Okay...this chapter is THE BIGGIE. Not only is it the longest chapter, but it was, emotionally, the most difficult to write, and if it has the same effect on you, well...I'll know I've done my job. =^_~= ANGST WARNING...no matter how much it hurts, I implore you to keep reading, and ye shall be rewarded, verily. Enjoy this...relish it, because it's not too long before the end. =*_*= Shounen-ai 1x2, angst and suffering ahead. Rated R for language and mild gore.
A.N. All, I repeat, ALL of the text in italics, excepting single words in other people's dialogue, but including the dream/memory sequence, are Heero's thoughts. =^_~= Didja get all that? Good.
Disclaimer #1: I don't own GW...*cries*...but if I DID own it, things would be SO different, but then again if "ifs and buts" were candy and nuts, we'd all weigh 300 pounds, so there. =P
Disclaimer #2: I was an English major, so when I write, I write wordy. You have been warned. =P
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The burning of a single candle provided a pleasant cover for the more noxious odours in the cave. Duo pushed the candle closer to the rock wall and re-examined Heero's wounds; his patient could barely feel his careful touch as he worked, replacing the loose dressings with the tenderness of a saint. Duo pressed a hand to Heero's cheek; his skin was cold and clammy, an early sign of shock. The bleeding had slowed somewhat, but he wasn't improving, making it likely that there were other wounds behind the rocks that Duo couldn't reach. "How are the others?" Heero asked finally. "They're okay...they're coping..." Duo answered. "Did you manage to clear the entrance?" Duo paused. "No, we didn't." He had plenty to hide from but nowhere to run; all he could do now was lie. If Heero knew the way was clear, he'd insist all over again that they abandon him, which would only start another argument none of them needed. It was painful for the God of Death to defy his most basic principles, but some things are worth lying for. Heero turned his eyes back to the ceiling. "If there's still digging to be done, why are you down here?" "I'm not starting this again, okay? I'm just checking up on you." He pressed a hand to Heero's neck, below the ear. His pulse was weak and rapid. Duo felt the tension in the boy's neck muscles as he strained against the agony he was in. Guilt overcame him. "Look, Heero..." "Hn?" Duo rubbed his eyes and sulked forward. "I want to apologize," he struggled. "You're only still alive because of me, and I know it's hell for you. I guess...I'm just not ready to give you up yet......you..." Heero could see the effort this required; if Duo was struggling to say something so uncomfortable, his time was clearly growing short. "You mean a lot to me," Duo finished at last, staring at the ground. This was no ordinary goodbye; Heero felt he was trying to say something else as well. "I'm being selfish, trying to force you to hang on...but in case you--" He swallowed, unable to finish the sentence. "I wanted you to understand why I did it...thought it was important that you know I'm not torturing you on a whim," he said with a tiny smirk. Heero nodded. "When you get out, you can use Wing as your backup. I'll give you the codes before you go." Duo let out a sharp, single laugh, his smile widening. He played with the end of his braid. "No, no, no...I regret my behaviour, I never said anything about changing it." He locked eyes with Heero and continued before he could object. "When I get out, you're coming with me, one way or another. I'm going to keep pushing you to stay alive, even if you'll hate me for it for the rest of your life." His eyes narrowed. "I'm not a quitter, and neither are you!" "That's not what this is about!" Heero shouted. It seemed the argument Duo wanted to avoid most was going to happen anyway. "This isn't about backing down from a fair and just challenge, this is a practical solution intended to minimize the team's losses! It's a numbers game, and I lost this time.......I lost. It happens." "Well pardon us if we don't add it up the same way you do," Duo sneered. "Must be that new math." "You said it was selfish of you to keep me alive for your own sake...how selfish is it to force them to stay, without food or water, languishing alongside me for however long it takes me to die, just because you're too afraid that if you do leave I'll be gone when you get back!?" Heero panted heavily from the effort of shouting. "They'd feel a lot worse if they didn't get to say goodbye." Duo looked at his watch. "In fact, they ought to be coming back down to rest in a little while." Heero shut his eyes tight and sighed. "I'm only saying what I think is best for you and the others...I'm just trying to do the right thing..." He shook his head. "It's not as if I didn't see this coming anyway," he said quietly. Duo scowled. "Sorry, what was that? Do I detect a note of self-pity? Oh, horrors!" "Never mind." "No, really, I want to hear this." An angry Duo was a scary sight. "What do you mean, you saw it coming?" Almost a minute passed before Heero broke down and