Authors notes: A reenactment of Monty Python & the Holy Grail with the replacement of Star Trek characters and situations. Time has no meaning for the characters in this story.
Monty Picard & the
Holy Dilithium Crystal
Chapter 2
Written By: Q
(Arthur and Scotty are riding proudly along the English countryside, when they spot a castle. He rides towards it with a peasant in front of him.)
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Old woman!
WESLEY: Man!
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Man, sorry. What Lieutenant lives in that castle over there?
WESLEY: I'm 15.
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: What?
WESLEY: I'm 15; I'm not old!
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Well I can't just call you `man'.
WESLEY: Well, you could say `Wesley'.
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Well, I didn't know you were called `Wesley'.
WESLEY: Well, you didn't bother to find out did you?
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: I did say sorry about the `old woman', but from the behind you looked...
WESLEY: What I object to is your automatically treating me like an inferior!
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Well, I am your Captain.
WESLEY: Oh Captain, eh, bravo. And how did you get that? By exploitin' your Captain; by hanging on to outdated maneuvers in order to protect your Captaincy! If there's every going to be any progress...
DATA: (In a high-pitched tone) Wesley there's some lovely filth down here. Oh, how do you do?
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: How do you do good man...
DATA: Lady!
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: (Shoots Scotty a perturbed look) How do you do good lady. I am Arthur, Captain of the Enterprise. Who's castle is that? (Scotty eye's Data with a disgusted look on his face)
DATA: Captain of the what?
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: The Enterprise.
DATA: What is the Enterprise?
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: The Enterprise is the starship I command, and you are all my crew members.
DATA: I didn't know we had a Captain. I thought we were an autonomous collective.
WESLEY: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship. A Starfleet organized autocracy, in which the subordinate officers...
DATA: Oh there you go bringing rank into it again.
WESLEY: That's what its all about if only people would...
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Please, please good people, I am in haste. Who lives in that castle?
DATA: No one lives there.
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Then who is your Commander?
DATA: We don't have a Commander.
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: What?
WESLEY: I told you. This is anarcho-syndicalist academy. We take it in turns as a dictator of the learning material for the week.
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Yes.
WESLEY: But all the decisions of that student must be ratified by a special biweely meeting.
CAPTIAN ARTHUR: Yes I see.
WESLEY: By consulting our own academy computer in case of purely internal teachings.
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Be quiet!
WESLEY: But by hacking into the ship's main computers for more advanced...
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
DATA: Order, eh? Who does he think he is?
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: I am your Captain!
DATA: Well I didn't vote for you.
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: You don't vote for Captains.
DATA: Well how did you become Captain then?
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: The U.S.S Stargazer, her crew locked in deadly battle with a ferengi vessel, was saved by a tactical maneuver of my own design, signifying by superior intelligence that I, Arthur, was to command the Enterprise. That is why I am your Captain!
WESLEY: Listen, strange ships, lying in space, firing photons on your pathetic Stargazer is no basis for a Captaincy. Supreme Captaincy power derives from a lifetime of higher learning, not from some dumb desperate maneuver.
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Be quiet!
WESLEY: Well, you can't expect to wield supreme executive power, because some profit craving butthead took a potshot at you!
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Shut up! (He begins to walk towards Wesley)
WESLEY: I mean if I went around saying that I was an admiral, because some drunken cloaked Klingon blew up my shuttlecraft they'd have me put away!
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: (He grabs Wesley's arms and locks them.) Shut up! Will you shut up!
WESLEY: Ah, now we see the apparent dislike and intolerance for children.
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Shut up! (He begins to tighten his grip in order to silence his captive)
WESLEY: Oh, come and see the Captain's apparent dislike and intolerance for children. HELP! HELP! I'm being repressed!
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: (Releases grip) Pesky brat!
WESLEY: Oh what a give away! Did you hear that, did you hear that, eh? That's what I'm talking about! (Turns to Data) Did you see him repressing me? You saw it didn't you?
(Arthur and Scotty ride off toward the castle. As they steadily approach, they come across a wooded area. They began their glorious approach through the woods to their destination.)
(As they are riding a sound reaches their ears. The sounds of battle noises. They ride toward the sounds and find two men in deadly combat. A black knight holding his own with a clean fencing sword, and a rather odd looking green knight with a with a visor strewn across the eyepiece to his helmet holding his own with a fencing sword and a with two weapons at his back. A mace and an axe.)
