The Love reflecting in my Eyes
This takes place about seven years before Voldemort
was defeated, and ten years after the previous story. Henri and Ellen have been
married for eight years and they have a six-year-old daughter Sydney who is the
star of a later part, which was actually written first. It would have been
about 1974, give or take a year, I'm not exactly sure. James and Lily are about
7th years, not that that has any relation to the story at all. Disclaimer – Same as the first part
The room was completely dark, inky dark if you would go so far as to describe it. It was one of those darks where you could just barely see your hand in front of your face. Of course Henri didn't care what type of dark it was, only that it was, for it fit exactly the mood he was in at the moment. He didn't have to look over to the empty spot in the bed beside him to remember what had taken place earlier that night, of the fight that occurred, which was why he was sleeping alone, and she was sleeping with their daughter. He wondered how she found out? Did she find the hood, or maybe the letters? Or was it the dark mark, which he had spent so much time trying to hide. He unconsciously touched the spot on his left arm. He had kept it hidden for these last couple of months, but she was his wife, she was bound to find it someday.
Suddenly he heard the little pitter-patter of stocking feet and turning towards the door he saw the small figure of their six year old daughter Sydney standing there holding her bunny under one arm.
"Daddy?" she said softly. "Mummy took my bed, can I come sleep here?" He couldn't have said no even if he had wanted to. Even with her young mind she knew her parents were fighting, she could sense it. Her parents never fought, or at least she could never remember them fighting. She loved her mother like all little girls should, but she loved her father more. There was no direct reasoning she could think of for this, but she did. He beckoned for her to come into the room without making a sound. A couple seconds later he felt movement on the bed beside him, and Sydney throw her arms around him.
" Goodnight Daddy" she said in her small six-year-old voice, giving him a kiss on the cheek.
"Goodnight darling" he said softly, looking down, but she was already asleep, her small body curled up beside him, and putting his arm around her for a moment he could forget that after earlier that night this would probably be the last chance he would ever see her again.
Henri woke up early the next morning, and sitting up noticed that Sydney was still asleep, the sunlight reflecting off her coal black hair that was covering her face like a mask. She had the same color hair as he did, but her mother's eyes. He was glad she was still asleep, so he didn't have to look into her eyes. Pulling on his regular robes, he got ready for the day. He didn't take him long, for most of the mornings he was distracted by Ellen. Closing the door softly, as not to wake his daughter, he walked down the darkened hallway, stopping only in front of Sydney's door, which was open. He meant just to close it quietly, but instead her just stood there, watching Ellen sleep. Watching her there, he couldn't help thinking of the night before. The yelling and screaming, there was so much yelling and screaming, mostly on her part, only on her part. He figured that whatever he had to say would probably dig him deeper in the hole he was already in. Half of what she said was incomprehensible, but it didn't matter. Finally she stopped, burst into tears and ran out of the room. He hadn't said a word in his defense. He didn't know how much time passed while he was standing in the doorway. Ellen knew he was there, she could sense it, but she wasn't about to let him know that she was awake. She switched potions and noticed that Sydney wasn't in the bed with her. He better not hurt her, she thought, starting to get angry. Stop it Ellen she thought angrily to herself. How could she dare think that about Henri, he was her father, he would never hurt Sydney, or at least the Henri she knew yesterday wouldn't have, she didn't know anymore. Why? Why Henri, Why? You swore to me the first day we met that you didn't practice the dark arts, why couldn't you have been telling the truth then. But if you knew the truth would you still have married him? She wanted the answer to be no, but she knew in her heard that it was yes. Of course she still would have married him. Go away Henri, leave the house right now and never come back. As if he got her subliminal message, she heard the noise of a cloak turning, and the door shutting quietly, like he originally attended to. Hurrying down the stairs, Henri slipped out the front door, and apparated to the Ministry, where he continued his mundane job as assistant to the head of the Accidental charms division.