shared his thoughts. "When I look at my life, it just seems like a forgone conclusion that something like this should happen. It fits together too well." "What...just because you're a risk-taker? We all take the same risks, we're all equally--" "No, no..." Heero said weakly, wincing. How do I make him see? I deserve this...divine retribution in exchange for the hundreds of lives I've destroyed... "If this had to happen to any of us, it's fitting that it should be me." Duo raised an eyebrow. Say something, Duo...say something now before I keep talking. I don't want to keep talking, but I will because I don't know what else to do! I don't want to feel this! I don't want to think about it! Duo, please, say something, dammit!! The pain was getting the better of Heero; bricks were practically falling out of the wall between his mind and his emotions. "All the mistakes I've made...the people I've killed...soldiers, civillians, the Alliance leadership...so many of them deserved better than what I gave them. It's time I paid for my sins--" A drop of water hit him in the chest and distracted him long enough to realize what he was doing. He summoned up his remaining strength and closed his mouth for good, he hoped. If Heero secretly expected any sympathy for this, he wasn't about to get it. "You think we don't have fucking truckloads of guilt too!? You don't have the monopoly on beating yourself up for what you did during the war, and you never will!! We're all hurting, but we just suck it up and get on with life. Nobody gets shortcuts, nobody! And that's just what you're doing, Heero, taking the shortcut because it's easier to die than deal with how much it hurts!" Duo had leaned in so close, Heero could have throttled him if he wanted to. And he almost wanted to. Duo withstood a full-strength Deathglare for several minutes before sitting back and pasting on a cunning smile. "Okay, Heero...that was the bullshit explanation for the newspapers...what's the real reason?" Heero blinked. Real reason? What other reason could there be? He stared at Duo like a mime under hypnosis, trying to figure out what he meant. There's no other reason, my reason was perfectly good. It's simple, I'm a murderer and I deserve to die. It's so simple, so obvious, so easy... What Duo said about shortcuts replayed in his mind. Too easy. Maybe there's something else, something I don't want to see... Duo saw the wheels turning behind Heero's dim blue eyes. In the last remaining seconds before the finished product was revealed, he made a silent promise and a fervent prayer--that he would be strong in Heero's coming time of weakness, and that Heero would someday forgive him for what he had to do. The pain actually faded into the background, as Heero collected his thoughts and began to speak. "When I came down here, I knew what my purpose was, just as I've known since I was a child. I was bred to be an assassin, but I knew it would end eventually...as I grew old, my body would fail me and there would be nothing I could do about it." He looked at the boulder crushing his legs in the flickering candlelight. "Once it did, I'd no longer have a purpose." Duo's expression softened. "What're you talking about, of course you would." "And do what!?" Heero looked disgusted with himself and turned away. "You and Trowa and Quatre and Wufei...you could walk away from this place tomorrow, abandon the cause and lead normal lives, but not me. J didn't program me to be a regular person. I'll be his precious boy assassin until I'm destroyed or I outlive my usefulness. And then there will be nothing left." Duo shuddered at the bitterness in Heero's voice; he spoke as if he were already dead. "Nothing but an empty shell." Nothing left for you. "But you're more than a kiling machine," Duo pleaded, taking hold of his arm. "I know it. We all know it, or we wouldn't be trying so damn hard to get you out of here in one piece!" He moved his hand off the arm and pointed a finger sharply into the puddle in the center of Heero's shirt. "There is something more in there!" "No there isn't! Don't you think I've tried to find it!?" He pushed Duo away firmly. "Every time I...feel something I don't understand, I keep waiting for some 'inner voice' that everyone else seems to have, to tell me what it all means, but there's nothing there! Only what J and the others wanted me to have, nothing more! They took everything I had with the capacity to feel and they crushed it, and all that's left is anger and hate! I'm empty inside!" He tried to turn his entire body away from Duo. It's not right that you should care so much for a black-hearted monster like me. I can't give you a fraction of what you give me every day...you deserve so much more... Duo shut his eyes tightly against the tears threatening to persuade him away from his plans. "So that's it, huh? You made up your mind years ago to let yourself die at the earliest opportunity and there's no point in my saying anything else?" Heero was doing his best to count the pock-marks in the stone wall he was staring at, anything for a distraction. I made up my mind that