AN/ Um, just don't ask, okay? It's the product of one diseased mind, a lot of tequila, and a group of friends with a loaded camcorder...
Disclaimer: Not mine.
THE BLAIR CANNIBAL PROJECT.
The man holds up the camcorder, fiddling with the knobs on the side. He puts his eye to the view finder and gives a sigh of exasperation. The picture is blurred. A fuzzy shape moves into the picture, coming closer. A hand covers the lens for a moment, then the shape is brought sharply into focus. It is a woman, small and slim with long red hair. She laughs.
"Hannibal, you are the only man I know who can't work a video camera."
The camera approaches her fast and she backs away, still laughing. "Hannibal, *what* are you doing?"
Hannibal Lecter, on the other end of the camera, grinned as he zoomed in close to her face, then down, moving over every inch of her. She giggled girlishly as he circled her, wiggling her hips suggestively as he moved the camera back up, finishing with an uncharacteristically 'tasteless' close-up of her cleavage. Clarice batted the camera away.
"Get out of it" she growled as the camera moved in again. Then the picture blurred, and Hannibal swore.
"Clarice! How do you focus this thing again?"
"Give it here. Honestly, men! Anyway, it's my turn now."
"No, I haven't finished with it yet." A view of the top of her head, as he held the camcorder out of her reach.
"Hannibal..." she said warningly. "You don't even know how to focus it." Clarice grinned. "The most intelligent man I know, and you can't work a simple little thing like -"
"Drop it, Clarice. I can work it, the instructions weren't very clear, that's all..."
She sniggered at the camera. "Sure."
Clarice suddenly darted forward, filling the screen. A sudden, quick view of the ceiling as Hannibal was sent sprawling onto the couch, then it faded to black.
"Hey sexy, smile for the camera." The blackness was replaced with an indolent Hannibal Lecter, lounging at ease on the couch. He looked up and sighed.
"Still playing with that thing, Clarice?" Then he quite deliberately crossed his eyes, rolling them alarmingly.
The camera shook as Clarice laughed. "Are you going to sluuuuurp as well?" she wanted to know.
"Me? Come sit here, my dear." He patted the couch invitingly. "I've got wine..."
Clarice flung herself onto the couch, blurring the picture again. Fiddling with the lens, she brought Dr Lecter's infamous profile into sharp focus. She zoomed in on his face, then in on his ear.
"Mm, hairy ears." Her imitation of his voice was spot on. "You know what you look like to me, with your *spooky* eyes and furry ears?"
He turned his head towards her, eyes filling the lens. "The Big Bad Wolf" he growled, coming closer.
She laughed, wobbling the camera. "I was thinking more like Count Dracula, y'know, from the Coppola movie. He had hairy ears. And *what* big teeth..."
An extreme close-up of Dr Lecter's own teeth as he breathed on the lens, buffing it with his shirt cuff.
"And I never drink...wine" he said, taking a sip of Batard Montrachet. "I've heard it said that young ladies find the good Count so attractive because he's *dangerous*" Hannibal grinned, stealthily closing on her. The camera moved back. "Why do you suppose that is? Answer me now..."
The camera tilted upwards. Hannibal had pounced. A moment later, a hand had covered the lens.
"I think we can turn this off now, Clarice. Don't you?"
When the camera came on again, it was aimed at a door. A large hand gripped the doorknob, and Dr Lecter's voice spoke in a whisper.
"Having tracked this elusive creature here, in her favourite habitat, we should see some of the behaviour peculiar to this most *rare* of birds..."
He opened the door and slipped inside, adjusting the camera. It was a bathroom, and Clarice Starling was in the bath.
"See how she enjoys the warm water - this beautiful creature is often to be found luxuriating in the bath - often for *hours* at a time."
Clarice's head snapped round. "Hannibal Lecter" she growled. "You get that thing outta here, *now*."
"She is ferocious in the defence of her territory" he whispered, David Attenborough style. Clarice glared at him, then hurled - with great accuracy - a very wet, soapy sponge. It hit him in the face. Dr Lecter spluttered. "And a very good shot, to boot. Isn't she *cute*?"
The camera moved closer still. "You're pushing it" Clarice warned, trying to conceal a smile.
"You wouldn't dare."
"Try me." Her hands shot out, grabbing him and pulling him down. The camera spun as Dr Lecter dropped it on the carpet. There was a splash and an outraged yell. He ended up in the tub, clothes and all. Clarice laughed wickedly. "The female of the species is more deadly than the male" she teased.
"Really?" he said, spitting out suds.
The camera tilted again to reveal Clarice's face. She peered into the lens, before reaching past to turn it off.
The camera was on again, focused (nearly) on Hannibal Lecter, standing in the middle of the main room. Clarice re-focused quickly, training the camera on him.
"And ACTION!"
Dr Lecter struck a very camp pose, raising his hands above his head. Music started from somewhere. He brought his hands down sharply, then raised an imaginary mike.
"Oops!...I did it again. I played with your heart, got lost in the game..."
The camera shook wildly with Clarice's muffled laughter as he continued to belt out Britney Spears.
"Oh baby, baby...Oops!...you think I'm in lurrve, that I'm sent from above. I'm not that innocent."
"That's true" Clarice murmured, before collapsing onto the couch with an attack of the giggles.
He danced towards the camera, steadier now, and held out his hand.
"Clarice, before you go, there's something I want you to have."
"What?"
He grinned. "Play along, little Starling."
"What is it?"
He winked for the camera. "It's in the dining room, Clarice..."
Two weeks later, the FBI busted the large house owned by Mr and Mrs Le Roux. They were too late to catch the 'Le Roux' couple, who fled the country a couple of hours ahead of the law, but they did find plenty of evidence to prove that the Le Roux were indeed Hannibal Lecter and Clarice Starling. One piece of evidence overlooked at first, was the video camera in the study. It was valuable because it proved that Clarice and Hannibal had lived there, and because of its...uniqueness.
Hardened FBI agents definately appreciated Clarice Starling in the bath, but they also found Dr Lecter's rendition of 'Oops! I Did It Again' highly amusing. Some enterprising agent sold a copy of the home video to national television, from there it was even broadcast abroad.
Across the Atlantic, in a London hotel, Dr Lecter sat in a chair, head in his hands. Clarice slipped past him, turning on the television as she went. The Nine O-Clock News was on.
"Turn it off" he growled, glaring at the news presenter.
"No way." She grinned. "It's just too good to miss."
"I'm glad you think so. I notice they didn't show that bit with you in the bath."
"Naturally not. That would be tasteless."
On the TV, the presenter allowed himself a grin. "And now, an, uh, unusual story from the US. Britney Spears has an unusual fan. The infamous serial killer Dr Hannibal 'the Cannibal' Lecter appears to have developed, ah - a taste for teen pop. This clip released by American national television has stunned the world..."
Dr Lecter groaned. "I'll never live it down, Clarice. Can you imagine? The worlds most dangerous man, remembered for a bad rendition of that hideous pop song?"
Back on the TV - "The famous pop star is currently unavailable for comment, but it is understood that the security around her has been tightened up as Lecter is still at large."
Clarice patted Dr Lecter's shoulder sympathetically. "Well, it could have been worse" she said. "It could have been Hear'Say."
AN/ What can I say? I know Hear'Say are unheard of in the US, but I was hard pressed to think of anything worse than Britney Spears. And I apologise for her, by the way. Well - not FOR her, but for making him sing that song. You know what I mean. I think she'd make a very excellent fry-up :)
Ta ta,
Screaming Ferret.