Design

by aegean

Max, after finally learning to settle into a somewhat stable life with Logan is forced to deal with Manticore's original intent for her.

2. Confrontation

Title: Design

Author: aegean

E-mail: aegean11@hotmail.com

Genre: Story Angst, Romance, Action-- Max/Logan shippery

Rating: R

Summary: This chapter takes place sometime after Female Trouble and Cape Haven. Max is at the top of the Space Needle thinking about the events of the last few days.

Disclaimer: Dark Angel is a Fox /Cameron/Eglee vehicle. I get no money. I do it for fun/practice Please don't sue me.

Notes: This is my first chaptered fanfic. I have planned for 5 chapters—hopefully something like one a week but who knows. Chapter 1 is a bit long, but I thought it really needed to be kept together. Please R&R. Good/Bad whatever. Advice. Anything works for me.

Chapter 1

Confrontation

'Well, it was bound to happen' Max thought. 'At least I said it all. Probably too much but its done. Wonder how long it'll take him to come around.'

Three Days Earlier

"Hey, I found a few of your tanks in my laundry. They're on the guest room bed. So,…" he said as he rolled out of his bedroom, "have you figured out what dress you want to wear?" He had still been getting dressed when she arrived. Max had come over unusually early that morning and just missed a potentially embarrassing situation with Logan. Max never knocked, but she would try to announce her presence by being a little louder when she picked the lock. Once she had seen him struggling to put on his pants quickly. She hated to embarrass him so she never told him what she saw, she just started giving him more warning. She had been sitting in the living room for a few minutes.

"No, I came to tell you that you should just pick one out for me. Sort of do the leg-work on this one. I

have to work late today so I won't have a chance to look at anything before everything closes and I know how you are against my after hours activities." She shot him a coy smile and batted her eyes in such an obvious manner that Logan was forced to respond in kind with a feigned look of disapproval. He knew that she had given up most of her stealing habits for his sake. "Besides," she continued, "this should tell you how much I trust you. What woman would let a man have free reign over how she is going to look." She looked straight at him and then a look crossed her face as though she were questioning the sanity of her own words. She finally sighed and said, "oh, you'll probably do a better job than I will at picking something."

Logan smiled at this. He knew that she didn't care that much about fashion in general. She liked black, gray, and blue. They were pretty simple wardrobe choices. However, it was so rare that they went to anything formal that he knew she probably wanted to blend in more. He had actually done some research on the computer and downloaded some pictures of the inventory of local boutiques. He figured she could just sit down and pick one. But, since she wanted him to do it, he felt he could manage. He knew that only Max could get him to run this sort of errand. "I will…and might I add very reluctantly, take care of it for you. It'll give me a chance to pick up a few things. Pick you up at 6 tomorrow evening." Logan had planned to take her out to dinner and make a night of it. He was actually looking forward to the evening even if it meant he had to spend it in a room with hundreds of other people.

Logan went out and ended up at the same dress shop Max had stolen from. He was actually glad because when he wheeled in, the saleswoman recognized him. He had stopped by months earlier to pay for the stolen dress claiming there had been some sort of misunderstanding. He was very vague in his explanation. He had learned early on that if you flashed enough cash, many things could be over looked.

"Hello Mr. Cale. What can I help you with this afternoon," the woman asked as she walked toward him.

"I came in to pick up a dress for Miss Guevera. I tried to call earlier to have you set it aside, but the phone lines were malfunctioning again," a problem he figured Eyes Only should look into.

"Yes we've had trouble this morning. If you'll tell me which dress you were interested in, I'll go check to see if we have it."

"It was a midnight blue floor length gown with spaghetti straps."

"Well that was a thorough description."

"Yes well… in all honesty I did look at the little caption for the dress. But, now that I'm thinking about it, I don't know her exact measurements." He laughed to himself because he figured he should just by the mere fact that he looked at her so often.

"I believe I know the gown. And…you did say this was for Miss Guevera," she said emphasizing the name as she walked over to her files. Logan nodded. "Well then her measurements shouldn't be a problem. The other dress fit her well, correct?"

"Yes, as I recall, it was perfect."

