I Ever Had
By Kay
Disclaimer: If I owned them... the world would be very scared. ::sadly::
Author's Notes: Taito and Taishiro- the Taishiro being sadly one sided. ^_^;; I have noooo idea what it is with me and these kind of fics... well, this was written late one night, and it's kinda short, but... ^_^ And I wrote this a LOOOOONG time ago. I just... never uploaded it... ::sweatdrops:: Whoops?
~~~~~~~~~~~~
He's staring again.
Taichi, I mean.
Again, I'm trying to notice, ignoring what has to be the painfully obvious to everyone else. Pretending to not see how much emotion, emotion I'd love to own myself, is directed in that unwavering gaze.
It gets harder everytime. Harder to keep a cool, blank face while your boyfriend eyes someone else. In fact, it's perhaps the most difficult task I've faced yet in my life, among the many hard ones I've been forced to deal with.
But, there- I grab his dark tanned hand and press it gently, with all the sweet adoration my soul holds for this soft brown eyed beauty. A little reminder of where he is and who I am supposed to be.
It always does the trick- he flushes in that cute way of his and breaks his gaze, turning to me again while squeezing back. His smile isn't forced, but it's not brimming with any special meaning for me.
It hurts... that the uncapturable affection in his dark eyes a moment ago disappears when he looks to me. It's illogical, in fact, I should be over the entire thing by now- it's unnecessary and something of a charade. The whole thing's a game, a never ending cycle of moving to one square and hoping, preying, that you don't reach the final check mate to end it all.
Mm, I know he doesn't love me. I've known for... two years? Maybe two and a half, but I'm not certain any longer. We've been together for so much time, times after I was eleven, times after I was twelve...
I knew when it all started that the relationship would be a farce. A mask. Just an act, a momentary lapse of judgement and anger when he first blurted out if I'd like to go out to a movie with him that night. Taichi-kun was always a little clumsy with words, especially his own, but they were perfect in my naive ears. To me, all I could hear was hope- a hope for me and for what I'd long wished for.
I knew the night of our first kiss that he could never be mine.
I... I was still foolish enough to fall in love.
Love. It's an unpredictable, twisted emotion. It traps you in a neverending circle of pain and need, a deep longing ache that weaves your soul around it like a drug. I loved Taichi- I didn't mean to, either. Not at first. Yet my heart betrayed my logical, resisting mind by falling for Taichi Kamiya- falling hard. And by the time I finished falling in love, I was so addicted to that "drug" that I think I forgot or even ceased to care what was really the truth.
Two years, and my heart is a wounded, broken bird that can't fly anymore. Forgive the metaphor, but I think it fits in this case. The only hope and relief coming from the continuous wish that maybe, somehow, someday, Taichi would...
Day dreams have no place in a rational mind, but the keep me alive.
Taichi kicked the legs out from under me, caught me so unprepared and vunerable, you see. He kept me up when I thought I was going to drown. If he ever lets go- I fear I'll fall. The drug I've been addicted to for years doesn't do me good, but I know things will spiral downward if I stop taking it.
It's not his fault- he has no idea what he's done to me. Taichi never meant for me to fall in any sort of love with him, that was my own doing. Unfortunatly. He never meant to hurt me, because I was his best friend.
He doesn't seem to know that I've always understood he loves someone else.
It is extremely obvious, Taichi-kun. The way you look at each other. The silent communication- when you clap a hand on his shoulder, or accidently brush his hand, you linger for a small second. The little smiles you toss each other every morning at school, when he's lurking around the music room and you're still attached to my arms.
Anyone could see it. Love may have crippled and chained me to you, but it has never blinded me.
You're in love with Yamato Ishida.
See? Your attention, yet again, has wandered and your gaze is drifting back to the perfectly formed blonde angel who holds you wrapped around his finger. His own deep blue eyes are intensely focused on yours. I really don't think he realizes that I know either.
I could envy him. Blame him. I could most definatly hate him.
But I can't.
