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I loved you in the morning
Our kisses deep and warm
Your head upon the pillow
Like a sleepy golden storm
Yes, many loved before us
I know we are not new
In cities and in forests
They smiled like me and you
But now it's come to distances
And both of us must cry
Your eyes are soft with sorrow
Hey, that's no way to say goodbye-
("Hey, that's no way to say goodbye"- Renato Russo)
The sun could have wakened up the figure lying on the bed with its flaming ecstasy, but the curtains restrained its continuous try, and only some stubborn strands of sunlight went through it, teasing the curves of the objects in the room, insistently trying to take the places that shadows once occupied.
But the pair of eyes refused to open to the new day.
One, because sleep was rare. Two, it was too early. Three there was still something to seek in the dreams, a light to find in the end of the tunnel, a light that seemed a bit far now, but she believed she could reach it, someday. Even if....
Her eyes opened suddenly, as the screaming sound of the alarm clock that echoed in the room. Seven o'clock. Seven times rejected. Responsibility at seventeen. Seven o'clock, time to get up. The sunlight toyed with her skin, and coloring her already blond hair, dying and dyeing it in gold, stinging her eyes and making them green, due to that colors' property that she learned when she was five, mixing her watercolors. Blue and yellow makes green...
She opened the curtains and the sun invaded the room, strong as never before, and it was frustrating that she couldn't hide anywhere, she couldn't prevent it. Perhaps, for a minute or so she thought she could make the sun go away just standing on the shadows. But the shadows knelt before the light, and soon there was no hideout, nowhere to go.
And she learned to confront the sunlight. She learned to be shadow.
However, wherever she looked, she found a blur. Everything was blurred and imprecise. Mixed watercolors... She reached out for her specs on the night table and put them on, and suddenly the world changed, right before her eyes.
Someone knocked on her door. It would be a long day.
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Carpe diem
From latin, enjoy your day
A day is not enough to dream
To sleep or to travel
A day isn't enough
A day is an eternity
A day is enough to fall in love
To play a song
To remember for all your life
Some of the most beautiful sonnets have been written in a day...
Carpe diem, my friends
Carpe diem
("Carpe diem")
The continuous rush of the day was something that impressed her when she was smaller. People running back and forth, bathed in the cruel sunlight that used to burn their faces, in the desert, a desert of people. A desert full of water.
Nowadays she found the rush completely common and usual. Even for herself, running around carrying papers and books, and documents and tests. Some sunlight would, invariably, hit her, but not enough to heat her body. The wind would tousle her hair, but that was something she got used to.
Not that she minded, anyway. She liked the wind, and learned with it. And storms, ah, storms. After the storms, the sun always came out, and the colors came back. The watercolors... Where did she put the watercolors?
She was correcting some tests and looking at the window, almost hypnotized by the morning's facade, it was autumn, sun wasn't supposed to be so... present. She shouldn't feel it. She wrote that she should draw something like that someday.
Her watercolors... They had to be in the wardrobe. Or under it... When she was small, she spent hours and hours mixing the colors, and using them to create a scape, a way out. Out of all the responsibility. The pressure of being an orphan, of having to be perfect, it killed her. But not when she was there, all alone with her sheets of paper. And her watercolors.
Happiness, sadness, angst, they'd all flow as she dipped the brush in the water.
The sound of the intercom calling broke her daydream. Accident. Children, irresponsible teenagers. She shook her head, gathering her things and simply leaving them on the table, and walked down the hall, to the infirmary. Voices were there, voices that she knew very well, but now sounded distant and weird. She recognized that as a clue that she hadn't slept enough that night, but the voices were familiar and she looked through the glassy door, her eyes wandering in the atmosphere before lying on a figure, that rested nervously on the white sheets, drenched in sunlight. Sun, always sun.
His eyes were closed, preventing her from seeing the orbs that she frequently compared to the sea, and to the bluest skies. So intense and petrifying, like ice. And...blood. She used to think that he had light in his veins. But now she had just discovered the contrary, and it was almost disappointing. She listened to the conversation a while longer.
"I can't just run away."
You don't need to prove yourself to anyone either, she thought, but didn't say.
