Authors notes: Here is another funny addition to the Monty Picard collection. It holds the 'Tale of Sir Kirk the Chick Magnet'! Hope you like it!
Monty Picard and the Holy Dilithium Crystal
Chapter 6
Written By: Q
THE TALE OF SIR KIRK THE CHICK MAGNET
(Kirk is beaten down by a visious storm on the planet Altair MMCMXLVIII. He fights the winds and rain with his strong will of survival. Amidst this struggle he turns his eyes up and the unexpected suddenly happens. He sees a holo-projection of the Holy Dilithium Crystal above a castle he had been struggling to reach. He slowly makes his way towards this castle and reaches the door. With all of his might he knocks on the door.)
KIRK: Open the door! Open the door! In the name of Captain King Arthur Jean-Luc Picard open the door!
(The door slowly opens and Kirk falls through the opening.)
GIRL'S VOICES: Hello!
(Kirk looks up and sees that he is in a castle filled with girls. It seems that he has hit it lucky this time.)
DEANNA: Welcome gentle Sir knight, welcome to the Castle Excelsior.
KIRK: The castle Excelsior?
DEANNA: Yes...oh, it's kind of an old name isn't it? Oh! but we are nice and we shall attend to your every, every need!
KIRK: Are you the keepers of the Holy Dilithium Crystal?
DEANNA: The what?
KIRK: The Crystal...it is here?
DEANNA: Oh, but you are tired, and you must rest awhile. Jadzia! Ro!
JADZIA and RO: Yes, Deanna?
DEANNA: Prepare a bed for our guest.
JADZIA: Oh, thank you!
RO: Thank you!
JADZIA: Thank you!
RO: Thank you!
JADZIA: Thank you!
RO: Thank you!
DEANNA: Away away starfleet officers. The beds here are warm and comfortable, and you may find you like it here.
KIRK: Well, look, I-I-uh...
DEANNA: What is your name handsome knight?
KIRK: Sir Kirk...the chick magnet.
DEANNA: Mine is Deanna the Betazoid. Oh, but come!
KIRK: Look please! Show me the grail!
DEANNA: I feel pain; you have suffered much and you are delirious!
KIRK: Look...I...have seen it! It is here, in the...
DEANNA: Sir Kirk! You would not be so bold as to refuse our hospitality.
KIRK: Well, I-I-uh...
DEANNA: (Grabbing Kirk and pulling him towards the stairs.) Oh I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but forty young Starfleet officers, cut off in this castle with no one to protect us! Oh, it is a lonely life, reading minds, working communications, looking pretty, wearing mini-skirts... We are not used to handsome knights.
(Kirk sees he is being directed to a rather comfortable looking sick bay. He struggles momentarily.)
DEANNA: Nay, nay, come, you may lie here. Oh but you are wounded! And you are in pain!
KIRK: No, no...it's nothing!
DEANNA: Oh but you must see the doctors immediately!
(Kirk struggles some more and then relents.)
DEANNA: No, no, please, lie down. (She claps.)
(Kira and Beverly walk in.)
KIRA: Ah. What seems to be the trouble?
KIRK: Their doctors!?
DEANNA: Uh...they've had a basic medical training.
KIRK: B-but...
DEANNA: Oh, come, you must try to rest! Doctor Kira, Doctor Beverly, practice your art.
(They first make him use the pushy foot pedal thing then they take off his shirt to check his scars.)
BEVERLY: Try to relax.
KIRK: (Grabbing his shirt) Are you sure that's absolutely necessary?
BEVERLY: We must examine you. (Takes the shirt back.)
KIRK: But there's nothing wrong with...
BEVERLY: Please, we are doctors. (Reaches out to touch his scar)
KIRK: (Reacts and jumps into bed.) You cannot be!
BEVERLY: Back to your bed!
KIRK: Torment me no longer! I have seen the Holy Dilithium Crystal!
BEVERLY: There's no Holy Crystal here.
KIRK: I have seen it! I have seen it! (Runs out of the room.) I have seen...
(He finally finds himself in a room surrounded by girls. He almost cannot stand it any longer.)
JADZIA: Hello.
RO: Hello.
