C vs. D
"I can't believe I ate the whole thing."
Chapter 3: Dende's Enlightenment
By Cremrock
Dende and Gohan soared through the sky, their destination being Orange Star High School. Gohan was happily chattering away about his adventures as the Great Saiyaman, pointing out this bank where he'd beaten up a bunch of robbers, or this park where he'd helped an old lady across the street. Dende was trying his best to appear interested, but in reality he was dreading school, and it was evident on his face. Gohan noticed this and stopped, hovering in the air in front of his friend.
"Hey Dende, maybe if you told me why you hate school so much I'll be able to help." Gohan smiled at Dende. Dende glanced at Gohan but said nothing, a hint of sadness in his eyes. "Aw c'mon Dende, we've still got a hour or two left until school starts, lets go sit on that park bench and we'll talk." Dende stared at Gohan for a moment.
"Will you buy me a drink?" Dende asked hopefully. Gohan sighed.
"Yes Dende, I'll be glad to, now c'mon, lets go." The two began decreasing their height in the air. Unfortunately, this touching moment of self reflection was broken up as a flock of birds collided with the pair.
"Ahh!" Dende screamed as the flock swept him away. Gohan swore as feathers flew all around him, momentarily blinding him. They both flailed their arms wildly, and finally broke free from the flock and landed on the ground, covered in feathers, dirt, and bird crap. They both sighed and pinched their noses, as they smelled terrible. Their clothes were obviously ruined.
"Hey Gohan, the price of admission just went up to two drinks." Dende said dryly. Gohan sighed and pulled out his wallet. Dende glanced around, reached into his collar/neck clothing, and pulled out a pocket watch. He flipped it open, checking the time. "You know Gohan, if we drink quickly and then fly at top speed to the Lookout for new clothes, we'll probably be late for school. Maybe we shouldn't go." Gohan sighed.
"Sorry Dende, but you're not getting out of this. School still doesn't start for about an hour. You're gonna sit right down and tell me all about why you don't like school, I really think I can help." Gohan said encouragingly. Dende sighed. They began walking to a nearby drink stand.
"So c'mon Dende, tell me already." Gohan prodded. Dende sighed again.
"Fine…" He began, walking slower then before. "I had a… bad experience on my first day in, uh… Namek kindergarten."
"Namek kindergarten? What's that?" Gohan exclaimed. Dende looked at Gohan, still walking.
"It's actually the only school, if you could call it that, on Namek. After we've spent some time in that the elders just give us work and home teach us. We, uh… learn how to share and how to fly. Anyway, the day started out horribly… we were allowed to go play with the blocks, and I got the first pick. But…" Dende sniffed a bit. "Then my brother Cargo came, and he wanted to play with the blocks. I offered to share, but… he beat me up and took the blocks anyway! He always beat me up at home! Do you know how embarrassing it is to get beat up by your little brother when he's not even a fighter Namek? Not to mention that we were peaceful, so I didn't know how to fight back. And then we had flying lessons…" Dende bit his lip. "And Cargo… Cargo…" Dende's face cramped up as his eyes purpled. "Cargo… he… WAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Dende burst into tears.
"Whoa Dende, calm down, it's okay!" Gohan said, trying to comfort his friend. Dende sniffed and rubbed his eyes.
"He pushed me off the cliff before I knew how to fly! He was so mean! And then while I was hanging from a rock by my clothes, he got all the other lil' Namek children to laugh at me!" Dende sobbed before continuing. "And then at lunch he dumped out my bottle of water and replaced it with… with…" Dende, still bawling, whispered something in Gohan's ears. Gohan's eyes bulged out as he looked at Dende, taken aback.
"YOU DRANK THAT?! THAT'S DISGUSTING!" He exclaimed. Dende sighed.
"Y…yeah… I thought the water was a different color that day!"
"Bleh! I can't even think about drinking… THAT. No wonder you don't want to go to school!"
"Yeah… I hate Cargo! He made my life a living hell! That's why I was so anxious to come live here!" Dende finished, sniffling a little. Gohan sighed. He really sucked at being a good reassurance. Piccolo hadn't really been ideal for those types of lessons, unless Dende's idea of consolement were getting thrown off a cliff, ki-blasted, and punched.
"Well gee… I'm sorry Dende, I can see why you hate school now… but Cargo is on Namek and from what I've seen you've done ten times the things he could…" Dende sniffled again and glanced at Gohan.
"R…really?" Dende asked. Gohan nodded.
"Yep. You just have to stand up to him someday." Gohan put a hand on Dende's shoulder. Dende turned and glanced up at Gohan, smirking slightly.
"Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't Freezer whip your butt when you stood up to him?" Dende asked pointedly. Gohan groaned.
"At least I wasn't… ahem… feeding the Namekian worms at the time." Gohan replied. Dende grinned.
"Be nice, if it wasn't for ME you would've blown up with that planet."
"This is true. Anyway, don't worry about school, okay? I'm sure everything's going to be fine." Dende nodded, rubbing his still red eyes.
"You know Gohan, you're right. Now where are those drinks?" Dende asked, grinning wider. Gohan rolled his eyes, sighed, and opened his wallet.
The figure smiled under his hood. He had collected six of the seven dragonballs, now he just had to find the last and his revenge would be complete. With his keen eyes he saw two figures flying toward him. One was a young man with black hair, the other was a Namek gleefully sucking down two bottles of water. He stopped and hovered in the air, watching them as they approached. The Namek was as tall as he was, slightly taller. The figure waved then soared past them. He wondered if they were going where he had been mere minutes ago. It didn't matter though, he had ensured that they would not know of his coming. The servant at his previous destination would not be able to communicate to them who he was. He had ensured that.
Dende and Gohan peered at the figure soaring past them. Dende glanced at Gohan.
"Friend of yours? He waved at us." Dende stated. Gohan shrugged.
"Never seen anyone like that, he probably knows my dad. C'mon, let's keep moving. If we're late for school Chi-chi'll kill us. Dende nodded in agreement, and the two continued their journey.
Dende was surprised as he and Gohan landed at the edge of the Lookout. Mr. Popo had indeed been busy, the lookout was almost fixed. Gohan glanced around warily. It seemed odd for some reason.
"Mr. Popo! I'm home! Don't kill me, I'm just here to get some clothes!" Dende shouted. There was no reply. Spying something on the ground, Gohan walked over and picked it up.
"Hey Dende, what's an empty beer bottle doing here?" Gohan shouted. Dende shrugged. He was about to reply when Mr. Popo staggered out of the palace, arms laden with bottles. His eyes were red and his mouth hung halfway open. He was drooling. At the site of Dende and Gohan, his face turned up into an odd grin.
"K…Kammiiii-Ssssaaaaammmmaaaa!" Popo slurred. "You back so soon? Bring Po… popo more gifts?" Gohan and Dende glanced at each other, wondering what to make of the strangely acting Mr. Popo. Gohan scratched his head as Dende trotted up to Popo.
"Popo, what the heck are you talking about? This is the first I've been here today, and I didn't bring you any…" Dende sniffed the air around Mr. Popo. He threw his hands up in the air, glancing upward in a "why me?" sort of way. Gohan raised an eyebrow.
"Dende, what's…"
"Darn it Popo! You said you'd quit your heavy drinking habits! Remember? We attended that hypnotism class together! You, Piccolo, and me! And it worked beautifully! You never touched a bottle again! Why now? Hmmm?" The obviously drunken Popo looked confused.
"B…but… sir! You said that you were proud of me and that these were gifts! You were here… five minutes ago! You said I could drink all of these!" Popo swayed, off balance, and pointed at a pile of empty liquor bottles. "You said it was a reward!" Dende rolled his eyes.
"Sure I did Popo, whatever. I can't believe you broke into the liquor cabinet, you know that's only for Piccolo and guests. Popo didn't reply because by now he had passed out at Dende and Gohan's feet. They groaned in unison. Gohan sighed.
"Great, now we have to wait for him to recover from his hangover! We can't just go to school and leave him here! We'll have to go in late!" Gohan exclaimed, cursing. Dende shook his head.