(Their swords meet for a long moment. They both swivel their swords from side to side in order to free the others grip. The green knight is successful in grounding the others sword, but the black knight moves up and gives him a sharp kick in the groin. The green knight retaliates with a punch that sends the black knght to the floor. The green knight picks up his mace and runs toward his foe. As he approaches he brings his deadly weapon down on his foe. The black knight barely blocks the blow with a quick block of his sword. The two struggle for a moment, and the black knight manages to knock the green knight to the side. They both stand to their feet. Finding his axe, the green knight holds it over his head and charges. The black knight notices the approach and throws his sword at his approaching foe. The sword makes an impossible flight through the air and cuts straight through the green knights visor and eyepiece. His foe falls to the ground, defeated.)
(Arthur shoots Scotty a worried expression and then glances back in time to see the black knight pull his sword out of the helmet. He has great difficulty plucking off the visor and throws it away in disgust.He then leans slightly against his sword in a defensive stance. At this time Arthur and Scotty cautiously make their approach.)
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: You fight with the strength of many men, Sir knight.
BLACK KNIGHT: (Stares forward)
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: I seek the finest and the bravest officers in the land to join me in my bridge of Enterprise.
BLACK KNIGHT: (Stares forward)
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: (Shoots Scotty an estranged look, then proceeds.) You have proved yourself worthy; will you join me?
BLACK KNIGHT: (Stares forward)
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: You make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy.
BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass. (The voice resembles none other than Hikaru Sulu.)
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: What?
SULU: None shall pass.
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: I have no quarrel with you, good Sir knight, but I must cross this bridge.
SULU: Then you shall die.
SCOTTY: Le'me at 'em, Captain! The laddie won't stand a chance..(Arthur restrains the combat-crazy scottsman.)
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: I command you as Captain of the Enterprise to stand aside! Make it SO!
SULU: I move for no man.
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: So be it!
(The two lock in deadly combat. Faint old series danger music can be heard in the background. They clash swords several times, until Picard gives his foe a swift blow on the head with the hilt of his sword. As they fight continues, Sulu swings his sword downward and missed, leaving himself open for attack. Picard then chops his left arm off.)
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Now stand aside, worthy adversary.
SULU: 'Tis but a scratch.
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: A scratch? Your arm's off!
SULU: No it isn't.
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Well, what's that then? (Arthur points toward his dismembered arm.)
SULU: I've had worse.
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: You liar!
SCOTTY: You unworthy piece of klingon CRAP! (Gives Sulu a menacing glare.)
SULU: Do you wish to join your fellow engineer among the dead? (Ignores the fighting-frenzied engineer. Turns back to Picard saying.) Come on you pansy!
(They clash swords again. Sulu makes a desperate lunge and Picard dodges to the left bringing his sword up. The sword cuts Sulu's right arm off.)
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Victory is mine. (Kneels) We thank thee Lord that in thy merc-
SULU: (Kicks Picard in the head while he is kneeling.) Come on then.
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: What?
SULU: Have at you!
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: You are indeed brave, Sir knight, but the fight is mine.
SULU: Oh, had enough, eh?
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Look, you stupid moron, you've got no arms left!
SULU: Yes I have.
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Look!
SULU: Just a flesh wound. (Kicks Picard square in the butt.)
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Look, stop that.
SULU: Chicken! Chicken!
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Look I'll have your leg. Right! (Picard whops Sulu's left leg off)
SULU: Right, I'll do you for that!
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: You'll what?
SULU: Come here!
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: What are you going to do, bleed on me?
SULU: I'm invincible!
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: You're a loony!
SULU: The black knight always triumphs! Have at you! (Stomps on his toe) Come on then.
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: (Chops Sulu's other leg off, leaving him a simple torso with a head.
SULU: (Looks down to see that all of his fighting appendages are gone) Alright; we'll call it a draw.
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Come, Scotty.
SULU: (As they ride off.) Oh, oh, i see, running away, eh? You yellow bald pathetic excuse for a captain! Come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bit your legs off!
SCOTTY: (Stops and looks around to check and see if the Captian was still looking and quickly introduces Sulu to his fist. The Black knight falls over, Scotty mumbles) Denevian slime devil... (Hurries to join the Captain.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Disclaimer: I don't own it..