She opened the door and walked in.
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And now
I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end
The way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss
The dance
( "The Dance"- Renato Russo)
The song played across the room, casting melody spells on the people on the dance floor that swayed almost abstractly to the slow waltz. In a way, beautiful. In the other, cruel. Their happiness was resumed to a couple of laughter and steps, that lost themselves in an endless web of dancers, and without notice, they were eternally trapped, hypnotized, in a moment that they'd remember for all their lifes, with no way out!
The dance.
She closed her eyes to think. He was dancing, the bronze semi-god had succumbed to the song, him too! Or not only to the song, but the slow hypnotizing motion that his partners movements seemed to make. Perfect even in dance... could it be?, she thought bitterly, walking toward the porch.
Perhaps she couldn't be more surprised when she noticed that there was no moon in the sky, nor stars, just the dark clouds, covering everything, and for a moment she was glad that she was under a spotlight. But after a few minutes, it started to bother her.
Then she found that, right there, all she wanted and all she needed was a bit of loneliness.
The wind made her hair wave to its own song-less dance, silently sweeping away the tears that threatened to fill her eyes. Ultramarine, she thought. Blue and black made ultramarine. Black, no matter which color was it mixed with, always turned them darker, sadder, colder. Black was mean, she used to think. But rather black than white... The watercolors... She hadn't found them yet.
A figure invaded the porch, then, invading also her space and her loneliness. But he didn't notice her. For a moment she just watched as he breathed, his breath almost visible, unaware of her presence. Then, finally, she spoke.
"My student...perfect even in dance."
"Whatever." he replied coldly. And that second, a brush could have painted her heart turning into ice.
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I've got to be honest
I think you know
We're covered in lies
And that's ok...
There's somewhere beyond this
I know...
But I need something more to say
Somehow [...]
I've been unable
To put you down
I'm still learning things I oughtta know
By now...
It's under the table
So....
I need something more to show somehow
("You're a god"- Vertical Horizon)
"You're a fool." he whispered, looking at her, but her eyes were miles far away, as were her thoughts and mind.
"So do you. Am I right?"
"There's something more to learn, there's always something more. Why can't you just teach me? It would save precious time."
"There's nothing I can tell you that you haven't already heard." she said as the former student sighed in amusement. A teacher without subject to teach. She wondered if it could get worse.
"......I don't believe you. It just can't be you." he said, blue eyes traveling from hers to the open sky. He blew his golden hair away from his eyes, but it didn't last for too long. He knew that wind would always come and mess it up again. But he also knew that it would never change, so why bother?
"'Coz I'm not the one you used to know, Seifer." she mumbled, hands searching for something to grasp and hold to keep herself steady. His hands. And arms. And before she knew, she was holding him as if her life depended on that.
"Don't let him to this to you, please. It wouldn't be fair."
"I know it wouldn't, but I can't help myself. If they're gonna be happy, hell, I can't do anything but wonder, 'why not me'?! And then I'd fall back into the same old predicament: 'because it's not supposed to be you'." she whispered against his neck, breath tickling the sensitive skin.
"Then you should learn to live with that." her student said, stroking her pale golden hair.
"I'm a teacher, I'm supposed to teach, and not to learn."
Seifer pulled back at this remark. He shook his head and smiled. "You forget you're not a teacher anymore."
"....ironic.... You were the last person I expected to hear that from." she said, looking down at her feet in shame. Yes, break my heart. Again. It's already broken anyway, just a few more stomps on it won't even hur....
"I didn't expect to say that, either." he tilted her chin up and didn't mind the fact that somebody could have showed up that second, he just kissed her and let her think about that action. "And I didn't expected to do that, too."
".....There's so much you still have to learn, Seifer...." she said, wryly.
"Then teach me." he held his hand up, silently asking her to take it, insistently. "Teach me."
And in spite of herself, she took it with a smile, and found herself running to just gods know where, places she had never been, locking the door beside her as the last bits of her sanity vanished away that night. And even when she crept away in the next morning, knowing that she had done something terribly wrong, she was happy.
She'd go through it all. And would still have things to teach after that.