Hours past and he still couldn't concentrate, couldn't even think straight. He had been working on the same report all day, and hadn't written a sentence. Finally he realized that he wasn't going to get work done at the office, at least as long as the fight remained unsettled. Maybe now she would listen to reason, or at least let him explain himself. Grabbing his cloak off the chair, and making sure no one was looking he apparated to the front of his home. He heard his daughter Sydney singing as soon as he entered, and so he knew at least she hadn't left him, not yet anyway. Sydney was sitting at the kitchen table drawing, and looked up when he came into the room.
"Mommy is mad at you" she said matter of factly.
"Did she say why she was mad at me sweetie?" he asked, sitting down beside her.
"Nope" she continued with her drawing. Hearing footsteps he turned around, seeing Ellen in the doorway.
"You get away from her," She practically hissed at him in a cold tone. In the eight years he had known her he had never heard her speak to him, or anyone in that tone. She pulled out her wand and pointed it straight at his heart. "If you don't get out of this house right now I'll hex you, and don't you dare think I won't, because I will, I promise."
"Ellen, Listen." He jumped up.
"I have nothing to hear from you." She went over and helped Sydney down from the chair.
"Sydney darling, why don't you wait for me upstairs, we'll be leaving in a few minutes." She said in a completely different, but false tone. Sydney dashed out of the room. It frightened her to see her parents fight.
"Where are you going?"
"We're going to my parents. I'm leaving Henri," she said, forcefully picking up Sydney's drawing things.
"Won't you at least let me explain?" he said desperately.
"What is there to explain? I saw it with my eyes, you can't just explain that away."
"It's not like that"
"Not like what" Her voice was rising; she had broken a pencil but didn't even notice. "So that dark mark I saw was just an illusion, my eyes were playing tricks on me. Do you think if I had any choice in the matter I would want this to happen. All this time I thought you were on our side Henri, and it turns out that you're not. I can't believe Marilla was right all along." She paused to catch her breath. He took a step forward, and she put out her hand to stop him. "Don't even think about coming near me."
"Ellen please"
"Don't Ellen please me. How do you think that makes me feel? Betrayed doesn't even being to describe it. And if you think I'm going to leave my daughter to be in danger, you have to be kidding. I loved you, once, but I could never love someone who follows him." She spat the last word.
"I don't follow him, I'm a spy," he blurted out quickly before he lost the courage to say it. Just telling one person was going against Centre doctrine, and he could be greatly punished if anyone found out, but he didn't care. Not losing Ellen was more important to him then anything else in the world. She opened her mouth to speak again, but nothing came out.
"So not only did you join the dark side, but you spy for them as well." She finally stuttered out.
"No" he put his hand out in protest. "For the ministry, well not exactly the ministry, but a group associated with the ministry." He was rambling and he knew it. "For the last six months. I wanted to tell you, I wanted to tell someone, but I couldn't." She watched him, trying to figure out if he was telling the truth or not. She wanted to believe him, oh how she wanted to believe him more then anything, but there was still that small voice in the back of her head saying that no, he was just making up excuses. "Please, you have to trust me" his eyes were begging. This was killing her, but she had no choice.
"Henri, I'm sorry but I just don't know who to trust anymore" and with that she turned and walked out of the kitchen, leaving him standing shocked.
She hurried up the stairs as fast as she could, wanting to get out of this house as fast as possible. She had already packed bags for herself and Sydney, so all she had to do was grab them and touch the portkey which she had pre-set to go to her mothers home. Sydney was waiting at the top of the stairs holding her bunny. "You ready to go darling?"
"Is Daddy coming?" Sydney asked, looking past her mother down the stairs.
"No, he's coming later" she lied, knowing fair well Sydney would put up a fight if her father wasn't coming as well. Soon she would tell her daughter the truth, not here, not now. Grabbing Sydney's hand, she picked up a family picture from the side table, and immediately felt the pulling sensations, and the next thing she knew she was standing on her parent's lawn in the Highlands of Scotland.
