Anime Trail

by Lady Kat

That's right, you guessed it! The Oregon Trail! Come join me, Dilandau, Chesta, Akio, and Anthy! It'll be fun, I promise!

Anime Trail

Author's notes: I started off a game of Oregon Trail, and decided to name all my members after anime characters. I looked at the trail journal and decided to turn this into a fanfic. After finishing the game(in an hour and a half!), I copied the txt. file and added the extra stuff. I hope you all enjoy it!

Disclaimer: I don't own Oregon Trail, Tenkuu no Escaflowne, or Shoujo Kakumei Utena. However, I do own the crack I was on while coming up with this. ^_^

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Lady Kat stood there, tapping her foot. She wore authentic 1800's male garb, seeing as how she wasn't gonna be caught dead in a dress. At this point, there was a large explosion and the general store went up in smoke. Anthy came out of the rubble with 6 oxen following her peacefully. Three guys followed, each carrying a load of things. Dilandau placed all the wagon parts in the wagon and looked back at the *ahem* mess.

"Damn oxen,"he muttered. He then tossed a glare over at Anthy, who in turn waved and smiled.

"Yeah, I know, Dilandau-sama,"Kat responded, shoving him into the wagon. "C'mon you guys, let's go before we get sued." Akio and Chesta climbed into the train as Anthy hooked up the oxen. It was then that Matt, the store owner emerged from the rubble. "Um, Anthy, come here, time to go."

"Coming, Kat-sempai." Anthy got in the wagon train and they drove off.

"Wait! Get back here! Damn crazy kids these days, blowing up stores then running off....."

-April 1, 1848 We started down the trail with: 6 oxen, 40 sets of clothing, 400 bullets, 3 wagon wheels, 3 wagon axles, 3 wagon tongues, and 1000 pounds of food. We will now travel at a more strenuous pace.

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-April 2, 1848 We took the wrong trail and lost 1 day.

"Akio-san, you're holding the map the wrong way! Baka!" *THWAP*

"Anyone for curry?"

(Insert collective scream here)

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-April 7, 1848 We have arrived at the Kansas River Crossing.

"See? We made it just fine."

"No thanks to you, Akio-san," Kat said, removing his arm from around her shoulders. "Now where's that ferry operator?"

"He's over there, Kat-san." Chesta pointed to a booth on the riverbank.

"Arigato, Chesta-kun." Kat ran over to the booth. "Whaddya mean, 5 days? That's crap!!" *POW*

"Alright, alright; 1 day! You only have to wait one day!"

"That's more like it."

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-April 8, 1848 The ferry got our party and wagon safely across.

"Fantastic negotiating skills, Kat."

"Akio, shut up and get your hands off of me."

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-April 11, 1848 We have arrived at the Big Blue River Crossing.

"Nani?!? No ferry? That's just crap."

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-April 12, 1848 The wagon tipped over while floating. We lost: 29 sets of clothing, 185 bullets, 2 wagon axles, Anthy (drowned), and Akio (drowned).

Kat, Dilandau and Chesta are standing at Anthy and Akio's grave markers.

"Well, at least I won't hafta put up with Akio's manipulations anymore."

"We," corrected Chesta. "You mean we." Dilandau had a lighter and was currently intent on burning said grave markers.

"Chesta," Kat said, sighing, "get Dilandau back on the wagon."

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April 13, 1848 We shot 397 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.

"Die! Die! Die, Van Fanel!"

"Um, Dilandau-sama? I think it's dead." Dilandau stopped firing the bullets into the buffalo and whipped out his lighter.

"Now we have to burn it!" Kat snatched the lighter away.

"We do that later, okay?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

-April 15, 1848 Dilandau is sick with typhoid fever.

"Dilandau-sama!"

"Chill out Chesta, he'll be fine."

"This is *cough* all your *cough, cough* fault."

"Me? How is it my fault?"

"You're a sucky *cough, cough* leader. *cough*"

"Oh sure, blame the author, what the heck, we're easy targets."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

-April 16, 1848 We will now travel at a steady pace. We decided to rest for 5 days.

"I honestly don't know why I'm stopping for him."

"He just has to get better, Kat-san!!"

"Yeah, yeah."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

-April 21, 1848 We shot 46 pounds of meat.

-Yes, today we shot Dilandau.

"Kat-san! Erase that! That's not true!"

"A girl can dream, right?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

-April 22, 1848 We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed. We lost 16 pounds of food due to spoilage.

-All in all today sucked.

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-April 24, 1848 Dilandau is well again.

-And the sucky days keep coming.

*slap*

"Hey!"

"I saw that."

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-April 26, 1848 We will now travel at a more strenuous pace.

"Gimme the reins!"

"No! Dilandau, get back in the wagon!"

"You're just a girl, you can't lead for crap, and you suck. Now give me the reins!"