I want you to be free of me. "Right." Duo slapped his hands on his knees and rose. "Right." He pushed the candle to the far side of the room with his foot, far to Heero's right side, and sat down against the wall, stretching his legs out in front of him. "If you've made up your mind, I've got to make up mine." He began straightening his hair and his uniform, arranging himself just so. The curious sounds drew Heero's attention from the wall, and he couldn't help looking at the boy in the candlelight. He was an even lovelier sight now, if that were possible; he was tucking loose strands of hair back into his braid, and despite the dirt it must have accumulated, it still shined like a river of chocolate. He had also rubbed most of the dirt off his face, and the soft porcelain skin seemed to shine with a light all it's own. The more Heero looked at the vision, the more convinced he was that such beauty, inside and out, shouldn't be wasted on him. Duo opened his eyes at last, gleaming with the fire of determination. "And now, I've come to a decision." He picked up Heero's gun. A chill ran down Heero's spine; his eyes widened. "...what are you doing?" he demanded in a soft, low tone. Duo pulled the bolt back, checking to see if the pistol was fully loaded, and snapped it back in place. "We're leaving together, Heero...one way or another." Heero shook his head fiercely and leaned to his right as far as he could. "Don't be stupid! You're not injured at all! Give that to me right now!" he shouted, reaching out a trembling hand. "You just told me not to be stupid," Duo said with a grin. "Besides, if we start struggling, it's gonna mess up my hair, and I gotta look good for my funeral." "Alright, alright, I'm sorry!" Heero choked out. This had to be a simple scare tactic to make him apologize, it just had to be. "I shouldn't have threatened suicide and I promise I won't do anything foolish. Now please, just put it down. You're not hurt." "I'm not hurt yet," Duo growled. He gestured wildly with the gun to punctuate his words. "But if you die, I am gonna hurt! It doesn't matter if you do it yourself or not! I wanted to do this for a long time, and then I met you and I suddenly felt alive! But hey, don't see much point in my hanging on if you won't." He lifted the muzzle of the gun to his temple. Heero was straining to reach Duo now, but his hand fell short a scant six inches from the boy's foot. "Put it down NOW! I order you!!" He twisted to his right until his legs screamed in agony under the gigantic boulder. "The commander of this mission has been incapacitated due to severe injuries and shock, therefore I am in charge." Duo picked up the sole candle with his free hand. "Duo, please! I was the one being selfish! I admit it, okay!? Now stop this!!" He turned his head down the tunnel, hoping the others were on their way as Duo promised. "Trowa!! Wufei!!" "Tell them I'm sorry." Duo lifted the candle even with his lips. Heero clawed himself forward along the ground, his shattered bones creaking and popping under the boulder, threatening to rip his legs apart if he pulled any harder. "Duo!! Otose! Oreno yukoto o kike!! Shikkari shiro!!" "You mean a lot to me, Heero...see you on the other side." He blew out the candle and set it down. "NO! DUO!!" A gunshot cracked the air wide open. It's dying echoes were followed by the muffled sound of a body falling to the floor. Time stood still as Heero listened to the sound of his own anguished, laboured breathing in the dark. Kudasai...Duo... He balled his fists and slammed them down onto the cold stone floor, letting out a primal scream of agony for a pain that would never, ever go away. Broken by his torment, he fell on his back with his arms splayed to either side. I never got to tell you... His breath caught in his throat. This HAS to be a joke...it can't be real...oh God... "Duo!?" he spoke to the darkness, voice crackling with supressed tears. "This isn't funny anymore! ANSWER ME!!" No reply came. Heero's breathing became quick and ragged. The emptiness inside him grew a hundred times larger, and his chest was tying itself in a square knot. The person who cared for Heero more than anyone else in the universe was gone. Gone because of him. The knot tightened as his mind was assaulted with a wretched agony that was neither anger nor hatred, his constant companions--it was sorrow. Hot streaks of liquid burned his eyes and he finally choked out a weak, pitiful sob. I did this to you. I killed you. He shut his eyes just as a drop of water fell to mingle with his tears. He would not fight death. "I'm coming with you..." he whispered. A few seconds of silence followed. "Atta boy, Hee-chan, that's the spirit," Duo chirped. Heero froze. The candle was re-lit by an unseen hand. Duo was lying on the ground where he had 'fallen', his beautiful head completely unscathed. Putting the candle down, he looked at the gun in his hand, looked at Heero, and shrugged. "Whaddaya know, I'm a lousy shot at close range." A rapid succession of impulses struck Heero. He wanted to laugh, cry, scream, and throw things, as he went