He has everything, the only thing, I have ever wanted in my entire life. Something so precious that it could be called a treasure to have. I claim to own it... but he knows he's meant to hold it. I could hate him, want to rip out his bones every night, want to scratch those horribly beautiful eyes that love him so *much*...
But. I can't.
Yamato's my friend- nothing can change that. Not to mention, with a side of bitterness, I completely understand the attraction. How could I not? Taichi Kamiya has him in the same spell as me, binding us to the brown eyed beauty. I understand love. Especially his undying love for Taichi, as it's also my own.
So that's why, Taichi-kun. Tha'ts why I let you stare at your angel this time.
Ignore the way another part of me cracks and wants to cry.
The others look at me- pitying and sad for me. They can tell what's going on with you and Yamato, although they have no clue that I know anything about it. Sometimes I want to scream at them, insist you do love me, even though it'd be a lie. A lie to myself and you.
I want you to love me, I want that look in your eyes to be directed at me. Every wide, brilliantly bright smile you give to him. It stings every time you do that. God, I'd give the world for just one look.
I'm glad that I have your respect, though. In all the times you've had me but wanted Yamato, you never once cheated. You kept your hands off him, even though you both could have easily went behind my back. Traded secrets and kisses and things we've never done.
For that, I'm grateful.
I'm also grateful you've given me the chance to try and love you. But I can't... I can't be selfish, Taichi-kun. Not anymore. Not with life so short and love so long and all that sentimental junk that's spinning around in my head- sometimes if you analyze that sentimental junk, you find how right it is.
Maybe someday, love, it will all be easier to handle. It will all be just a joke between us all. Unlikely but possible in my state of mind. In ten years, sitting at this same restaurant in the same booth, only switched with Taichi draped over Yamato instead of me. And I'm laughing, but dying inside.
Now that we're out of that place, where I barely ate anyway, Yamato and we two are still trying to keep up the pretense of being three best friends. But I can see your eyes follow your love's form as he gracefully walks away down the sidewalk. Why can't you look at me like that? Just once- all I've ever, ever asked for.
Just once, Taichi-kun. Before I do this, before I can let you go forever.
But, even as I stop you from walking, and look into your gentle, strong face- I know if I don't do this now you'll hurt me even more. There's no time to wait for that one look. It's better this way, for you, Yamato, and even me, once the pain ends.
It has to end, correct?
So I'm telling yout o go, Taichi-kun. Telling you what I know, what you want so badly you can't comprehend.
That I understand, and...
Just go. Love. It's time this ends and we both start on something more promising. It's hard not to cry, hard to keep an expressionless, hard face when I assure you I'll be fine and not to worry, just go after him. The way your face lit up was the hardest to bear through.
"Thanks, Koushiro-kun." The excitement in your voice was controlled by a thread. "I'm sorry-"
"I know." Smile sadly, Koushiro, but don't cry. "I'll see you tomorrow."
"Yeah. Yeah, I'd like that. See ya, Kous-kun..." You pause, eyes on me for a second. Just like I've always wanted, only you're looking with gratitude and guilt, never love. I don't think I'd be worthy of it anyway.
Hesitating, you kiss me softly, eyes closed and making it a sweet but quick stab in my chest. Then walk away in the direction you last saw your blonde angel go. When you disappear around the busy street corner of my lonely road, I finally allow myself to tremble.
And cry.
I don't need you. I don't want you. I'll get over you, since I can't have you anymore, now can I? On *my* choice, though, not yours.
When you kiss Yamato for the first time, don't think of me either. Yamato doesn't deserve that.
I guess I was the one that did.
Thank you. For giving me my most sweet memories. And a strange new strength that comes with every aching morning. Thank you for remembering to call sometimes.
