Disclaimer: See chapter 3, which tells you to see chapter 1. But you probably don't care anyway.
*I know this chapter's short, but I need to write the next part form a different viewpoint and it would just be confusing if I tacked it on at the end of this section.
~
It's been a two weeks since I lost the baby, and Luka hasn't spoken to me since that day. Every once in a while I catch him looking at me, but I know he's only staring out of disgust. He hates me, but I don't blame him.
It's especially hard because the only time I see him is at work. All our coworkers must be seeing all this. I'm sure they all know the story by now, how evil ol' Abby wanted to kill Luka's baby. They all hate me, but I don't blame them.
I've only been back for a few days, but it's been really hard. There are only two people who look at me the same anymore. Dr. Weaver's one, and I attribute that to her being a professional in the work place. See's never been one to let her opinion of someone affect how she treats them at work, well, at least since I've been here.
And the other of course is Carter. He has stood by me since the beginning, and that's what makes him a good friend. He's the only one who knows my side of the situation.
Mostly I'm upset because Luka won't let me explain. He's blinded by rage, or hurt. All he can see is that his chances of being a father were squelched by me. I'm the one who went to a clinic to get rid of it, but of course he completely ignores the fact that I left crying and still pregnant. I didn't want to loose the baby the way I did, and I think he knows that. But no matter what he's never going to forget the fact that I wanted to get rid of it.
~
"So how's everything going?" Carter asks me as I scribble something on a chart.
"It's okay," I reply. "I know I've been back for a few days but it stills feels like everone's staring at me."
"What about Luka?"
"He still won't talk to me, but I guess I can understand why."
"Abby?" calls a voice. I've been dying for that voice to say my name. I glance over at Carter and then quickly made my way over to Luka.
"Yeah?" I ask, trying not to sound to eager. I can't believe he spoke to me!
"Dr. Coburn called down and was wondering if you could work up in OB today. I told her you would, so you need to head up there." I see. I'm just an employee now.
"Did you clear it with Weaver?" I asked.
"Her shift just ended. I'm in charge." I just nod my head in compliance.
God! I just want to grab him by his face and make him listen! I didn't do it, Luka! I couldn't do it!
But instead I just walk back over to Carter.
"What'd he say?" Carter asks.
"He's sending me to OB. He said they need me up there."
"I'm sorry, Abby. I wish I could do something."
"I don't think either of us can do anything about it. It's up to Luka whether or not he wants to let me back in his life."
"Do you want to go get some dinner tonight? We can talk about it," he suggests.
"No thanks. I just want to go home and spend some quality time with a gallon of chocolate ice cream."
"Okay then," he smiles. "If you need anything, just page me."
~
I think I know why Luka was so eager to send me up here to OB. I'm surrounded by happy families and babies, and now I'm forced to think about what I wanted to do. I'm forced to see a new baby and think that I wanted to get rid of my own. This is torture for me, and I think Luka knew it would be.
Right now I'm cleaning off a brand new baby. He was born just a few minutes ago. His mother's still in the hospital bed with his father by her side. They're crying from joy.
"Mr. and Mrs. McCroy," I say, "you have a beautiful little boy. He's six pounds, nine ounces and nineteen inches long."
It is a beautiful little boy, I'm not just saying that to be nice. He keeps stretching out his little legs and arms as I wipe off his forehead. He has a lot of dark hair and he's blinking in the new light. This is why I love working up here; tiny hands and tiny feet. Babies amaze me, but that still doesn't mean I want my own.
I finish cleaning him and hand him over to his father, who had yet to hold him. It's their first child, and their overwhelming joy seems to fill the room. But that still doesn't mean I want my own.
It wouldn't be a happy occation for me. I don't want a life to depend on me. I would live my life in shear fear of whether or not I was going to go crazy like my mom. Would my child grow up to be crazy? What if somebody ever tried to hurt them? What if Maggie tried to hurt them like she once tried to hurt me? What if they grew up to hate me?
I'd just as soon not deal with it. I'd be sparing me the fear and my child a life of misery like I had. No one should have to deal with having me as a mother. That would be plain cruel.
I made up my mind a long time ago. Even the torture of being surrounded by happiness and babies won't make me change my mind. I was never cut out to be a mother, so I'm never going to be one. I have enough trouble taking care of my own mother.
