Disclaimer: See chapter 1
~
It's about midnight, but of course I'm awake. Luka's lying next to me, but of course he's sound asleep. He must have been exhausted after what we just did. I smile at the thought of that. I love making love to Luka. It's the only time I can really loose myself in a moment. Sometimes he says things to me in Croatian. I don't know what he's saying, but it still drives me wild. He's the best lover I've ever had.
But now he's asleep and I'm left alone with my thoughts again. I don't want this baby, but I can't bring myself to abort it. I can't bring myself to tell Luka either. I know it would make him so happy, and then I wouldn't have any choice but to have it. How could I take that kind of happiness away from him? If anyone deserves a chance to be happy it's Luka. But at the same time I know I won't be a good mother. I would only let him down.
I still have a little more time to decide.
~
"There's a GSW to the chest on it's way in," announces Halle. I moan in frustration. It's been nonstop today in the ER. On top of that, Luka's in charge, and he likes to have me with him in traumas. I guess it's because he knows I'll do what ever he asks, which I do. Not because I'm sleeping with him, but because he's the doctor, and I'm just a nurse.
A few minutes later the EMS team burst threw the doors with a young man on a gurney. There's a cop following them, and the victim is screaming and trying to fight everyone off.
"Leave me alone! I don't need no help!" he shouts.
"Yeah right, kid. Your blood's leaving a trail on our floor," I think to myself as I join Luka and Carter by the gurney. We take it over and the EMS team leaves. The cop stays. We wheel him into Trauma 1 and the dance begins.
"Still feel like a big man?" the cop taunts the young man. "Where's your gang now, huh? Yeah, they left you at the first sign of trouble. Some family, huh?" This only pisses off the kid more, and Luka gives me that "take care of him" look that all the doctors have mastered.
"Officer," I say as I walk around Lilly. "I'm gonna have to ask you to leave the room." I touch my hand to his back and start to direct him towards the door.
"Damn gang-bangers. They all deserve to be shot," he mumbles as he pushes through the swinging doors. I don't think he meant for me to hear that.
When I turn my attention back to the dance, I notice that Malik and Carter are having a hard time holding the kid down so Luka can sedate him. Malik asks me if I can hold an arm down while he goes and holds the feet down. I agree.
I go and grab his arm and try to hold it down with all my strength. Even though he's in restraints, he's still able to move around a lot. He's a strong guy for someone who's bleeding as much as he is.
I guess the restraint around the arm I was trying to hold wasn't very strong, because before I realize what's happening, he's reached up and grabbed the hair on the back of my head. Before anyone has time to stop him, he yanks me down towards him, ramming the sidebar of the gurney into my stomach. It's some of the worst pain I've ever felt.
Luka reacts fast and takes his hand out of my hair and then stabs that arm with a needle. The kid yells, but then starts to calm down. I myself fall to the ground holding my belly.
"Abby, are you all right?" Luka asks me frantically.
"I'm okay," I reply, though I'm betrayed by the sound of pain in my voice.
"Are you sure?" Carter chimes in. He looks pissed that Luka hasn't run over to help me yet. I'm not mad though. Luka can't leave a dying kid to look at me, someone who's obviously not dying.
"I'm fine I just-"
I don't finish, I run to the bathroom instead. I'm in terrible pain, and now I've started cramping. I have a bad feeling about this.
I drop my pants the second I get into a stall. Luckily I'm the only one in the bathroom. I don't want them to see what I think is happening.
Just what I thought. There's blood in my underwear, and I'm still bleeding. I sit down on the toilet and rock back and forth. I'm praying that it'll stop, but it doesn't. I'm getting very light headed.
I think I might be ready to pass out, so I stand up and pull my pants back up. I don't want to be found past out on the bathroom floor naked from the waste down. But I don't faint. Instead my legs give out from under me. I manage to catch myself with my hands before my head hits the ground.
Now I'm crying. This is so painful and it's the last thing I wanted to happen.
There's a knock at the door.
"Abby?" calls Luka in his wonderful accent. "Abby are you alright? What's going on?" He must have been finished with the kid.
I don't answer. I just lay there on the floor crying. I don't want him to see me like this.
"Abby?" he calls again, and when I still don't answer he comes into the bathroom to find me. I can hear his footsteps slowly making their way toward me.
"Oh my God, Abby!" he exclaims as he burst open the stall door.
He scoops me up in his strong arms and proceeds to take me out of the bathroom and towards what I assume is a trauma room.
"Please don't," I cry. "I don't want them to see me like this."
He doesn't listen. He only cares about my health right now.
I can hear voices whispering and gasping as Luka parades me by them. I can't understand what they're saying, but I have an idea.
He lays me down on a gurney and suddenly there's a bright light in my face. Just as suddenly, Carter's face blocks out the light.