A month past, and she hadn't heard a word from Henri. She hoped at first that he would try and contact her, but when he didn't, she just started to believe that her assumptions that he had gone over to the dark side were correct. She never assumed she would miss him so much though. Every morning she would wake up and the rolling over felt a pang in her chest when she realized that he wasn't sleeping beside her, or he hadn't been sleeping beside her. Sydney was worse. Every five minutes it was 'Where is Daddy?" or "When is daddy coming?" or she would just on the front lawn and wait for hours upon end.
Then she got news, news that normally would be joyous and happy, but under the circumstances wasn't. She found out she was with child. "You have to tell him," her father said, later that night, looking up from the floor where he was trying to get Sydney to play Exploding Snap with him.
"But why?" she brought her knees up to her chest and curled up, staring off into space.
"Because it's his child and he has the right to know."
"We're not saying you have to go and visit him, just write him a letter." Her mother said, sitting down beside her daughter on the couch and putting her arm around her. Ellen could feel the tears starting to come, again. Every time she even thought of Henri she had to urge to cry, but held herself back. His sweet touch and warm embrace, even looking at Sydney was hard. How her daughter looked so much like her father was definitely noticeable. She had his hair, his light skin, even some of his mannerisms Ellen noticed Sydney picked up.
"I miss him so much Mother" Ellen sobbed, pulling herself closer to her mother, wishing she was a small child again. Mrs. McKenzie made a gesture at her husband, motioning for him to get Sydney out of the room.
"I'm sure you do dear, but you have to forget him and move on with your life. He betrayed you greatly. You have Sydney and another child on the way to think about" She replied, stroking her daughters hair softly.
"But what he was telling the truth… what if…" she said, voicing the doubts she had been having for weeks.
"But he wasn't" her mother said forcefully. " Now why don't you go to bed, you've had a long day." So Ellen got up and slowly made her way to the door. "Ellen, just think about it, okay?" Ellen nodded in response, and then headed up to bed, alone.
She quickly turned the key and slipped unnoticed into the house. Henri obviously hadn't changed the wards since she left so she could still enter undetected. She knew he would be at work right now, and wanted to do this without his knowledge. All she had to do was leave the letter, and leave. Why she didn't just do it by owl was beyond her, but something told her she needed to do it in person. Of course what she didn't take into account was that he had stopped going to work, at least at the Ministry, since she had left. Hearing a noise in what was his study she went to investigate. She peaked in and it took her totally by surprise to see him sitting in the corner talking to someone in the fireplace. She gasped, but luckily he was too involved with who he was talking to notice. Try as she might she couldn't pull herself away.
"No, I haven't found anything else out yet." Henri said irritated. The face responded, but she couldn't catch what it said. "I know it's been six weeks, but what you're expecting is miracles. He doesn't go around telling every random person in his circle his plans. My fathers name only gets me so far and you know it." A pause, "Listen, I'm sorry, I just think some one might be suspicious. I just wanted to be careful. If I get myself killed it's not going to do us any good, now is it?" He shrugged. "No she hasn't returned yet, and I'm starting to believe she never will." Another pause, "Yes I told her, I know it's against doctrine, but I don't care. She didn't believe me anyway." His shoulders started to droop. "Yes, I'll be careful, and yes I'll try to find out who he's planning on striking next, though it's going to be difficult. Yes, of course, I'll report back next Saturday." And then the fire went out. Henri stood up, and Ellen quickly backed away, not wanting him to see her standing in the doorway. Of course she forgot about the plant behind her and backed right into it. "What the @#$#%$?" he swore, hearing the noise. Running was the first thing that came to mind, and so she ran as fast as she could down the hall and up the stairs. She hurried into the first dark room she saw, which was Sydney's room.
"All right, who's there? I know someone is there. The house is inescapable, come out now. " He called from the front landing. My God, he was telling the truth, she thought her mind spinning. All this time he really was telling the truth, he really was a spy, is a spy. She mentally slapped herself. How could she ever think that he was a dark wizard, this was Henri she was talking about, her husband, the man who she loved, how could she not trust him. She's the one who should be begging for forgiveness from him, not the other way around. Peaking out of the door, she saw him on the top landing, wand in hand. Ellen knew she was never going to get out of the house without confronting him, and that was one of the last things she wanted to do. She felt so stupid, so ashamed. She glanced around the room. If only she could open the window, and then when she was on the ledge apparate away. Forgetting that the wards included the windows, when she touched it, she got an electric shock strong enough to throw her back and leave her dazed. Of course Henri heard the noise and came running, thinking he had heard the intruder. Great was his surprise when he saw who it actually was.
