**********
Heero starts to approach me, and I throw up a hand in warning. "Stop-don't cross the circle." I stand and look around on the ground for my athame. When I find it, I look up again and realize that Heero has come as close as possible to the circle's edge without crossing it...and he's still looking at me. For a moment, I can't decide if I'm glad or disappointed that I decided to not work skyclad [1], but I put that out of my mind.
Heero opens his mouth, and I shake my head. "Not-not yet." I don't think I've ever dismantled a circle so fast in my life. When I feel that the energy and the elements have returned to their normal states, I regard Heero. "Why were you watching me?" I ask. "And for how long?"
I didn't know that Heero could look uncertain, but he does. "I...followed you out here," he admits, not meeting my eyes.
"Why?" I take a seat at the foot of a tree. Knowing Heero, we could be here forever while I try and drag answers out of him.
"Why did you run away?" he retorts, sitting down next to me.
Fine...we'll play this his way. "Hell, Heero-you saw what was going on in there. You were even part of it." I drop my gaze to my lap. "I...just had to get out of there. I know you think this is a waste of time and that my vision isn't real. But...to have people say basically that you're lying, or hallucinating, or evil...." I swallow. "It hurts," I finish in a broken whisper. "It really does. I...needed to balance myself again."
He's silent for a minute. "I don't know why I followed you," he says. I sit up-I hadn't expected him to actually answer my question. "I saw you leave...and I felt like I had to follow you." Heero's eyes narrow. "You didn't cast some sort of spell on me, did you?" he demands.
"I thought you didn't believe in that stuff," I say, trying to lighten the mood. He just continues to glare at me and I sigh. "No," I say. "It would be unethical and unforgivable to cast a spell of that sort. I would never force anyone to do anything against their will." I may want Heero's love, but not enough to compromise everything I hold sacred. Besides, his love wouldn't be...real, if it was because of something on my part. And that's not what I want.
We fall silent. My eyes travel to the sky, and I can't help swallowing as my vision automatically tracks the moon, just reminding me of something I'd *really* like to forget...but I can't. I shiver-now that I'm still and out of my space, I'm feeling the chill in the air. "Heero? What's going on inside-because I'm getting cold, but I don't think I can handle another scene like the one I left."
Heero looks at me. "Better give it a few more minutes. Wufei walked away, but Quatre was trying to calm Trowa."
I wince. "Damn...that's my fault, too. If I managed to damage their relationship...."
Heero's finger descending on my lips shocks me into silence. "Duo...if their love is true, then would this really destroy them?"
"I...I guess not."
His eyes pin me. "And if they're really your friends, won't they accept you for who you are?"
I pull back a little. "Who are you and what have you done with Heero? Besides...weren't you one of the ones telling me that I'm delusional and there's no such thing as being able to See the future and magick and all that?"
He leans back against the tree again. "I don't know. When I was watching you...I felt something. You...seemed so...calm. At peace. I think I got to see who you really are. So...maybe there's no such thing as magic and foretelling...but...." He leans closer to me, hand moving to brush my cheek, cupping it. "It seems to exist for you." I look into Heero's eyes, and for a second, I think I see the person he would've been in another dimension, who he was in another lifetime...not the silent killer, but someone...else.... But he pulls away and the moment is broken.
"Damn you, Duo," he hisses, standing abruptly. "You've cast some sort of spell on me."
I blink back the tears that I feel forming in my eyes again. For a second I thought that, maybe, it was possible that Heero feels something for me, but.... I rise to my feet as well, picking up my bag. "No, Heero. I never placed a spell on you-how could I, when you placed your spell on me long ago?" Without bothering to see his reaction to my words, I flee, running for the relative safety of the house. Relative, since, well, it's going to be gone soon, and I know the hostility in there is thick, but I can deal with that.
What I *can't* deal with is knowing that, with those few words, I had basically laid my heart bare. And it hurts, in a way more than earlier had. Friendships can be restructured, but hearts...hearts never truly heal. They always carry the ghost of cracks.
And those cracks hurt...sometimes as much as the original injury.
I realize that I'm standing there with my head pressed to the doorframe. Gathering my courage, I enter the house...to be confronted with Trowa standing in the living room, by all appearances waiting for me. I can't read the expression on his face, and, honestly, my mood is so frayed that I don't care.
"Good evening, Trowa. I suppose you think I was out there sacrificing goats and fornicating with demons. So sorry to disappoint." I move to walk by him, but he moves into my path.
"Duo. Wait."
I stop, but I refuse to meet his eyes.
"Duo...I want to apologize for the way I reacted before. I...didn't understand. I still don't, but you are my friend...and I know that the Duo I know isn't evil-far from it."
I sigh. "But you still don't believe me." It's not a question. I know his answer before he says it.
"I...Duo, it's a hard story to swallow. Even Quatre...."
"I know, Trowa. I really do. Just...thank you for apologizing." I try to move around him again and this time he lets me.
"Duo?"
I don't bother turning around. "Yeah?"
"Where's Heero?"