"Then we have the records for that dress on file, know the size, and can alter the length of this gown accordingly. It should work out all right. We usually like to have the customer come in for a fitting, but we've done it this way for other gentlemen with success. As long as the woman has been in once, all they have to do is call in, give us the name and a few specifics and we do the rest." Logan knew that the saleswoman believed that Max was just another decorative escort. Many of the men in town had several 'lady friends' on their accounts at various boutiques. The saleswoman probably thought Max was his. He was insulted by her insinuation but let it go.

"That was completely painless," he said. "I will also need the purse and shoes and anything else I haven't thought of."

"No problem. I can have the alterations completed by tomorrow morning. Will Miss Guevera be picking everything up?"

"No, I'd like it sent to her apartment tomorrow afternoon." He knew how it looked. The request only reinforced the sales woman's beliefs, but he figured it would be easier for Max to be able to just go home and change after work without worry. So, with the unfortunate impression having already been created Logan went ahead and arranged to have a dozen roses sent as well since he knew that they would surprise Max.

As he was escorted to the door, the saleswoman looked at him and said, "Mr. Cale, Miss Guevera's trust in your ability to handle what some men would consider the most difficult task in the world, was not unfounded. From what I've seen here today, she will look lovely and is very lucky." She smiled and Logan thanked her and left the store. He paged Max and when she called back, he told her what he had done, leaving out the part about the roses. She thought his plan was good and she told him that she would see him the next day.

_

Max woke up early the next morning because she wanted to get to Jam Pony on time so that she could leave on time. She arrived and Normal was barking out orders. She saw Original Cindy and decided to avoid Normal for as long as possible. Cindy was over at her locker changing for some runs. "Hey girl," she said to Original Cindy, "what's up?"

"Usual. Came in early to get the 411 on the new honey Normal hired yesterday." Cindy looked over in the direction of a dark haired twenty year-old woman named Lana. They made eye contact and Cindy gave her a head nod. Lana smiled back. "My days looking' up," Cindy said. She then turned and looked at Max as she remembered about the party that evening. "So, you have any idea how your nights gonna play out? You in a beautiful dress him in a tux. Romantic. If you aren't banging the gong already then you will be by tonight. Think you can handle it?" Original Cindy was always too wrapped up in the idea of Max finally getting on her roller boy.

"Not wasting much time on the small today are we," Max said sarcastically trying to cover for the awkwardness she felt after listening to Cindy's predictions for the night. "It's not like that anyway. It's a charity thing," she continued.

"Doesn't matter. You two are always in a different world when you're together."

"Really?" Max said after thinking about it for a few moments.

"For real—for real for sure"

"I guess we're just really comfortable around each other. It's hard to hang with the people he knows because they don't think I'm one of them and its hard for him to hang with us because he feels out of place. Alone, we seem to be evenly matched. I get a little more serious and he gets a little less. Its cool." Max actually felt as though she had adequately described her situation with Logan. She hoped that Cindy would just let it die.

"Uh huh. Don't intellectualize your relationship or the desire you have to get busy with your man. If, and that's a big if, I swung that way, I'd be all over it. I approve. He's good to you and hasn't asked for anything. And trust me its even better with someone you're really close to. Can't hurt to see where the night takes you." Cindy knew that things would happen in their own time. After all she was dealing with the two slowest people in Seattle. In 20 years, he'd still be paging her and she'd still be returning his calls speaking in secretive half sentences only to run over there for hours of sexual tension. They just didn't get the fact that they needed to be with each other because they had something unusually moving. Everyone wanted to see the two of them get together. Their relationship and loyalty gave many of their friends hope.

Max went on her daily runs and then took off for home. She continued to wonder about what Cindy had said. Maybe she was intellectualizing everything. Was it so bad to just think about things differently? She thought about it all the way home. 'Maybe I should push a few things forward.' She went back to her apartment. She knew Cindy finished at Jam Pony early, was going home, and then off to Crash. She assumed she would be gone by the time she got in.

She walked into the apartment and went into her room. Sitting on her bed were three boxes. She knew the large box was the dress and the small box shoes. She had no idea what was in the longer box. She walked over to her bed, leaned over, and opened it. To her surprise, she found a dozen long stemmed white roses inside. There was also a note.

It read:

Max

White roses have always signified pure beauty and intimate secrecy. I figured no other flower could better describe our relationship. See you later tonight.

