Morning.
I can tell before I even open my eyes that I'm alone in the room. But not in the house-I can *feel* the tension in the house-and it's all about me. Damn.
I suppose I have to face them some time...might as well be now.
Goddess, give me strength.
I throw on some clothes, ready to face whatever my fate might be. I'm about to put on my traditional cross, when I stop, my hand hovering over the chain. With a sigh, I change my mind and put on one of my pentacles instead. I've nothing to hide anymore, and I'm not about to closet myself again-I'm tired of trying to hide who I am.
Warily, I make my way into the kitchen, where everyone else is gathered around the table, staring into their respective cups. I don't think I've ever felt the tension so thick-I'm almost afraid to move, let alone speak. However-coffee is calling. I'm not about to face this much stress without caffeine.
After all, three days left and counting....
My customary chair is empty, but I choose to lean on the counter and remain standing. I'm not going to be the one to make the first move-not now. But it seems that no one is willing to look at me and acknowledge my presence. Nice to know that my last days are going to be spent being the social pariah.
Finally, Quatre glances in my direction. "Good morning, Duo. His voice sounds kind of stilted-I don't blame him.
"Morning, Quatre," I reply cautiously. "Sleep well?" Ahhh...the wonders of small talk.
"Not really."
"Bad dreams?"
He looks at me for real this time, aqua eyes piercing mine. "No. Complicated thoughts." I feel myself flush, and I look down.
"Sorry," I mumble, and I sidle out of the kitchen and into the living room, seating myself on the floor, again staring at the fireplace. The fire...what got me into this in the first place. I know it's irrational to blame the fire for my own abilities, but still...I look into my coffee mug instead.
I hear a noise behind me, and I turn. Without my noticing, everyone followed me in here. Trowa, Quatre, and Heero on the couch, Wufei in the chair...this is looking too much like last night. Shit. Last night I felt like I was on trial-is it time for sentencing now?
Somehow, I don't think I can throw myself on the mercy of *this* court.
I cover up my doubt with a smirk. "Am I just that much fun to be around that you had to follow me?" I ask. I must be feeling better than I think if I can still manage the sarcasm-this might be a good sign....
"Why are you still here?"
Then again.... I can feel my heart fall into my shoes as I turn to look at Wufei. "Did I miss something? Should I be gone? Do-" I swallow tears-"do you all want me gone?"
"Oh, no, Duo, don't think that!" Quatre looks so shocked, like he can't imagine where I ever got that idea. Guess he doesn't see....
"That's not what I meant, Maxwell. I mean, if you're so convinced that we're all going to die soon-"
"Three days," I interrupt tonelessly.
"In three days, then why are you still here? Why haven't you left?"
I meet his eyes. "Because I will meet my death with those I care about most. I refuse to leave you behind to suffer. If I can't make you believe me, then I will simply pretend that I did not receive my vision and I will live out what is left to me as I would've otherwise." My voice doesn't waver once-I'm proud of this for some reason.
"But Duo...." My eyes are pulled to Trowa. "Regardless of whether or not we believe you...something *has* changed. We might-or might not-believe what you say, but you can bet that we're going to uncertain, more cautious."
I raise an eyebrow. "And caution is a bad thing?" Silence greets this statement.
"How did we die?"
I jump-leave it to Heero to ask that question. "What?"
"I want to know-how were we killed in this vision of yours?"
I wince. "Heero...I know you're kind of morbid, but maybe everyone else doesn't want to know that."
"Actually...I'm curious myself." Trowa nods, agreeing with Wufei. I meet Quatre's eyes, silently begging him to say no.
Well, I've just confirmed that either one or both of us is not telepathic. He nods as well, albeit more reluctantly than the others. Fine...I know, I could refuse, but...well, do I have anything better to do than put myself through hell for my best friends? I mean, it's not like my social calendar is overflowing....
I close my eyes, and, almost against my will, pictures begin to form in front of my eyes. I speak.... "Wufei...multiple gunshot wounds. Trowa...shot to the head. Quatre...shot to the chest...blood everywhere. Heero...shot from behind." I open my eyes to look on four faces colored with various degrees of shock. "I hope you're happy." I feel sick....