from a state of bliss at seeing Duo alive and well to the grim realization that he had been duped. Duo sat up slowly, his face quite calm. Heero felt a hot flush overtake him, and something inside him snapped. He grabbed fistfuls of stones and gravel from around him and threw them at Duo, who ducked and squirmed awkwardly, covering his head and still holding the gun. Heero let loose a hideous stream of Japanese obscenities, most of which Duo was glad he couldn't translate. After the first several handfuls of gravel, he lapsed back into English. "KISAMA!! I'll break every bone in your body! I'll wrap your braid around your neck and throttle you with it! How DARE you!?" He pelted Duo with pebbles until his hands were raw, and then fell back, exhausted in body and spirit. Duo peeked out from behind his tangled limbs and saw Heero lying still with his hands covering his face. "I guess I deserved that." "Yes, you did," Heero murmured through his hands. Duo gave him a few moments to collect himself. The Imperfect Soldier took deep breaths, cleared his throat, and rubbed his reddened, aching eyes, trying to put his mask back on. Baka...it would serve you right if I never spoke to you again. Heero folded his arms across his chest and looked over at the joker, prepared to meet his flippant smile with a ferocious glare. But there was no smile. Duo sat cross-legged against the wall, absolutely stone-faced. He was still holding the gun. "Now..." he breathed, "...let's have a dialogue, hm? Where you actually listen to me and respond when I talk to you?" Heero put his hands back down as his sides and looked helpless. After a lifetime of always being the strong one, the powerful one, he shivered as he discovered that Duo was in complete control; the braided puppetmaster could make his blue-eyed toy feel anything now, just by pulling the right string. Rage, pain, fear, joy...Heero was powerless to stop them now. Duo gestured with the gun again. "What I just did here...didn't feel too good, did it?" Heero answered with the barest shake of his head, as if any sudden movement might bring the pain back. "It hurt you, didn't it?" A tiny nod; his eyes never left Duo's. "Why did it hurt so much?" Heero's brow knit in fevered concentration; it was getting harder and harder to form coherent thoughts--was that a side-effect of his traumatic experience, or the next symptom of shock? Duo answered his own question. "You don't want me to die?" A pained look filled Heero's weary azure eyes. Duo leaned forward, clutching the pistol intensely. "I want to hear you say it, if it's the truth." Swallowing against the grit lodged in his throat, Heero paused, and croaked the words out in a shattered voice. "I don't want you to die." "Why?" Heero just wanted him to put the gun down. His mind reeled and he gave what he thought was a reasonable answer. "You're a valuable member of the team...you're still young...there's so much you could do with your life..." Duo shook his head with a wistful smile. "Heero...I can only give you so many chances at this...don't screw it up." He crawled forward a few feet and knelt, the pistol still in his hand. "Why?" What do you...why can't you say what you mean? Out with it already! Haven't you put me through enough? "Because you blame yourself for things that aren't really your fault, because it would be injust if you--" "Nice try," Duo said with another shake of his head. He came closer, close enough for Heero to touch him. Close enough to grab the gun...but at that moment, Heero wanted nothing more than to throw his arms around his friend and feel the life surging through his strong, uninjured body. He felt so cold, so broken in body and soul, he desperately wanted to feel Duo's warmth and pretend everything was going to be alright. Duo drew in a deep breath. "Why?" It was agony being this close to him. What more do you want!? A wave of dizziness overcame Heero, and his head swam from loss of blood. "The others...they'd miss you...Quatre would be devastated..." "Ohhhh, Heero," Duo whined in a tempting whisper. "You're so close..." He crawled even closer, crossing Heero's waist to put one hand on the ground an inch away from his side. He leaned over his treasure, forcing him to look straight up at his face. "But close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades." He breathed his question one last time. "Why?" Even the dripping water ceased, as if waiting for Heero's answer. ...I'm so cold...I just want this to be over...what do you want from me? Staring into those violet gems, he saw a softness in Duo's eyes that he faintly recognized...the sweet, gentle expression he wore when they shared the sunset by the lake. You DO know what he wants...the same thing you want...just open your mouth and say it, this could be your last chance! ".....ai...." he struggled, swallowing and wincing. What's wrong with me? Why can't I say it? "Ai....shi..." The expectant look in Duo's determined eyes weighed him down like a millstone around his neck. You have to do this! If you don't say it now, you won't just lose him here, during your last day