Logan

She smiled as she read the card. She looked down at the other boxes and decided not to open them just yet. She wanted to keep the surprise going as long as possible. She turned and walked into the kitchen to begin boiling water. She reached over to turn on the faucet and before she knew what had happened, she was covered in water. The faucet head had broken. She went under the sink to turn off the water supply with one of her wrenches. At that point she knew there was no way to get ready at her place. She decided her only option was to take the dress and go over to Logan's and get ready there. She tried to call but she couldn't reach him. The phone lines kept cutting out. She figured he was probably sitting at his computer looking into the situation. She left a note for Cindy telling her the sinks state of affairs, and then left for Logan's.

-

She got to Foggle Towers in record time. She wanted to get to him before he left for her place. She took the elevator up, stepped out, and stopped in front of his door. She decided to knock just in case he was still getting ready.

"Who is it," he asked as he rolled to the door.

"Me," she said knowing her answer would suffice. She loved the informality of their relationship.

He opened the door and was shocked to see a very wet Max standing there. "What the hell happened to you," was all he could manage to say at her appearance.

"I was about to get ready when a pipe burst in my apartment so, I came over here. Can I use your bathroom? I can be quick." She was just standing there holding the boxes. She looked like a defenseless wet animal. He wanted to laugh but he knew that could set her off. At that moment he knew what he had to do.

"Come in, take a shower, take a bath if you like," he said as he moved into the living room. "Take your time. I was going to take you out to dinner but I'll just whip something up here instead so you have time." There was something about the situation that put him at ease. It broke the impending ice that he felt would show up when he got to her apartment. The busted pipe had actually made things less nerve wracking. He would cook and she would eat. It was informal and homey the way they both liked but hated to admit out loud.

Max went into the guest room. She put the box down on the bed and went into the bathroom. She looked around and saw her favorite towel on the rack. Logan had bought it for her to use because she had liked the one he owned so much. In truth he had actually bought it because he got tired of his always being wet. She had fallen into the habit of swinging by to shower and change between Eyes Only missions always remembering to use his softest towel. She went to get her soap and shampoo and realized that she was nearly out of the latter and decided to borrow from Logan. She wrapped the towel around her body and ran over to the next room. She didn't knock because the door was partially open already and she figured he would be in the kitchen. She was about to run through the room to get the shampoo when she realized that Logan was there. She stopped short when she saw what he was doing. Having already taken off his jacket, shirt, and tie, he was sitting there preparing to remove his pants. Both of their faces turned beat red.

So much went through their heads. He was half undressed and she was only in a towel. They instinctively imagined all the possibilities in the few seconds that passed before Max blurted out, "Logan what are you doing?" She didn't much mind the sight, she just couldn't figure out its purpose.

"I…I'm… about to cook so I need to get out of my formal wear," he stammered. "You know it can get a little messy when I cook. Anyway, all good chefs get a little on them."

"So you're planning on spilling on your bare chest and then what --your gonna take a shower to clean up," she said as she regained her composure. /That could be interesting./ The mischievous thought caused her to involuntarily bite down on her lower lip before continuing. "Is that an approved cooking technique?" /Because if it is, I fully intended on spending more time in the kitchen with him./

"I was just going to change into a t-shirt and sweats," he said with a smile that seemed to relay the words 'bad girl' to Max who had become flush. Logan was intrigued by her reaction but wasn't prepared to pursue it further. "What did you need anyway," he said as he went back to the task at hand.

Max, whose eyes were locked on his chest, almost didn't hear what he had said. All she could manage as a response was, "huh, oh, shampoo". /huh, I say huh? Could I be more obvious?/ She knew how it must have seemed so she just ran into his bathroom and grabbed what she needed. She came out and went back to her bathroom without looking back at him.

Logan finished changing and went into the guest room. He took his robe with him. He laid it on the bed by the unopened box and wondered why she hadn't looked at the dress. "Max," he called to her through the door, "I left a robe on the bed for you just in case you don't want to put the dress on until after dinner." Max smiled when she heard him through the door. She yelled a 'thanks' back to him.