UHURA: Hello.
YEOMAN JANICE: Hello.
JANEWAY: Hello.
(Kirk suddenly spots Deanna.)
KIRK: Deanna!
TROI: No, I am Deanna's identical twin sister, Troi.
KIRK: Oh, well, excuse me, I...
TROI: Where are you going?
KIRK: I seek the Holy Dilithium Crystal! I have seen it, here in this castle!
TROI: Oh no! Oh no! Bad, bad Deanna!
KIRK: What is it?
TROI: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Deanna! She had been playing with our new holographic game at the top of the castle, and it portrays the prize as the Holy Dilithium Crystal.
KIRK: (In disbelief.) It's not the real Dilithium Crystal?
TROI: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Deanna! Oh, she is a naughty girl, and she must pay the penalty--and here in the Excelsior, we have but one punishment for setting messing with Crystal bearing games. You must strap her to a medical bed and kiss her!
GIRLS: A kiss scene! A kiss scene!
TROI: You must kiss her well. And after you have kissed her, you can kiss her again. And then...kiss me.
JADZIA: And me!
KIRA: And me!
RO: And me!
TROI: Yes, yes, you must give us all a good kissing!
GIRLS: A kissing! A kissing!
TROI: And after the kissing, then comes the cuddling.
GIRLS: The cuddling! The cuddling!
KIRK: (Now fully interested.) Well I could stay a bit longer.
(Suddenly the door flys open and Riker and Geordi fly into the room.)
RIKER: Sir Kirk!
KIRK: Oh, hello.
GEORDI: Quick!
KIRK: What?
RIKER: Quick! (Pulls out a phaser.)
KIRK: Why?
RIKER: You're in great peril.
TROI: No he isn't. You've just interupted our kiss scene!
GEORDI: Kiss scene?
RIKER: Kiss scene?
TROI: (Walks up to Riker.) Yeah, pretty boy...kiss scene.
RIKER: (Smiles) Well in that case I could stay a bit...
GEORDI: Look we must... (Stops as Uhura walks up smiles and puts her arms around him.) Well maybe...
(Suddenly as the peril almost is upon them Data flys into the room and grabs our three heroes.)
DATA: (Pulls out his phaser.) We must escape from this peril.
TROI: What peril?
DATA: (Points phaser) Away foul temptress!
KIRK: Now look its not that importatnt...
DATA: Quick! Come on I'll cover your escape!
RIKER: Look we're fine!
DATA: Come on!
GEORDI: Data, we can tackle this lot single-handed!
TROI: Yes, let them tackle us single-handed!
DATA: No, Geordi, come on.
RIKER: No really, we can cope.
KIRK: We can handle this lot easily!
DEANNA: Yes let them handle us easily.
GEORDI: We can beat them!
KIRK: Yeah, there's only one forty of them!
TROI: Yes, yes, he'll beat us easily, we haven't a chance.
(Data finally manages to make it out of the castle.
TROI: Shoot....
DATA: I was in the nick of time, you were in great peril.
GEORDI: I don't think we were.
DATA: Yes you were, you were in terrible peril.
RIKER: Look, let me go back there and face the peril.
DATA: No, it's too perilous.
KIRK: Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can.
DATA: No, we've got to find the Holy Dilithium Crystal. Come on!
KIRK: Well, let me have just a little bit of peril?
DATA: No, it's unhealthy.
RIKER: Bet you're gay!
DATA: No I'm not.
Q: Sir Data had saved Sir Kirk, Sir Data, and Sir Geordi from almost certain temptation, but they were still no nearer the Dilithium Crystal. Meanwhile, Jean-Luc Picard and Sir Spock, not more than a tricorder's flight away, had discovered something. Oh, that's a tricorder hurled at warp 9.3, obviously. I mean they were more than two tricorder flights away if it were hurled by a mad Klingon. Four really if they were wearing it was an artificial life-form with magnetic boots on a low-class starship. I mean if only the impulse was used and his strength was drained.
Officers: Get on with it!
Q: Oh, anyway, on to the last part of Chapter 6, which is a smashing scene with some lovely acting, in which Jean-Luc discovers a vital clue, in which their aren't any tricorders, although I think you can hear a communicator.