Authors notes: A reenactment of Monty Python & the Holy Grail with the replacement of Star Trek characters and situations. Time has no meaning for the characters in this story.
Monty Picard & the
Holy Dilithium Crystal
Chapter 2
Written By: Q
(Arthur and Scotty are riding proudly along the English countryside, when they spot a castle. He rides towards it with a peasant in front of him.)
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Old woman!
WESLEY: Man!
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Man, sorry. What Lieutenant lives in that castle over there?
WESLEY: I'm 15.
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: What?
WESLEY: I'm 15; I'm not old!
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Well I can't just call you `man'.
WESLEY: Well, you could say `Wesley'.
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Well, I didn't know you were called `Wesley'.
WESLEY: Well, you didn't bother to find out did you?
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: I did say sorry about the `old woman', but from the behind you looked...
WESLEY: What I object to is your automatically treating me like an inferior!
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Well, I am your Captain.
WESLEY: Oh Captain, eh, bravo. And how did you get that? By exploitin' your Captain; by hanging on to outdated maneuvers in order to protect your Captaincy! If there's every going to be any progress...
DATA: (In a high-pitched tone) Wesley there's some lovely filth down here. Oh, how do you do?
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: How do you do good man...
DATA: Lady!
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: (Shoots Scotty a perturbed look) How do you do good lady. I am Arthur, Captain of the Enterprise. Who's castle is that? (Scotty eye's Data with a disgusted look on his face)
DATA: Captain of the what?
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: The Enterprise.
DATA: What is the Enterprise?
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: The Enterprise is the starship I command, and you are all my crew members.
DATA: I didn't know we had a Captain. I thought we were an autonomous collective.
WESLEY: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship. A Starfleet organized autocracy, in which the subordinate officers...
DATA: Oh there you go bringing rank into it again.
WESLEY: That's what its all about if only people would...
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Please, please good people, I am in haste. Who lives in that castle?
DATA: No one lives there.
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Then who is your Commander?
DATA: We don't have a Commander.
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: What?
WESLEY: I told you. This is anarcho-syndicalist academy. We take it in turns as a dictator of the learning material for the week.
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Yes.
WESLEY: But all the decisions of that student must be ratified by a special biweely meeting.
CAPTIAN ARTHUR: Yes I see.
WESLEY: By consulting our own academy computer in case of purely internal teachings.
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Be quiet!
WESLEY: But by hacking into the ship's main computers for more advanced...
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
DATA: Order, eh? Who does he think he is?
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: I am your Captain!
DATA: Well I didn't vote for you.
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: You don't vote for Captains.
DATA: Well how did you become Captain then?
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: The U.S.S Stargazer, her crew locked in deadly battle with a ferengi vessel, was saved by a tactical maneuver of my own design, signifying by superior intelligence that I, Arthur, was to command the Enterprise. That is why I am your Captain!
WESLEY: Listen, strange ships, lying in space, firing photons on your pathetic Stargazer is no basis for a Captaincy. Supreme Captaincy power derives from a lifetime of higher learning, not from some dumb desperate maneuver.
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Be quiet!
WESLEY: Well, you can't expect to wield supreme executive power, because some profit craving butthead took a potshot at you!
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Shut up! (He begins to walk towards Wesley)
WESLEY: I mean if I went around saying that I was an admiral, because some drunken cloaked Klingon blew up my shuttlecraft they'd have me put away!
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: (He grabs Wesley's arms and locks them.) Shut up! Will you shut up!
WESLEY: Ah, now we see the apparent dislike and intolerance for children.
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Shut up! (He begins to tighten his grip in order to silence his captive)
WESLEY: Oh, come and see the Captain's apparent dislike and intolerance for children. HELP! HELP! I'm being repressed!
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: (Releases grip) Pesky brat!
WESLEY: Oh what a give away! Did you hear that, did you hear that, eh? That's what I'm talking about! (Turns to Data) Did you see him repressing me? You saw it didn't you?
(Arthur and Scotty ride off toward the castle. As they steadily approach, they come across a wooded area. They began their glorious approach through the woods to their destination.)