"Duo...." Quatre blinks back tears. "I...how can you sit there like that? Your voice...it was so pained...you didn't want to...but you told us...why?"
"Because you're my friends." It's the only answer I have.
"I believe you."
I blink. "Quatre? How...how can you suddenly say that?" Trowa's looking at Quatre...I can't explain how....
"Because...you're my friend. You...the Duo I know wouldn't make something like this up as a joke-not and include our deaths as well. There has to be *something* going on...be it precognition, extreme paranoia...but something. If you think we're in danger, then...I'll believe you."
"Thank you," I whisper. I know that I've probably gotten all the support I'm going to. Wufei and Trowa are confirmed skeptics, and Heero....
I don't know what to think about him anymore. For a minute, last night, it seemed like he believed, but now...he's treating me the same as ever-colder, even. Maybe there *was* magick in the air last night, maybe I did have some sort of spell over him...but I know this much.
Spells don't work unless the person the spell is cast on is receptive to it. I could cast of the love spells I wanted on-Quatre, for example, and nothing would happen, because he doesn't love me like that...doesn't even have that possibility within him. To Quatre, I will always be a friend and brother. He wouldn't even feel a spell-he'd be oblivious [1].
If Heero feels like he's under some sort of spell, then...whatever magick was wrought last night he was receptive to. Can't pin this one all on me. I do not force or bend wills-the desire or the ability or whatever has to be in place al ready [2]. Is this a good thing or bad thing? I don't know. Because obviously Heero is in denial about feeling *anything*--so either way, it's a losing proposition for me.
"...Duo? Duo, are you all right?" I blink and drag myself back to reality.
"Yeah, Quatre, I'm fine. Just thinking." I look up and see that we're the only two left in the room. "Where did everybody go?"
"They went to think...kind of like you." He smiles, then his face becomes more serious. "It'll be all right, Duo-they just need to absorb all this. You've managed to throw everything they've ever held to be true in disarray-there's bound to be some reactions to that. Even then, that doesn't guarantee they'll believe you." He looks sorrowful.
"I don't want to be believed," I whisper. I really don't-that's not the important part any more. "I just want to be accepted for who I am-whether we have three days, three years, or three decades left to us."
"Give it time," he says, before leaving the room, leaving me alone.
Give it time. I can do that. They don't realize that I'm not as impatient as I appear to be. I can't be-otherwise, I would've made some fatal mistake and jumped Heero long ago. I know that the smart thing to do right now is to just remove myself from the situation.
Sighing, I stand and head for the door. The grove where I had raised my circle last night sounds about right to me-I know how peaceful it is, and there might still be some lingering Power around, which will aid me in grounding if I need to. I'm certainly not going to get my supplies from my room-I don't want to risk running into Heero.
As I reach the trees, I find myself sighing again. Apparently I *should* have gone to our room to avoid Heero...because here he is. He must've heard me, because he wheels around, our eyes meeting. "Duo?"
"I-I'm sorry, Heero, I didn't think anyone would be out here. I'll be going now
"No, don't go, Duo."
I pause, shocked. "What?"
He waves me over. "I want to ask you a couple things. I need more information."
I should've known. "Sure thing," I say, plastering a smile on my face as I take a seat next to Heero. "What do you want to know?"
"What were you doing out here last night?"
My eyes wander out over the ground. I can still see the circle I had cast with vision that isn't true vision-another aspect of the Sight. No circle ever completely dissolves-there's always a remnant left in the physical world. "Do you want the short answer or the long one?"
"Both."
"Fine. The short answer is that I was connecting."
"With what?"
I look at Heero and grin at the confusion he's trying to hide. "That's the long answer. What was I connecting with? The world-Nature, the universe, the life all around me. Most importantly, I was trying to connect with my Self."
"You were...disconnected?" I can't help laughing-Heero's so cute.
"Well, yeah I was. Think about it, Heero. Last night-I felt so invalidated. I still do to some degree. Wicca is a large part of me, Heero, and it took a long time for me to reconcile a religion and philosophy that celebrates life with the death I cause as Deathscythe's pilot. But I did it-it's a part of me, a part of why I'm here. I kill so the greater world can one day know peace. And discovering that helped me make peace with myself. But then...I find myself in the unique position where everything I am is being disbelieved, mocked, and dismissed. Yeah, I think that qualifies as disconnected."
