First off, I'd like to apologize for the fact that chapter two may not quite live up to the humor level standard set by chapter one. Suck it up and read this anyway. I'll let you know that I never once claimed to be humorous in any way, shape, or form. ( Well, maybe I look funny… ^_^). Meh. Secondly, you should all know that a fellow fanfic writer, MemoryNo1, is going to turn 18 on April 21st ( is that right?). I'm asking you to e-mail birthday greetings to her! Her e-mail is maroula24@aol.com, if you're too lazy to go find her profile. Hmm… nothing much else to say, so, here's…

The Legend of Zelda : Link Does Stuff

Part 2

" Hey! What's that?"

Link looked in the direction that Lupi was pointing. Through the snow he could see a goron, stuck by it's tongue to a metal pole.

Do gorons have tongues?

" I guess."

Link got down off of his cow and headed over to the goron.

Can I help you?

" Ubth ungh erh adth."

" I don't think that he can read."

Oh.

" Too bad you don't have ESP."

But I do.

" Really? Sure you do…"

Hello - I haven't written anything down in how long?

" Oh… wow, I didn't even notice. You freak."

Hey!

" Knock it off! I like the mute, writing on paper Link more."

Fine then. So what do we do about the goron?

" Well, I guess we find some hot water and pour it on his tongue to unstick him."

But it's illegal to put water in bottles in Hyrule. Besides, they only have hot water in Termina.

" Well, they only have people like the cucco girl in Hyrule - no, wait."

No need for sarcasm.

" Shut up and get going."

He was sick of arguing, so he got back on the cow and went in the direction that the " hot water" sign pointed in. They found some and put it in a bottle.

* You have hot water! Use it fast, or it will cool off.*

Link, Lupi, and the cow sped off in the direction of the goron. Just before they got there, however…

* The water has cooled. Now it's just spring water.*

" No problem, we'll just try again."

And so they did. And got the exact same result. So they tried once more. Returning from this trip as well the water cooled off.

@^$& *$#^&^ @$^*$&! Stupid Nintendo! I bet they programmed the game so that this could not possibly be done!

With that, Link took out his sword and hacked off the goron's outstretched tongue. The goron fell over backwards.

You ok?

" Link, stop it with the ESP!"

Shut up.

He kicked the goron a few times. It began to move and sat up.

" Gee, thanks. One of the costume people glued a tongue in my mouth and told me that this pole tasted like rocks."

Well, aren't you the moron.

" No, I am the goron."

Lupi groaned. " So, why did we have to help you?"

" I'm gonna teach you a song and send you to the first temple thing."

" New song? Great. Let's get going."

" First I have to lead you through a long and confusing maze. But I must warn you, I'm going to go really fast, and if you go the wrong way, you'll be warped back to the beginning of the maze."

Woohoo! A maze! But where do we leave the cow?

" Oh, gee, I don't know." Lupi sat and thought a bit. " Just leave her here, I guess. Epona has never run off before. This cow ought to be ok just hanging out until we call her."

Yeah, I guess. Hey, I just realized that she doesn't have a name.

" That's right! Let's see, you have a new cow."

Yup, and she's a moo cow, a true cow.

" How about Caroline?"

Sure! She's an extra special friend of mine.

" Will you shut up already? I can't stand Gypsy. Anyway, I wanna go home. So let's get this over with. Follow me."

And so they did. Since this part is boring, we'll skip to…

" And here you learn a new song!" The goron told them, gesturing to the lovely rocks that made up the cave's walls. " It's nice, huh. The walls are 100% rock."

" Lovely… could we get going?"

" Sure. Here goes, the Ode to Idiocy!

__________________

____0______0____0_

_______0__________

* You've learned the Ode to Idiocy!*

" Great. Now, just head down that path, and you'll find the temple thing. There is a big monster there and he scares us and he has been stealing our rocks," the goron recited in a monotone.

Lupi and Link headed down the path, leaving the goron behind. Soon they came to a large stone wall.

Now what?

" Hey! Look at that little hole. You can squeeze through there."

Are you insane?

" Hey! Just go already! I want t get this over with."

Grumbling, Link got down on his hands and knees and tried to climb through the hole in the wall.

" You're almost there… uh, Link? Why aren't you getting anywhere?"

I think I'm stuck.

" What? I can't read the paper if it's stuck in there with you. Use your ESP. Oh, I get it! That's the problem! You're stuck in the wall!"

Pure genius. That must be why I got you as a fairy.

