Disclaimer:
I don't own Janeway, Chakotay, etc. I'm not using this for money. Yatsa, Yatsa, and Yatsa.
Claimer:
I own the characters of: Ireland Elizabeth Janeway, Jamison Rose Janeway, Moira Kady Janeway, Justin Chakotay Janeway, Cristin Hughes Janeway, K'Atja Lexi Torres, G'Iovanna Ava Torres, S'Kyler James Paris, Thomas Eugene Paris Junior, Kenji Hallen Kim, and Annique Nelle Kim.
I also own Justin Hughes Janeway, Nikolai Lucas Pavlik, and Eliza Delaney-Richards.
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The Depths of My Darkness
Part Two
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"Ireland?" A voice pierces my unconsciousness.
Unfortunately, my head is pounding and whoever's talking is really loud.
"Don't yell." I say, more of a whisper then anything.
"Sorry." Uncle Tommy says, picking up my hand, which I jerk away. I can hear him sigh.
"Ireland, we are trying to help you."
"Uncle Thomas, with all do respect, go 'ta hell."
"Ireland Elizabeth Janeway!"
I roll over and try to go back to sleep.
"No dice, Ireland." He says, walking over to get in my line of sight, "Why? I want an answer, miss. I'm not going to drop this, so you might as well talk."
I stay silent.
"Ireland, there's is no one here, and I promise I won't tell."
"You'll tell. You are the puppet of Aunt B'Elanna and Mother."
"Cross my heart."
"I'm not talking."
"Look, Eirtae, until you give us some insight to why you began cutting, your mother's confined you to sickbay, so that the doctor, Aunt Sam, and I can watch you."
Great. Just great! Now I've been confined by my own mother!
"Eirtae…"
I look at him, "I need something. Please a razor, a knife, a piece of paper. Anything." I beg. I need to cut. I have too. I have to get rid of this pain.
"No."
I sit up, "Please! Uncle Tommy, I need to!" I notice a laser scalpel out of the corner of my eye and grab for it, but my perception is off so badly, that I miss and end up on the floor.
Uncle Tommy is there soon enough, and picks me up. He gently puts me back on the bio-bed, and keeping one eye on me, walks over to the cabinet. He pulls out a bunch of restraints, and walks back to me, "Do I need to put these on you or are you going to pull another stunt like that?"
Sheepishly, I look up at him, "No. I'll behave."
"Alright." He puts them down on the bed next to me, and walks over to the Doctor's office to talk to him.
God, I'm such a good liar. I mean I know what's going to happen, but I need to get rid of this pain.
I jump off the bed and walk over to the tray. I keep an eye on Uncle Tommy, like he did to me just moments before, and grab the instrument. I move quietly to the corner of Sickbay that's out of the Doctor and Uncle Tommy's view.
Turning on the scalpel, I tune it so it's just strong enough to cut, but not cut deep. I pull up the sleeve of my pajama shirt and carefully bring the tool toward my skin. It contacts and a cut forms, but I didn't set it right. The cut runs deep and blood begins to ooze out immediately. Okay, not good. This is way too much blood.
"Uncle Tommy." I call out, "Hey, Uncle Tommy!"
As I thought, he came running over, the Doctor right behind him. "Mother of God…" Uncle Tommy breathes, before picking me up again, and puts me back down on the bed for the second time. As I watch the two of them heal my arm, I am once again sedated.
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"Wow." I murmur, as I walk into this new place.
It's the most beautiful place I've ever seen. It's got purple clouds, and a teal sky. The grass is yellow with silver flowers and a forest of orange trees all around. In front of me, however, is a clear ocean.
"Welcome to the pixie world, Rela."
I whirl around, and come face to face with a teenage boy about my age with skin and hair like Papa's. He has Mam's blue eyes, though. But I know who this is. This is the voice from my dreams. It's a voice I know well.
"Justie…" I say, softly, and throw my arms around him.
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Tom tightened the last restraint around his niece's wrist. The Doctor looked at him solemnly, "We should inform Kathryn of this."
"No, not yet. She's probably sleeping, and if she isn't, we shouldn't interrupt her. You and I know that she really shouldn't be spending all her time here. It's not healthy for her or for Ireland." Tom replied.
The Doctor shook his head, "We still have yet to figure out why she's cutting herself."
"I know." Tom looked up, "We have to stop sedating her. If she gets angry enough or scared or needy enough, she'll tell us."
"Good point."
Tom sighed and shook his head, "She's in withdrawal. She's been doing this longer then she says. From what I know, it's addictive. From the way she just acted, it was like she was coming off of some drug and she'd needed a fix."
"It's probable. We're just going to have to keep a better watch on her. She can't be left alone. She's obviously not herself. If she were herself, that scalpel would have been set correctly."
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I follow my brother to the water's edge, "So this is where you live?"
"No." Justie shakes his head, "I came here to help you."
I stop and look at him, "Not you too! There's nothing wrong with me, Justie!"
"Oh really." He counters, "Then why is everybody afraid to let you out of their sight? Why don't they want you to leave sickbay? Why are you being restrained?"
"Because they don't understand!"
Justie sits down on the beach chairs that have suddenly appeared, "Sit."
I do as he says, too tired to complain.
"Now I want you to sit here with me, until Uncle Tommy calls you. And I'll wait for you to come back to explain."
"Why don't I just explain now?"
"Because Uncle Tommy's going to call you soon, and you won't have time."
"Uh huh."
"Ireland. Come on, Eirtae, time to wake up."
"Told ya'." Justie smiles, "I'll be here when you get back."
