I entered my room, and put down my snack of lemon cake and a can of ginger ale I got on the nightstand by my bed. As I sat down on my bed, I stretched my arm, and grabbed the remote control off the top of my miniature television set. I began to flip through the channels as I ate and drank. A couple of minutes later, I came across a rather special advertisement.
"Are you being harassed in any way? Feel like you've been treated miserably? Got family problems that require more than a counselor's attention? Call no one else but Johnston and Williams Attorneys at Law!"
The man who was speaking was dressed very well. His office was heavily adorned with rather fine objects like works of art, degrees from various law schools and colleges; and not to mention his immense desk. After what I had been through that day, that man had me interested.
"Yes! The second and third things! What's the number to dial?" I quietly blurted out.
"Call 1-800-J-A-N-D-W right now for quality law services!"
I finished my lemon cake and ginger ale, and extended an arm to pick up the phone on a table that was a few feet away from my bed. Father had this coming to him. Many would say I was being a little harsh. But I didn't care, what Father made me do just because of my usual April Fool's Day celebrations was just downright dumb, he knew how much I love that holiday. I dialed the number mentioned on the television. The phone on the other end rang a couple of times, then picked up. A computerized voice then came on.
"You have reached the law offices of Johnston and Williams. Press 1 if you want to file divorce. Press 2 if you want to sue someone."
I immediately pressed 2.
"You have chosen to sue someone. Press 1 if the amount will be for fewer than one million dollars. Press 2 if it will be between one and two million dollars. Press 3 if it will be more than two million, but fewer than five million..."
"Geez, these men really like to deal with those who have big bucks."
I thought as I pressed 1. I thought I would go easy on my stepfather with the amount of money I would hopefully win from him. All I needed was enough to pay for the goodies I so desired that he nor the rest of my friends did not get for me that past Christmas.
"You have chosen to sue for an amount fewer than one million dollars. Are you a citizen of the United States? Press 1 for yes, 2 for no."
"The last time I checked, I was."
I mumbled in a tone that said, "Can we say DUH!" as I pressed 1.
"You are a citizen of the United States. Is English your language? Once again, press 1 for yes, 2 for no."
I felt tempted to say to that idiot of a computer that was serving as an operator the following.
"Hello, through the mere click of a button, I just said I was an honest to goodness citizen of the good old U.S. of A.. And, you're now asking if I speak and understand English, the very language you have been asking what have been mostly inane questions from question number three in. Aren't you lucky that you are not in the vicinity of the Baxter Building, or all points within the square mile surrounding it."
I pressed 1, and waited to see what rather pathetic question it was going to ask next.
"You speak English. Who do you want to sue? Press 1 if it is a family member that is related by blood. Press 2 if it is a legal guardian, or foster parent. Press 3 if.."
"Shut up." I said under my breath as I pressed 2.
"You want to sue your legal guardian or foster parent. If you consider this particular person a legal guardian, press 1, if you consider them your foster parent, press 2."
Feeling almost ready to place the phone on the hook, and come up with some other devious form of revenge, I pressed 2.
"You are suing your legal guardian. Are you a celebrity? Press 1 if.."
"Hey hey, maybe this is worth those dumb questions!"
I thought as I instantly pressed 1.
"You are a celebrity. What kind of celebrity are you? If you are a movie or television star, press 1. If you are a musician of any sort, press 2. If you are a superhero, press 3."
"About time you reached my calling." I silently let out as I pressed 3.
"You are a superhero. Do you belong to a team? Press 1 if you do, 2 if you don't."
"Holy cow, they leave no stone unturned!" I thought as I pressed 1.
"You belong to a team. Which team do you belong to? Press 1 if you belong to the Fantastic Five. Press 2 if.."
I quickly pressed 1.
"Well, you certainly have earned brownie points from me for placing my team as numero uno!" I said under my breath.
"You belong to the Fantastic Five. What is your age? If you are under 18, press 1. If you are.."
I pressed 1, praying it would put an end to what was becoming a nerve-wracking process.
"You are under 18. Press the numbers in your age now."
I pressed a 1 and 3. One second later, a reply sounded.
"Thank you Marilyn Richards for showing interest in Johnston and Williams Law Offices. One of our attorneys will come out to the Baxter Building approximately at 10:00 later this morning to talk to you about the case. Be sure to be prompt and ready. Once again, thank you."
