Disclaimer: Well, if it isn't---gosh, Paramount owns Voyager! Yes, they do...and I'm just borrowing what I know can never truly be my own. Trisha Yearwood sings "I Did", on the album "Real Live Woman"...listen to it--I promise you, I think it's great.
By Manda (Mizuno Ami)
The life of a captain can often be one which, ultimately, involves a sacrifice of mass proportions. James Kirk was fabled to have left the woman he loved for a life among the stars he was such a part of; Jean-Luc left a life on Earth where he may have had a wife and children- for command of a flagship and the explorers dream. Benjamin Sisko lived among aliens who knew him only as their Emissary, and eventually gave up any other possible command to stand by the people he'd come to consider friends.
And I...gave my love. Not once since our venture into the Delta Quadrant have I been blessed with a fierce love, a strong and burning desire to have a single person wake up beside me, to be in my life day-by-day. Our experience on Quarra taught me something, once I was finally able to piece it all together. I could feel love, and I did.
Did you ever want something so bad
that you could taste it?
Did you ever want something
you knew you couldn't have?
Well, I did.
Did you ever know what it feels like
To get lost in a lovers kiss.
Did you ever even want to go there,
Well I did, I did.
Oh, the day we left Quarra...my mind was numbed, overwrought with treatment to restore my original memory. Once it was again intact- I wasn't sure of the benefit. Had I not been rescued- had Chakotay not found me, I never would have experienced nor known the adventures of a captain's life. My spirit would have become...appeased, perhaps completely satisfied. I may have been that, but there would have always been something missing.
At times, I think Jaffen could have filled that void. My relief to discover he had no part in this was beyond relieved, and learning of his promotion- I felt an overwhelming pride and rush of pure...of fierce love for a man who Captain Janeway could never experience for herself.
I took my chances
Laid my heart open wide.
I felt the rush, I lost my head.
I learned to laugh
Oh, but then I learned to cry.
I did.
"Stay onboard." My arms were lifelines, choking, straining to hold the only stable element in my two worlds. His warmth, the clean scent of his clothing, hair. Bristled and gray, jet black, honest eyes gazing down at me. I let my finger tenderly follow his eyeridge, down the side of his face on gentle curves. "Jaffen, don't go."
"You said it yourself...the best way to hear it." His reply was quick, but soft in it's reluctance. "Kathryn, I know I'll miss you more than anything in my life-"
"I'll always have these," My hands lingered over the plugs he'd brought from his- our- apartment. Thoughtful, but when my gaze lingered...I thought I'd much rather lose a thousand plugs than another lover. "...and that wouldn't be enough. I need to have you with me...you can have opportunity here. And family. Family with-"
"You?"
"With diversion." I smiled. "And me, if you'd like."
"Your quarters certainly are large enough," He replied, in that teasing laugh, that smile that told me he knew- knew the reality. The truth of the matter.
Did you ever lose your whole world.
And still have no regrets
And did you ever tell yourself
You'd do it all again?
Well I did, I did.
"But you won't stay...will you?"
"I can't." He came forward, wrapping strong arms around me, warm and comforting. Secure. I've never felt more comfortable...in my life. "I have a job, and you have a responsibility."/p
"To my crew." How I hated those words, loved them, was comforted and yet repulsed by the very sound of them. The taste in my mouth, mingled with the bitter defeat. Distasteful.
"And I know you." His lips were soft and gentle as they touched mine. As we said our good-byes, with care...and yet so much abandon- my heart still crying, tears staining his vest, making spots along the slate gray. "And I still have your work uniforms- as souvenirs?"
I chuckled... couldn't help it, although the impending sobs choked deep within my throat. A captain didn't cry...
But Kathryn did.
I took my chances
Laid my heart open wide.
I felt the rush, I lost my head.
I learned to laugh
Oh, but then I learned to cry.
I did.
"I love you." Pulling away, hands breaking apart...my fingers slipped as he walked slowly, surely out the door. Not a look back.
I wanted to call, burst after his steps and drag him back into my life. Forceful. Make him part of me, part of my crew. To have him here in my life- to make it home.
It seemed all too real.
Maybe that was the problem.
Did you ever want something so bad
That you could taste it?
I did, I did.