I stretch out on the grass, resting my head on my arms and staring at the sky. "I don't like feeling like something as simple as religion is turning my friends against me. It's not a matter of what I saw or not anymore-it's a matter of tolerance and acceptance. I was your friend before without you knowing about Wicca. Now that you know-I didn't majorly change in that second. I'm still the same person, only with one more aspect of my life known." I blink-I've been crying a lot, lately....
Heero lays down beside me, propping his head up so he can look into my eyes. "I didn't realize you felt that way, Duo...that we were making you feel that way." He looks away. "I'm sorry."
I'm not normally an empath-I can usually only claim that when I'm either in a trance state or in the circle-but right now, I can *feel* Heero's guilt. He really does feel bad....
I lift up my hand and caress Heero's cheek, turning his face so he's looking at me again. "Just answer me this question," I say softly, putting every bit of seriousness I have in my words. "Do you still think of me as your friend, or have I really changed so much that you can't contemplate ever liking or trusting me again?"
He shakes his head, leaning into my hand. "Iie. You're still Duo. And I still...like you."
Huh? Why is he blushing...? And is he coming closer to me?
My mind finally puts it all together as his lips brush mine. "I like you more then you know," he whispers against my mouth before covering my lips in another, sweeter, longer kiss.
I think I'm in heaven.... I must be dreaming...or dead....
If so, I don't think I ever want to come back to Earth.
**********
end part 5
[1] One of the basic concepts of Wiccan magick. Nothing should be forced-everything thing has to take a natural course. The general feeling-at least, among my friends and I-is that if, say a love spell, was to have any effect, it simply meant that you and that person were going to get together at some point-the spell just gave that extra push to make it happen sooner.
[2] This is *very* important to most Wiccans. Remember that little bit about not causing any harm? Here it is again. Trying to force changes usually just ends up failing and harming the caster in sometimes terrible ways. In worst case scenarios, it will damage the poor innocent as well. This doesn't just apply to love spells, but even things like healing spells. We aren't the Gods...so we shouldn't act like it :)
I can tell before I even open my eyes that I'm alone in the room. But not in the house-I can *feel* the tension in the house-and it's all about me. Damn.
I suppose I have to face them some time...might as well be now.
Goddess, give me strength.
I throw on some clothes, ready to face whatever my fate might be. I'm about to put on my traditional cross, when I stop, my hand hovering over the chain. With a sigh, I change my mind and put on one of my pentacles instead. I've nothing to hide anymore, and I'm not about to closet myself again-I'm tired of trying to hide who I am.
Warily, I make my way into the kitchen, where everyone else is gathered around the table, staring into their respective cups. I don't think I've ever felt the tension so thick-I'm almost afraid to move, let alone speak. However-coffee is calling. I'm not about to face this much stress without caffeine.
After all, three days left and counting....
My customary chair is empty, but I choose to lean on the counter and remain standing. I'm not going to be the one to make the first move-not now. But it seems that no one is willing to look at me and acknowledge my presence. Nice to know that my last days are going to be spent being the social pariah.
Finally, Quatre glances in my direction. "Good morning, Duo. His voice sounds kind of stilted-I don't blame him.
"Morning, Quatre," I reply cautiously. "Sleep well?" Ahhh...the wonders of small talk.
"Not really."
"Bad dreams?"
He looks at me for real this time, aqua eyes piercing mine. "No. Complicated thoughts." I feel myself flush, and I look down.
"Sorry," I mumble, and I sidle out of the kitchen and into the living room, seating myself on the floor, again staring at the fireplace. The fire...what got me into this in the first place. I know it's irrational to blame the fire for my own abilities, but still...I look into my coffee mug instead.
I hear a noise behind me, and I turn. Without my noticing, everyone followed me in here. Trowa, Quatre, and Heero on the couch, Wufei in the chair...this is looking too much like last night. Shit. Last night I felt like I was on trial-is it time for sentencing now?
Somehow, I don't think I can throw myself on the mercy of *this* court.
I cover up my doubt with a smirk. "Am I just that much fun to be around that you had to follow me?" I ask. I must be feeling better than I think if I can still manage the sarcasm-this might be a good sign....