(As they are riding a sound reaches their ears. The sounds of battle noises. They ride toward the sounds and find two men in deadly combat. A black knight holding his own with a clean fencing sword, and a rather odd looking green knight with a with a visor strewn across the eyepiece to his helmet holding his own with a fencing sword and a with two weapons at his back. A mace and an axe.)
(Their swords meet for a long moment. They both swivel their swords from side to side in order to free the others grip. The green knight is successful in grounding the others sword, but the black knight moves up and gives him a sharp kick in the groin. The green knight retaliates with a punch that sends the black knght to the floor. The green knight picks up his mace and runs toward his foe. As he approaches he brings his deadly weapon down on his foe. The black knight barely blocks the blow with a quick block of his sword. The two struggle for a moment, and the black knight manages to knock the green knight to the side. They both stand to their feet. Finding his axe, the green knight holds it over his head and charges. The black knight notices the approach and throws his sword at his approaching foe. The sword makes an impossible flight through the air and cuts straight through the green knights visor and eyepiece. His foe falls to the ground, defeated.)
(Arthur shoots Scotty a worried expression and then glances back in time to see the black knight pull his sword out of the helmet. He has great difficulty plucking off the visor and throws it away in disgust.He then leans slightly against his sword in a defensive stance. At this time Arthur and Scotty cautiously make their approach.)
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: You fight with the strength of many men, Sir knight.
BLACK KNIGHT: (Stares forward)
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: I seek the finest and the bravest officers in the land to join me in my bridge of Enterprise.
BLACK KNIGHT: (Stares forward)
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: (Shoots Scotty an estranged look, then proceeds.) You have proved yourself worthy; will you join me?
BLACK KNIGHT: (Stares forward)
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: You make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy.
BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass. (The voice resembles none other than Hikaru Sulu.)
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: What?
SULU: None shall pass.
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: I have no quarrel with you, good Sir knight, but I must cross this bridge.
SULU: Then you shall die.
SCOTTY: Le'me at 'em, Captain! The laddie won't stand a chance..(Arthur restrains the combat-crazy scottsman.)
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: I command you as Captain of the Enterprise to stand aside! Make it SO!
SULU: I move for no man.
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: So be it!
(The two lock in deadly combat. Faint old series danger music can be heard in the background. They clash swords several times, until Picard gives his foe a swift blow on the head with the hilt of his sword. As they fight continues, Sulu swings his sword downward and missed, leaving himself open for attack. Picard then chops his left arm off.)
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Now stand aside, worthy adversary.
SULU: 'Tis but a scratch.
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: A scratch? Your arm's off!
SULU: No it isn't.
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Well, what's that then? (Arthur points toward his dismembered arm.)
SULU: I've had worse.
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: You liar!
SCOTTY: You unworthy piece of klingon CRAP! (Gives Sulu a menacing glare.)
SULU: Do you wish to join your fellow engineer among the dead? (Ignores the fighting-frenzied engineer. Turns back to Picard saying.) Come on you pansy!
(They clash swords again. Sulu makes a desperate lunge and Picard dodges to the left bringing his sword up. The sword cuts Sulu's right arm off.)
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Victory is mine. (Kneels) We thank thee Lord that in thy merc-
SULU: (Kicks Picard in the head while he is kneeling.) Come on then.
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: What?
SULU: Have at you!
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: You are indeed brave, Sir knight, but the fight is mine.
SULU: Oh, had enough, eh?
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Look, you stupid moron, you've got no arms left!
SULU: Yes I have.
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Look!
SULU: Just a flesh wound. (Kicks Picard square in the butt.)
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Look, stop that.
SULU: Chicken! Chicken!
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Look I'll have your leg. Right! (Picard whops Sulu's left leg off)
SULU: Right, I'll do you for that!
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: You'll what?
SULU: Come here!
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: What are you going to do, bleed on me?
SULU: I'm invincible!
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: You're a loony!
SULU: The black knight always triumphs! Have at you! (Stomps on his toe) Come on then.
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: (Chops Sulu's other leg off, leaving him a simple torso with a head.
SULU: (Looks down to see that all of his fighting appendages are gone) Alright; we'll call it a draw.
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Come, Scotty.
SULU: (As they ride off.) Oh, oh, i see, running away, eh? You yellow bald pathetic excuse for a captain! Come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bit your legs off!