"Nah, it'll be all right, we'll get him out of this quick. I used to have to do it all the time. You go throw him in the room of Spirit and Time, close the door, and let him out five seconds later. I'll go get some clothes. He'll be recovered, and then it's off to school!" Gohan grinned and nodded, dragging Popo away. Dende turned left and went off to get some clothes.
Dende returned five minutes later dressed in his standard outfit. He also had a pile of clothes in his hands for Gohan to try on. At the same time Dende arrived, Mr. Popo and Gohan walked out. Mr. Popo seemed to be recovered. Dende handed the clothes to Gohan.
"There ya go Gohan, go put those on. They're not what you'd normally wear, but it's either that or your nice smelly clothes." Gohan nodded and went into the room Dende had changed in. Dende glared at Popo, who was daydreaming. He sighed.
"Mr. Popo, I'm ashamed of you! You were doing so well! Why'd you start drinking again!" He shrieked. Mr. Popo sighed, and began sweating.
"I…I don't know sir! But I swear, you gave those drinks to me!"
"Popo, when I got here you were already drunk. I'll take a look around, and you go check the liquor cabinet. If I didn't give those drinks to you, then the contents of the cabinet should be empty." Popo nodded and skipped away, glad to avoid further questioning. Dende trotted over and examined a bottle.
"What the… this is Namek vintage wine! I know this isn't in the liquor cabinet or in my secret stash, or I'd have had some.
"DENDE!" Gohan's voice echoed from behind the dressing room's closed door. Dende picked up the bottle, sighed, and walked near the door.
"Yeah, what is it Gohan!" Dende yelled. Gohan's voice meekly rang from the door.
"Uhh… how do I put this on, anyway? I don't usually wear your clothes." Dende rolled his eyes.
"Figure it out Gohan, I have to talk with Popo some more!" Dende replied. Presently, Mr. Popo returned.
"Well sir, the cabinet is still locked, and everything seems accounted for." Dende nodded.
"I see. I found some booze we don't even have, or else I'd have… er, you'd have drunk it long ago! It's from Namek!" Dende held the bottle up to Mr. Popo. Popo shrugged. Dende nodded to Popo.
"Well, Gohan and I have to get to school, so we can figure out this mystery later. I'll be working on my dragon at Son Goku's house if you need me for anything." Mr. Popo smiled.
"Dragon?" He asked, peering at Dende with a glint of joy in his eyes.
"Yeah, it's really great! I'm making another set of Dragonballs! The only problem is that I'm not much of a sculptor, so the dragon really doesn't look like I want it to yet." Dende said, glad to find someone else who respected his handiwork. Popo continued grinning.
"I can make the dragon sir, I'm very good at that sort of thing!" He exclaimed. Dende thought about that a moment, and nodded. He pulled out the pencil sketch he had made before.
"Thanks Mr. Popo, that'll be a great help! It should look like this." Dende handed Mr. Popo the sketch, who took it and nodded.
"Okay sir! Thanks for giving me something to do!" Dende nodded and cocked his head at the dressing room's door..
"I have to go to school now, so drop it off at Son's house when you're done, okay?" Popo nodded as Gohan walked out. He was neatly attired in some of Dende's bigger clothes, the clothes Piccolo had made for him when he finally grew that extra foot or three. Gohan smiled.
"These are great Dende! I see what you mean about looseness!" Dende eyed Gohan up and down.
"Uh… Gohan, those are on backwards. But there's no time to change that, you look okay! Let's get to school, we're almost late!" Dende yelled. Gohan's eyes bulged out.
"Ah! Let's go! Mom'll kill me if we're late!" Before Dende could react Gohan grabbed Dende around the waist and tore off at his top speed, much faster then any speed Dende was able to attain.
"HOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYYYYY CRRRRRRAAAAPPPP-…" Dende's voice trailed off into the distance as Popo watched them turn into a distant dot and disappear. He hung his head, disappointed that he had broken down and gotten himself drunk after making so much progress. He then brightened, remembering something. He pulled off his turban, revealing a bottle of whiskey. Pulling out a shot-glass, he poured himself a drink before he went to work on the dragon.
Gohan was grinning, watching Dende remain absolutely still, seemingly staring at Orange Star High School in wonder.
"See Dende, this place doesn't look so bad, does it?" Gohan said, still smiling.
"G…Gohan… I can barely…m…move! I…t…t…think your speed…dis…dis…dislocated every bone in my body!" Dende sputtered between clenched teeth.
"Oh, don't worry, father taught me how to fix that!" Without warning Gohan grabbed Dende and twisted him in different positions. The cricking and cracking Dende's eyes watered and his teeth clenched so hard it looked as if his fangs would break off. Finally Gohan stopped and put Dende down, who collapsed and panted. Gohan dusted his hands off. "There, feel better Dende?" Gohan smiled. Dende moaned and sat up.
"Gohan, why don't you just leave the healing arts to me, okay?" Dende said, swinging his arms around in a windmill motion to get their feeling back. Gohan shrugged and nodded. He beckoned towards the school. Dende groaned as he rose to his feet, and followed Gohan into the school.
In the front of the first class, a young well-muscled T-shirt clad man was standing in front of the classroom. Dende and Gohan were sitting next to each other, as they had planned.
"OK CLASS!" The teacher boomed, "TODAY WE'RE GONNA LEARN ABOUT EVERYONE'S FAVORITE SUBJECT, REPRODUCTION!" Dende's antennae and ears perked up.
"All right!" Dende thought, "I'm finally going to learn where humans lay their eggs!" The rather detailed lesson began…
Forty minutes later, class was dismissed. Gohan walked out, then turned around to see Dende emerge from the classroom, his eyes wide open, sweat running down his forehead, and a shocked expression frozen on his face. He was hyperventilating, as if in a trance.
"Hey Dende, what's wrong?" Gohan asked. Dende turned and gazed up at Gohan, still breathing heavily and sweating. Gohan had never seen Dende so rattled.
"Y…you people are sick Gohan! Sick sick sick sick sick sick!" Dende exclaimed, then returned to his state before he had spoken. Gohan scratched his head and cleared his throat.
"I take it you're referring to your lesson about the… er… birds and bees?"
"AHHH! MENTAL PICTURE FORMING! GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT!" Dende exclaimed. Gohan rolled his eyes as the two continued down the hallway.
Gohan swung open the door and entered the Son household. Dende followed, noting that Gohan looked very nervous. He eased the door shut as soundlessly as possible, but Chi-chi confronted them as they entered the kitchen. She greeted them with a smile.
"Gohan! How did you do in school today!" She exclaimed brightly. Dende noticed Gohan looking at the ground.
"I…I got an F on my finals, mom. I won't be going to college." He said sadly. Dende looked up and noticed Chi-chi's mouth hanging wide open. Then her teeth slowly ground together as she glared at Gohan. She rolled up her sleeves.
"That's it! It's time for a bit of corporal punishment!" She yelled, rearing up and, to Dende's surprise, knocking Gohan out with one punch. She turned to glance at Dende with an eerie grin.
"Well well, I don't want you healing my son, and he didn't get any F's before, so…" Dende backed into the corner, beginning to sweat as he noticed the look in Chi-chi's eyes. Chi-chi advanced, brandishing a butcher's knife behind her back. Five minutes later, Goku walked in just as Chi-chi was putting a covered platter in the oven. A green finger hung just slightly out from under the cover.
"Hey Chi-chi! What's up! And why is this purple stained robe lying on the counter?" Chi-chi threw the platter into the oven and slammed it shut, turning to look at Goku in surprise.
"Uh, I just spilled some grape juice on a rag! Yeah!" Chi-chi smiled. Goku scratched his head.
"Okay. Gee, something smells good, what are you making for dinner? And where's Dende?" Chi-chi gulped.
"UHHH… He went back to the lookout! And this? This is a dish I read about in a special cookbook, um… uh… Namek Loaf!" Goku licked his lips.
"Sounds good! Call me when it's done!"
Gohan glanced at Dende, trying to be inconspicuous. Sitting in the desk next to him, Dende was slumped over, snoring softly. Gohan noticed he was sweating quite a bit, as if having a nightmare. Gohan considered waking Dende up. The history teacher, lecturing on in the front of the class hadn't noticed yet, but if he did…
"No…don't…cook…" Dende mumbled. Gohan scratched his head. He leaned over.