"Abby," he says, "have you had any cramping?"
"Why even ask?" I complain, still crying. "You know damn well what's going on. I'm having a miscarriage."
Everything seems to stop after that. If it wasn't for the damn light maybe I could've seen Luka's reaction. I hope he's all right.
"Call Dr. Coburn," is all I hear him say.
All the frantic motion stops. There's no need for it now. All anyone can do is wait until this thing finishes itself and make sure I don't bleed too much. I think everyone sensed that we should be alone, because everyone left but Luka. Carter squeezed my hand just before he left.
"Did you know you were pregnant?" Luka asks me. I just nod. "How long have you known?"
"A couple weeks," I say, casting my eyes to the floor. I'm afraid he's about to ask me the question I don't want to answer.
"When were you going to tell me?" Not quite it, but close enough.
"I don't know," is my reply.
"Were you going to tell me at all?" Bingo! There it is.
"I don't know."
"Is it mine?"
"Of course it's yours!" What the hell kind of question was that?
"Then why didn't you tell me?" He's getting more and more frustrated.
"Because I wasn't sure if I wanted it." I bet that blew his shorts off.
I can tell he's having a hard time finding what to ask next.
"How can you not want a child?" he finally says.
"Because I'm afraid of what a bad mother I'd be. How can I be a good mother when I was raised by someone who would chase me with knives? How can I be a good mother when the only example I've ever had was someone who was completely out of their mind?"
"I think you'd be a good mother," he says. I surprised at how calm he is.
"Why?"
"Because I've seen you with children. You're great with them. Besides, parenting is a natural instinct."
"Well, my mother didn't have it, what makes you think I will?"
"Because I know you."
"Look Luka. I didn't want this baby. I just didn't have the guts to do anything about it."
"You were going to abort our baby?" He makes it sound ten times more horrible when he says it like that. But what the hell, he deserves to know.
"I made it all the way to the clinic but turned back. But believe me when I tell you that I didn't want anything like this to happen."
He doesn't say anything. He just starts to leave.
"Please Luka. Don't go." I've started crying again. I know that if he leaves this room he most likely won't ever speak to me again.
"How can I ever look at you again when you were going to kill my child?"
"I didn't do anything."
"You were going to. Isn't that just as bad?"
"Please! Luka!"
But he ignores my begging and leaves the room, leaving me there to bleed and cry in solitude.
~
It's about midnight, but of course I'm awake. Luka's lying next to me, but of course he's sound asleep. He must have been exhausted after what we just did. I smile at the thought of that. I love making love to Luka. It's the only time I can really loose myself in a moment. Sometimes he says things to me in Croatian. I don't know what he's saying, but it still drives me wild. He's the best lover I've ever had.
But now he's asleep and I'm left alone with my thoughts again. I don't want this baby, but I can't bring myself to abort it. I can't bring myself to tell Luka either. I know it would make him so happy, and then I wouldn't have any choice but to have it. How could I take that kind of happiness away from him? If anyone deserves a chance to be happy it's Luka. But at the same time I know I won't be a good mother. I would only let him down.
I still have a little more time to decide.
~
"There's a GSW to the chest on it's way in," announces Halle. I moan in frustration. It's been nonstop today in the ER. On top of that, Luka's in charge, and he likes to have me with him in traumas. I guess it's because he knows I'll do what ever he asks, which I do. Not because I'm sleeping with him, but because he's the doctor, and I'm just a nurse.
A few minutes later the EMS team burst threw the doors with a young man on a gurney. There's a cop following them, and the victim is screaming and trying to fight everyone off.
"Leave me alone! I don't need no help!" he shouts.
"Yeah right, kid. Your blood's leaving a trail on our floor," I think to myself as I join Luka and Carter by the gurney. We take it over and the EMS team leaves. The cop stays. We wheel him into Trauma 1 and the dance begins.
"Still feel like a big man?" the cop taunts the young man. "Where's your gang now, huh? Yeah, they left you at the first sign of trouble. Some family, huh?" This only pisses off the kid more, and Luka gives me that "take care of him" look that all the doctors have mastered.
"Officer," I say as I walk around Lilly. "I'm gonna have to ask you to leave the room." I touch my hand to his back and start to direct him towards the door.
"Damn gang-bangers. They all deserve to be shot," he mumbles as he pushes through the swinging doors. I don't think he meant for me to hear that.
When I turn my attention back to the dance, I notice that Malik and Carter are having a hard time holding the kid down so Luka can sedate him. Malik asks me if I can hold an arm down while he goes and holds the feet down. I agree.
I go and grab his arm and try to hold it down with all my strength. Even though he's in restraints, he's still able to move around a lot. He's a strong guy for someone who's bleeding as much as he is.