And for my first and most painful kiss, the best I ever had.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
END- Yeah, yeah, it's short, it's bad... but I figured I'd upload it anyway. ::grins:: I'm cleaning out my document space now. Take care, guys! Review if desired, and all that jazz! ^_^
By Kay
Disclaimer: If I owned them... the world would be very scared. ::sadly::
Author's Notes: Taito and Taishiro- the Taishiro being sadly one sided. ^_^;; I have noooo idea what it is with me and these kind of fics... well, this was written late one night, and it's kinda short, but... ^_^ And I wrote this a LOOOOONG time ago. I just... never uploaded it... ::sweatdrops:: Whoops?
~~~~~~~~~~~~
He's staring again.
Taichi, I mean.
Again, I'm trying to notice, ignoring what has to be the painfully obvious to everyone else. Pretending to not see how much emotion, emotion I'd love to own myself, is directed in that unwavering gaze.
It gets harder everytime. Harder to keep a cool, blank face while your boyfriend eyes someone else. In fact, it's perhaps the most difficult task I've faced yet in my life, among the many hard ones I've been forced to deal with.
But, there- I grab his dark tanned hand and press it gently, with all the sweet adoration my soul holds for this soft brown eyed beauty. A little reminder of where he is and who I am supposed to be.
It always does the trick- he flushes in that cute way of his and breaks his gaze, turning to me again while squeezing back. His smile isn't forced, but it's not brimming with any special meaning for me.
It hurts... that the uncapturable affection in his dark eyes a moment ago disappears when he looks to me. It's illogical, in fact, I should be over the entire thing by now- it's unnecessary and something of a charade. The whole thing's a game, a never ending cycle of moving to one square and hoping, preying, that you don't reach the final check mate to end it all.
Mm, I know he doesn't love me. I've known for... two years? Maybe two and a half, but I'm not certain any longer. We've been together for so much time, times after I was eleven, times after I was twelve...
I knew when it all started that the relationship would be a farce. A mask. Just an act, a momentary lapse of judgement and anger when he first blurted out if I'd like to go out to a movie with him that night. Taichi-kun was always a little clumsy with words, especially his own, but they were perfect in my naive ears. To me, all I could hear was hope- a hope for me and for what I'd long wished for.
I knew the night of our first kiss that he could never be mine.
I... I was still foolish enough to fall in love.
Love. It's an unpredictable, twisted emotion. It traps you in a neverending circle of pain and need, a deep longing ache that weaves your soul around it like a drug. I loved Taichi- I didn't mean to, either. Not at first. Yet my heart betrayed my logical, resisting mind by falling for Taichi Kamiya- falling hard. And by the time I finished falling in love, I was so addicted to that "drug" that I think I forgot or even ceased to care what was really the truth.
Two years, and my heart is a wounded, broken bird that can't fly anymore. Forgive the metaphor, but I think it fits in this case. The only hope and relief coming from the continuous wish that maybe, somehow, someday, Taichi would...
Day dreams have no place in a rational mind, but the keep me alive.
Taichi kicked the legs out from under me, caught me so unprepared and vunerable, you see. He kept me up when I thought I was going to drown. If he ever lets go- I fear I'll fall. The drug I've been addicted to for years doesn't do me good, but I know things will spiral downward if I stop taking it.
It's not his fault- he has no idea what he's done to me. Taichi never meant for me to fall in any sort of love with him, that was my own doing. Unfortunatly. He never meant to hurt me, because I was his best friend.
He doesn't seem to know that I've always understood he loves someone else.
It is extremely obvious, Taichi-kun. The way you look at each other. The silent communication- when you clap a hand on his shoulder, or accidently brush his hand, you linger for a small second. The little smiles you toss each other every morning at school, when he's lurking around the music room and you're still attached to my arms.
Anyone could see it. Love may have crippled and chained me to you, but it has never blinded me.
You're in love with Yamato Ishida.
See? Your attention, yet again, has wandered and your gaze is drifting back to the perfectly formed blonde angel who holds you wrapped around his finger. His own deep blue eyes are intensely focused on yours. I really don't think he realizes that I know either.
I could envy him. Blame him. I could most definatly hate him.
But I can't.