"Ellen?" He looked at her confused, wondering if his eyes deceived him.
"What?" She responded defensively, getting up and dusting herself off.
"What…what are you doing here?" He asked, obviously shaken.
"I have every right to be here you know."
"Yes, but.." He couldn't finish his sentence. He brushed his hair back, totally flustered. Finally he regained composer. "Never mind, you're right, Good day" and with a swish of his robes, he turned from the room.
"Henri, wait" she called out before she could stop herself. He stopped but didn't turn around. "There is a reason I came here today. There is something I needed to tell you, something I needed to tell you in person" He paused, waiting for her to go on. "I'm…. I'm with child." She had no idea what made her say that, it just came out. She told him, which solved that problem. He waited a moment, as if he was trying to regain composer of himself.
"Why are you telling me this Ellen? Why don't you just say, hey Henri I have another child, but I'm not going to let you ever see him or her, because I think you're evil. Why even tell me at all?" He finally said, his voice dripping with sarcasm.
"Henri, it's not like that" She was doing her best to not cry, to stand there and keep her voice calm. He turned around, anger in his gesture, but a completely different set of emotions in his eyes. There was sadness, betrayal, apprehension, bewilderment, suspicion, fear, but most of all love. She felt something inside of her snap; whatever that had kept her from believing him in the fist place was gone. In one swift movement she crossed the room and threw her arms around him. He stiffed up, confused, but sunk to the floor with her. She just buried her head in his robe, mumbling, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry" over and over again. He smelled like spices and a forest in the fall, a smell that she loved. She didn't want to ever move from this place, curled up with his arms around her. It was the most comforting place, where nothing with the realities of life could harm her.
"Oh Ellen, it's okay." He whispered, stroking her hair. She finally looked up at him, and he noticed she had been crying. "Don't cry" he gently kissed a tear off her cheek. This small act of kindness made her cry harder. Finally she calmed herself down, and found herself sitting beside him on the wall, her hand clutched tightly in his own, as if he was afraid to let go of her, that she might disappear.
"Why Henri? Why did you have to be a spy? Why you? " She asked, catching his eyes with her own. He looked away.
"My father was an extremely powerful dark wizard," he said after a minute of silence. " He was the head advisor to Grindelwald before he was defeated in 1945. I was a year old. My mother was already dead. I don't know how he got away after the defeat, but he did. My father was the only person I knew growing up except for our neighbors, which consisted of a man and his wife and their one child who was ten years younger then myself. When I entered Hogwarts I probably knew more dark spells then all of the Slytherins combined. My father had taught me well." He couldn't say this without a small bit of sarcasm and anger seeping into his tone. "He was positive that's where I would be sorted, but the sorting hat surprised everyone by putting me in Gryffindor. I'm sure even the professors were sure I was going to be in Slytherin. I have been told that I was certainly my fathers' son. I had met Samuel on the train, and he was the first friend I really ever had. All I wanted was to be in the same house as he would be in, and since he was before me, he was sorted first and made the decision for me. I always wonder if I had been sorted first, would I have gone to Slytherin instead. They say the sorting hat has been known to put you where you want to be, and even with all the ideas of power that had been drilled in my head since I was a small child, I chose friendship. My father would have killed me if he knew that I had actually wanted to be in Gryffindor, but instead he thought it was an accident, said he didn't want a Gryffindor as a son, and cut me off without a dime. I never saw him. I didn't care; I hated my father. I don't know what happened to him, he could be in Azkaban for all I know. At school it was pretty hard to keep the truth about who he really was hidden from me. When I graduated I was immediately recruited by the Centre, which is a small intelligence group affiliated with the Ministry. They taught me everything, including how to apparate, so that my apparation signal wouldn't be recorded by the Ministry. Everyone who works for the Centre has a unrecognizable apparation code. A year ago Marcus, who was spying against you-know-who, was killed, and I was immediately assigned the job, I was perfect, considering whom my father was, considering my family history, the fact that I was a Gryffindor could be ignored. I didn't want to do it" He choked on his words. "I was so afraid…so frightened that even though I hadn't performed a dark spell since I was eleven, that it was still up there, and that I might slip, break my promise to Dumbledore in a moment of weakness. The only thing that kept me sane was the knowledge that my life wouldn't be worth living if I did. The last thing I wanted was to end up like my father. " He stopped, and finally looked back at her, hesitant for her reaction. Ellen didn't want to move, didn't want to accept the reality of life around her. She couldn't believe it though, she had been married to Henri for six years, and yet there was so much that she didn't know about him. Finally when she regained composer of herself she looked up. He was watching her intently.