"Why are you still here?"
Then again.... I can feel my heart fall into my shoes as I turn to look at Wufei. "Did I miss something? Should I be gone? Do-" I swallow tears-"do you all want me gone?"
"Oh, no, Duo, don't think that!" Quatre looks so shocked, like he can't imagine where I ever got that idea. Guess he doesn't see....
"That's not what I meant, Maxwell. I mean, if you're so convinced that we're all going to die soon-"
"Three days," I interrupt tonelessly.
"In three days, then why are you still here? Why haven't you left?"
I meet his eyes. "Because I will meet my death with those I care about most. I refuse to leave you behind to suffer. If I can't make you believe me, then I will simply pretend that I did not receive my vision and I will live out what is left to me as I would've otherwise." My voice doesn't waver once-I'm proud of this for some reason.
"But Duo...." My eyes are pulled to Trowa. "Regardless of whether or not we believe you...something *has* changed. We might-or might not-believe what you say, but you can bet that we're going to uncertain, more cautious."
I raise an eyebrow. "And caution is a bad thing?" Silence greets this statement.
"How did we die?"
I jump-leave it to Heero to ask that question. "What?"
"I want to know-how were we killed in this vision of yours?"
I wince. "Heero...I know you're kind of morbid, but maybe everyone else doesn't want to know that."
"Actually...I'm curious myself." Trowa nods, agreeing with Wufei. I meet Quatre's eyes, silently begging him to say no.
Well, I've just confirmed that either one or both of us is not telepathic. He nods as well, albeit more reluctantly than the others. Fine...I know, I could refuse, but...well, do I have anything better to do than put myself through hell for my best friends? I mean, it's not like my social calendar is overflowing....
I close my eyes, and, almost against my will, pictures begin to form in front of my eyes. I speak.... "Wufei...multiple gunshot wounds. Trowa...shot to the head. Quatre...shot to the chest...blood everywhere. Heero...shot from behind." I open my eyes to look on four faces colored with various degrees of shock. "I hope you're happy." I feel sick....
"Duo...." Quatre blinks back tears. "I...how can you sit there like that? Your voice...it was so pained...you didn't want to...but you told us...why?"
"Because you're my friends." It's the only answer I have.
"I believe you."
I blink. "Quatre? How...how can you suddenly say that?" Trowa's looking at Quatre...I can't explain how....
"Because...you're my friend. You...the Duo I know wouldn't make something like this up as a joke-not and include our deaths as well. There has to be *something* going on...be it precognition, extreme paranoia...but something. If you think we're in danger, then...I'll believe you."
"Thank you," I whisper. I know that I've probably gotten all the support I'm going to. Wufei and Trowa are confirmed skeptics, and Heero....
I don't know what to think about him anymore. For a minute, last night, it seemed like he believed, but now...he's treating me the same as ever-colder, even. Maybe there *was* magick in the air last night, maybe I did have some sort of spell over him...but I know this much.
Spells don't work unless the person the spell is cast on is receptive to it. I could cast of the love spells I wanted on-Quatre, for example, and nothing would happen, because he doesn't love me like that...doesn't even have that possibility within him. To Quatre, I will always be a friend and brother. He wouldn't even feel a spell-he'd be oblivious [1].
If Heero feels like he's under some sort of spell, then...whatever magick was wrought last night he was receptive to. Can't pin this one all on me. I do not force or bend wills-the desire or the ability or whatever has to be in place al ready [2]. Is this a good thing or bad thing? I don't know. Because obviously Heero is in denial about feeling *anything*--so either way, it's a losing proposition for me.
"...Duo? Duo, are you all right?" I blink and drag myself back to reality.
"Yeah, Quatre, I'm fine. Just thinking." I look up and see that we're the only two left in the room. "Where did everybody go?"
"They went to think...kind of like you." He smiles, then his face becomes more serious. "It'll be all right, Duo-they just need to absorb all this. You've managed to throw everything they've ever held to be true in disarray-there's bound to be some reactions to that. Even then, that doesn't guarantee they'll believe you." He looks sorrowful.
"I don't want to be believed," I whisper. I really don't-that's not the important part any more. "I just want to be accepted for who I am-whether we have three days, three years, or three decades left to us."