"Dende? Are you awa-?" Gohan began but was cut off as Dende jolted upright, awake, screaming,
"NO GOKU! DON'T EAT MEEEEEE!" The teacher stopped in his lecture as he and the rest of the class turned around and stared at Dende. Dende blinked. Gohan had his head in his arms, trying vainly not to laugh. Dende grinned sheepishly. "Uh… is what Mr. Satan said to Cell right before he defeated him, thereby saving the world. Is that the um… heh heh, er… answer?" Fortunately, moments before the entire class busted into laughter, the dismissal bell rang, and the students tore out of the room at top speed. Dende used his short size to blend in with the crowd and slipped out of the classroom. He looked around for Gohan, then stopped as his ears perked up at the sound of Gohan's voice. Dende leaned around the corner and peered at Gohan hastily talking to the history teacher.
"I'm sorry sir, he's just a foreign exchange student living with me, he'll only be here for a day…"
"Are you sure? He seems a bit… weird." Dende's eyes widened. He rolled up his sleeves and stormed back into the room, much to Gohan and the history teacher's surprise. Dende launched into a verbal tirade, screaming and raising his arms.
"WEIRD? WEIRD?! I HAPPEN TO BE GOD OF THIS PLANET, BUSTER! AND I'M NORMAL! YOU DON'T SEE ME REPRODUCING IN SUCH SICKENING-…" Dende stopped his tirade, realization slowly dawning on what he was saying. A new mental picture formed in his mind, courtesy of his previous health class. For not the first time that day, Dende felt very nauseated. Gohan slapped himself on the forehead, and the teacher looked flustered.
"What's he saying? What's that about being god?" The teacher said. Gohan gulped, and Dende began chattering away in Namekian. Gohan took the ball and ran with it.
"Uh, sorry sir, he's having a little trouble grasping the language so he's telling me what he meant, I know his language… I think what he means to say is that you're so smart, you could be god! Yeah!" Gohan said. To add emphasis, Dende clapped his hands together, grinned the way A not very bright child, or Son Goku would, and nodded to Gohan, even as he mumbled something slightly vulgar under his breath.
"And what was that about the back seat of a Chevy?" The teacher asked as Gohan dragged Dende out the door. Gohan leaned his head back in.
"He said that he's going to vote for you, in his country the teacher that impresses a foreign exchange student the most gets a free Chevrolet Truck!" The classroom door slammed shut.
Dende followed Gohan as he led the way to the next class. Dende and Gohan both leaned against a locker and wiped the sweat off their foreheads. Dende twiddled his fingers and grinned.
Thanks for getting me out of that Gohan, I keep forgetting that the "big picture" isn't really known by most of the people on Earth…" Gohan nodded, smiling.
"Yeah, who knows how the world would react if they knew a green skinned pointy eared midget was god?" Dende stopped and glanced at him.
"Hey, be nice, I'll let that one slide because you got me out of there." Gohan grinned.
"Sorry Dende, it's hard to resist, but I'm sure you can come up with a bunch of monkey jokes to use on me!" Gohan said brightly. Dende scowled. "Huh? What'd I say?" Dende groaned, remembering something unpleasant.
"Well, once I accidentally told Kaio-Sama (King Kai) that his jokes were really funny in an attempt to be polite, I mean he does outrank me in the big scheme of things, right?" Gohan turned and cocked his gaze on Dende.
"So your point is…"
"He kept me up the whole night telling me jokes telepathically. I finally told him that Piccolo needed to send a message to Namek just so he would shut up." Gohan nodded.
"Yeah, he did that to father once. I wonder if we should just band together and tell him his jokes are really, really bad." Dende shook his head.
"Nah, I'm sure the time will come when we can use him against our enemies. I bet Freezer would've cracked in five hours if we just got Kaio to start rattling his jokes off one by one. Hey, that's not a bad idea… maybe next time some super villain comes, I can save the Earth!" Gohan shrugged.
"I doubt it, but you're welcome to try. I hate fighting." Dende nodded.
"By the way Gohan, what's chemistry? You told me that it's our next class." Dende said suddenly. Gohan nodded.
"Oh yeah, we're having a lab today. Don't worry and I'll take care of everything, and we'll get an A. We just have to make a chemical reaction or something like that. Remember not to touch anything." Gohan warned. Dende nodded, even while thinking
"Me? Not touch anything? He doesn't know me very well, does he…"
C vs. D
"I can't think of anything funny to say. Dangit."
Chapter 4: Never touch the purple and pink bottle
By Cremrock
The teacher stared at the two of them as they entered the classroom. A green skinned antennae-headed person wasn't the most common of sights, and they were both wearing the same odd white robe and purple/maroon vest.
"Gee, you two have some weird clothing on today, don't you know we have a lab?" The teacher took no notice as Dende glared at the mention of the clothing.
"These clothes aren't weird, they're just different!" Dende muttered under his breath while looking down. Gohan grinned.
"Uh, these are special lab coats sir, not weird clothes. You see last year at his old school my friend," Gohan paused, pointing at Dende, who rolled his eyes. "Had an accident with some green chemicals, and well… his family doesn't want him in any more accidents, so they paid for the clothes…" The teacher nodded.
"What about the antennae? Are those part of the accident?" This teacher was far more observant then the other teachers had been. Gohan's eyes widened as he stiffened, but Dende came to the rescue with a well thought out reply, he had been waiting for someone to point that out. He shrugged.
"You see sir, I'm a child actor. They're making a movie about the crisis when that Demon Piccolo came around a few decades ago. I'm playing him when he was a kid, even though they just made up his childhood. The shoot's right after this class, so that's why I look like I do." The teacher nodded, deciding that the answer was the best he'd get.
"Alright then, take your seats you two, class is about to begin. You'll have thirty minutes to make a chemical reaction, ok?" They nodded, turned and walked to the empty table, which had several beakers, test tubes, and bottles of chemicals. Gohan sat down and immediately began mixing chemicals, while Dende watched with interest. Finally, after thirty minutes or so, Dende wanted to participate. He picked up a neglected bottle of purple and pink liquid.
"Hey Gohan, what's this do?" Dende raised his bottle into Gohan's line of sight. Gohan shrugged.
"I don't know Dende, but don't touch it, I've almost got this chemical reaction done!"
"But Gohan… where's your sense of adventure? You're the one who's fought every evil we've ever faced…"
"Dende, I'm telling you, don't do it, we don't know what'll happen!" Unfortunately, Dende wasn't ready to take no for an answer, and even as Gohan was saying these words he was pouring a few quick drops into Gohan's test tube. The mixture bubbled up even as Gohan shouted, "NO!"
With an audible poof, a spout of purple gas suddenly erupted from the tube. Dende managed to leap off to the side, but Gohan inhaled the gas cloud, shook a bit, and fell to the ground, unconscious. Dende gasped.
"Wahhh! Gohan!" He screamed, dashing to his side. By now the class had crowded around the section Dende and Gohan were in. The teacher barreled into the crowd. "Stand back, give him some breathing room!" Dende screamed, commandingly. Gohan's eyes fluttered open momentarily. Dende stood over him.
"Hey Gohan, how many fingers am I holding up?" Dende said, holding open his hand.
"F…four, plus the thumb." Gohan replied dreamily. Dende nodded.
"Okay, what's your name?"
"S…Son Gohan…" Dende smiled.
"Good, you haven't lost your memory. Now, who am I?" Dende said, leaning down. Gohan blinked dreamily again. That was an easy question…
Dende's eyes bulged out as Gohan stood up, crushing the Namek in a colossal bear hug, as Gohan screamed at the top of his lungs in a high pitch, " MR. PICCOLO!!!!" Dende gasped, trying very hard to breathe.