SCOTTY: (Stops and looks around to check and see if the Captian was still looking and quickly introduces Sulu to his fist. The Black knight falls over, Scotty mumbles) Denevian slime devil... (Hurries to join the Captain.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Disclaimer: I don't own it..
(Arthur and Scotty are riding proudly along the English countryside, when they spot a castle. He rides towards it with a peasant in front of him.)
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Old woman!
WESLEY: Man!
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Man, sorry. What Lieutenant lives in that castle over there?
WESLEY: I'm 15.
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: What?
WESLEY: I'm 15; I'm not old!
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Well I can't just call you `man'.
WESLEY: Well, you could say `Wesley'.
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Well, I didn't know you were called `Wesley'.
WESLEY: Well, you didn't bother to find out did you?
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: I did say sorry about the `old woman', but from the behind you looked...
WESLEY: What I object to is your automatically treating me like an inferior!
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Well, I am your Captain.
WESLEY: Oh Captain, eh, bravo. And how did you get that? By exploitin' your Captain; by hanging on to outdated maneuvers in order to protect your Captaincy! If there's every going to be any progress...
DATA: (In a high-pitched tone) Wesley there's some lovely filth down here. Oh, how do you do?
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: How do you do good man...
DATA: Lady!
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: (Shoots Scotty a perturbed look) How do you do good lady. I am Arthur, Captain of the Enterprise. Who's castle is that? (Scotty eye's Data with a disgusted look on his face)
DATA: Captain of the what?
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: The Enterprise.
DATA: What is the Enterprise?
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: The Enterprise is the starship I command, and you are all my crew members.
DATA: I didn't know we had a Captain. I thought we were an autonomous collective.
WESLEY: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship. A Starfleet organized autocracy, in which the subordinate officers...
DATA: Oh there you go bringing rank into it again.
WESLEY: That's what its all about if only people would...
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Please, please good people, I am in haste. Who lives in that castle?
DATA: No one lives there.
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Then who is your Commander?
DATA: We don't have a Commander.
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: What?
WESLEY: I told you. This is anarcho-syndicalist academy. We take it in turns as a dictator of the learning material for the week.
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Yes.
WESLEY: But all the decisions of that student must be ratified by a special biweely meeting.
CAPTIAN ARTHUR: Yes I see.
WESLEY: By consulting our own academy computer in case of purely internal teachings.
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Be quiet!
WESLEY: But by hacking into the ship's main computers for more advanced...
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
DATA: Order, eh? Who does he think he is?
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: I am your Captain!
DATA: Well I didn't vote for you.
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: You don't vote for Captains.
DATA: Well how did you become Captain then?
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: The U.S.S Stargazer, her crew locked in deadly battle with a ferengi vessel, was saved by a tactical maneuver of my own design, signifying by superior intelligence that I, Arthur, was to command the Enterprise. That is why I am your Captain!
WESLEY: Listen, strange ships, lying in space, firing photons on your pathetic Stargazer is no basis for a Captaincy. Supreme Captaincy power derives from a lifetime of higher learning, not from some dumb desperate maneuver.
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Be quiet!
WESLEY: Well, you can't expect to wield supreme executive power, because some profit craving butthead took a potshot at you!
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Shut up! (He begins to walk towards Wesley)
WESLEY: I mean if I went around saying that I was an admiral, because some drunken cloaked Klingon blew up my shuttlecraft they'd have me put away!
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: (He grabs Wesley's arms and locks them.) Shut up! Will you shut up!
WESLEY: Ah, now we see the apparent dislike and intolerance for children.
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Shut up! (He begins to tighten his grip in order to silence his captive)
WESLEY: Oh, come and see the Captain's apparent dislike and intolerance for children. HELP! HELP! I'm being repressed!
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: (Releases grip) Pesky brat!
WESLEY: Oh what a give away! Did you hear that, did you hear that, eh? That's what I'm talking about! (Turns to Data) Did you see him repressing me? You saw it didn't you?
(Arthur and Scotty ride off toward the castle. As they steadily approach, they come across a wooded area. They began their glorious approach through the woods to their destination.)
(As they are riding a sound reaches their ears. The sounds of battle noises. They ride toward the sounds and find two men in deadly combat. A black knight holding his own with a clean fencing sword, and a rather odd looking green knight with a with a visor strewn across the eyepiece to his helmet holding his own with a fencing sword and a with two weapons at his back. A mace and an axe.)