About forty-five minutes later Max got out of the bath. She went into the room to finish toweling off and brush out her hair. She noticed that her wet clothes were gone. /He must have put them in the wash. I really do leave a lot here./ She rubbed her hand over the robe he had left, took it up into her hands, and put it on. /Nice…it smells like him./ She sat on the bed to cool off. She always took extremely hot showers. She got up and dried her hair. She applied a flesh colored patch to cover her barcode remembering to let a few tendrils of hair hang down in the back when she styled her hair to finish covering up the area. The patches were good, but not perfect. The hair helped. After finishing, she stepped out into the hall and then went into the kitchen. She saw Logan standing there putting the finishing touches on some baked honey mustard chicken with vegetables he had whipped up.

Logan looked up and saw her in his robe looking so natural and at ease in it. After a moment, he realized he was staring and said, "I hope your bath was pleasant."

"Mmm, it was. Especially after that damn pipe incident…I smell honey mustard. You're makin' my favorite Cale Family Recipe. Let me see that's 2 tablespoons of honey mustard, 6 teaspoons of olive oil, with a dash of…"

"So," he said with a smile as he cut her off, "you do listen when I tell you what's in each recipe."

"Uh-huh," she said as she proudly sat on the counter. I've grown so accustomed to your cooking that now I must learn the recipes to my favorites. What if in 30 years you start to forget what's in everything? I'll be there to remind you." /Thirty years?…eating dinner together? What am I saying?/ "But the real question here is do you listen when I tell you about maintenance for my Ninja?"

"Always. What was it you said righty-tighty, lefty-losey?" He turned to serve the plates. A look of utter disappointment crossed her face when she realized that he didn't listen to her prattle on about her baby. Logan noticed her reaction and laughed to himself. /She's giving me that look. I'd better fix this before she kills me./ He pretended to roll by her but suddenly stopped looked directly at her and said, "Oh, and of course, always get black market engine parts for your baby from Penny on 5th street because they're a higher quality. Always use a low polymer oil. And the Kawasaki Ninja 250 with its - is it 55.1 inch wheel base, is better than the comparable Yamaha 250." He flashed one of his irresistible grins. Max's face brightened. She shook her head and lightly kicked the wheel of his chair. He rolled back a little and they both started to laugh. She picked up the plates and he followed her to the table.

He served the food and they began to eat. She finished quickly and got up to leave the table. "You'll have to let me finish now. I would love to sit and talk but it will take me a little time to finish. I may be genetically enhanced but that doesn't make me any faster at getting through all the stuff that goes along with formal events." She was not looking forward to the task at hand.

"We could just stay here," he called out after her. "We're closer to being dressed for a night in rather than a night out." He smiled at as he looked at himself in sweats and her in his robe.

"I know," she replied as she turned to face him. "At this point I sort of just want to stay here at home." /Home?/ Immediately following that statement, she wanted to take it back. /How in the hell could I refer to Logan's apartment as home?/ She looked over at his face and realized the statement had not been lost on him. She decided her only course of action was to pretend as though nothing had happened. "But, I am actually looking forward to putting on the dress you picked out, and once that's done there's no turning back.

"Ok." He decided to let her comment slide. "Hey, I wanted to ask you why you haven't opened the box yet."

"Well, at first I wanted to wait till the last possible moment. I had no idea what you chose and I liked the mystery. Then when I knew I had to come over here, I decided that it would be fun to see your face when I put it on. I mean after all the dress is your choice. Don't you want to be there for the unveiling?" She knew she was being slightly flirtatious but she didn't care. She wasn't accustomed to formals. The only one she had been to was his cousins wedding. She didn't exactly hit any proms or dances growing up. In fact when she thought of her childhood and adolescence, she was surprised that she was a functional adult. "Logan you should go get dressed and I'll go finish up and call you when I'm done." He nodded as he turned away. Just as she was about to disappear behind the door she said, "Oh and Logan," he turned around, "don't forget to shave." And she was gone.

Half an hour later Max called Logan's name and instructed him to wait in his favorite room. She was joking about his obsession with his computer room. He knew this, but couldn't help himself from saying, "I cant, my favorite room is whatever room you're in." His corny remark made even him smile.

"Oh!…what a line," she yelled back. "Just wait near my door." He did as he was told.