Q CONTINUUM: Shut up!
(In a small tent we see Jean-Luc and Sir Spock talking to an old worn-out man with a tattered starfleet uniform. And this time he's really old!
MCCOY: Ah, hee hee he ha!
JEAN-LUC PICARD: And this enchanter of whom you speak, he has seen the Dilithium Crystal?
MCCOY: Ha ha ha hee hee ho ho ha ha haaaaa!
JEAN-LUC PICARD: Where does he live? Old man, where does he live?
MCCOY: Mccoy!
JEAN-LUC PICARD: Sorry, Mccoy. Where does he live?
MCCOY: Hee hee hee hah hah. He knows of a black hole, a black hole which no man has entered.
JEAN-LUC PICARD: Really? No man?
MCCOY: Yeah, girls dig this place!
JEAN-LUC PICARD: And the Dilithium Crystal...the dilithium crystal is there?
MCCOY: There is much danger, for beyond the black hole lies the ameoba of eternal peril, which no one has ever crossed through.
JEAN-LUC PICARD: But the Dilithium Crystal! Where is the Dilithium Crystal?
MCCOY: Your looking for the antimatter passageway.
JEAN-LUC PICARD: The antimatter passageway which leads to the Dilithium Crystal?
MCCOY: (A transporter beam envelops him.) Hee hee ha ha hmm ha ha!
(Spock flips up his helmet in disbelief.)
Authors notes: Here is another funny addition to the Monty Picard collection. It holds the 'Tale of Sir Kirk the Chick Magnet'! Hope you like it!
Monty Picard and the Holy Dilithium Crystal
Chapter 6
Written By: Q
THE TALE OF SIR KIRK THE CHICK MAGNET
(Kirk is beaten down by a visious storm on the planet Altair MMCMXLVIII. He fights the winds and rain with his strong will of survival. Amidst this struggle he turns his eyes up and the unexpected suddenly happens. He sees a holo-projection of the Holy Dilithium Crystal above a castle he had been struggling to reach. He slowly makes his way towards this castle and reaches the door. With all of his might he knocks on the door.)
KIRK: Open the door! Open the door! In the name of Captain King Arthur Jean-Luc Picard open the door!
(The door slowly opens and Kirk falls through the opening.)
GIRL'S VOICES: Hello!
(Kirk looks up and sees that he is in a castle filled with girls. It seems that he has hit it lucky this time.)
DEANNA: Welcome gentle Sir knight, welcome to the Castle Excelsior.
KIRK: The castle Excelsior?
DEANNA: Yes...oh, it's kind of an old name isn't it? Oh! but we are nice and we shall attend to your every, every need!
KIRK: Are you the keepers of the Holy Dilithium Crystal?
DEANNA: The what?
KIRK: The Crystal...it is here?
DEANNA: Oh, but you are tired, and you must rest awhile. Jadzia! Ro!
JADZIA and RO: Yes, Deanna?
DEANNA: Prepare a bed for our guest.
JADZIA: Oh, thank you!
RO: Thank you!
JADZIA: Thank you!
RO: Thank you!
JADZIA: Thank you!
RO: Thank you!
DEANNA: Away away starfleet officers. The beds here are warm and comfortable, and you may find you like it here.
KIRK: Well, look, I-I-uh...
DEANNA: What is your name handsome knight?
KIRK: Sir Kirk...the chick magnet.
DEANNA: Mine is Deanna the Betazoid. Oh, but come!
KIRK: Look please! Show me the grail!
DEANNA: I feel pain; you have suffered much and you are delirious!
KIRK: Look...I...have seen it! It is here, in the...
DEANNA: Sir Kirk! You would not be so bold as to refuse our hospitality.
KIRK: Well, I-I-uh...
DEANNA: (Grabbing Kirk and pulling him towards the stairs.) Oh I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but forty young Starfleet officers, cut off in this castle with no one to protect us! Oh, it is a lonely life, reading minds, working communications, looking pretty, wearing mini-skirts... We are not used to handsome knights.
(Kirk sees he is being directed to a rather comfortable looking sick bay. He struggles momentarily.)
