The Depths of My Darkness - Part Four

Disclaimer:

I don't own Janeway, Chakotay, etc. I'm not using this for money. Yatsa, Yatsa, and Yatsa.

Claimer:
I own the characters of: Ireland Elizabeth Janeway, Jamison Rose Janeway, Moira Kady Janeway, Justin Chakotay Janeway, Cristin Hughes Janeway, K'Atja Lexi Torres, G'Iovanna Ava Torres, S'Kyler James Paris, Thomas Eugene Paris Junior, Kenji Hallen Kim, and Annique Nelle Kim.

I also own Justin Hughes Janeway, Nikolai Lucas Pavlik, and Eliza Delaney-Richards.

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The Depths of My Darkness

Part Four

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Ever have a dream that scares you? Scares you so much your heart pounds and what was once reality seems…scattered and not what it used to be?

I had that dream last night. A dream, that pushed my face into the place in my mind that I've not dared enter.

But with those thoughts I can only imagine what life would be like if I wasn't around. I mean it's not possible that that could happen, but I wonder what life would be like without me…

Actually, I don't want to know what life would be like without me. That would be the crappiest thing that could ever happen. I mean who could have Voyager without Eirtae? Who would've created SecCre Voyager? Or come up with the nicknames?

No, I know what my reality is. I need to get home.

-*-*-

I sit up in the bed. The chronometer on the wall tells me it's way too early for anyone except the night crew to be up.

I have a plan.

Jumping down quietly, I grab my clothes from off the table and pull them on before making my way to the door. But I remember something and walk back to the panel.

"Computer. Lock EMH in deactivation mode until zero-four-hundred."

"Command unknown."

Oh, Kenji…Brat…He is in trouble now. Mess with my secret commands will you…

"Computer. Lock EMH in deactivation mode until Janeway, Ireland E. is out of the vicinity of Sickbay."

"EMH locked."

See these are the secret codes my parents should check.

"Computer. Temporarily deactivate profile, Janeway, Ireland E."

"Profile temporarily deactivated."

Another one they should delete from the sub-routines.

I walk out of sickbay, and make my way to the lift. I hop on and call for the deck the holo-deck is on.

"Ireland?"

Fucking hell. Atex.

"Yeah?"

"Aren't you supposed to be in Sickbay?"
"Ummm…nooo."

"I'll go along with you, but if I were you, I'd haul. Your mother is coming this way."

I hug her, "Thanks, Atex. I'll see you in a little while." I released her and took off.

I run down the corridor and cut through one of the experimental bays. I nearly run into some of the crewmembers, but manage to make it to the holo-deck without being caught.

"Computer. Lock holo-deck doors."

"Holo-deck doors locked."

I sigh with relief, and think for a second. "Computer, run program Janeway-I-Delta-Two-Six-Alpha-Nine."

SecCre Voyager appears around me, and I make my way to the DJ.

"Can I help you, Eirtae?" DJ Frizzle asks.

"Yeah. Play Time Warp." I have a plan.

"Will do."

"Thanks, Frizz-man." I say, and make my way to one of the groups of girls standing by a table.

The music begins to play and every hologram makes their way onto the floor. I walk toward the staircase, go to the second floor, and then enter in a door. Leaving it open a crack, I watch the holo-deck door.

As I thought, about two minutes later, the door opens and there's mam. She says something to Papa and then to Uncle Tommy. The program dissapates and with a sicking thud I land on the floor.

"GOD DAMNIT!" I yell, as a rub my head. A bump is already forming.

"Watch it, Ireland!" My mother scolds.

"Fuck off."
"IRELAND ELIZABETH JANEWAY!"

I walk toward the door, but, surprise, surprise, Mam walks in my way. "Move. Now."

"No."

Now I'm pissed.

"Look. I'm not a golden child. I'm not the best freakin' daughter in all the galaxy. I will never live up to your expectations. I'm only sixteen! Stop making stupid goals for me! Papa may say that it's not true, but I know it is in my heart. You don't know how happy I would be if you would just BACK OFF."

Mam stares at me for a second – she's pissed…I'm sooo dead.

"Ireland…I've never expected more from you then I thought you could handle."

"Liar! That is an outright lie!"

"Prove that it's a lie."