*I know this chapter's short, but I need to write the next part form a different viewpoint and it would just be confusing if I tacked it on at the end of this section.
~
It's been a two weeks since I lost the baby, and Luka hasn't spoken to me since that day. Every once in a while I catch him looking at me, but I know he's only staring out of disgust. He hates me, but I don't blame him.
It's especially hard because the only time I see him is at work. All our coworkers must be seeing all this. I'm sure they all know the story by now, how evil ol' Abby wanted to kill Luka's baby. They all hate me, but I don't blame them.
I've only been back for a few days, but it's been really hard. There are only two people who look at me the same anymore. Dr. Weaver's one, and I attribute that to her being a professional in the work place. See's never been one to let her opinion of someone affect how she treats them at work, well, at least since I've been here.
And the other of course is Carter. He has stood by me since the beginning, and that's what makes him a good friend. He's the only one who knows my side of the situation.
Mostly I'm upset because Luka won't let me explain. He's blinded by rage, or hurt. All he can see is that his chances of being a father were squelched by me. I'm the one who went to a clinic to get rid of it, but of course he completely ignores the fact that I left crying and still pregnant. I didn't want to loose the baby the way I did, and I think he knows that. But no matter what he's never going to forget the fact that I wanted to get rid of it.
~
"So how's everything going?" Carter asks me as I scribble something on a chart.
"It's okay," I reply. "I know I've been back for a few days but it stills feels like everone's staring at me."
"What about Luka?"
"He still won't talk to me, but I guess I can understand why."
"Abby?" calls a voice. I've been dying for that voice to say my name. I glance over at Carter and then quickly made my way over to Luka.
"Yeah?" I ask, trying not to sound to eager. I can't believe he spoke to me!
"Dr. Coburn called down and was wondering if you could work up in OB today. I told her you would, so you need to head up there." I see. I'm just an employee now.
"Did you clear it with Weaver?" I asked.
"Her shift just ended. I'm in charge." I just nod my head in compliance.
God! I just want to grab him by his face and make him listen! I didn't do it, Luka! I couldn't do it!
But instead I just walk back over to Carter.
"What'd he say?" Carter asks.
"He's sending me to OB. He said they need me up there."
"I'm sorry, Abby. I wish I could do something."
"I don't think either of us can do anything about it. It's up to Luka whether or not he wants to let me back in his life."
"Do you want to go get some dinner tonight? We can talk about it," he suggests.
"No thanks. I just want to go home and spend some quality time with a gallon of chocolate ice cream."
"Okay then," he smiles. "If you need anything, just page me."
~
I think I know why Luka was so eager to send me up here to OB. I'm surrounded by happy families and babies, and now I'm forced to think about what I wanted to do. I'm forced to see a new baby and think that I wanted to get rid of my own. This is torture for me, and I think Luka knew it would be.
Right now I'm cleaning off a brand new baby. He was born just a few minutes ago. His mother's still in the hospital bed with his father by her side. They're crying from joy.
"Mr. and Mrs. McCroy," I say, "you have a beautiful little boy. He's six pounds, nine ounces and nineteen inches long."
It is a beautiful little boy, I'm not just saying that to be nice. He keeps stretching out his little legs and arms as I wipe off his forehead. He has a lot of dark hair and he's blinking in the new light. This is why I love working up here; tiny hands and tiny feet. Babies amaze me, but that still doesn't mean I want my own.
I finish cleaning him and hand him over to his father, who had yet to hold him. It's their first child, and their overwhelming joy seems to fill the room. But that still doesn't mean I want my own.
It wouldn't be a happy occation for me. I don't want a life to depend on me. I would live my life in shear fear of whether or not I was going to go crazy like my mom. Would my child grow up to be crazy? What if somebody ever tried to hurt them? What if Maggie tried to hurt them like she once tried to hurt me? What if they grew up to hate me?
I'd just as soon not deal with it. I'd be sparing me the fear and my child a life of misery like I had. No one should have to deal with having me as a mother. That would be plain cruel.
I made up my mind a long time ago. Even the torture of being surrounded by happiness and babies won't make me change my mind. I was never cut out to be a mother, so I'm never going to be one. I have enough trouble taking care of my own mother.