DEANNA: Nay, nay, come, you may lie here. Oh but you are wounded! And you are in pain!
KIRK: No, no...it's nothing!
DEANNA: Oh but you must see the doctors immediately!
(Kirk struggles some more and then relents.)
DEANNA: No, no, please, lie down. (She claps.)
(Kira and Beverly walk in.)
KIRA: Ah. What seems to be the trouble?
KIRK: Their doctors!?
DEANNA: Uh...they've had a basic medical training.
KIRK: B-but...
DEANNA: Oh, come, you must try to rest! Doctor Kira, Doctor Beverly, practice your art.
(They first make him use the pushy foot pedal thing then they take off his shirt to check his scars.)
BEVERLY: Try to relax.
KIRK: (Grabbing his shirt) Are you sure that's absolutely necessary?
BEVERLY: We must examine you. (Takes the shirt back.)
KIRK: But there's nothing wrong with...
BEVERLY: Please, we are doctors. (Reaches out to touch his scar)
KIRK: (Reacts and jumps into bed.) You cannot be!
BEVERLY: Back to your bed!
KIRK: Torment me no longer! I have seen the Holy Dilithium Crystal!
BEVERLY: There's no Holy Crystal here.
KIRK: I have seen it! I have seen it! (Runs out of the room.) I have seen...
(He finally finds himself in a room surrounded by girls. He almost cannot stand it any longer.)
JADZIA: Hello.
RO: Hello.
UHURA: Hello.
YEOMAN JANICE: Hello.
JANEWAY: Hello.
(Kirk suddenly spots Deanna.)
KIRK: Deanna!
TROI: No, I am Deanna's identical twin sister, Troi.
KIRK: Oh, well, excuse me, I...
TROI: Where are you going?
KIRK: I seek the Holy Dilithium Crystal! I have seen it, here in this castle!
TROI: Oh no! Oh no! Bad, bad Deanna!
KIRK: What is it?
TROI: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Deanna! She had been playing with our new holographic game at the top of the castle, and it portrays the prize as the Holy Dilithium Crystal.
KIRK: (In disbelief.) It's not the real Dilithium Crystal?
TROI: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Deanna! Oh, she is a naughty girl, and she must pay the penalty--and here in the Excelsior, we have but one punishment for setting messing with Crystal bearing games. You must strap her to a medical bed and kiss her!
GIRLS: A kiss scene! A kiss scene!
TROI: You must kiss her well. And after you have kissed her, you can kiss her again. And then...kiss me.
JADZIA: And me!
KIRA: And me!
RO: And me!
TROI: Yes, yes, you must give us all a good kissing!
GIRLS: A kissing! A kissing!
TROI: And after the kissing, then comes the cuddling.
GIRLS: The cuddling! The cuddling!
KIRK: (Now fully interested.) Well I could stay a bit longer.
(Suddenly the door flys open and Riker and Geordi fly into the room.)
RIKER: Sir Kirk!
KIRK: Oh, hello.
GEORDI: Quick!
KIRK: What?
RIKER: Quick! (Pulls out a phaser.)
KIRK: Why?
RIKER: You're in great peril.
TROI: No he isn't. You've just interupted our kiss scene!
GEORDI: Kiss scene?
RIKER: Kiss scene?
TROI: (Walks up to Riker.) Yeah, pretty boy...kiss scene.
RIKER: (Smiles) Well in that case I could stay a bit...
GEORDI: Look we must... (Stops as Uhura walks up smiles and puts her arms around him.) Well maybe...
(Suddenly as the peril almost is upon them Data flys into the room and grabs our three heroes.)
DATA: (Pulls out his phaser.) We must escape from this peril.
TROI: What peril?
DATA: (Points phaser) Away foul temptress!
KIRK: Now look its not that importatnt...
DATA: Quick! Come on I'll cover your escape!
RIKER: Look we're fine!
DATA: Come on!
GEORDI: Data, we can tackle this lot single-handed!
TROI: Yes, let them tackle us single-handed!
DATA: No, Geordi, come on.
RIKER: No really, we can cope.
KIRK: We can handle this lot easily!