"What if I don't come back?"
"Then I'll can run about this realm, yelling that I have the greatest sister on the planet." With that, he fades away into nothingness.
-*-*-
"Noo, Justin. Don't leave me." I try to reach for my brother, but my arms move no more then an inch or so in any direction. Neither will my legs.
I open my eyes and look to see restraints on my wrists, ankles, and waist.
Fuck. Goddamn Uncle Tommy, I wish I could jump off a bridge.
"Good morning, sleeping beauty." Uncle Tommy says.
"How long have I been asleep?"
"Two days."
I look at him, "Take these off."
He looks back, "No can do, Eirtae. I'm not allowed."
"Why?"
"Because first off all, The Doctor has issued a medical order that no one but him can remove the restraints, and second, after that little close call, I'm a bit weary of taking them off you for any reason other then to use the bathroom, and even then, Aunt Sam has to come with you and stand outside the door."
"Jeez. What am I? A prisoner?"
"That's how you see it, Ireland. We chose to see it as protecting you."
"Big surprise." I move my arm to scratch an itch. Oh, yeah, damn stupid restraints, "Uncle Tommy, could you scratch my shoulder?"
"Sure." He reaches over and drags his nails across my shirt.
"No, stronger." I say, and he digs his nails deeper.
He he he. I'm such a little devil child. I smile at the pain I'm getting.
Unfortunately, Uncle Tommy sees and understands, "Nice one, Ireland."
"Please, do it again."
"No."
I sigh. He can be so stubborn when he wants, "Take them off." I demand, holding up my arms.
"No."
"Yes."
"No."
"IF YOU DON'T TAKE THEM OFF, I'LL SCREAM UNTIL I'M DEAD!"
"No." He replies, still as calm as before.
Now I'm pissed and upset, "TAKE THEM OFF! TAKE THEM OFF!" I look at him, and see that he isn't going to crumble to screaming. Alright…
I begin to struggle against the restraints and cry, "Please! Take them off! Please!" I beg, struggling to pull myself against them.
Uncle Tommy's eyes dart between me and the hypospray that's on top of the cabinet, "No." He says, and looks at me, "Ireland – scream, cry, be as combative as you'd like, but they're staying on and I'm not sedating you again."
Okay, on to pleading, "Uncle Tommy, just one then! You know better then anyone else that I hate to be held down. Please, I'm scared."
"Honey, I know, and I'm not going to let anything happen. But if I let you go, you could try to cut again, and I won't be responsible for perpetuating your behavior."
"You make it sound like a bad thing."
"It is. It's a serious problem, Ireland." Uncle Tommy tells me.
Like I didn't know that before! I learned that in health six months ago. Apparently skipping meals on a regular basis is a bad idea too. That's me, the anorexic cutter!
Uncle Tommy sighs, "I assume you realize that you've been skipping meals."
"Yep."
He pulled up a chair beside me, "So, are you going to talk to me, or am I going to have to tickle it out of you?"
I look back at the ceiling and laugh, "Thanks. I haven't laughed like that in a long time."
"So how long have you really been cutting? I know it's more then four years, like you told us."
I sigh, "Five and a half years if you want to be technical. I did it right after I got that F in Foreign Diplomacy."
"You were ten and a half. How could it have been that bad? No kid cares about their grades then."
"Try being the Captain's daughter and say that. I had Uncle Harry, Papa, Mam, Meg, and Allen bugging me. Plus Eliza just had to show off that she aced the class. I remembered that I had read something somewhere about cutting, and I decided to try it. I cut a little too deep, and ended coming here and deleting the Doctor's memory of treating me. I didn't do it for three months after that, and then I did it again, and again, and again."
"Why didn't you say anything?"
"I thought I could stop whenever I wanted, but eventually I couldn't stop. I had to do it everyday. It was the only way to get rid of all the pain."
Uncle Tommy's shaking his head, "I wish you had told us."
Yeah, yeah. All adults say that.
"So are you going to try and get better?"
"Truthfully – prolly not."
"Prolly?"
I smile at him, "Yep. It's the same thing as probably."
"Another arcayic word?"
I nod my head, "So can you please ask Uncle E to take these off." (Just so ya' know, I call The Doctor Uncle E, as in Uncle EMH.)
"Sure." Uncle Tommy gets up and walks to the Doctor's office.
I sigh and look around. I notice that some crayon pictures are taped up on the wall by me. I can tell that they were drawn by my little sisters and my younger cousins. Except for the PADD taped up as well. It was a picture. One of me and Justin Hughes with Mam and Papa.
Uncle E walks over, "So can we trust you not to try anything stupid?"
I think for a second, "Yeah."
"Okay." He replies, beginning to pull off the one off my right wrist. He finishes that one, and I pick up my hand to look at it.
"It's a hand, Eirtae." Uncle Tommy teases.
"I know that!" I smile, as my other hand is freed followed by my ankles, and then finally the one on my waist is pulled away.
Uncle Tommy and Uncle E each take a hand and pull me to a sitting position. I groan and then stretch, "Oh, that feels so nice."
"It should!"
I yawn and reach onto Uncle Tommy for support as I get off the bio-bed. I get my balance, and head toward the door.
Uncle E steps in front of me, "Where do you think you're going?"
"To go to my home."
"Sorry, Ireland, not until your mother says you can."
"Well, then…CALL HER!"
"Chill, Eirtae." Uncle Tommy says, "I'll go get her." He walks out of Sickbay and I smile – I'm going home. I'm going to sleep in my own bed, and everything will go back to being the way it was…
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Cassie Jamie
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