I can feel my shoulders slump. "Outside still." My tone must forestall any further questions, because he doesn't try to stop me again as I finally make into the hall.
When I reach my-our-room, I pause for a second. Do I want to go right to bed, in hopes that I will either be asleep or that I can feign sleep when Heero comes back, or do I listen to my body-and everything I've learned about purification-and take a shower? Shower. I need to feel the comforting caress of water on my skin after a night like tonight.
Entering the bathroom, I shed my clothes, turning the water on, allowing a steamy mist to fill the room. Stepping under the hot flow, I absently reach for my soap-for some reason, no one else touches the sandalwood/lavender mix that I find so soothing-and wash. I can feel the water rinsing away the negativity and impurities of the mind. Not everything has to be full of rituals-any moment can be an act of communing with the Gods. It's not something you have to limit to stratified forms and functions.
Especially when you're a Solitary like me. Especially where's there no one out there you can trust, no way of making contact with others in the Craft....
Especially when your life can suddenly be numbered in hours-because if the others never believe me, I certainly won't run and save myself. I'll face my fate with them.
Especially when your world is crashing down around you.
Sighing, I turn off the water. After I dry off and throw on a clean pair of boxers, I make my way back to the room I share with Heero. I'm not sure if I'm hoping if he's there so we can talk, or if he hasn't returned yet....
I probably should've specified a third choice-because he's here, but he's doing what I had contemplated earlier. I don't know if he's asleep or not. In case he really is asleep, I enter the room much more quietly than normal.
He doesn't acknowledge my presence, not really-but I've spent so much time secretly watching him that I see the subtle tension that enters his frame that others would've missed. He knows I'm here. He just doesn't want to have anything to do with me. Sighing, I curl up in my own bed, back to Heero for the first time in...a long time. Even when he's mad, he at least acknowledges me somehow-usually with an 'omae o korosu,' but it's still *something*. This...this is deeper than anger.
And what with potentially losing respect from my friends, losing trust, possibly losing my *life*....
It's almost unbearable. But I'll bear it. Even though I make sure to sleep with a pouch of mugwort [2] and a tiger's eye [3] with me...just in case.
**********
end part 4
[1] Nude
[2] An herb that's used for protection and healing dreams.
[3] A *gorgeous* stone that has protective qualities. It's a stone ruled by the elements Fire and Air. It can be really powerful-mine, for example, is warded to protect me from harm intended through occult means, since there *are* people out there who practice the black arts...for most Wiccans, we consider it common sense to keep something like this around. Though I think Duo is using it more as a protection from any negative vibrations *he* might end up sending off in his pain.
**********
Heero starts to approach me, and I throw up a hand in warning. "Stop-don't cross the circle." I stand and look around on the ground for my athame. When I find it, I look up again and realize that Heero has come as close as possible to the circle's edge without crossing it...and he's still looking at me. For a moment, I can't decide if I'm glad or disappointed that I decided to not work skyclad [1], but I put that out of my mind.
Heero opens his mouth, and I shake my head. "Not-not yet." I don't think I've ever dismantled a circle so fast in my life. When I feel that the energy and the elements have returned to their normal states, I regard Heero. "Why were you watching me?" I ask. "And for how long?"
I didn't know that Heero could look uncertain, but he does. "I...followed you out here," he admits, not meeting my eyes.
"Why?" I take a seat at the foot of a tree. Knowing Heero, we could be here forever while I try and drag answers out of him.
"Why did you run away?" he retorts, sitting down next to me.
Fine...we'll play this his way. "Hell, Heero-you saw what was going on in there. You were even part of it." I drop my gaze to my lap. "I...just had to get out of there. I know you think this is a waste of time and that my vision isn't real. But...to have people say basically that you're lying, or hallucinating, or evil...." I swallow. "It hurts," I finish in a broken whisper. "It really does. I...needed to balance myself again."
He's silent for a minute. "I don't know why I followed you," he says. I sit up-I hadn't expected him to actually answer my question. "I saw you leave...and I felt like I had to follow you." Heero's eyes narrow. "You didn't cast some sort of spell on me, did you?" he demands.
"I thought you didn't believe in that stuff," I say, trying to lighten the mood. He just continues to glare at me and I sigh. "No," I say. "It would be unethical and unforgivable to cast a spell of that sort. I would never force anyone to do anything against their will." I may want Heero's love, but not enough to compromise everything I hold sacred. Besides, his love wouldn't be...real, if it was because of something on my part. And that's not what I want.
We fall silent. My eyes travel to the sky, and I can't help swallowing as my vision automatically tracks the moon, just reminding me of something I'd *really* like to forget...but I can't. I shiver-now that I'm still and out of my space, I'm feeling the chill in the air. "Heero? What's going on inside-because I'm getting cold, but I don't think I can handle another scene like the one I left."
Heero looks at me. "Better give it a few more minutes. Wufei walked away, but Quatre was trying to calm Trowa."
I wince. "Damn...that's my fault, too. If I managed to damage their relationship...."
Heero's finger descending on my lips shocks me into silence. "Duo...if their love is true, then would this really destroy them?"
"I...I guess not."