DEANNA: Yes let them handle us easily.
GEORDI: We can beat them!
KIRK: Yeah, there's only one forty of them!
TROI: Yes, yes, he'll beat us easily, we haven't a chance.
(Data finally manages to make it out of the castle.
TROI: Shoot....
DATA: I was in the nick of time, you were in great peril.
GEORDI: I don't think we were.
DATA: Yes you were, you were in terrible peril.
RIKER: Look, let me go back there and face the peril.
DATA: No, it's too perilous.
KIRK: Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can.
DATA: No, we've got to find the Holy Dilithium Crystal. Come on!
KIRK: Well, let me have just a little bit of peril?
DATA: No, it's unhealthy.
RIKER: Bet you're gay!
DATA: No I'm not.
Q: Sir Data had saved Sir Kirk, Sir Data, and Sir Geordi from almost certain temptation, but they were still no nearer the Dilithium Crystal. Meanwhile, Jean-Luc Picard and Sir Spock, not more than a tricorder's flight away, had discovered something. Oh, that's a tricorder hurled at warp 9.3, obviously. I mean they were more than two tricorder flights away if it were hurled by a mad Klingon. Four really if they were wearing it was an artificial life-form with magnetic boots on a low-class starship. I mean if only the impulse was used and his strength was drained.
Officers: Get on with it!
Q: Oh, anyway, on to the last part of Chapter 6, which is a smashing scene with some lovely acting, in which Jean-Luc discovers a vital clue, in which their aren't any tricorders, although I think you can hear a communicator.
Q CONTINUUM: Shut up!
(In a small tent we see Jean-Luc and Sir Spock talking to an old worn-out man with a tattered starfleet uniform. And this time he's really old!
MCCOY: Ah, hee hee he ha!
JEAN-LUC PICARD: And this enchanter of whom you speak, he has seen the Dilithium Crystal?
MCCOY: Ha ha ha hee hee ho ho ha ha haaaaa!
JEAN-LUC PICARD: Where does he live? Old man, where does he live?
MCCOY: Mccoy!
JEAN-LUC PICARD: Sorry, Mccoy. Where does he live?
MCCOY: Hee hee hee hah hah. He knows of a black hole, a black hole which no man has entered.
JEAN-LUC PICARD: Really? No man?
MCCOY: Yeah, girls dig this place!
JEAN-LUC PICARD: And the Dilithium Crystal...the dilithium crystal is there?
MCCOY: There is much danger, for beyond the black hole lies the ameoba of eternal peril, which no one has ever crossed through.
JEAN-LUC PICARD: But the Dilithium Crystal! Where is the Dilithium Crystal?
MCCOY: Your looking for the antimatter passageway.
JEAN-LUC PICARD: The antimatter passageway which leads to the Dilithium Crystal?
MCCOY: (A transporter beam envelops him.) Hee hee ha ha hmm ha ha!
(Spock flips up his helmet in disbelief.)
THE TALE OF SIR KIRK THE CHICK MAGNET
(Kirk is beaten down by a visious storm on the planet Altair MMCMXLVIII. He fights the winds and rain with his strong will of survival. Amidst this struggle he turns his eyes up and the unexpected suddenly happens. He sees a holo-projection of the Holy Dilithium Crystal above a castle he had been struggling to reach. He slowly makes his way towards this castle and reaches the door. With all of his might he knocks on the door.)
KIRK: Open the door! Open the door! In the name of Captain King Arthur Jean-Luc Picard open the door!
(The door slowly opens and Kirk falls through the opening.)
GIRL'S VOICES: Hello!
(Kirk looks up and sees that he is in a castle filled with girls. It seems that he has hit it lucky this time.)
DEANNA: Welcome gentle Sir knight, welcome to the Castle Excelsior.
KIRK: The castle Excelsior?
DEANNA: Yes...oh, it's kind of an old name isn't it? Oh! but we are nice and we shall attend to your every, every need!
KIRK: Are you the keepers of the Holy Dilithium Crystal?
DEANNA: The what?
KIRK: The Crystal...it is here?
DEANNA: Oh, but you are tired, and you must rest awhile. Jadzia! Ro!