" I knew it!" Lupi started to giggle. Then she began to laugh. Within a minute, she was hysterical, on the ground. " Ha… ha… too… fat…oh, this is… priceless… oh wow…my sides… hurt… make it stop…hahaha…ha…"

Yup thanks for the help.

So, anyway, once Lupi finished laughing, she went back to look for the goron that they had been talking to. She got him to come and help her free Link. Basically, the method used was kicking Link in the rear after a running start. Several kicks later…

Link stood on the other side of the wall, rubbing his butt.

A bit sore.

" Yup. Tough. Let's get going."

Link nodded. The two headed for the first door that they saw.

Argh. It's one of those stupid puzzles. You fly up there and tell me where to push the blocks.

" Why? Don't you usually do this kind of stuff on your own?"

Yeah, but do you know how hard that is? I can't see where they're supposed to be going.

" Oh. Good point."

After they completed their puzzle, a small treasure chest appeared.

* Link got a small key!*

Link took the key and ran to the door. After unlocking it, he paused.

Hey, Lupi?

" What?"

I just realized… if all of the doors in any given temple open with the exact same key, why don't I just keep one, and reuse it?

" Wow, I never thought of that. Let's go!"

And so they did. Link ran through every room, stopping only to unlock doors.

Lizalfos attacked? Link ran on by!

Empty room? Link ran on by!

Lots of rupees, out in the open? Link ran on by!

Anyway, he eventually reached the boss room.

" Oh, we forgot to get the boss key…"

Meh. I just happen to have a hairpin. Help me pick the lock.

Finally they finished, and were able to enter the bosses chamber. Inside, they found…

Augh! Ganon, the giant pig monster?

The pig monster snorted. " Heck no! I'm just mad because I was rejected for the part of Pumbaa in The Lion King."

Oh. Wasn't that, like, years ago?

" Shaddup! You will now face my wrath!" The pig monster that was not Ganon charged Link. However, he being such a big creature and all, moved so incredibly slowly that Link was able to stand in place and watch him for about 20 minutes before the pig monster came anywhere near him. Finally, he got there.

" Hey! Link, watch out for the horns. I think that they're what hurt you. And his weak spot is his belly button."

Link turned and stared at her.

How am I supposed to get to his belly button?

" I dunno. Maybe we should have stopped to get the fairy bow, instead of blowing through the temple."

Yeah, maybe.

The pig monster fell over on it's side and began to roll around the room.

" Hey! Run in and get it while it's rolling at you."

Since Link had no better ideas, he did as he was told. The pig monster was rolling straight at him…

" Aim for the belly!"

Link got him. The monster flashed red… and rolled over him.

" Wow! He didn't even flatten you. Good thing, because you still have to get him three more times."

The process was repeated three more times on the pig monster. Finally, it just died, disintegrating as all baddies must do.

" Ahhhh… who would ever have thought that a good little boy like you wearing new tights could destroy my beautiful wickedness? I coulda been a star! You don't know what you missed, Disney! Hakuna Matata!" And then the monster was gone.

" Are your tights ok?"

They're great.

" Good, then let's get in the blue warp thingy."

Movie Sequence

" Link, Link, are you there? You have saved us!"

It was one of the monkeys from Termina!

"Thank you, Link! You're our hero! You get a piece of magical cheesecake! Collect all six pieces to unlock the path to Ganondorf!

Then the monkeys faded away.

Link found himself sitting in a field.

" Hey! My Palm Pilot says that we go to see Saria next! Get your cow."

Link pulled out his ocarina and began to play Epona's song. Nothing happened.

Where's Caroline?

" I dunno. Try again."

Link tried the song again. Nothing happened.

" Wait, I know! It's because it's Caroline, not Epona!"

So how do we get back the cow? Cows don't have a song.

" I guess we just walk for now, then."

And so they did. On the path to Kokiri Forest, Link spotted a little white bunny rabbit off to the side, hiding in the grass.

Oh, bunny!

Link went running off toward the rabbit. It sat there and watched him as he came closer. Suddenly, the bunny began to flash, and grow.

" Link, watch out! It's a pokemon!"

No! Not a pokemon!

He covered his face and stood back as the crazed bunny pokemon lunged at his face. The creature…

Suddenly, everything went black.

A voice was heard, like that of God. Only, it wasn't.

" This game stinks. Where did I put Yoshi's Story?"

Will everything be ok? Did " The voice" save the game? Will I ever write something funny again? Will I be sued for stealing ideas in this from Zelda, Gypsy, Pokemon, and The Wizard of Oz? And most importantly, will the first set of questions ever be answered? Find out next time in LoZ:LDS ! Bubbles!!!