"I don't know what to say"
"You don't have to say anything, you asked why and I told you why. I felt you as my wife deserved the right to know." He stood up, helping her up as well. Suddenly she picked up her hand and slapped him across the cheek. He jumped back out of surprise from this action.
"What was that for?" he asked, certainly very confused.
"Remember when we first met, and I asked you if you were involved in the dark arts?" He nodded, remembered that day perfectly. " Do you remember what I said I would do if you said yes?"
"You said you would slap me" he replied, it suddenly coming clear.
"Do you remember what I said next?"
"That you would try and change me?" She nodded. "But I don't need changing"
"Then I certainly got my work cut out for me then, don't I" She pulled him close, placing her head on his shoulder. They stood there, not moving, till the clock struck four. "I've got to go," she said suddenly, jumping back. She was supposed to pick up Sydney at her mothers house an hour ago.
"Go?" He asked, with a hint of confusion in his voice.
"I have to go pick up our daughter and bring her home, you can come if you want" His face lit up like a child's.
"Of course." He followed her out of the house, picking up his cloak on the way out. They apparated to her parents house in Scotland, and for the first time he didn't worry that she saw him, since she knew the truth. Her mother greeted them at the door, and she didn't look happy at all, but she stepped aside to let the two of them by. If looked could kill, Henri would have been dead on that stoop right then. Her eyes probed his, as to say, what are you doing here? He tightened his grip on Ellen's hand, as to say, this is why I am here.
"Ellen, darling, can I speak to you in the other room please?" Mrs. MacKenzie said, nodding towards the living room.
"I'll be right back, don't worry" Ellen whispered to him, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek before following her mother. He knew his mother-in-law would do almost anything to convince her daughter not to come back with him. He was left alone in the foyer, but not for long. Padded footsteps were heard coming down the front hall, and they were too light to be any of the men of the house. His daughters' head peaked around the corner. Ian, a small boy from the down the street that she had been playing with said that there was a strange scary looking man in the hall, and of course she wanted to go and investigate. She stopped and quickly did a double take, making sure she really did see her father in the hall. Finally she decided he was for real.
"DADDY!" she cried, running over to him and throwing her arms around his neck and he bent down to pick her up.
"Hey Sydney darling" he replied, giving her a quick kiss on the forehead. He didn't want to put her back down again, and apparently Sydney had come to the same decision, snuggling up to his shoulder.
"Where have you been? Mummy wouldn't say." She asked, looking up at him with those blue eyes of hers.
"I've been really busy darling, I'm sorry. I promise never to do it again. " He replied, grateful Ellen hadn't told Sydney anything.
"Sydney, are you coming?" a small annoyed male voice said from behind them. Henri turned around, noticing a small mousy haired boy who couldn't be older then six standing in the doorway. He took one looked at Sydney, another at Henri and then took an unconscious step backwards. This man frightened him, and he couldn't understand why Sydney was hugging him.
"Ian, this is my Daddy. Daddy this is Ian, he lives down the street."
"Ian, nice to meet you." Henri said, smiling at the small boy.
"Sydney" Ian said, half whining, half begging.