JADZIA and RO: Yes, Deanna?
DEANNA: Prepare a bed for our guest.
JADZIA: Oh, thank you!
RO: Thank you!
JADZIA: Thank you!
RO: Thank you!
JADZIA: Thank you!
RO: Thank you!
DEANNA: Away away starfleet officers. The beds here are warm and comfortable, and you may find you like it here.
KIRK: Well, look, I-I-uh...
DEANNA: What is your name handsome knight?
KIRK: Sir Kirk...the chick magnet.
DEANNA: Mine is Deanna the Betazoid. Oh, but come!
KIRK: Look please! Show me the grail!
DEANNA: I feel pain; you have suffered much and you are delirious!
KIRK: Look...I...have seen it! It is here, in the...
DEANNA: Sir Kirk! You would not be so bold as to refuse our hospitality.
KIRK: Well, I-I-uh...
DEANNA: (Grabbing Kirk and pulling him towards the stairs.) Oh I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but forty young Starfleet officers, cut off in this castle with no one to protect us! Oh, it is a lonely life, reading minds, working communications, looking pretty, wearing mini-skirts... We are not used to handsome knights.
(Kirk sees he is being directed to a rather comfortable looking sick bay. He struggles momentarily.)
DEANNA: Nay, nay, come, you may lie here. Oh but you are wounded! And you are in pain!
KIRK: No, no...it's nothing!
DEANNA: Oh but you must see the doctors immediately!
(Kirk struggles some more and then relents.)
DEANNA: No, no, please, lie down. (She claps.)
(Kira and Beverly walk in.)
KIRA: Ah. What seems to be the trouble?
KIRK: Their doctors!?
DEANNA: Uh...they've had a basic medical training.
KIRK: B-but...
DEANNA: Oh, come, you must try to rest! Doctor Kira, Doctor Beverly, practice your art.
(They first make him use the pushy foot pedal thing then they take off his shirt to check his scars.)
BEVERLY: Try to relax.
KIRK: (Grabbing his shirt) Are you sure that's absolutely necessary?
BEVERLY: We must examine you. (Takes the shirt back.)
KIRK: But there's nothing wrong with...
BEVERLY: Please, we are doctors. (Reaches out to touch his scar)
KIRK: (Reacts and jumps into bed.) You cannot be!
BEVERLY: Back to your bed!
KIRK: Torment me no longer! I have seen the Holy Dilithium Crystal!
BEVERLY: There's no Holy Crystal here.
KIRK: I have seen it! I have seen it! (Runs out of the room.) I have seen...
(He finally finds himself in a room surrounded by girls. He almost cannot stand it any longer.)
JADZIA: Hello.
RO: Hello.
UHURA: Hello.
YEOMAN JANICE: Hello.
JANEWAY: Hello.
(Kirk suddenly spots Deanna.)
KIRK: Deanna!
TROI: No, I am Deanna's identical twin sister, Troi.
KIRK: Oh, well, excuse me, I...
TROI: Where are you going?
KIRK: I seek the Holy Dilithium Crystal! I have seen it, here in this castle!
TROI: Oh no! Oh no! Bad, bad Deanna!
KIRK: What is it?
TROI: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Deanna! She had been playing with our new holographic game at the top of the castle, and it portrays the prize as the Holy Dilithium Crystal.
KIRK: (In disbelief.) It's not the real Dilithium Crystal?
TROI: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Deanna! Oh, she is a naughty girl, and she must pay the penalty--and here in the Excelsior, we have but one punishment for setting messing with Crystal bearing games. You must strap her to a medical bed and kiss her!
GIRLS: A kiss scene! A kiss scene!
TROI: You must kiss her well. And after you have kissed her, you can kiss her again. And then...kiss me.
JADZIA: And me!
KIRA: And me!
RO: And me!
TROI: Yes, yes, you must give us all a good kissing!
GIRLS: A kissing! A kissing!
TROI: And after the kissing, then comes the cuddling.
GIRLS: The cuddling! The cuddling!
KIRK: (Now fully interested.) Well I could stay a bit longer.
(Suddenly the door flys open and Riker and Geordi fly into the room.)