(Their swords meet for a long moment. They both swivel their swords from side to side in order to free the others grip. The green knight is successful in grounding the others sword, but the black knight moves up and gives him a sharp kick in the groin. The green knight retaliates with a punch that sends the black knght to the floor. The green knight picks up his mace and runs toward his foe. As he approaches he brings his deadly weapon down on his foe. The black knight barely blocks the blow with a quick block of his sword. The two struggle for a moment, and the black knight manages to knock the green knight to the side. They both stand to their feet. Finding his axe, the green knight holds it over his head and charges. The black knight notices the approach and throws his sword at his approaching foe. The sword makes an impossible flight through the air and cuts straight through the green knights visor and eyepiece. His foe falls to the ground, defeated.)
(Arthur shoots Scotty a worried expression and then glances back in time to see the black knight pull his sword out of the helmet. He has great difficulty plucking off the visor and throws it away in disgust.He then leans slightly against his sword in a defensive stance. At this time Arthur and Scotty cautiously make their approach.)
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: You fight with the strength of many men, Sir knight.
BLACK KNIGHT: (Stares forward)
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: I seek the finest and the bravest officers in the land to join me in my bridge of Enterprise.
BLACK KNIGHT: (Stares forward)
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: (Shoots Scotty an estranged look, then proceeds.) You have proved yourself worthy; will you join me?
BLACK KNIGHT: (Stares forward)
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: You make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy.
BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass. (The voice resembles none other than Hikaru Sulu.)
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: What?
SULU: None shall pass.
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: I have no quarrel with you, good Sir knight, but I must cross this bridge.
SULU: Then you shall die.
SCOTTY: Le'me at 'em, Captain! The laddie won't stand a chance..(Arthur restrains the combat-crazy scottsman.)
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: I command you as Captain of the Enterprise to stand aside! Make it SO!
SULU: I move for no man.
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: So be it!
(The two lock in deadly combat. Faint old series danger music can be heard in the background. They clash swords several times, until Picard gives his foe a swift blow on the head with the hilt of his sword. As they fight continues, Sulu swings his sword downward and missed, leaving himself open for attack. Picard then chops his left arm off.)
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Now stand aside, worthy adversary.
SULU: 'Tis but a scratch.
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: A scratch? Your arm's off!
SULU: No it isn't.
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Well, what's that then? (Arthur points toward his dismembered arm.)
SULU: I've had worse.
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: You liar!
SCOTTY: You unworthy piece of klingon CRAP! (Gives Sulu a menacing glare.)
SULU: Do you wish to join your fellow engineer among the dead? (Ignores the fighting-frenzied engineer. Turns back to Picard saying.) Come on you pansy!
(They clash swords again. Sulu makes a desperate lunge and Picard dodges to the left bringing his sword up. The sword cuts Sulu's right arm off.)
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Victory is mine. (Kneels) We thank thee Lord that in thy merc-
SULU: (Kicks Picard in the head while he is kneeling.) Come on then.
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: What?
SULU: Have at you!
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: You are indeed brave, Sir knight, but the fight is mine.
SULU: Oh, had enough, eh?
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Look, you stupid moron, you've got no arms left!
SULU: Yes I have.
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Look!
SULU: Just a flesh wound. (Kicks Picard square in the butt.)
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Look, stop that.
SULU: Chicken! Chicken!
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Look I'll have your leg. Right! (Picard whops Sulu's left leg off)
SULU: Right, I'll do you for that!
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: You'll what?
SULU: Come here!
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: What are you going to do, bleed on me?
SULU: I'm invincible!
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: You're a loony!
SULU: The black knight always triumphs! Have at you! (Stomps on his toe) Come on then.
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: (Chops Sulu's other leg off, leaving him a simple torso with a head.
SULU: (Looks down to see that all of his fighting appendages are gone) Alright; we'll call it a draw.
CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Come, Scotty.
SULU: (As they ride off.) Oh, oh, i see, running away, eh? You yellow bald pathetic excuse for a captain! Come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bit your legs off!
SCOTTY: (Stops and looks around to check and see if the Captian was still looking and quickly introduces Sulu to his fist. The Black knight falls over, Scotty mumbles) Denevian slime devil... (Hurries to join the Captain.)
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Disclaimer: I don't own it..
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