"No, dammit!"

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-April 27, 1848 We lost 10 pounds of food due to spoilage.

"I'm not touching it. You get rid of it."

"And soil my hands? No!" The two look at each other, nod, and then say simultaneously, "Oh Chesta...!"

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-April 29, 1848 An ox is sick. We have reached Fort Kearney. We visited the store and bought: 1 ox, 10 sets of clothing, and 2 wagon axles.

"Geez Dilandau, you didn't have to set the fort on fire just because they had higher prices."

"They wouldn't haggle."

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-May 1, 1848 Chesta has cholera.

"Don't worry Chesta, I won't let you die." Kat looks back into the wagon.

"Well, what do you know, he does have a heart."

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-May 2, 1848 We decided to rest for 5 days. We lost 4 pounds of food due to spoilage.

"Icky, icky, icky....."

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-May 3, 1848 We will now travel at a steady pace.

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-May 9, 1848 We shot 278 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.

"I'm doing all the hunting from now on, got that Dilandau-sama?"

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-May 10, 1848 Chesta is well again. An ox died.

"How dare you scare me like that!" *slap* "Never get sick again!"

"Yes, Dilandau-sama."

"Alright, scratch the 'Dilandau has a heart' theory."

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-May 11, 1848 We shot 101 pounds of meat. We will now travel at a more strenuous pace. Dilandau has cholera.

-And peace returns to the wagon.

"Just wait 'till I *cough, cough, cough* get better."

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-May 12, 1848 We decided to rest for 5 days.

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-May 13, 1848 We will now travel at a steady pace.

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-May 21, 1848 Dilandau is well again. We lost 19 pounds of food due to spoilage.

"Oh Chesta....!"

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-May 23, 1848 Heavy fog. Lost 1 day.

Dilandau stood up and paced around the wagon. "Dilandau-sama, will you *kick* cut that out? You're kicking us!"

"Now that it comes to me....." Dilandau kicked Kat really hard into the side of the wagon.

"Ow! What the hell was that for?!?"

"For constantly insulting me in your journal!"

"Well, it's all true." *THWAP*

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-May 25, 1848 We shot 432 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.

"I thought I told you *I* was going to do the hunting."

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-May 26, 1848 An ox wandered off for 1 day.

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-May 28, 1848 Bad water.

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-May 29, 1848 No grass for the oxen.

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-May 30, 1848 Heavy fog. Lost 1 day.

"Chiku, chiku, chik.....aw, screw it. I'm bored."

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-June 1, 1848 We have reached Chimney Rock. We traded 4 pounds of food for 4 bullets. Bad water.

"Why the hell did you get four bullets?" Kat put her hand behind her head sheepishly.

"Well, we have 196 bullets and I wanted to even it out."

(Insert collective facefault here)

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-June 2, 1848 Dilandau got lost. Happily, we found Dilandau unharmed 4 days later.

"I told you to stay in the wagon, but no....! Dumb ass." *THWAP* "Now that it comes to me, did we really have to find him at all?" *THWAP**WATAK*

"Damn Mystic Moon bitch."

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-June 4, 1848 Dilandau is suffering from exhaustion.

"Gee, wonder why?"

"If I....wasn't so....tired, I'd....hit you....really hard."

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-June 5, 1848 We decided to rest for 3 days.

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-June 9, 1848 Heavy fog. Lost 1 day.

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-June 11, 1848 We decided to rest for a day. We lost 18 pounds of food due to spoilage.

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-June 13, 1848 We shot 3 pounds of meat.

-And wasted 15 bullets on it.

"You're going to do all the hunting from now on, huh?"

"If you weren't sick, Dilandau, I'd hit you. Wait, why am I letting that stop me?" *THWACK*

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-June 14, 1848 We found some wild fruit.

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-June 15, 1848 Dilandau is well again.

-And chaos returned.

*THWAP*

"Bitch."

"I know."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

-June 16, 1848 We will now travel at a more strenuous pace.

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-June 19, 1848 We have reached Fort Laramie. We visited the store and bought: 100 pounds of food.

"Dilandau-sama, stay away from the....*BOOM*....*cough*...gunpowder."

"Moero, fort, moero!!" Dilandau laughed evilly as Kat slapped a hand to her forehead.

"Well Kat-san, look at it this way: it'll be easy for future travelers to find their way to Oregon."

"Yeah, all they'll have to do is follow the trail of fire and carnage."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

-June 25, 1848 We will now travel at a steady pace.

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-June 27, 1848 We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed.

"Let's see, I shot so much meat that we couldn't bring it all back, you shoot nothing...."

"Shut *up*, Dilandau."

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-July 1, 1848 We lost the trail for 2 days.

"You got us lost, you stupid woman!" *slap*

"It's your fault! You've got the goddamn map! And don't slap me!"