"Let's see…How 'bout the year I started talking about Justin? You told me he was a figment of my imagination!"

"That was because you were three! I didn't want you to worry about him."

"So lying to me was the answer?!" I yelled back, it was a half-question but more like one thing I could yell to see when she would break. Yeah, yeah…so I'm not a sweet angel…

Papa steps in front of Mam, "Alright…Eirtae. I'm going to ask you a couple of questions. You answer them and we'll forget all about this."

"A'ight." I wearily reply. I'm too tired of this.

"Do you think you are capable of earning good grades?"

"Yeesss."

What the hell does that have to do with anything?

"Do you know that your mother and I love you?"
"Most of the time."

"Alright…You know your sisters and your brother need you?"

"Yes."

"Then what more do you think we expect of you?"
He's inching towards me. Like I don't notice.

"Stop moving toward me, Papa. I'm not an idiot. And there are times where you expect a hell of a lot more."

"Like?"

"How about two days to recreate a place I've never been that there were no good records of for Naomi and Allen's wedding? Or babysitting for everyone of the kids on-board the night before my Finishing test? I almost failed if you happen to remember. How about having to clean up after the two of you after you two got drunk? Last I checked I'm sixteen! Not forty! You are MY parents – not the other way around." I rant at the top of my lungs.

"You remember all of that?" Papa looks at me teary-eyed.

"I remember everything. I remember when we all thought Annique was going to die. I was the only one calm enough to take care of Auntie Annika. I think I was eight or nine years old."

"I thought you'd forgotten that."

"Apparently you think I've forgotten a lot of stuff, Papa."

"I really underestimated you, Eirtae."

Nice tactic. "I thought I was yelling at you because you expected too much."

Papa is smiling at me like I'm a raving lunatic. Of course at the moment, I AM a raving lunatic.

"Sweetheart, I underestimated what you are, who you are. I used to think if I let you go for too long, I'd lose you just we lost Justin. I guess I should've noticed a long time ago that you aren't leaving without a fight…"

Why is it that every time something like this happens, everything starts going black?

-*-*-

"Ireland, hold my hand. Don't let go, baby-girl."

"Don't worry, Papa. I'm alright."

"Eirtae? Come on let's go to sickbay."

"I'm just tired, Mam."

"But nothing. What if you're sick? I don't need you getting sick, then Jami and Moi getting sick."

"Alright, Mam. But I'm telling you – I'm fine."

"Anva was just joking! Why would we do anything like that?"

"I don't know. You tell me."

"Damnit, Mam! You of all people should understand me!"

"I just don't want you to get hurt."

"Mam, you're drunk."

"I know."

"Uh huh."

"Listen, honey, I just want you to know I love you."

"I know that, Mam."

"I don't ever want to lose you."

"I know, Mam."

"I don't want lose you the way I lost my baby boy."

I finally manage to wedge my eyes open and look around. Wait a sec. What the hell. I'm home. I'm not in Sickbay. "Mam?"

She appears in my doorway looking as though nothing has happened, "Yes, sweetie?"

"Who are you? And what have you done with my mother?"

She laughs at me, "I would've thought you'd say something like that."

Now I'm scared.

Mam sighs at me, "I haven't forgotten, Eirtae. I just got smart to what you were saying." She sits down next to me and starts pulling my bangs out of my eyes, "For so long I thought just as your father had. I thought if I kept you occupied with school or friends or children then you wouldn't realize that you were going up, becoming a woman with the greatest dreams and goals. I don't think I ever realized what it was going to be like for you. All I knew was if I let you go, I might lose you."

I breathe in deep and then begin to speak as best I can, "There is a chance with life, Mam. Eventually we all die; it's just a matter of when. Justie died, but I'm not an infant. I'm not sick, or dying. I'm just a teenager. I just want to be a teen. And letting me do that, doesn't mean you're going to lose me. I might have to murder my cousins for doing stupid stuff like playing with the computer or being complete morons, but I'm not like Anva and Atex who fly like idiots. You are not going to lose me."

Anything else that could've been said is pointless, as my mother draws me closer and hugs me. Maybe Christmas isn't so bad at all.

-*-*-

Cassie Jamie

noahXfiles@aol.com

Took me long enough.