Monty Python and the Holy Dilithium Crystal Chapter 3

Q

(Several hundred klingons are standing in a circle with phasers set on stun. They began to chant some song in Klingon. As the first two lines of the songs are completed they shoot the phasers amidst themselves. Thirty Klingons fall and in the distance several red shirts fall are hit with the phaser. The sing another line and shoot more beams. Twenty fall along with a red shirt, some friend of Kirk's in the distant past, a Romulan, and a girl Kirk dated...um...say three-and-a-half years ago. They chant some more and shoot again. This time twenty-five fall followed by Sulu's dog, Mudd, and a tribble. They sing the last line of the song and aim at themselves. The remainder of the Klingons fall.)

In the distance could be heard...

CROWD: A borg! A borg! (A crowd begins barging through the streets holding tight to a struggling borg in the midst of them.)

KIRK: We've got a borg!

CROWD: A borg! (The crowd drifts toward a very intelligent logical vulcan who appears to be testing the theory of tricorders time travelling)

O'BRIAN: We have found a borg, might we blow him up!

CROWD: Blow him up! Boom! Explosian!

SIR SPOCK: How do you know he is a borg?

KIRK: He looks like one.

SIR SPOCK: Bring him forward. (Crowd pushes the borg towards Spock.)

LOCUTUS: I'm not a borg. I'm not a borg.

SIR SPOCK: But you are dressed as one.

LOCUTUS: They dressed me up like this.

CROWD: No we didn't--no--not at all.

LOCUTUS: And these aren't my implants they're false ones.

SIR SPOCK: (He lifts up the fake implants to reveal picards shiny head, then nonchalantly sets it back down. Adressing the crowd he continues.) Well?

O'BRIAN: Well we did do the implants.

SIR SPOCK: The implants?

O'BRIAN: And the flashy laser thing--but he is a borg!

CROWD: Blow him up! Borg! Borg! Blow him up! Sky high!

SIR SPOCK: Did you dress him up like this?

CROWD: No, no, no...yes...a bit, a bit.

O'BRIAN: He is kind of pale.

KIRK: (Quickly points at Picard's face for proof.)

SIR SPOCK: What makes you think he is a borg?

WORF: Well, he assimilated me!

SIR SPOCK: Assimilated you?

WORF: (Looks around in thoughtfulness) I got better.

KIRK: Blow him up anyway!

CROWD: Blow him up! Exposion! Blow him up!

SIR SPOCK: Quiet, quiet. Quiet! There are ways of telling whether he is a borg.

CROWD: Are there? Why then tell us. What are they?

KIRK: Does they hurt?

SIR SPOCK: Tell me, what do you do with borgs?

KIRK: Blow them sky high!

CROWD: Blow them up! Blooooooooooo....

SPOCK: And what do you blow up apart from borgs?

KIRK: More borgs!

O'BRIAN: (Smacks him) Shhhhh!

WORF: Their ship!

SIR SPOCK: So, why do borgs blow up?

CROWD: (Everybody is suddenly stunned. A deep pensiveness broods over the entire lot of Starfleet officers.)

WORF: B-...'cause their made of...thier ship?

SIR SPOCK: Good!

CROWD: Oh yeah. That's right.

SIR SPOCK: So how do we tell whether he is made of his ship?

O'BRIAN: Build a cube out of him!

SIR SPOCK: Ahh, but can you not also make cubes out of wooden blocks?

KIRK: Oh yeah.

SIR SPOCK: Do borgs die easily?

O'BRIAN: No, no.

KIRK: They adapt! They adapt!

O'BRIAN: Throw him into the phaser banks!

CROWD: Phaser banks! Phaser banks!

SIR SPOCK: What also adapts?

O'BRIAN: Chamaleons.

KIRK: Klingons.

WORF: Captains.

O'BRIAN: Keiko.

KIRK: Uhhh...tribbles.

O'BRIAN: Subsace anomalies.

WORF: Q's! Q's!

KIRK: Odo! Odo!

KING PICARD: An artificial life form.

CROWD: Ooooooo...

SIR SPOCK: Exactly! So logically...

O'BRIAN: If...he...weighs the same as an artificial life form, then he's made of his ship.

SIR SPOCK: And therefore?

CROWD: A borg! A borg! A borg!

SIR SPOCK: We shall use my largest scales.

CROWD: (They grab Locutus and drag him towards Spock's scales. From within the crowd they drag out Data. They place them both carefully on each side of the scale.

SIR SPOCK: Right. REMOVE THE SUPPORTS!

(Two large officers hammer the large supports. The scales creak up and down for a moment, then they finally break even.)

CROWD: A borg! A borg!

LOCUTUS: Make it so.

CROWD: Blow him up!

KIRK: Bloooooow him up!

SIR SPOCK: (He turns to King Picard) Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?

KING PICARD: I am Arthur, Captain of the castle Enterprise.

SIR SPOCK: My liege.

KING PICARD: Good Sir Science officer, will you come with me to the Enterprise, and join us on the bridge?

SIR SPOCK: My liege! I would be honored. It is a most logical move.

KING PICARD: What is your name?

SIR SPOCK: Spock, my liege.

KING PICARD: (He takes out his phaser and lightly taps him on each shoulder.) Then I dub you Sir Spock, Knight and Science officer of the bridge. And the best thing that happened to Star Trek since the enterprise was first fathomed.

Q: The wise Sir Spock was the first to join King Picard's officers, but other illustrious names were soon to follow: Sir Riker the Brave and Handsome; Sir Kirk the Chick Magnet; and Sir Julian the not-so-brave-as-Sir-Riker who had nearly fought the Cardassians, who had nearly stood up to the viscous Security officer of Deep Space Nine, and who had personally wet himself as the Klingons fired upon the space station; and aptly Sir-not-appearing-in-this-skit. (Holds up a picture of Neelix.) Together they form a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries, the officers of the Enterprise.

SIR SPOCK: And that, my liege, is how we know that the old space stations to be shaped like a baby rattler.

KING PICARD: This new learning amazes me, Sir Spock. Explain again how mythical gods from other planets who fall in love with lady officers can be stopped by blowing up thier temple.

SIR SPOCK: Oh, certainly, sir.

SIR RIKER: Look my liege!

KING PICARD: Enterprise!

SIR KIRK: Enterprise!

SIR RIKER: Enterprise!

SCOTTY: It's only a model hung upside down on a piece of string in a dark room.

KING PICARD: Knights, I bid you welcome to your knew home. Let us ride to Enterprise!

(Music starts up on the enterprise. The officers of the enterprise begin singing.)

We're Sirs of the Enterprise. The place where the red shirt dies. We wear black jeans, During fighting scenes, In which we fight the bad guys. Though faced with wierd guys every year. We don't weep or sigh or shed a tear.

(Several officers in line in Ten-forward dance about in kick their legs, while Cardassians are spinning in the background and the klingons in a choir join in with the singing)

We're sirs of the Enterprise. Where we entertain you guys. But other shows, With stupid foes, We know are not for your eyes. We're a busy lot here at Starfleet. Making sure our captain's seat is neat.

(There is more crazy dancing and swinging. In the background the holographic Doc is seen hanging from chains in sickbay. He is clapping along with the beat as well.)

Oh we're strong, cool, and wise. Ready to face flinging pies. If we had a dime, For every time, Kirk kissed a girl and she dies. We'd be rich officers on the bridge. (Worf solo) What do you all think of my cool riiiiiiidge?

(The music abruptly ends)

KING PICARD: Well on second thought, let us not go to the enterprise. Tis a silly place.

ALL THE OFFICERS: Right.