"Give it time," he says, before leaving the room, leaving me alone.
Give it time. I can do that. They don't realize that I'm not as impatient as I appear to be. I can't be-otherwise, I would've made some fatal mistake and jumped Heero long ago. I know that the smart thing to do right now is to just remove myself from the situation.
Sighing, I stand and head for the door. The grove where I had raised my circle last night sounds about right to me-I know how peaceful it is, and there might still be some lingering Power around, which will aid me in grounding if I need to. I'm certainly not going to get my supplies from my room-I don't want to risk running into Heero.
As I reach the trees, I find myself sighing again. Apparently I *should* have gone to our room to avoid Heero...because here he is. He must've heard me, because he wheels around, our eyes meeting. "Duo?"
"I-I'm sorry, Heero, I didn't think anyone would be out here. I'll be going now
"No, don't go, Duo."
I pause, shocked. "What?"
He waves me over. "I want to ask you a couple things. I need more information."
I should've known. "Sure thing," I say, plastering a smile on my face as I take a seat next to Heero. "What do you want to know?"
"What were you doing out here last night?"
My eyes wander out over the ground. I can still see the circle I had cast with vision that isn't true vision-another aspect of the Sight. No circle ever completely dissolves-there's always a remnant left in the physical world. "Do you want the short answer or the long one?"
"Both."
"Fine. The short answer is that I was connecting."
"With what?"
I look at Heero and grin at the confusion he's trying to hide. "That's the long answer. What was I connecting with? The world-Nature, the universe, the life all around me. Most importantly, I was trying to connect with my Self."
"You were...disconnected?" I can't help laughing-Heero's so cute.
"Well, yeah I was. Think about it, Heero. Last night-I felt so invalidated. I still do to some degree. Wicca is a large part of me, Heero, and it took a long time for me to reconcile a religion and philosophy that celebrates life with the death I cause as Deathscythe's pilot. But I did it-it's a part of me, a part of why I'm here. I kill so the greater world can one day know peace. And discovering that helped me make peace with myself. But then...I find myself in the unique position where everything I am is being disbelieved, mocked, and dismissed. Yeah, I think that qualifies as disconnected."
I stretch out on the grass, resting my head on my arms and staring at the sky. "I don't like feeling like something as simple as religion is turning my friends against me. It's not a matter of what I saw or not anymore-it's a matter of tolerance and acceptance. I was your friend before without you knowing about Wicca. Now that you know-I didn't majorly change in that second. I'm still the same person, only with one more aspect of my life known." I blink-I've been crying a lot, lately....
Heero lays down beside me, propping his head up so he can look into my eyes. "I didn't realize you felt that way, Duo...that we were making you feel that way." He looks away. "I'm sorry."
I'm not normally an empath-I can usually only claim that when I'm either in a trance state or in the circle-but right now, I can *feel* Heero's guilt. He really does feel bad....
I lift up my hand and caress Heero's cheek, turning his face so he's looking at me again. "Just answer me this question," I say softly, putting every bit of seriousness I have in my words. "Do you still think of me as your friend, or have I really changed so much that you can't contemplate ever liking or trusting me again?"
He shakes his head, leaning into my hand. "Iie. You're still Duo. And I still...like you."
Huh? Why is he blushing...? And is he coming closer to me?
My mind finally puts it all together as his lips brush mine. "I like you more then you know," he whispers against my mouth before covering my lips in another, sweeter, longer kiss.
I think I'm in heaven.... I must be dreaming...or dead....
If so, I don't think I ever want to come back to Earth.
**********
end part 5
[1] One of the basic concepts of Wiccan magick. Nothing should be forced-everything thing has to take a natural course. The general feeling-at least, among my friends and I-is that if, say a love spell, was to have any effect, it simply meant that you and that person were going to get together at some point-the spell just gave that extra push to make it happen sooner.
[2] This is *very* important to most Wiccans. Remember that little bit about not causing any harm? Here it is again. Trying to force changes usually just ends up failing and harming the caster in sometimes terrible ways. In worst case scenarios, it will damage the poor innocent as well. This doesn't just apply to love spells, but even things like healing spells. We aren't the Gods...so we shouldn't act like it :)