"Urk… I… Gasp… Can't breathe…" Dende's face shaded down in it's green hue, getting paler and paler. Gohan finally let go and grabbed Dende's hands while Dende was still struggling to breathe, light headed. "HEY PICCOLO! DANCE WITH ME! I'VE MADE A NEW SONG!" Gohan screamed, swinging Dende around and beginning the lyrics of Piccolo-San Daisuki (I like Mr. Piccolo, See The World's Strongest if you readers don't know this one…) Dende screamed as Gohan swung him off the ground and around and around multiple times. Gohan was swinging him around so fast, if he let go he'd go flying.
"HEEEEEELLLLPPPPP MEEEEEEE!" Dende wailed, hanging on for dear life. At this very moment, the lunch bell rang, and the class, eager to eat and socialize, ignored Dende and charged out the door. The chemistry teacher threw off his glasses, rolled up his sleeves, and barreled forward heroically, but Dende's legs slammed into the teacher's face with a loud crack and the teacher flew back, unconscious. Dende screamed again and again as Gohan's song continued, still flying around and around. Still gathering a few thoughts, Dende desperately sent a telepathic message to his friends.
Son Goku stood up from the park bench, where he had been relaxing since his turn on Who wants to weigh a million pounds wasn't for a few hours. His eyes narrowed in determination. He clenched a fist.
"Dende's in trouble! I'd better go rescue…" Goku stopped as he noticed an airplane carrying a banner. He read it, hypnotized. "New, Joe's Chicken Restaurant… grand opening… FREE SAMPLES?!" Forgetting his previous thoughts, Goku flew off at top speed for the new chicken restaurant.
At the Capsule Corporation, Vegeta awoke from his afternoon nap as Dende's message hammered in his head. He was not happy.
"Blast! That little god is in trouble! If I don't go save him I won't get any sleep at all!" Taking two steps off the balcony, Vegeta catapulted into the air, flying at top speed for Orange Star High school.
A short distance away from the school, Kulilin was out shopping for a gift for No. 18. He heard Dende's telepathic call and nodded.
"Don't worry Dende, I'm coming to save you!" Kulilin said, blasting away into the distance.
As Vegeta neared the High School, he heard a voice echoing in his ears. He stopped for a moment.
"Eh? What's that sound?" He narrowed his eyes as he heard the voice again, listening intently. "Hey, that's odd, I sense a large ki flying towards me and it's coming with a speed so fast it must be really hard to sto-" With a loud clunk, Kulilin collided with Vegeta in mid-air. They both fell to the ground, unconscious.
Somewhere at Orange Star elementary, Goten and Trunks looked up from their first grade recess as Dende's voice passed over them. The inseparable pair looked at each other.
"Hey Trunks! Dende's in trouble!" Goten said, standing up slowly. Trunks nodded.
"You're right Goten! But it's almost time to take our Ritalin! (No offense to the people that require this medicine, but Goten and Trunks are awfully hyperactive children…) We'd better fuse and go save him!" They both assumed the fusion pose and began the dance, but at the last moment Trunks tripped over a stray kickball just as they got to the "HA" part. A brilliant flash of light appeared for a moment. A second later, Fat Gotenks stood where the two of them had previously been.
"Oh crap! Not again! How am I going to get there fast enough to save him now!" He said in his combination of Trunks and Goten's voices. A light bulb went off in Gotenks' head. He glanced down at his rotund belly. Powering up to Super Saiya-jin, he staggered up a hill, fell down and started rolling to Orange Star High school.
Piccolo was out in front of city hall, still waving his arm around, now with the support of several teenagers. He sighed as Dende's voice reached him.
"Bah, I can't help him out, I'm too busy!" He thought. Inconspicuously, his left hand balled into a fist, and he punched himself in the side of the head. "Hey Nail, quit it!" He said aloud. Nail's voice pounded in his head.
"No way Piccolo! I happen to be fond of that little guy, and I don't want him getting hurt. Besides, we have that class at the school we have to teach this afternoon, remember?" Piccolo started arguing with Nail, not noticing a low rumbling sound steadily getting louder.
"Shut up Nail! I'll go to school when it's time! Dende doesn't need my help!"
"Make me! I don't even know why you should help, you were such a brilliant bodyguard the first time Dende was in trouble…"
"Uh guys…" The voice of Kami butted in.
"SHUT UP OLD MAN!" They both screamed together.
"But guys, that rumbling is getting…"
"I SAID SHUT UP!" Piccolo screamed. A shadow passed over Piccolo.
"HEY LOOK OUT!" Gotenks voice resounded, snapping Piccolo out of his mental argument. Piccolo turned just as Gotenks was about to roll over him. Although the three personalities of Piccolo were at odds at times, they all spoke simultaneously.
"OH SH-!" Piccolo was cut off as Gotenks rolled over him, knocking him unconscious. Gotenks rolled a few more feet, then got wedged next to a fire hydrant and stopped. He flailed his stubby legs and arms, but was unable to touch the ground.
"Help! I've fallen and I can't get up!" Gotenks wailed.
The world continued to be a blur as Dende hurtled through the air, screaming. Gohan still had the dreamy look on his face, and still was swinging Dende around and around. Dende was beginning to think he was going to keep swinging around and around until he fell apart, or until Gohan finally let go and he'd break his neck off of one of the many cabinets around the room.
"AREN'T YOU HAVING FUN MR. PICCOLO!" Gohan yelled, the same stupid grin on his face. Dende's life started flashing before his eyes. That was when he felt his grip slipping even more.
At this very moment outside, Tenshinhan, Chaotzu, Yamucha, and Bulma were charging into the school. They had all heard Dende's cry for help, and had all met before flying (well, Yamucha carried Bulma.) to the school. The office secretary's eyes lit up as she stared at the combination of a three eyed shirtless man, a person that looked like a china doll, the owner of the Capsule Corporation, and a guy who's face was so scarred, he looked like a mobster.
Tenshinhan pounded a fist on the office counter.
"Quick! We need to know what class Son Gohan and Dende… Dende…" Tenshinhan glanced back at Yamucha, Chaotzu, and Bulma, training an eye on each of them. They had all been waiting patiently behind him. "Hey guys, anyone know what Dende's last name is?" Tenshinhan asked quickly. The three of them shrugged. The secretary looked flustered.
"Um, I'm sorry, I don't think I can help you until you put a shirt on… and I'm not sure if I can give you that information… let me get the principal, he'll be right out." The secretary dashed away, leaving Tenshinhan and the gang alone with their thoughts. Tenshinhan cursed and glanced around, looking for something to put on. Chaotzu took his hat off and scratched his head. He glanced at Tenshinhan and Yamucha.
"Hey guys, ever give any thought about getting married? Heck, everyone else we know has done it." Yamucha shrugged. Tenshinhan stared.
"Well gee Chaotzu, I never really thought about it, is it because I'm not wearing a shirt? It doesn't seem like that good of an idea, but we do spend a lot of…" Chaotzu cut him off, scowling.
"I meant to other women, lunkhead! Has that third eye been shorting out your brain again? Honestly, just because everyone claims that we have a relationship doesn't make it true!" Chaotzu shrieked. Tenshinhan nodded. Yamucha glanced at Bulma and sighed.
"Well, I know someone that I thought about getting married to, but she dumped me for some spiky haired freak. I wonder who that could be?" Yamucha piped in. Tenshinhan and Chaotzu stared as Bulma turned away from the three of them, scowling. Chaotzu took on a serious expression.
"Yamucha, you were going to get married to Chi-chi?" Chaotzu asked. Yamucha slapped himself on the forehead.
"You know Chaotzu, all those years living away from civilization must really be grating on your intelligence. I meant Vegeta, dummy!" Chaotzu's eyes widened in shock as he glanced at Bulma.
"Bulma! You married Vegeta, that Saiya-jin?" Bulma glanced up at the ceiling, and nodded, even while Tenshinhan and Yamucha fell over.
"Chaotzu, where the heck have you been, anyway? We're not only married, we have an eight year old son, Trunks! Don't you remember?" Bulma said, exasperated. Chaotzu glared at Tenshinhan, who by now was trying vainly to see one of those magic eye poster puzzles. Chaotzu threw up his hands.