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-July 4, 1848 We will now travel at a more strenuous pace.

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-July 6, 1848 We shot 21 pounds of meat.

"Wow, you shot a whole deer!"Dilandau said, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

"Will you stop criticising my hunting?!"

"No."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

-July 9, 1848 We have reached Independence Rock. We traded 55 dollars for 100 pounds of food.

"Chesta-kun, I never knew you were so good at trading!"

"Yeah, well...," he said, blushing.

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-July 12, 1848 No grass for the oxen.

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-July 13, 1848 We shot 86 pounds of meat.

"Wow, three deers!"

"Shut the hell up!"

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-July 17, 1848 Broken wagon axle. We didn't try to fix the wagon axle, but we replaced it from supplies.

"You're such a great mechanic, Dilly. Lazy much?"

"No, don't call me that, and shut up." *slap*

"Dammit!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

-July 18, 1848 We have arrived at the South Pass. We traded 4 sets of clothing for 100 pounds of food. We will now travel at a steady pace. Bad water.

-Today we learned that people on the Oregon Trail are generally easy to rip off.

"Kat-san, wouldn't that include us?"

"I guess it would."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

-July 19, 1848 An ox is sick.

"Chesta-kun, what did I tell you about feeding the oxen chocolate?"

"That it's bad?"

"Yes...."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

-July 20, 1848 No water.

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-July 21, 1848 We lost 1 pound of food due to spoilage.

"How come I always have to take out the spoiled stuff?"

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-July 23, 1848 No grass for the oxen.

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-July 25, 1848 Bad water.

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-July 26, 1848 Bad water.

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-July 27, 1848 No grass for the oxen.

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-July 28, 1848 Heavy fog. Lost 1 day.

"Hot damn, but this is boring." There is a silent nod of agreement.

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-August 2, 1848 We have arrived at the Green River Crossing.

"Don't feed me no six days crap! One day! One, ya hear me?"

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-August 3, 1848 The ferry got our party and wagon safely across. Heavy fog. Lost 1 day. We found some wild fruit.

"Let's make wine!"

"There's not gonna be any bottles for you to cut."

"Damn."

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-August 7, 1848 We shot 332 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.

"And who's going to do all the hunting from now on?"

"*cough*you*cough*"

"I didn't hear you!"

"You! Okay, dammit? You! Jesus Christmas!"

"Much better."

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-August 10, 1848 Heavy fog. Lost 1 day.

-Again.

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-August 12, 1848 We will now travel at a more strenuous pace.

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-August 13, 1848 We found some wild fruit. A fire in our wagon destroyed: 9 sets of clothing, 38 bullets, 1 wagon axle, 485 pounds of food.

"I told you not to light the match, but no.......you never listen to me, not ever!!" *THWAP*

"How dare you hit me!"

"Tough. My fic, get used to it. Damn pyro."

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-August 15, 1848 We shot 454 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.

"That's right, and you're gonna carry it all back yourself, pyro-boy."

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-August 17, 1848 We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed. No grass for the oxen. We lost 18 pounds of food due to spoilage. We will now travel at a steady pace.

"Well, well, well, looks like Mr. Big-Bad-Hunter had an off day!"

"Shut up, bitch."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

-August 18, 1848 No water.

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-August 20, 1848 We shot 374 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.

"See, I'm a better hunter."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

-August 21, 1848 An ox died.

"You bury it."

"I'm not touching a corpse. I'm dead afraid of corpses, you know that," Kat muttered.

"You wanna just leave it?" Kat looked at at Dilandau and nodded.

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-August 22, 1848 We have reached Soda Springs. We traded 76 dollars for 1 ox. No grass for the oxen.

-Today, we learned that it doesn't have to be a fort for Dilandau to burn it down.

"Hey, how was I to know those people were flammable?"

"They're *people*!!"

"Good point."

"Just follow the carnage...."

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-August 23, 1848 No grass for the oxen. A thief stole 12 bullets.

-That's right, a really dumb thief.

"Kami, with all the stuff we have, he stole 12 bullets?"

"Maybe he's a trainee?"Chesta suggested.

(Collective sweatdrop)

"What?"

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-August 24, 1848 Heavy fog. Lost 1 day.

Kat hopped out of the wagon, sighing.

"You can't burn the fog away, Dilly-chan."

"Don't call me Dilly-chan!"

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-August 26, 1848 We shot 505 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat. Bad water. No grass for the oxen. Chesta has dysentery.

"Chesta, why did you get sick?!"

"What, afraid you're actually gonna hafta work Dilly-chan?"

"Stop calling me that!!!"

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-August 27, 1848 We decided to rest for 5 days.

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-August 28, 1848 We found some wild fruit. We lost 48 pounds of food due to spoilage.

"Dilandau, earn your keep and take that food out."

"No way!"