And with that said, I set my alarm clock for 8:00, hopped into bed, and went to sleep knowing the greatest of my acts had just started to come into place.
"Are you being harassed in any way? Feel like you've been treated miserably? Got family problems that require more than a counselor's attention? Call no one else but Johnston and Williams Attorneys at Law!"
The man who was speaking was dressed very well. His office was heavily adorned with rather fine objects like works of art, degrees from various law schools and colleges; and not to mention his immense desk. After what I had been through that day, that man had me interested.
"Yes! The second and third things! What's the number to dial?" I quietly blurted out.
"Call 1-800-J-A-N-D-W right now for quality law services!"
I finished my lemon cake and ginger ale, and extended an arm to pick up the phone on a table that was a few feet away from my bed. Father had this coming to him. Many would say I was being a little harsh. But I didn't care, what Father made me do just because of my usual April Fool's Day celebrations was just downright dumb, he knew how much I love that holiday. I dialed the number mentioned on the television. The phone on the other end rang a couple of times, then picked up. A computerized voice then came on.
"You have reached the law offices of Johnston and Williams. Press 1 if you want to file divorce. Press 2 if you want to sue someone."
I immediately pressed 2.
"You have chosen to sue someone. Press 1 if the amount will be for fewer than one million dollars. Press 2 if it will be between one and two million dollars. Press 3 if it will be more than two million, but fewer than five million..."
"Geez, these men really like to deal with those who have big bucks."
I thought as I pressed 1. I thought I would go easy on my stepfather with the amount of money I would hopefully win from him. All I needed was enough to pay for the goodies I so desired that he nor the rest of my friends did not get for me that past Christmas.
"You have chosen to sue for an amount fewer than one million dollars. Are you a citizen of the United States? Press 1 for yes, 2 for no."
"The last time I checked, I was."
I mumbled in a tone that said, "Can we say DUH!" as I pressed 1.
"You are a citizen of the United States. Is English your language? Once again, press 1 for yes, 2 for no."
I felt tempted to say to that idiot of a computer that was serving as an operator the following.
"Hello, through the mere click of a button, I just said I was an honest to goodness citizen of the good old U.S. of A.. And, you're now asking if I speak and understand English, the very language you have been asking what have been mostly inane questions from question number three in. Aren't you lucky that you are not in the vicinity of the Baxter Building, or all points within the square mile surrounding it."
I pressed 1, and waited to see what rather pathetic question it was going to ask next.
"You speak English. Who do you want to sue? Press 1 if it is a family member that is related by blood. Press 2 if it is a legal guardian, or foster parent. Press 3 if.."
"Shut up." I said under my breath as I pressed 2.
"You want to sue your legal guardian or foster parent. If you consider this particular person a legal guardian, press 1, if you consider them your foster parent, press 2."
Feeling almost ready to place the phone on the hook, and come up with some other devious form of revenge, I pressed 2.
"You are suing your legal guardian. Are you a celebrity? Press 1 if.."
"Hey hey, maybe this is worth those dumb questions!"
I thought as I instantly pressed 1.
"You are a celebrity. What kind of celebrity are you? If you are a movie or television star, press 1. If you are a musician of any sort, press 2. If you are a superhero, press 3."
"About time you reached my calling." I silently let out as I pressed 3.
"You are a superhero. Do you belong to a team? Press 1 if you do, 2 if you don't."
"Holy cow, they leave no stone unturned!" I thought as I pressed 1.
"You belong to a team. Which team do you belong to? Press 1 if you belong to the Fantastic Five. Press 2 if.."
I quickly pressed 1.
"Well, you certainly have earned brownie points from me for placing my team as numero uno!" I said under my breath.
"You belong to the Fantastic Five. What is your age? If you are under 18, press 1. If you are.."
I pressed 1, praying it would put an end to what was becoming a nerve-wracking process.
"You are under 18. Press the numbers in your age now."
I pressed a 1 and 3. One second later, a reply sounded.
"Thank you Marilyn Richards for showing interest in Johnston and Williams Law Offices. One of our attorneys will come out to the Baxter Building approximately at 10:00 later this morning to talk to you about the case. Be sure to be prompt and ready. Once again, thank you."
And with that said, I set my alarm clock for 8:00, hopped into bed, and went to sleep knowing the greatest of my acts had just started to come into place.