"Well gee, I didn't know, Mr. Don't-go-with-me-you're-too-weak never tells me anything! Never mind the fact that he just sat on his butt and got the crap beaten out of him by Cell and Buu. Then he left me sitting there wondering what the hell was going on when suddenly FWOOM, the planet exploded." Tenshinhan was about to reply when the secretary returned, leading a gray-haired suit attired man to the counter. The principal stared at the four of them, not quite sure what to make of them. The richest person in the world and a three-eyed man weren't exactly a common sight. He cleared his throat.
"Ahem… well now, what business do the four of you have with the school?" Tenshinhan was about to repeat his previous demand, but Yamucha stepped forward.
"Yeah sir, we need to know which classroom Son Gohan and Dende… well we don't know his last name… anyway which classroom are they in, it's an emergency!" The principal nodded.
"I see… are you their registered guardians?" Yamucha looked pained. The principal frowned. "I repeat… are you the registered guardians of Son Gohan and Dende Melville?" Chaotzu's eyes went wide for a moment. Yamucha eyed the principal.
"Dende's last name is Melville?" The principal nodded.
"Yes sir, anyway, are you their adopted guardians?" Yamucha thought vainly, trying to think of an excuse, when Bulma produced two documents and stepped forward. She smiled at the principal. The principal seemed to be off guard.
"We sure are sir, see for yourself." Bulma said sweetly. The principal glanced at the documents. He gasped in surprise as he realized they were the real deal, then regained his composure.
"All right, they're in room B-107. Come back once you've dealt with your emergency so we can verify you were here and haven't harmed them." The gang nodded, and dashed outside the office. In the hall, Chaotzu started laughing.
"Who'd have thought Dende's last name was Melville, anyway?" He asked. At this the group fell over laughing hysterically. Tenshinhan regained his senses first and glanced at Bulma.
"Hey Bulma, how'd you get those documents anyway, hmmm?" Bulma grinned.
"You don't think the capsule corporation became the biggest company in the world through shrewd marketing campaigns, do you? We've got organized crime connections, like any big time company today." Bulma glanced up at the ceiling, smiling. "Ah Mafia hitmen, how many times have you saved my…" Yamucha interrupted.
"Hurry guys, we have to go save Dende! Then we have to run back here so I can get that secretary's phone number!" Chaotzu and the rest nodded. Tearing off at a run, the four followed the signs on the wall that led to the B-section of the school. They skidded to a stop at an intersecting hallway. Tenshinhan, the leader, glanced around frantically.
Bulma pointed at a door in the distance. Shouting, "There! That's room B-107!" The group dashed towards the door.
By now, Dende couldn't see anything but a big blur. He was still swinging around and around, and it was bringing back unfond memories of the time Gohan had taken him to the amusement park following the defeat of Cell. Actually he didn't remember much of it, except for the part where his long clothing had gotten stuck in the Tilt-a-whirl and the unobservant operator had inadvertently flipped the switch, giving Dende a "bonus ride". Unfortunately, this was ten times worse. Dende found his blurred vision coalescing into a picture of him newly hatched, being held in some Namek or other's arms. It then cut to a view of his many two year old adventures, walking into cactuses, sitting down on pointy objects, and howling with glee while watching Nail get clawed up and mauled while fending off the pack of ravenous Namekian wolves that Dende had stupidly stumbled into, wanting to pet the "doggies." (Yeah I know it's not great, but they did have frogs, who's to say there aren't any animals like this on Namek?)
Oh great. Dende thought. I'm having flashbacks of my childhood, and that usually only happens when you're about to…
"HEY MR. PICCOLO! WANNA GO FASTER?" Gohan shouted, interrupting Dende from his thoughts.
"NO!" Dende shouted desperately.
"YES? OK, YOU GOT IT!" Gohan powered up to Super Saiya-jin and started twirling around Dende even more. Dende began to feel Gohan's grip on him slipping slowly.
I didn't even get to finish my dragonballs! Oh yeah, I guess I didn't get to deal with that brother thing either. Dende thought again. He inhaled, preparing to scream for help one last time.
"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPP!" Dende's voice resounded from the other side of the locked classroom door. Tenshinhan, Yamucha, and Chaotzu were all standing around Bulma, who was attempting to jimmy the door open with one of her gold plated credit cards. Tenshinhan cupped his hands around his mouth.
"WE'RE COMING DENDE! HANG ON!" He shouted back. Yamucha had now joined in with Bulma, and the two were now arguing over the best way to get the door open. Bulma raised her chin defiantly.
"Yamucha, quit it. I'm telling you, I can get the door unlocked the fastest, I am the smartest person in the world!" She said matter of factly. While Yamucha and Bulma continued their argument, Tenshinhan stepped forward and grasped the door knob. He glanced back at Bulma and Yamucha wryly.
"Hey Bulma… I think I found something wrong with your you're the smartest person in the world routine." Bulma glared at him.
"Yeah right three eyes, what could you know about this door that I don't?" She said, angred.
"Well, for one thing, this door was never locked." Tenshinhan grinned. He twisted the doorknob as the door swung open. Bulma groaned as Tenshinhan and Chaotzu chuckled, stepping through the door.
Gohan slowed down, noticing the four of them as they entered. Dende still hung from Gohan's grip, but now he could see and had some of his wits back. Gohan grinned.
"Dad! Kulilin! Mom! Dende! You all came to play with Mr. Piccolo and me too?" Dende hung from Gohan's grip, his feet a few inches off the ground. Taking advantage of Gohan's distraction, he started swinging left and right, trying to free himself. Tenshinhan stepped forward.
"Gohan, let Dende go!" He said seriously. Gohan glanced down at Dende.
"What are you talking about? Dende's standing right beside you! I'm holding Mr. Piccolo! I'm gonna throw him at top speed now, he wants to play catch!"
"NO I DON'T!" Dende shrieked. Yamucha stepped forward as well, standing besides Tenshinhan.
"Gohan, don't throw Mr. Piccolo! He's uh… getting sick and… oh the hell with it!" Yamucha dashed forward and prepared to do the only attack he knew that could be remotely capable of hurting Gohan, who was in a much higher league then the rest of them. He leaned back, preparing to perform it for the first time in his life.
"Wild Wolf… Groin Kick attack!" Tenshinhan glanced up at the incredibly bright fluorescent school lights. He pulled Yamucha back before he could dash forward and finish the attack.
"Let me handle this, Yamucha. Taiyoken!" Tenshinhan fanned his hands in front of his face, and a bright light radiated from him, blinding Gohan and Dende. Gohan crumpled to the ground, while Dende stood up and rubbed his eyes, trying to get his vision back. Despite his extreme joy at being alive, he was incredibly cranky after being swung around and around, blinded, and dropped. He started yelling profanities. Bulma leaned over Gohan, ignoring Dende's swearing. She looked back at the four of them.
"Hey Tenshinhan, I don't know why your attack did that, but you just knocked him out! I don't see how, oh wait a second… Dende, what did this to Gohan?" Dende blinked once or twice more, able to see again, and glanced at Bulma.
"It was some purple and pink stuff, I think. I uh… accidentally poured it in Gohan's chemical mixture. There was some kind of explosion, and he got a full whiff of the gas that came out. By the way, thanks for saving me."
"Hey Bulma, is this it?" Chaotzu pointed at a purple and pink bottle he was holding, which he had just picked up off the floor. He tossed it to Bulma, who caught it and turned it around, reading the label.
"Let's see… Aha! Just as I thought! This stuff makes crazy things happen to people, and the only real way to cure it, other than waiting, is to expose the sufferer to a really intense, bright light! Good work Tenshinhan!" Yamucha sighed.
"Dang, and I really wanted to use my new attack… can I do it on you, Tenshinhan?" Tenshinhan looked startled, and stepped back.
"No way! I heard what the name of that attack was!" Tenshinhan replied. Bulma ignored them, smiling at Dende.
"Well Dende, Gohan'll probably wake up in a few minutes, we should probably go before he wakes up, it'll just complicate things. Dende nodded.
"Thanks again, guys. I guess this day can't get any worse… I'll treat you all to a drink next time you visit the Lookout, okay?" Tenshinhan and co. laughed, nodded, and left. Yamucha, last in the line walking out, turned around and glanced at Dende.