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No matter how hard I try
You keep pushing me aside
And I can't break through
There's no talking to you
So sad that you're leaving
Takes time to believe it
That after all said and done
You're gonna be the lonely one
Do you believe in life after love?
I can feel something inside that says
I really don't think you're strong enough
("Believe"- Cher)
"Hey!! Smile!!"
Smile. Ok, easy. She smiled.
"Wave to the camera!!"
Ok, easy too. She waved.
"Joy, joy!!"
Now that was impossible, she gave her best smile and sighed, know that it had worked. She waved again, smile still on face, putting her glass down, and asked the camera to stay some centimeters away. "If you get too close, Selphie, it'll be blurred." she said, smiling. Still.
"Ooook!! Hey, Irvy, wave to the camera!!" Selphie shouted.
She was glad that Selphie had stopped bothering her, and peacefully sat down on the nearest chair. Watching couples sway to the waltz wasn't helping very much but she found herself almost hypnotized, and a bit sleepy.
She wondered how far had they gone already. And chuckled at her own stupidity. She was practically tore away from her thoughts when someone put a hand on her shoulder.
"Any problem, child? You look sad."
"No, Matron, I'm ok. I really am." she said, waving her hand nonchalantly. "I'm fine."
"I see. Happy, then?"
"Not quite, but not sad either. I will survive." that earned a chuckle from the older woman.
"Glad you're a teacher again?"
"You bet. It's the best thing that happened to me this year." a lame lie, but seemed to convince Edea.
"You got what you wanted, at last, hum?" she asked. Before the teacher could speak, Selphie sat down next to her, mumbling something incomprehensible, and a bit angry.
"What?"
"My battery is low, I can't tape anything anymore. And I didn't even get to tape the kiss!" she cried, pouting.
The teacher thought for a while, and against her will she found herself asking. "Selphie... do you mind lending me this tape? I really want to watch it."
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When all your friends are far away
And you have no one to talk to
When you pretend you're what you're not
When you lose all you've got
Believe
It does get better, you know
It does get better
When you think your time's over
When the screen shows 'game is over'
When you feel you're abandoned
And you can't get any more alone
When the world is dark and cold
When you're weak and feel not bold
Believe
It does get better, you know?
It does get better
("It does get better")
Through the glass, the sun hit her without mercy. Hot day... and there was a pile of tests to correct and put in order. She sighed, wondering how long would it take to finish. She was almost sleeping on the table when suddenly she heard someone knock on the door.
"Come in....please." she shouted, and tried to pretend that she was really working hard, what was difficult because the test was upside down. She hastly shoved it into a drawer and brought another one from the pile.
"Hello, instructor."
She looked up to but a second and nearly growled as the brown haired girl invaded her classroom. No, not invade. You welcomed her in, now live with that.
"Hi. If you don't mind...." she paused for a second to read absentmindedly a weird answer, completely wrong, but she didn't think twice before writing 'correct'. "...I'm really busy, so if you don't have anything important to say...."
"No, really. I just came to show you something." the girl said, slyly.
"Oh, yeah? What?"
"This." she showed her hand, where a golden ring laid, wrapped around her third finger. The teacher looked at this nonchalantly, admired at how it didn't affect her very much.
"It's cute. Now if you can excuse me, I have this pile of tests to....."
"I won, Quistis. He's mine. Forever. He said that. I will be happy now. I have what I want." the brown haired girl said, cutting her in.
Quistis looked at her, letting the words sink in calmly. Do I mind? She found that she didn't. Gods knew where would she go, but she didn't mind. She didn't want to be like that girl, either.
She could be better.
In a swift move, she gattered her papers, shoved them into her drawer, closed her bag and stood up, moving to the door. She arranged her glasses, then looked back at the girl, sitting on the table with a triumphant look on her features.
And smiled.
"Have a good day, Rinoa." she said, smiling sweetly. "Carpe diem."
And walked away, closing the door and leaving behind her a gaping girl. And she chuckled, humming to herself as she walked down the hall.
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The end! Please, read and review to tell me what you thought, ok? Or mail me: raphaela_black@yahoo.com.... Bye!