"Yes way! I do everything around here!" A weak voice is heard from inside the wagon.

"I beg to *cough* differ."

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-August 31, 1848 We lost 41 pounds of food due to spoilage. Dilandau has the measles.

"Oh spiffy, they're both sick, now I hafta take out the food."

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-September 3, 1848 We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed. We decided to rest for 5 days.

"See? *cough* You can't *cough* hunt for *cough* crap." Kat leans down and slaps Dilandau.

"Shut up, baka."

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-September 6, 1848 Chesta is well again.

"Goody, my work force is better!"

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-September 9, 1848 Dilandau died of cholera.

"And there goes the other half of my work force."

"Dilandau-sama!!" Chesta held the tombstone tightly, wailing loudly. People from passing wagon trains poked their heads out, staring and/or snickering loudly.

"Chesta-kun, could you stop that? People are staring."

"No! Dilandau-sama!!"

"Whoo boy." Kat leaned down, hoisted Chesta up over her shoulder and dumped him in the wagon.

"Dilandau-sama!"

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-September 11, 1848 We have reached Fort Hall. We visited the store and bought: 200 pounds of food

-And since Dilandau is dead, the fort stayed intact!

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-September 12, 1848 No grass for the oxen. We lost 27 pounds of food due to spoilage.

"Chesta, come clean this up."

"Dilandau-sama!"

"Okay, maybe not."

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-September 13, 1848 Bad water.

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-September 14, 1848 Chesta is sick with typhoid fever.

"Dilandau-sama, I'm coming to join ya!"

"Chesta, I mean this, you'd better not die on me. And cut out the Fred Sanford imitation."

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-September 15, 1848 We decided to rest for 5 days.

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-September 18, 1848 We found some wild fruit. We lost 23 pounds of food due to spoilage.

"Chesta-kun, please get well soon! Ick...."

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-September 19, 1848 We lost 20 pounds of food due to spoilage.

"Kami, this is just disgusting."

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-September 21, 1848 No water.

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-September 22, 1848 We shot 365 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.

"I wish Dilandau was here so I could rub this in his face."

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-September 24, 1848 Chesta is well again.

Kat sat on a pile on the floor, hugging Chesta's legs. "Chesta-kun, you're better! I was so worried!!" *cries*

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-September 28, 1848 We found some wild fruit.

"If Dilandau-sama was here, he'd want to make wine."

"Yeah, for some unknown reason, I miss him too."

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-September 29, 1848 We found some wild fruit. No grass for the oxen.

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-October 1, 1848 We lost 34 pounds of food due to spoilage.

"Here you go Chesta, clean this up."

"Okay, Kat-san."

"Arigato, Chesta-kun!"

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-October 5, 1848 No grass for the oxen. Rough trail.

"Chesta, pull!"

"I am! I'm not an ox, you know!"

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-October 6, 1848 No grass for the oxen.

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-October 7, 1848 Bad water. We have arrived at the Snake River Crossing.

"I don't wanna go Kat-san."

"Why not?"

"You remember what happened the last time we had to float our wagon across the river."

"Oh that. Well, don't worry. This time we have a nice Indian guide to help us."

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-October 8, 1848 The wagon tipped over while floating. I lost: Chesta (drowned)

"Here's my new policy. Don't ever trust nice Indian guides who offer to float your wagon across the river for only two sets of clothes." Kat leans back and sighs. "This. Sucks. Chesta-kun!!!" *cries*

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-October 9, 1848 I will now travel at a more strenuous pace.

"Maybe if I go fast enough, I'll get my mind off the fact that it's so quiet."

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-October 10, 1848 No grass for the oxen.

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-October 11, 1848 Bad water.

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-October 12, 1848 I have cholera.

"Oh, just spiffy. First, I'm all alone. Now, I'm sick. I probably get to die all alone too."

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-October 13, 1848 I decided to rest for 8 days.

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[ End of Journal. ]

-On October 18, 1848, Lady Kat got sick and died.

Kat's ghost sits hovering above her grave. "Well, I called it, didn't I?"

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At this point, you may be wondering what's on my epitaph. Well, I'll tell you: Sore wa himitsu desu!

No, I mean it. That's what I wrote. Sore wa himitsu desu. That's a secret.

*So that's it! There was so little SKU, I was planning for a lot of crap to happen between me and Akio, but that idea was scratched when he died so early in. That really sucked, it would have been easier to come up with more humor ideas if he and Anthy and lived longer. Anyhoo, I generally had a negative attitude towards Dilandau in this whole fic. I love him to death, but I honestly think if I had to put up with him for more than a few hours, he would piss me off something awful. I'd probably end up punching him in the face(And trust me, I'm very tolerant. If you get me to that point, you *really* are a bastard) and he'd kill me while I slept. Or something to those ends. Well, review please!*