He has everything, the only thing, I have ever wanted in my entire life. Something so precious that it could be called a treasure to have. I claim to own it... but he knows he's meant to hold it. I could hate him, want to rip out his bones every night, want to scratch those horribly beautiful eyes that love him so *much*...
But. I can't.
Yamato's my friend- nothing can change that. Not to mention, with a side of bitterness, I completely understand the attraction. How could I not? Taichi Kamiya has him in the same spell as me, binding us to the brown eyed beauty. I understand love. Especially his undying love for Taichi, as it's also my own.
So that's why, Taichi-kun. Tha'ts why I let you stare at your angel this time.
Ignore the way another part of me cracks and wants to cry.
The others look at me- pitying and sad for me. They can tell what's going on with you and Yamato, although they have no clue that I know anything about it. Sometimes I want to scream at them, insist you do love me, even though it'd be a lie. A lie to myself and you.
I want you to love me, I want that look in your eyes to be directed at me. Every wide, brilliantly bright smile you give to him. It stings every time you do that. God, I'd give the world for just one look.
I'm glad that I have your respect, though. In all the times you've had me but wanted Yamato, you never once cheated. You kept your hands off him, even though you both could have easily went behind my back. Traded secrets and kisses and things we've never done.
For that, I'm grateful.
I'm also grateful you've given me the chance to try and love you. But I can't... I can't be selfish, Taichi-kun. Not anymore. Not with life so short and love so long and all that sentimental junk that's spinning around in my head- sometimes if you analyze that sentimental junk, you find how right it is.
Maybe someday, love, it will all be easier to handle. It will all be just a joke between us all. Unlikely but possible in my state of mind. In ten years, sitting at this same restaurant in the same booth, only switched with Taichi draped over Yamato instead of me. And I'm laughing, but dying inside.
Now that we're out of that place, where I barely ate anyway, Yamato and we two are still trying to keep up the pretense of being three best friends. But I can see your eyes follow your love's form as he gracefully walks away down the sidewalk. Why can't you look at me like that? Just once- all I've ever, ever asked for.
Just once, Taichi-kun. Before I do this, before I can let you go forever.
But, even as I stop you from walking, and look into your gentle, strong face- I know if I don't do this now you'll hurt me even more. There's no time to wait for that one look. It's better this way, for you, Yamato, and even me, once the pain ends.
It has to end, correct?
So I'm telling yout o go, Taichi-kun. Telling you what I know, what you want so badly you can't comprehend.
That I understand, and...
Just go. Love. It's time this ends and we both start on something more promising. It's hard not to cry, hard to keep an expressionless, hard face when I assure you I'll be fine and not to worry, just go after him. The way your face lit up was the hardest to bear through.
"Thanks, Koushiro-kun." The excitement in your voice was controlled by a thread. "I'm sorry-"
"I know." Smile sadly, Koushiro, but don't cry. "I'll see you tomorrow."
"Yeah. Yeah, I'd like that. See ya, Kous-kun..." You pause, eyes on me for a second. Just like I've always wanted, only you're looking with gratitude and guilt, never love. I don't think I'd be worthy of it anyway.
Hesitating, you kiss me softly, eyes closed and making it a sweet but quick stab in my chest. Then walk away in the direction you last saw your blonde angel go. When you disappear around the busy street corner of my lonely road, I finally allow myself to tremble.
And cry.
I don't need you. I don't want you. I'll get over you, since I can't have you anymore, now can I? On *my* choice, though, not yours.
When you kiss Yamato for the first time, don't think of me either. Yamato doesn't deserve that.
I guess I was the one that did.
Thank you. For giving me my most sweet memories. And a strange new strength that comes with every aching morning. Thank you for remembering to call sometimes.
And for my first and most painful kiss, the best I ever had.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
END- Yeah, yeah, it's short, it's bad... but I figured I'd upload it anyway. ::grins:: I'm cleaning out my document space now. Take care, guys! Review if desired, and all that jazz! ^_^