His eyes pin me. "And if they're really your friends, won't they accept you for who you are?"
I pull back a little. "Who are you and what have you done with Heero? Besides...weren't you one of the ones telling me that I'm delusional and there's no such thing as being able to See the future and magick and all that?"
He leans back against the tree again. "I don't know. When I was watching you...I felt something. You...seemed so...calm. At peace. I think I got to see who you really are. So...maybe there's no such thing as magic and foretelling...but...." He leans closer to me, hand moving to brush my cheek, cupping it. "It seems to exist for you." I look into Heero's eyes, and for a second, I think I see the person he would've been in another dimension, who he was in another lifetime...not the silent killer, but someone...else.... But he pulls away and the moment is broken.
"Damn you, Duo," he hisses, standing abruptly. "You've cast some sort of spell on me."
I blink back the tears that I feel forming in my eyes again. For a second I thought that, maybe, it was possible that Heero feels something for me, but.... I rise to my feet as well, picking up my bag. "No, Heero. I never placed a spell on you-how could I, when you placed your spell on me long ago?" Without bothering to see his reaction to my words, I flee, running for the relative safety of the house. Relative, since, well, it's going to be gone soon, and I know the hostility in there is thick, but I can deal with that.
What I *can't* deal with is knowing that, with those few words, I had basically laid my heart bare. And it hurts, in a way more than earlier had. Friendships can be restructured, but hearts...hearts never truly heal. They always carry the ghost of cracks.
And those cracks hurt...sometimes as much as the original injury.
I realize that I'm standing there with my head pressed to the doorframe. Gathering my courage, I enter the house...to be confronted with Trowa standing in the living room, by all appearances waiting for me. I can't read the expression on his face, and, honestly, my mood is so frayed that I don't care.
"Good evening, Trowa. I suppose you think I was out there sacrificing goats and fornicating with demons. So sorry to disappoint." I move to walk by him, but he moves into my path.
"Duo. Wait."
I stop, but I refuse to meet his eyes.
"Duo...I want to apologize for the way I reacted before. I...didn't understand. I still don't, but you are my friend...and I know that the Duo I know isn't evil-far from it."
I sigh. "But you still don't believe me." It's not a question. I know his answer before he says it.
"I...Duo, it's a hard story to swallow. Even Quatre...."
"I know, Trowa. I really do. Just...thank you for apologizing." I try to move around him again and this time he lets me.
"Duo?"
I don't bother turning around. "Yeah?"
"Where's Heero?"
I can feel my shoulders slump. "Outside still." My tone must forestall any further questions, because he doesn't try to stop me again as I finally make into the hall.
When I reach my-our-room, I pause for a second. Do I want to go right to bed, in hopes that I will either be asleep or that I can feign sleep when Heero comes back, or do I listen to my body-and everything I've learned about purification-and take a shower? Shower. I need to feel the comforting caress of water on my skin after a night like tonight.
Entering the bathroom, I shed my clothes, turning the water on, allowing a steamy mist to fill the room. Stepping under the hot flow, I absently reach for my soap-for some reason, no one else touches the sandalwood/lavender mix that I find so soothing-and wash. I can feel the water rinsing away the negativity and impurities of the mind. Not everything has to be full of rituals-any moment can be an act of communing with the Gods. It's not something you have to limit to stratified forms and functions.
Especially when you're a Solitary like me. Especially where's there no one out there you can trust, no way of making contact with others in the Craft....
Especially when your life can suddenly be numbered in hours-because if the others never believe me, I certainly won't run and save myself. I'll face my fate with them.
Especially when your world is crashing down around you.
Sighing, I turn off the water. After I dry off and throw on a clean pair of boxers, I make my way back to the room I share with Heero. I'm not sure if I'm hoping if he's there so we can talk, or if he hasn't returned yet....
I probably should've specified a third choice-because he's here, but he's doing what I had contemplated earlier. I don't know if he's asleep or not. In case he really is asleep, I enter the room much more quietly than normal.
He doesn't acknowledge my presence, not really-but I've spent so much time secretly watching him that I see the subtle tension that enters his frame that others would've missed. He knows I'm here. He just doesn't want to have anything to do with me. Sighing, I curl up in my own bed, back to Heero for the first time in...a long time. Even when he's mad, he at least acknowledges me somehow-usually with an 'omae o korosu,' but it's still *something*. This...this is deeper than anger.
And what with potentially losing respect from my friends, losing trust, possibly losing my *life*....
It's almost unbearable. But I'll bear it. Even though I make sure to sleep with a pouch of mugwort [2] and a tiger's eye [3] with me...just in case.
**********
end part 4
[1] Nude
[2] An herb that's used for protection and healing dreams.
[3] A *gorgeous* stone that has protective qualities. It's a stone ruled by the elements Fire and Air. It can be really powerful-mine, for example, is warded to protect me from harm intended through occult means, since there *are* people out there who practice the black arts...for most Wiccans, we consider it common sense to keep something like this around. Though I think Duo is using it more as a protection from any negative vibrations *he* might end up sending off in his pain.
**********