Seconds later, she came out of the door in what seemed like slow motion. The dress fit perfectly. It was elegant and sexy. Every inch of material picked up every curve that was to be accentuated. It was the perfect length and color. The style was flattering and he had specifically chosen a dress with a side slit because he knew it would allow her to move more freely. He knew she hated anything that restricted her movement. Logan couldn't believe that everything had worked out so perfectly. He was happy that she liked the dress and that he hadn't totally screwed up such a sensitive mission. Everything was perfect. No words could do justice, however, he felt the awkwardness of the moment and decided to break it up a bit. He simply rolled over to her, took her hand, kissed it, and in a dashing manner said, "May I have the honor of taking the most beautiful genetically enhanced," she shot him and evil look, "princess. I was going to say may I have the honor of taking the most beautiful genetically enhanced princess to the ball."

She smiled and understanding that he was trying to lighten the intensity of the moment, said, "But of course my most charming meal ticket."

The banquet hall had all the usual suspects. The elite of Seattle were present patting themselves on the back. Max was sickened by the display. She knew that they had only given money to ease their consciences, not out of any sense of civic duty. The only good times were when some of the people who had been helped spoke about returning the favor and new things they were going to work on. The people who had the least were prepared to do the most and this made her feel that the work wasn't an act of futility.

The speeches ended after some time and everyone began to dance and mingle. Max was hanging back talking to Logan about new things they could do to ensure there would be no further embezzling. They were making a list of the people Eyes Only should keep an eye on. They discussed the situation with the phone lines because many executives for Seatel, the company that owned the rights to Seattle's phone lines were there flashing a lot of cash. All in all, they were having a decent time. In fact, the only unfortunate aspect of the evening was when she left Logan's side. Other people who knew Logan wanted to introduce her to more of Seattle's elite. She had been seen with Logan enough times for people to believe that she would be around for a while. They were always trying to figure out what her angle was- they just assumed she was after his money. That didn't really matter to them. They were ultimately more interested in finding out whether her interests at all aligned with theirs. She hated being forced to leave the ease of Logan's company but did it for the sake of keeping up some appearances. However, she did let her feelings towards a few people creep out. It got tedious rather quickly because every time she was introduced to an unattached man, they would try to persuade her to dance with them. It wasn't a particularly surprising situation, but she consistently made it clear that she would rather sit with Logan. The men didn't listen and by the end of the evening, she had politely turned down over a dozen men. She couldn't figure out why they wouldn't take 'no' for an answer. She thought it would actually come to blows with some of the more inebriated ones to get them to back off.

This state of affairs was not lost on Logan. Each time he saw a new man approach her he felt a tug at his pride. He knew he couldn't ask her to dance anytime soon. He wondered why she didn't just accept a few offers. He hated to see her just sit with him. She was vibrant and beautiful and she had a spark that everyone could see. He wanted her to enjoy herself. He knew that she enjoyed his company, but sometimes he couldn't help feel that spending time with him was like sitting around waiting for your own muscles to atrophy. He couldn't stand it. His mood had gotten so bad that he stopped speaking to people. He just sat at the table while conversation happened around him.

Max had noticed his mood change but, it wasn't until the car ride home, that she decided to bring it up. She had a vague idea what the problem was but didn't want to jump to conclusions. /It's always the same argument. He'll tell me that he feels like half a man and I'll tell him that it isn't true. Then he'll get over it until the next time something happens./ She tried to talk to him the entire ride back but he insisted on sulking and then he suddenly told her that he thought she only stuck around because she pitied him.

When they returned to his apartment, he unlocked the door and waited for her to go in. She turned to speak to him and he rolled by without looking at her. She couldn't believe how childish he was being and so she decided to have it out with him. Sometimes his mood swings were worse than hers. However, she didn't have quite as much patience with his as he did with hers.

"Stop. Right. There," she said sternly and slowly as he rolled into the next room.

He turned to face her and said nothing. He just stared at her. His heart almost broke when he saw her because he knew that he was entirely too wrapped up in something that he could never complete. He knew that there was the possibility that he would not be able to spend the rest of his life with her and at that moment, the hopelessness consumed him.

"Ahhhhh. I'm so tired of all the talk about only being half a man."

So consumed in self-pity he snapped back "I can't dance with you. I can't do a lot of things for you. I can't even walk over to you so forgive me if I just can't take it sometimes." He sounded so hurt and helpless when he spoke. With that comment, Max wanted to regain her calmness, but couldn't reign her temper in.