"Hey Dende, before we go, can I ask two quick questions?" Yamucha said. Dende nodded and smiled.
"Sure, ask away, what's up?"
"Is your last name really Melville?" Dende stiffened as he heard the name, his smile rapidly disappearing. He glared at Yamucha.
"What the… WHO TOLD YOU THAT?!" Dende demanded. Yamucha shrugged.
"The principal said it was your last name, I just thought it was curious!" Dende groaned.
"My last name isn't really Melville, I don't have a last name. I just needed one to put on tax returns and stuff like that! OK? Please don't call me that, I really hate that name." Yamucha nodded.
"Okay, and do you think you can do me a favor and spy on this schools secretary using your god powers and tell me if she likes me?" Dende's eyes rolled at the odd request. Fortunately Yamucha didn't seem to notice.
"Uh, sure, whatever you want." Dende said, sighing.
"Thanks a lot…Melville!" Yamucha said as he dashed after Tenshinhan and the gang, even as Dende screamed a Namek swear word out the door, realizing what Yamucha had called him.
A few minutes later, Gohan had awakened, and Dende filled him in on the whole Mr. Piccolo fiasco. Not surprisingly, Gohan's only recollection of it was that he did recall dreaming about something. Dende sighed, told him that it wasn't important anymore, and the two walked out of the room en route to lunch. Somewhere amid the wreckage of the room, the chemistry teacher moaned.
"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! You... you...
Chapter 5:
It was now lunchtime, or rather, ten minutes after lunch had already begun. Gohan stared at Dende over the huge pile of food on his tray. Dende glanced down the counter, talking to himself.
"Let's see… milk…apple juice… lemonade… orange juice… water… well, I've got one of every beverage on the menu! Guess I'm set!" Gohan glanced at Dende.
"Is that all you're getting?" He asked, snatching up three more rolls and adding them to his tower of food. Dende grinned.
"Yep! I don't normally eat but I've worked up one heck of a thirst, and these various juices and things looked good." Unfortunately, Dende was not to get off as easily as he thought. He marched up to the cash register and put his tray on the side. The cafeteria lady squinted at Dende's choices, and then glared back down at him. Dende gulped.
"Now kid, I need to have a talk with you. First off, you're not fat. Eating the right things will keep you at your nice slim self. At your age the last thing a growing body needs is a lack of food… a healthy diet should consist of some vegetables, meat, fruits, lots of grains… " The cafeteria lady continued talking as Dende motioned Gohan over. He bent down to Dende's eye level.
"Psst! Gohan, what the heck is this lady carrying on about?" Dende whispered. The lady didn't notice, as her eyes were closed, as she recited a speech she had reserved for this day. Gohan caught drift of some of the things the lady was saying, and whispered back to Dende.
"I think she thinks that you think that you're fat and have an eating disorder, and that's why you're not ordering any food." Dende sighed, and glanced up at the lady, who was waiting expectantly. He nodded.
"Fine ma'am… I'll uh… take two of those. What are they?" Dende pointed at a section of the counter that contained several biscuits. The cashier rolled her eyes.
"Those are rolls kid, you can't get away with just those, you need more sustenance to grow and thrive!" The cashier replied angrily. Dende sighed again. He pointed where a few errant cups of jello were.
"I'll take three of those too. How's that?" Dende asked, still confused. Eating was a complicated task for the young Namek. The cafeteria lady began to turn red. She was obviously quite angry.
"You can't have a good diet consisting of rolls and jell-o!" She screamed. Dende took a step backwards, surprised. He decided to take a stand.
"Look, I don't see what's so hard about this!" He exclaimed, throwing his hands up in the air. While the cafeteria lady retorted and the two began arguing, Gohan stepped in carrying a salisbury steak, a chef salad, and some macaroni and cheese. While they continued their fight he snuck in and put the food on Dende's tray. The lady prepared to counter again when she glanced down at Dende's tray and smiled.
"Good choice kid, two rolls, jell-o, good drinks, vegetables, and a main course! You're well on your way to becoming a healthy individual again!" Dende froze, obviously not expecting this response. He glanced down as his eyes widened.
"What the…"
"That'll be five zeni, kid!" The lady replied cheerfully. Not wanting to get stuck in another argument, Dende paid the woman and walked forward a few steps, waiting for the cafeteria lady to ring up all of Gohan's food. Dende glanced down at his tray, scowling.
"I don't even know what this is…" He muttered. Behind him, Gohan grinned, and paid the cafeteria lady fifty zeni. His grin complementing Dende's frown, he led his friend to a pair of vacant seats.
Having finished his meal and wishing he had more, Gohan chuckled as Dende continued to entertain him. Funny thing was, Dende wasn't trying to be funny, and hadn't taken any notice of Gohan's laughter. Gohan continued watching as Dende dug into a roll with a spork and hesitantly tore a piece off. Gohan decided to help his friend out.
"Uh, Dende? You commonly just shove the roll in your mouth and chew… use that spork on your steak!" Gohan pointed at the steak so Dende could tell his food apart. Dende glanced up from his chore and glared.
"This isn't very easy Gohan! Why must this be so complicated? I don't even want to eat!" Gohan scratched his head.
"Why don't you want to eat Dende, surely you can manage to choke this stuff down, it's the first time in the last year, right? Besides, you might like it." Dende looked pained as his eyes softened.
"And you might grow a little too." He thought, chuckling lightly in his mind.
Dende glanced at Gohan, unconvinced, but took a small bite out of his steak. Suddenly his eyes bulged. Gohan gulped.
"HOLY COW!"
"Dende? What's wrong?"
"This is really good! Who'd have thought we Nameks hadn't discovered this! Eating's great!" With that, he savagely attacked his roll, gobbling it down with one gulp.
"I told you so, Dende!" Dende scarcely acknowledged him and began to attack his steak. Suddenly he stopped and stared at Gohan.
"What's this steak made of?" He asked.
"Ummm…. Cow…" Gohan replied. Dende blinked and began to cry softly. Gohan recalled the huge respect Nameks had for plants and animals and all living things. He felt sorry for his friend. "Awww… Dende… ummm… it's already dead… you didn't kill it." Dende looked up and wiped his eyes.
"I don't know… it's just the principal of eating something that was killed… and… and…" He glanced down at the steak and unconsciously licked his lips. "And… But… it's…" Gohan observed as Dende's hand began to shake and slowly edge towards the steak, as he began to glance down at it again. "And… And… ah, the hell with it, I'll wish the cow back to life later." He finished, savagely stuffing the steak into his mouth. A few moments later, he was finished. "You're sure there aren't any unfortunate side effects to eating?" He asked. Gohan shook his head.
"Nothing really Dende, I just wish you had asked me, I could have helped. Take a look at this!" Gohan reached into his backpack and pulled out a small box, handing it to Dende. Dende traced a finger over the huge neon letters. He glanced up at Gohan, bewilderment on his face.
"Saiya-jin survival kit? What the heck is this?" He asked, curious. Gohan grinned, then his face became a mask of pain as he groaned.
"Oh, it's a good thing I brought that today, hand it back okay? I need to use it." Dende scratched his head and handed the kit back to Gohan, who unhooked the latch and threw it open. Dende glanced inside at the contents. His eyes narrowed, as his expression became tight lipped. He gazed up at Gohan.
"Why am I not surprised?" He said icily.
Gohan rummaged around the kit, rearranging six bottles of pepto bismol, an economy size roll of rolaids, and various other medicines designed to treat indigestion or heartburn until he finally pulled his hand out, clutching a bottle of antacid tablets. He popped the top open and downed twenty of them before closing the bottle, putting it back in his kit and closing the lid. Dende gasped.
"What's wrong Dende? I feel a lot better now that I took my medicine." Dende stood still, completely taken aback.
"Gohan… you're only supposed to take two of those! Not twenty!" Dende exclaimed. Gohan smiled, then looked alarmed, realizing that he had lied to his friend, and hoping Dende didn't catch on that he was witnessing a side effect to eating this very moment…
"Don't worry about it Dende, Saiya-jin metabolism is so fast that we pretty much have to multiply the dose of any medicine we take by ten." Dende rolled his eyes.
