Obi-Wan Kenobi, Jedi Knight (at least for now), strode purposefully toward the main hangar at the Queen's Palace at Theed on the planet of Naboo. After his initial shock and dismay (to put it mildly) at discovering the continued existence of Darth Maul, he had recovered admirably (if he did say so himself) and was now intent on rescuing Saché, the Queen's handmaiden, from Maul's clutches. Behind Obi-Wan marched his loyal and devoted (only a slight exaggeration) Padawan, Anakin Skywalker. Together, the intrepid duo would set forth on their perilous (no exaggeration there) mission, defeat the evil Sith, recover the Queen's precious lipstick, and return to Theed in triumph (and hopefully, no later than Tuesday night, when the season finale of Buffy, the Sith-Slayer was scheduled to air).
"Obi-Wan!" Anakin's breathless voice interrupted the Jedi's thoughts. "Slow down! I can't go any faster dragging this stupid luggage of yours."
Obi-Wan stopped and wheeled around to face his Padawan. "You packed it, brat. Now deal with it."
Anakin's fury was evident in his face. The boy raised his hand and pinched his fingers together. Obi-Wan felt a tickle in his throat, a slight tightening. He coughed, then sneezed. Ani's face fell. Obi-Wan laughed humorlessly. "Trying to use a Force choke on me, are you? You have a long way to go, Padawan, before I have anything to fear from you." Thank the Force, he commented silently. "When we return from this mission, I will have something to say to the Jedi Council about your behavior. There will no doubt be a review of your status and it is possible that you will be expelled. Yoda was right. There is too much anger in you, and I, for one, am just sick and tired of having to put up with it!"
Anakin hung his head and sighed. "You're right, Master Obi-Wan, sir. I'm a bad Padawan. I don't deserve to be a Jedi like you. I guess the Council will send me back to Tatooine."
"You're not bad, Anakin," Obi-Wan said, mollified by the boy's repentance. "Just misguided and impetuous. Why, when I was a Padawan, I often--"
"--used a Force choke on Master Qui-Gon?" Anakin offered eagerly.
"Why, no! I never would have dreamed of--"
"--crossing the wires in his lightsaber so he got a painful, near-fatal shock?"
"No!! . . . uh, Anakin, have you--"
"--put poisonous dakk'a bugs in your clean underwear? Why, no, Obi-Wan, sir. I would never do such a thing." Anakin grinned. "Well, let's be on our way, Master. I've enjoyed hearing these most interesting stories of your youthful pranks, but Darth Maul must be halfway to Yavin 4 by now. We don't want to give him too much time to secure the Sith temple."
Obi-Wan goggled at Anakin. "Sith temple?! How do you know so much about Maul and his plans? How do you even know he's headed for the moons of Yavin?"
Anakin looked down at the floor, where what appeared to be a dakk'a bug was scurrying away from Obi-Wan's duffle. He surreptitiously crushed it with his toe before replying. "Oh, he told me."
"You actually spoke with him? What exactly did he say?"
"He said, 'Tell Candy-Ass Kenobi I'm waiting for him at the deserted Sith temple on Yavin 4. Tell him to bring his lightsaber. Tell him to hurry. Tell him he's going to die.' He was cool."
"C-cc-c-ool?" Into Obi-Wan's mind came a picture of his bloody corpse, lying on the cold stone floor of a Sith temple on the Force-forsaken fourth moon of Yavin. He felt what courage he had managed to scratch together bleat and roll over with its feet in the air.
"Yeah, wizard! How come Jedi don't get tattoos?"
Still contemplating his forthcoming tragic demise, Obi-Wan answered absently. "Well, some do. Master Qui-Gon, for instance, had a really lovely one of Master Yoda on his--" He hesitated, but Anakin yanked the image from his mind.
"On his ASS?!!" Anakin shrieked with incredulous laughter. "And how do you know?"
Obi-Wan blushed furiously. "He . . . he told me. And just shut up about it!"
"Wooo-hooo!" Anakin hooted. "I'm sure Qui-Gon and Yoda had a very special relationship. It's quite nauseat--pardon me, touching-- to imagine!"
Obi-Wan sputtered wordlessly as Anakin turned and began dragging the duffle toward the hangar. After a moment he attempted to follow, but sprawled on his face at the first step. Obi-Wan's howl of rage echoed through the marble halls. The brat had used the Force to tie his bootlaces together.