"You seem to think that I actually give a damn about the fact that you're in that chair. Do you really think I'm that shallow? Believe me I'm not. Remember where I came from. I've seen people with so many problems, your chair pales in comparison. What… you think that just because you can't feel anything below the waist that you are not a whole man? Believe me that's not the measure of a true man anymore than breasts and beauty are the measure of a woman. You should know that by now and if you don't, you have a very shallow grasp of the sexes." The comment about breast and beauty was a veiled reference to Val and Logan's having been betrayed by her and they both knew it. There was a woman who had a body and good looks and was not in Max's opinion what a real woman should have been. She was also certain that many of Logan's female friends had been similar to Val. /Maybe he really doesn't know that there are women who look beyond the superficial. No. He's too smart to not know. He's just pitying himself./ "Logan, I see women throw themselves at you even in the chair. Like tonight. Every time I left you this evening my seat did not go cold. Clearly the chair is not an issue." She was beginning to lose complete control but chose to reign it in and try a different approach. She chose something that she learned form Logan. She tried complete honesty for his benefit. /I made it clear that I expect it of him. I should be willing to try it too./ Better late than never she figured.

"Logan," she began slowly after a deep breath, "I need you to listen to every word I'm about to say without interruption." She looked down at him to see his response. She was standing there in the near darkness prepared to delve into some of her deepest feelings and she needed to know that he was with her. These were feelings she had never allowed herself to dwell on. "Logan," she snapped, "did you hear me?"

"Yes."

"What I'm about to say I think you really should hear. I think that your hearing it is more important than my fear of saying it…more important than my fear of losing control over what I'm saying this very moment." She began to get quieter yet her voice found a steadiness she did not know she could muster in the situation. "And you know I hate to lose control." She was full of such compassion and yet such intense heartache. He had to pay attention, despite his desire to shutdown. His silent acquiescence told Max he was finally really prepared to listen.

"When we first met, you had me stare into the mirror with you. Then…staring with you and at you staring at me…I fell into your life and I knew I would have to return to you. I did and I eventually fell into your arms," she paused, "and it was at that point I knew I would be a permanent fixture in your life as you would be in mine." She stopped again. She couldn't figure out her thoughts. She was just speaking. Her mind was nothing but a white haze --her own fogbank. But, without letting it stop her, she continued. "It felt safe and it felt normal. It felt as though that was the way things were supposed to be. I don't know where it's taking us and ..." She paused again and then regained some ability to continue.

"Let me start again. I know that you must know by now that you are attractive man. I'm sure many women have stroked that ego of yours by telling you. And frankly, I don't disagree with them. You are attractive." Logan didn't smile. He didn't move. He knew that she was not simply trying to stroke his ego to cheer him up. It wasn't her style. "However, to me, it isn't your looks, your ability to stand, or your ability to bed a woman that makes you truly appealing. Do you really think that is all there is to it?" It was a rhetorical question, but she needed the moment to get her thoughts straight. She wanted her next words to be stated perfectly. She was beginning to get numb and she could see that he still had no visible reaction. /Is he in shock or something? Maybe I should stop. No! For once I have to finish what I've started./ He didn't seem to be responding and she was beginning to lose her composure again. Yet, she remained steady for his sake as he had done for her in the past.

"What makes you attractive, appealing, sexy –I don't know you chose the word…what makes you all of those things is how remarkably caring you are. How stable people feel in your presence and in your arms. What makes you sexy to me is how compassionate you are toward so many people. A lot of the time without thanks and yet you still continue. You try to teach me that everyday. It's about how when I disagree with you, I have no fear of being shot down. And you know I mean literally as well as figuratively. You hold your ground but you never try to break me. You'll never turn around and walk away. /Dammit! You're blowing it. Oh whatever, hopefully he's stopped pitying himself long enough to really understand what I'm saying./ "Not for long at least." /Was that a smile that crossed his face?/ "What makes you those words I mentioned before… and they are just words --is that no matter how much you care about other people, you will still always take the time to listen to me, and worry about me, and care about me, and make me feel like I am the most important thing in your life."