"Oh. I was wondering why this kit was so big. Hey, isn't it about time for the next class? What is it?" Gohan smiled, putting away his kit.
"It's one of my favorites, but it's usually boring. It's home economics! I hear we're having a guest speaker come in and tell us the right way to make clothes look stylish. I wonder who it is?" Gohan's eyes betrayed his delight. Dende gulped.
"I don't know Gohan, I'm not very good at making clothes, and I really hate boring things! Why do you think I've been wearing the same outfit for ten years?" Dende stood up and swept his hands over his outfit, acknowledging himself. Gohan shrugged.
"Don't worry Dende, you'll do fine. Maybe we'll even be able to make you something new to wear, and if not I'm sure my mother will take us to the clothing store." Gohan stood up and threw his tray into a garbage can twenty feet away. Dende threw his and it bounced off the rim and cracked the plaster on the wall. He gulped.
"Ahhhhh…. Come on, we'd better get going since I think I just heard the bell ring." With that he dashed out the entrance to the cafeteria. Gohan shrugged, and followed happily, glad to be going to his home economics class.
Little did the two know just how interesting the guest speaker was going to be…
The two of them found a table with two empty seats, and sat down. Dende glanced around and noticed that the class was filled with girls, and that Gohan was the only guy. Dende thought about it, and shrugged. Gohan grinned and turned around, conversing with the girls. The one sitting behind him, a blond with two pigtails (alright, it's not very original, but I'm a writer, not a hair stylist! ) smiled.
"So Tia (This isn't a knock against anyone who may have this name, it was chosen in memory of my dear deceased dog, who passed away a week before this was written.), any idea who the special guest is today?" The girl who was quite obviously named Tia smiled brightly.
"Gohan, he's half the reason we all signed up for this class! We all want to meet him! I hope he's here soon! He's sooooo awesome!" Gohan scratched his head.
"The whole class wants to meet him? Who could be such a popular guy? Mr. Satan?" Tia giggled.
"No, you'll see silly, it's…" From behind him, Dende kicked his legs up onto the table and started laughing hysterically, even as the girls who had been watching the front of the room all started talking at once.
"Piccolo!"
"He's here!"
"Yo! Piccolo-san! Over here!"
"Marry me!"
Gohan's jaw dropped. He turned to be faced with his mentor, who was frozen stiff and staring at Dende and Gohan. He also had a sewing machine perched on one of his shoulder guards. A bead of sweat trickled down his face. He groaned.
"Uh… I don't suppose you two are in the wrong class? Are you?" Piccolo murmured softly. Gohan was still too stunned to speak, but Dende laughed.
"No, sorry, this is where we should be… Piccolo-saaaaan… Dende said sarcastically, trying to sound like one of the girls in the class. He put his head in his arms and laughed some more. Piccolo struggled to maintain his composure. After all, he had a home economics class to teach. He sighed and sat down behind the desk at the front of the room, and glared at Dende. Dende knew that glare. He shut his mouth quickly. Piccolo smirked, then launched into a five minute lecture about the importance of sewing buttons onto clothing. After he finished there was a pause. No one spoke.
"So now we know what good buttons do. Are there any questions?" Everyone in the class except Dende and Gohan raised their hands. Piccolo sighed.
"Keeping in mind I already explained that I can't get married, go out with any of you, or anything like that." Slowly, the girls sighed and lowered their hands. Dende choked out another laugh. Piccolo smiled.
Author's comment: (Okay. Before I go any further, I wish to explain a little something, even though this is probably the longest comment I'm going to put in this whole story. This is NOT intended to be a shot at all you ladies who like/love Piccolo. Nor do I believe any of you are like the (Admittedly slightly stereotyped) people made up above. Neither is it a shot at all the female Namek stories I've seen out there. Without all of you there wouldn't be many of the quality Piccolo/Namek websites, art, and stories that are so well done. Your sites have kept me laughing , informed me, and otherwise told me every little tidbit I ever needed to know about Piccolo (real handy when writing a fanfic) Also, without all of you, let's face it, there would be very few pictures of Piccolo doing what he usually does best, kicking butt and taking care of Gohan (Grr… he could have thrown himself in front of Dende! Er… Forget that last part. ^_^). You all also write tons of quality fanfics, many of which I have read and enjoyed. So please PLEASE Piccolo worshippers if you are offended in some way, please don't blast me or send me an insulting e-mail about this one. Rather (Remember this is a humorous fanfic. I just write what I think may be funny. I am in no way trying to sound sexist or anything like that.), please accept it for what it really is, as this is just my way of tipping the hat to all of you people for your great work, without which, many of these fantastic sites and fanworks (that make my Dragonball experience so much grander) would not exist. And if you are still offended after this little section, (Or if I, in my own words, "Botched something" and it is perceived as offensive, I apologize, and you have my permission to write a fanfic blasting me in someway. Or heck, tell me what offended you, so that if it's a legitimate reason, I don't do so again. Thank you. Phew. There, now you may all proceed to throw your rocks, pitchforks, and torches at me. ^^;;;;;) On with the story! ^_^
"Alright, now I'm going to teach you all something very useful!" Piccolo boomed. Everyone except Dende stood at attention. "This isn't normally covered in the curriculum, but many people take advantage of innocents. So I'm going to teach you all a few basic self-defense moves! Now, to do this, I need a volunteer to demonstrate my training method. Does anyone want to help me?" All the girls, eager to help out their idol, raised their hands, as did Gohan. The only hand not up was Dende's. Piccolo smiled his evil, demonic grin again.
"Dende, how about you?" Dende's eyes widened and his antennae perked up at the mention of his name. He looked at Piccolo in disbelief, and pointed at himself, a scared look on his face.
"M…me?" Piccolo nodded. Dende began sweating. "But teacher, I'm not quite sure I'm the best…"
"Go help Piccolo! He's the bomb!" One girl shouted from behind him.
"Yeah, don't hold back you jerk! Piccolo's trying to teach us!"
"GO UP THERE NOW!"
"YEAH!" Dende glanced back at the mob of angry girls. He weighed his odds. On one side there was Piccolo, and on the other there were a bunch of girls ready to kill him if he didn't help their mentor. Dende gulped.
"Uh…okay… I'm going!" Dende started trotting up even as thrown erasers and rulers hurtled past him. Piccolo grinned.
"Alright, now I'm going to demonstrate a basic punch on Dende, who's so helpfully volunteered." Piccolo pulled his arm back, even while Dende clenched his eyes shut, silently praying. Then he heard a smacking sound and looked up to see Piccolo with clenched teeth and narrowed eyes, rubbing his nose with his right hand. He glanced at the class. Everyone, even Gohan, looked quite confused by what had transpired.
"Now then, as I was saying… a basic punch is like… OOF!" Piccolo was cut off as, raising a fist to strike at Dende, he pulled back and punched himself in the gut. Piccolo swore.
Dende stood there, confused. Piccolo was getting angry.
"This is a basic ki-" Piccolo didn't finish as his other leg flew up in the air first and he landed hard on his back, getting the wind knocked out of him. The girls all screamed and stood up. Tia, who was at the front, pointed at Dende.
"Hey girls! He's doing some kind of mind trick to Piccolo and is making him hurt himself! What are we going to do about it?"
"Let's beat that little punk up!"
"Kill him! He hurt Piccolo-san!"
"Throw him in a trash can! Shove him in a locker!" The girls started marching forward. Dende's eyes widened. Gohan gulped. The only time he had seen Dende look that way had been when Dodoria and Freezer had destroyed his friends so many years ago. It was the look of extreme fear. Dende smiled awkwardly as the girls advanced further, trying to throw them off.
"But wait ladies! I'm not doing anything! Don't you see how cute and adorable I am! Uh… wouldn't you rather help your mentor then hurt me? Um…" The mob advanced closer. Dende gulped again. "…I'll… uh…" Dende rummaged around his collar. "…give you all… fifty zeni?" Gohan stood up, and began inching his way towards the mob. Tia glared at Dende, fire in her eyes.
"Don't let him fool you! He's a little monster!"
"He hurt Piccolo!"
