Title: Men and Toilets
Author: Bad Cutlery
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Crude humor (somewhat) and repeated use of the word "penis" in many forms.
Author's Notes: I got this off of a joke website, so it's not exactly mine. I modified it to fit to GW and Wufei. I think that I should mention the website I got it off of. It's http://www.adolescentadulthood.com under the humor section. And I must say that I don't own Gundam Wing (wouldn't I love to be one of the lucky bastards who does!) and I'm sorry for exploiting Wufei like this. -_-' Deeply sorry.
Men and Toilets
The following is Wufei's explanation as to why men always make a mess in the bathroom:
You see, something you onnas should understand by now is that a man's penis has a mind of its own.
A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his weewee will still manage to pee all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe.
I'm telling you those little buggers can't be trusted!
There's another thing guys don't usually like to talk about, but I might as well be candid with you, because it's a real problem, and you ladies need to be understanding about it. It's the dreaded "morning wood". Most mornings us guys wake up with two things: a tremendous desire to pee, and a dick so hard you could cut diamonds with it!
Well, no matter how hard we try, we can't get the thing to bend, and if it won't bend, we can't aim it. Well hell, if we can't aim it we have no choice but to pee all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you onnas insist on putting on the toilet.
And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the frigging toilet seat won't stay up by itself! So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control our less than perfect aim.
Now sometimes, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress the fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. Ok, so you start to pee, but then the compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning the damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your thingy! It's dangerous I tell you!!
So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe.
I tried to delicately explain this "morning situation" to ladies. I try tell them, if they complain, to just understand ... it won't bend. And they always say said, "So, just sit down."
*sigh* They just DON'T understand.
Ok… Once I tried sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood". I discovered that it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had peed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room. That's what I get for listening to women.
Now, even if we are sitting down and we can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when we start to pee, the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. We pee all over the back of our knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you women keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.
I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying Superman position-- lying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first "morning pee".
So you chicks have to understand that men are not totally to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness (most of the time), but there are times when things just get beyond our control!
It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature. Now, if it was Father Nature, there wouldn't have been a problem!!! INJUSTICE!