RIKER: Sir Kirk!
KIRK: Oh, hello.
GEORDI: Quick!
KIRK: What?
RIKER: Quick! (Pulls out a phaser.)
KIRK: Why?
RIKER: You're in great peril.
TROI: No he isn't. You've just interupted our kiss scene!
GEORDI: Kiss scene?
RIKER: Kiss scene?
TROI: (Walks up to Riker.) Yeah, pretty boy...kiss scene.
RIKER: (Smiles) Well in that case I could stay a bit...
GEORDI: Look we must... (Stops as Uhura walks up smiles and puts her arms around him.) Well maybe...
(Suddenly as the peril almost is upon them Data flys into the room and grabs our three heroes.)
DATA: (Pulls out his phaser.) We must escape from this peril.
TROI: What peril?
DATA: (Points phaser) Away foul temptress!
KIRK: Now look its not that importatnt...
DATA: Quick! Come on I'll cover your escape!
RIKER: Look we're fine!
DATA: Come on!
GEORDI: Data, we can tackle this lot single-handed!
TROI: Yes, let them tackle us single-handed!
DATA: No, Geordi, come on.
RIKER: No really, we can cope.
KIRK: We can handle this lot easily!
DEANNA: Yes let them handle us easily.
GEORDI: We can beat them!
KIRK: Yeah, there's only one forty of them!
TROI: Yes, yes, he'll beat us easily, we haven't a chance.
(Data finally manages to make it out of the castle.
TROI: Shoot....
DATA: I was in the nick of time, you were in great peril.
GEORDI: I don't think we were.
DATA: Yes you were, you were in terrible peril.
RIKER: Look, let me go back there and face the peril.
DATA: No, it's too perilous.
KIRK: Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can.
DATA: No, we've got to find the Holy Dilithium Crystal. Come on!
KIRK: Well, let me have just a little bit of peril?
DATA: No, it's unhealthy.
RIKER: Bet you're gay!
DATA: No I'm not.
Q: Sir Data had saved Sir Kirk, Sir Data, and Sir Geordi from almost certain temptation, but they were still no nearer the Dilithium Crystal. Meanwhile, Jean-Luc Picard and Sir Spock, not more than a tricorder's flight away, had discovered something. Oh, that's a tricorder hurled at warp 9.3, obviously. I mean they were more than two tricorder flights away if it were hurled by a mad Klingon. Four really if they were wearing it was an artificial life-form with magnetic boots on a low-class starship. I mean if only the impulse was used and his strength was drained.
Officers: Get on with it!
Q: Oh, anyway, on to the last part of Chapter 6, which is a smashing scene with some lovely acting, in which Jean-Luc discovers a vital clue, in which their aren't any tricorders, although I think you can hear a communicator.
Q CONTINUUM: Shut up!
(In a small tent we see Jean-Luc and Sir Spock talking to an old worn-out man with a tattered starfleet uniform. And this time he's really old!
MCCOY: Ah, hee hee he ha!
JEAN-LUC PICARD: And this enchanter of whom you speak, he has seen the Dilithium Crystal?
MCCOY: Ha ha ha hee hee ho ho ha ha haaaaa!
JEAN-LUC PICARD: Where does he live? Old man, where does he live?
MCCOY: Mccoy!
JEAN-LUC PICARD: Sorry, Mccoy. Where does he live?
MCCOY: Hee hee hee hah hah. He knows of a black hole, a black hole which no man has entered.
JEAN-LUC PICARD: Really? No man?
MCCOY: Yeah, girls dig this place!
JEAN-LUC PICARD: And the Dilithium Crystal...the dilithium crystal is there?
MCCOY: There is much danger, for beyond the black hole lies the ameoba of eternal peril, which no one has ever crossed through.
JEAN-LUC PICARD: But the Dilithium Crystal! Where is the Dilithium Crystal?
MCCOY: Your looking for the antimatter passageway.
JEAN-LUC PICARD: The antimatter passageway which leads to the Dilithium Crystal?
MCCOY: (A transporter beam envelops him.) Hee hee ha ha hmm ha ha!
(Spock flips up his helmet in disbelief.)
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