"Let's smash him!"
"Don't take his money!"
At this moment Dende's instinct for survival kicked in. "AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" He screamed, running out the door. As soon as Dende left the room, Piccolo stood up. All the girls turned in disbelief to look at their idol again.
"Piccolo!"
"You're alright!"
"Did that little brat hurt you?" Piccolo held up his hands, calming the group down. He grinned.
"Now now, please calm down. I was just pretending, and I needed your help to play a trick on him and teach him a lesson, don't go and kill him, okay?" The girls slowly nodded, hypnotized, and sat back down. Gohan also sat back down and breathed a sigh of relief. The class continued without event, and soon it was over, after Piccolo taught them all how to make his standard outfit. Gohan approached Piccolo once all the girls had left, although the mob had descended to his desk before crowding out the door.
"Hey Mr. Piccolo! Wasn't that a little harsh? Now we don't even know where Dende is!" Piccolo grinned.
"Nah, he needed to learn a lesson Gohan. Besides, I'm sure he'll turn up. I have another class to teach and I don't want you to be late, so why don't you go hurry to your next class? I'll tell him that I'm not mad at him if I see him." Gohan nodded.
"Okay, thanks Piccolo! You taught a great class!" Gohan waved and walked out the door. Piccolo glanced down at his desk, which was covered in apples his admirers had left. He picked one up and frowned.
"Why can't they just leave bottled water?" Piccolo sighed.
There were about three minutes until his next class, and as often happens soon after lunch, Gohan was feeling the call of nature. (NO! I'm not going to get detailed! You all can keep reading! Don't worry!) Following the same route he took after every home economics class, he marched into the boys' restroom and was taking care of business. He heard a strange clicking noise, and glanced up at the ceiling. His eyes widened in shock when he recognized Dende hanging from the lights. The Namek's eyes were wide; he was shuddering, drenched in sweat, and was chattering in fear.
"A…are they gone?" He asked, his voice quivering. Gohan groaned and rolled his eyes.
"Hurry Dende! We're going to be late!" Gohan exclaimed, jogging down the hallway. Dende struggled to keep up with him, since Gohan had a size advantage. Gohan glanced down at Dende, who's tongue was hanging out, his antennae were limp and plastered to his face, and he was gasping for air. Finally, just as Dende was about to pass out, and much to his surprise, Gohan grabbed the Namek and tucked him under his arm like a football.
"What the?! Gohan, put me down! We don't need to get there that fast!" Dende exclaimed, panicked. Gohan remained silent, and put on a burst of speed. He hadn't been late or absent for school the entire year and he wasn't about to lose his perfect record now. Spying the open classroom ahead, Gohan reared back, grabbed Dende by the waist, and tossed him through the door. He then tensed for a giant leap…
…and shoulder rolled through the door just as the tardy bell kicked in with a resounding BBRRRRRRIIIIINNNNNNNGGGGGGG!!!!! He lay there panting next to Dende, who had unceremoniously flown through the door moment's earlier. A blurred figure stood over him. He blinked once as his vision focused, revealing his English teacher. The sixty-year-old woman was not happy.
"Well well, thought you'd pull it a little close today, did you Son Gohan? And what's more, you've decided to drag the new kid into your hair raising antics as well. Well, you two may take your seats. Class is about to begin." Gohan stood up and practically dragged the semi-conscious Dende into his seat. He then flopped into the empty seat next to Dende's and wiped the sweat from his forehead. The record was still perfect for another day.
The teacher smiled, and rummaged around in a cabinet, pulling out a large cardboard box.
"Okay class, today we're going to reenact a scene from a famous play. It's called Romeo and Juliet! Now, to make this extra fun…" The teacher smiled, not noticing the rest of the class roll their eyes. "…we're going to dress up as well!" Now, I have the most wonderful medieval clothing here that would be PERFECT for our Romeo… Gohan, you were almost late, how about you?" Gohan gulped.
"Um, okay… I guess I can play Romeo…" Gohan glanced at the empty seat where Videl would be sitting if she hadn't been… misplaced… Gohan felt a single tear welling in his eye. "Oh Videl… I promise whoever gets to play Juliet, I'll still only think of you…" The teacher nodded.
"Good, now who wants to play Juliet?" While Gohan was lost in his thoughts, Dende glanced around. No one seemed especially eager to play Juliet. He had actually been daydreaming, and he had no idea about the classic play. He also still hadn't quite grasped the difference between a guy's name and a girl's name.
"Well…Gohan did say I should stick with him and I'll be okay," Dende thought. He shrugged and raised his hand. Someone behind him snickered. Gohan continued, lost in his thoughts. "Ah Videl… I can almost picture you in your seat smiling, right next to Dende and his raised hand… RAISED HAND?!" Gohan's eyes went wide, but it was too late. The teacher was already pointing at Dende.
"Well, it seems a little odd, but sure kid, you can be Juliet… you two come up here and get your books and costumes." The teacher remarked, surprised. Dende eagerly hopped out of his seat and practically skipped to the front of the class, followed by a slowly walking Son Gohan, whose face was red. Somewhere behind Dende another kid snickered, but Dende didn't seem to notice.
"Okay, your name's Dende, right kid? Here, take this and put it on." The teacher said, reaching into the cardboard box and coming out with a lovely yellow dress. Dende smiled.
"Alright, sure thing ma'am!" He said eagerly. Giggles resounded throughout the class, but Dende was still unobserving. Gohan felt like every laugh was directed at him though, and accepted his costume without a word. By the time Gohan had tugged the loose pants over his outfit, Dende had already put the whole dress on and was twirling around, grinning.
"Hey, this looks and feels great! I should wear this some other time!" Dende exclaimed. The class exploded into laughter. Dende scratched his head, wondering what was so funny. Gohan had dropped the top of his suit and had gazed up in the air with a "Why me?" look.
"Okay class, now our Romeo and uh… Juliet are going to perform the dancing scene!" Dende glanced at the teacher.
"Dancing? We get to dance? Don't worry me and Gohan are good at that! Come on Gohan, lets spin around like we used to do when we were little! That was fun!" Dende said, grinning. The class burst into laughter again. Gohan glanced at the clock and sighed. Thirty-five more minutes of hell were left. He was going to have a talk with Dende about human customs when they got done with this.
While Dende was putting Gohan through mortal embarrassment and in one day destroying the reputation he had built up for the past three months, Piccolo was busily grading papers in his home economics class. He was also very thirsty. He heard a knock on the classroom door and glanced up. The girl known as Tia was standing there looking at him meekly.
"Oh, hello. What do you need?" Piccolo asked. He had heard some of these humans occasionally needed remedial help, and even if he was only going to be a teacher for a day, he was determined to be a good one. Tia smiled.
"Well, you looked so thirsty, Mr. Piccolo sir. I kinda thought you um… might want something to drink?" She said hopefully. Piccolo reacted without thinking.
"I'm sorry, I'm not very thirsty, no thank yo-… what are you doing?" The girl had silently begun to cry. Piccolo scratched his head. "Um, what's wrong?"
"Y… you just don't like me, that's all!" Tia cried. Beads of sweat trickled down Piccolo's face.
"Now now, you're a nice girl, it's just that like I said, I can't go out with anyone. I'm sorry if I'm hurting your feelings." Piccolo replied awkwardly. The girl wiped her eyes with a handkerchief and looked up.
"Are you sure you don't want this drink I brought you, sir?" She cried. Piccolo weighed his options. He could both accept the drink and make the girl feel better with a minimum of trouble. Or he could refuse the drink and spend the next ten minutes convincing her that he didn't hate her, he just didn't want anything to drink right now. He chose option A and put on a fake smile.
"Um, on second thought, something to drink would be fine, thank you very much." The girl smiled gleefully and pulled out a can of pop, practically thrusting it in Piccolo's face. Piccolo read the label.
"Super Mega Hyper Jolt Cola? What the heck? Ten times the caffeine?" The girl smiled.
"It's to help keep you awake sir, I've heard teaching can be a boring job." Piccolo glanced back up at the girl.
"Well, I prefer Ice water, but I guess there's nothing wrong with trying new things…"