I guess the restraint around the arm I was trying to hold wasn't very strong, because before I realize what's happening, he's reached up and grabbed the hair on the back of my head. Before anyone has time to stop him, he yanks me down towards him, ramming the sidebar of the gurney into my stomach. It's some of the worst pain I've ever felt.
Luka reacts fast and takes his hand out of my hair and then stabs that arm with a needle. The kid yells, but then starts to calm down. I myself fall to the ground holding my belly.
"Abby, are you all right?" Luka asks me frantically.
"I'm okay," I reply, though I'm betrayed by the sound of pain in my voice.
"Are you sure?" Carter chimes in. He looks pissed that Luka hasn't run over to help me yet. I'm not mad though. Luka can't leave a dying kid to look at me, someone who's obviously not dying.
"I'm fine I just-"
I don't finish, I run to the bathroom instead. I'm in terrible pain, and now I've started cramping. I have a bad feeling about this.
I drop my pants the second I get into a stall. Luckily I'm the only one in the bathroom. I don't want them to see what I think is happening.
Just what I thought. There's blood in my underwear, and I'm still bleeding. I sit down on the toilet and rock back and forth. I'm praying that it'll stop, but it doesn't. I'm getting very light headed.
I think I might be ready to pass out, so I stand up and pull my pants back up. I don't want to be found past out on the bathroom floor naked from the waste down. But I don't faint. Instead my legs give out from under me. I manage to catch myself with my hands before my head hits the ground.
Now I'm crying. This is so painful and it's the last thing I wanted to happen.
There's a knock at the door.
"Abby?" calls Luka in his wonderful accent. "Abby are you alright? What's going on?" He must have been finished with the kid.
I don't answer. I just lay there on the floor crying. I don't want him to see me like this.
"Abby?" he calls again, and when I still don't answer he comes into the bathroom to find me. I can hear his footsteps slowly making their way toward me.
"Oh my God, Abby!" he exclaims as he burst open the stall door.
He scoops me up in his strong arms and proceeds to take me out of the bathroom and towards what I assume is a trauma room.
"Please don't," I cry. "I don't want them to see me like this."
He doesn't listen. He only cares about my health right now.
I can hear voices whispering and gasping as Luka parades me by them. I can't understand what they're saying, but I have an idea.
He lays me down on a gurney and suddenly there's a bright light in my face. Just as suddenly, Carter's face blocks out the light.
"Abby," he says, "have you had any cramping?"
"Why even ask?" I complain, still crying. "You know damn well what's going on. I'm having a miscarriage."
Everything seems to stop after that. If it wasn't for the damn light maybe I could've seen Luka's reaction. I hope he's all right.
"Call Dr. Coburn," is all I hear him say.
All the frantic motion stops. There's no need for it now. All anyone can do is wait until this thing finishes itself and make sure I don't bleed too much. I think everyone sensed that we should be alone, because everyone left but Luka. Carter squeezed my hand just before he left.
"Did you know you were pregnant?" Luka asks me. I just nod. "How long have you known?"
"A couple weeks," I say, casting my eyes to the floor. I'm afraid he's about to ask me the question I don't want to answer.
"When were you going to tell me?" Not quite it, but close enough.
"I don't know," is my reply.
"Were you going to tell me at all?" Bingo! There it is.
"I don't know."
"Is it mine?"
"Of course it's yours!" What the hell kind of question was that?
"Then why didn't you tell me?" He's getting more and more frustrated.
"Because I wasn't sure if I wanted it." I bet that blew his shorts off.
I can tell he's having a hard time finding what to ask next.
"How can you not want a child?" he finally says.
"Because I'm afraid of what a bad mother I'd be. How can I be a good mother when I was raised by someone who would chase me with knives? How can I be a good mother when the only example I've ever had was someone who was completely out of their mind?"
"I think you'd be a good mother," he says. I surprised at how calm he is.
"Why?"
"Because I've seen you with children. You're great with them. Besides, parenting is a natural instinct."
"Well, my mother didn't have it, what makes you think I will?"
"Because I know you."
"Look Luka. I didn't want this baby. I just didn't have the guts to do anything about it."
"You were going to abort our baby?" He makes it sound ten times more horrible when he says it like that. But what the hell, he deserves to know.
"I made it all the way to the clinic but turned back. But believe me when I tell you that I didn't want anything like this to happen."
He doesn't say anything. He just starts to leave.
"Please Luka. Don't go." I've started crying again. I know that if he leaves this room he most likely won't ever speak to me again.
"How can I ever look at you again when you were going to kill my child?"
"I didn't do anything."
"You were going to. Isn't that just as bad?"
"Please! Luka!"
But he ignores my begging and leaves the room, leaving me there to bleed and cry in solitude.