"Logan Cale you are incredibly steadying to me and I'm not just talking about the way you hold me still during a seizure. You are everything that my life wasn't when I was in Manticore." The statement was made as though it were the most obvious fact in the world, yet her tone was pleading with him to believe it. "I honestly almost don't regret Manticore because it brought me to you. You never force me to do anything and you're always completely natural and never sterile. You handle my mood swings with understanding and my family problems with patience." Max knew that she still wasn't getting it quite right. She knew her thoughts were somewhat disjointed. She knew emotional outburst were untidy, but she never realized how much so. But, this was not a two-part conversation and as poorly as she had muddled her way through things thus far, she knew she had to get to the end. She decided that she should tell him something she had already planned to let him know one day. She just never planned to do it like this but she was already walking the path. "But, Logan…I would say that your fear is probably the sexiest thing about you." She paused for a moment to look at him before she continued. "You're afraid of the unknown just as much as I am. That's why we both need control. We're so afraid of the future. You're afraid that you may not walk and I'm afraid that you won't allow me to care and make my own decisions when it comes to you. I'm afraid you'll shut me out. You're afraid of losing me over the chair and I'm afraid of losing you over that damn chair. We share the same fear. You're the only person in the world that could understand that."

"And the only reason why I use the word sexy is because you seem to equate being a man with sex. And I want you to know that it so much more than that. I've met all kinds of men who can bed women. Some of these men also beat women and use women and a number of other horrible things. They… are not real men." Logan knew that these were very personal experiences that she was talking about and understood how hard this speech was for her. It was at this point he really began to realize that she had intended to stick it out with him…to be with him. He had no idea she was going to be so intense. He let her continue without interruption.

"Logan, even if nothing ever comes of this, the intimacy that we have right here, right now…well, I am right now closer to you than I have been to any other man in my life. Logan, you have to understand that you are a man in all the ways that most men will never be. Ever. You give me more pleasure…" Max paused so that she could word it perfectly. She continued the thought with, "more pleasure, in letting me get close enough to share my messed up life with you, than I have ever had. If anyone should feel bad about the situation here it should be me. Because if you want to quantify pleasure with what's below the waist I may never be able to give back to you what you think you have to give to me. Men aren't the only ones who have issues with their… prowess. I'm not going to deny that your condition may pose a bit of a…challenge. In Manticore, the girls learned at an early age that in certain situations men were excellent targets because they were easily satisfied. So, if I can't make it happen, then I've failed. Only in this case, I will have failed you. Yeah, you heard me. I'm a little worried about that situation in the future… especially with you feeling this way." At that moment she forced herself to bite down on her tongue. /Uhhh…why did I say that. I didn't have to be that honest. God…whatever…its already out there… / She had just a few more things to say to wrap up her confession. /Why not tell him of my simple little thoughts about the future...can't really do much more damage./ So, in a relatively resigned tone, at least resigned for Max, she simply said, "If…no, when, when our relationship got to that point, I was hoping that we would be so far past this issue that we would be able to focus on more challenging aspects." Max's resolve had broken and she had nothing more to say. She had purged every emotion and was left feeling rather empty. She looked down at her feet and then she looked up. Before she looked into Logan's eyes, before she got lost in the still blue sea of color, she said, "Lets face it Logan Cale, I would take you any way I could get you. Everyone else can see that…why can't you?" She looked up and directly into his eyes again and felt cold, her knees suddenly feeling as though they were going to buckle beneath her weight. She was now fully aware of the defeatist tone of her final words and adrenaline that was still coursing through her body and it was dizzying. She hated acutely her senses were now registering everything. She wanted to both run over comfort, and be comforted by him. /I can't. This is about his issues not mine. God, I've let myself get so weak. Even if I returned to Manticore they would probably have to destroy me. No amount of reprogramming could fix this./ She had nothing left to say and couldn't quite grasp the implications of what had happened in the last five minutes. She just stood there. It wasn't until a chill crossed her body that she began to feel again. She knew she would really have to think about it later so she decided to just wait until she was back at home. She didn't know what she would do and she didn't know how to handle Logan's response. She just wanted to let it sit in the air. The silence was absolutely deafening. She knew she had to leave. She also knew that he had her number and that when he was ready he would call.

Space Needle

'Well, it was bound to happen. At least I said it all. Probably too, much but its done. I just didn't see it coming. Wonder how long it'll take him to come around?'

That's chapter one. Please R&R. Thanks.