"Darling, why don't you start to pack, Mommy and I are going home soon okay" Henri said, putting Sydney back on the ground and giving her a push towards Ian, who certainly looked relieved to leave the room. Standing alone in the foyer again he couldn't help overhearing the argument that was going on in the other room.
"Ellen, What are you doing, bringing him" she spat the word him with utter distaste, like he was a disgusting bug or slug, "into this house. I thought you told us that you were going to have him out of your life."
"I know mother, but plans change. I love him, and if you love a person you can't just give up like that."
"Pah, you don't love him. That isn't love."
"How can you say that? We've been married for eight years, who are you to judge on our love."
"You may love him, but he certainly doesn't love you. He's using you Ellen, and I just don't want you to get hurt that's all."
"He's not using me, if anything I'm using him" her voice was rising in anger. Henri felt the urge to go through the door and protest, but something held him back.
"He has you under a curse doesn't he. He's controlling you again."
"MOTHER, how dare you ever even suggest a thing!" Her voice held that cold tone that Henri had only heard once before, and that was that day a month ago.
"Well, what do you expect me to say? Last night you were crying, saying how much he hurt you, and now you're acting like he's the greatest person in the world, like nothing happened."
"Please, you have to believe me. Things have changed, I was mistaken." There was silence. Henri peaked in, still in the shadows so they couldn't see him. Ellen had her back to him, and her mother was facing the door. He could see Mrs. MacKenzies face, and it was as if she was still trying to figure out if it really was her daughter speaking or not. Finally her face relaxed.
"All right, I believe you." Ellen threw herself into her mothers' arms. "But, if anything happens to you or my grandchildren, I will have my revenge." Ellen laughed and took a step back.
"Okay Mother, you can have your revenge. Anyway, I have to go. It's late and I suspect Sydney will want to spend sufficient time with her father before she goes to bed."
Which was true of course, because she kept her father busy in her room long after her bedtime. He finally got her to bed, almost temped to use a sleeping charm on her. She fell asleep in the middle of one of his stories, and shutting off the light, he made his way from her room back to his own. Ellen was sitting in bed, reading a book. She looked up and smiled at him when he entered. Slipping off him clothes from the day, he put on something comfortable to sleep in, and slipped into bed. Putting her book on the bedside table, she slid down beside him, curling her legs around his. He relaxed and draping his arm around her shoulder, pulled her close. It was something she had missed, being so close to someone; it was as if the two one them had been combined into one. It was one of those things that she didn't realized she had missed, but now that they were back, she knew where that small part of her that was missing went.
"I love you," he whispered, his voice muffled by her hair.
"I know." She mumbled and then slowly slipped into the world of dreams. He stayed awake for a bit longer, watching her sleep. He felt the same as he did when they first married, and he would stay away and watch her sleep, amazing that she was actually his wife, that she had actually agreed to marry him. If you had told him yesterday that he would have been laying here, actually not alone, he would have doubted your sanity, but yet, here he was. The last month was hell, and the only thing that kept him going was the knowledge that she was out there, somewhere and there was the small chance that she might come back. She made him whole, his other half, his good. He wasn't good alone, he was never good, he knew that, had always known that. The fact that they expected him to be good was what kept him going in the right direction. The fact that Samuel, that the headmaster, and that most importantly that Ellen expected him to be good stopped him for continuing the family history, from following in his father's footsteps. She had more power over him then any one else in the world, but of course he didn't mind. He watched her for a few more minutes, till finally his own sleep overcame him and he drifted away, to a place that was peaceful and all was right with the world
A/N – Okay, so here it is, the next part will be up pretty soon, soon being probably not within the next week, but probably within the next month. I do have finals after all. It's written down in my daybook, but not transferred to computer yet. The next part will be a transition stage between this and the part I wrote a long time ago and is already posted. It will take place about two years later and make everything fall into place. Hope you enjoy it so far, and although I am not one to beg for reviews, I do ask. It makes me sad to see people with 277 some odd reviews and me with like 2.
Copy write 2001 MollyCo~
Also – I am looking for a Beta reader, so if anyone has any suggestions I would really appreciate it…thanks a million and a half