on Earth, you'll lose his soul for all eternity!! They stayed that way, lost in uncertainty, until worried voices and pounding footsteps reverberated down the tunnel. The recon party returned, shouting for Duo and Heero to answer them. When they poured out of the passage, their concern was obvious. "What happened in here!?" Wufei blurted. "We heard an echo that sounded like a gunshot!" Trowa added. "Yeah, that was me," Duo said, sitting up straight with a guilty look. "I wanted to get you back down here as quick as I could, so I fired one into the tunnel to call you." Wufei stamped his foot in anger. "Dammit, Maxwell! How could you be so careless!? You should know better than to fire a weapon in an enclosed area like this! It's a sidearm, not a signal flare!" "Sorry," Duo whimpered sheepishly. He looked past Wufei to Quatre; just as he thought, the fair-haired boy was pale and sickly-looking, sweating and about to fall over. He must have felt the turmoil in Heero all the while that he was running back to the cave at full speed. Only a herculean effort on Quatre's part, and Trowa's steady arm, kept him from collapsing to the floor and clutching his chest in agony. Duo caught Quatre's weary eye and raised both eyebrows at him, asking mutely if he was okay. Quatre swallowed and weakly nodded his assent, then walked over to Heero under his own power. "How are you feeling, Heero?" he asked, crouching beside him and trying to act ignorant of his leader's pain. "Tired," he answered honestly. Quatre sighed in heartfelt sympathy. "Well, I'm glad you're still awake. We're all glad, and we're going to keep working on digging our way out, so you just relax and let us...take care of..." He trailed off when he noticed Heero staring at his shirt. Quatre looked down at himself, bewildered. There was a sprig of green material stuck in one of Quatre's buttonholes; before anyone could react, Heero snatched it off and looked at it angrily. "You've been outside," he growled. The others were horrified to see a frond of succulent green leaves between his trembling fingers, betraying their secret that the entrance was clear after all. Heero looked at all their faces in turn and saw by their downcast eyes that they had no intention of telling him. Finally, his gaze landed on Duo. "You lied to me." "No, we lied for you. There's a BIG difference." Heero's first instinct was to be furious. "Will you or will you not take the team outside and back to the village?" Duo smiled and shook his head. Heero turned to Trowa next. "Trowa, take command and get them out of here." Trowa looked uncomfortably at Duo. Duo cleared his throat. "Did any of you guys just hear something?" Trowa took strength from the second in command and met Heero's desperate gaze with a calm stare. "No...it's real quiet in here." Two mocking drops of water hit Heero in the chest; he turned to Quatre, his anger becoming frustration. Quatre looked away. "I didn't hear anything." Wufei was his last hope. Unfazed by the two prussian blue lasers drilling holes into his forehead, Wufei glanced over at Duo and thought quietly for a moment. "I believe I did hear something...and if I have to listen to that dripping water all night, I think I'll go mad." Duo grinned, Trowa raised an eyebrow, Quatre hugged himself with joy, and Heero... They all disobeyed me...and I think I understand why. He stared at the ceiling while his friends smiled silent congratulations to each other. Their act of defiance showed Heero the true depth of their loyalty to him, and he knew that from that day forward the mission at hand would always come second. It was terrifying and wonderful. "Heero's cold...we gotta keep him warm until morning," Duo announced. "C'mon, bunch up...he needs all of us." Four pilots got down on the ground and crowded together, lighting all the candles they had. Quatre curled up behind Heero's head and laid a hand on his left shoulder; Trowa laid down by his right side, placing one hand on Heero's arm and grasping his angel's free hand with the other. Wufei took the place on his left side, propping his feet up on the rock wall. Heero tried weakly to push them away at first, but the moment he touched their warmth and felt their caring hands wrap around his, he only wanted to pull them closer. After positioning the lit candles around the shivering group, Duo crawled past Wufei to sit by Heero's knees. He smiled at the sight of the others all huddled around him, sharing their warmth, even the chronically stoic ones. Looking thoughtfully at Heero's sopping wet shirt, he unbuttoned it as well as his own, taking extreme delight in knowing Heero couldn't help but watch. Next, he unbound his hair from it's twisted prison and ran his fingers teasingly through the long, luxurious tresses. The eyes of the other three boys were already closed in exhausted sleep. Being careful not to disturb them, Duo opened Heero's shirt wide and leaned forward, pressing their bare chests together. Heero gasped quietly at the sudden heat covering him; the threat of hypothermia could be a wonderful thing. Duo stopped an inch away from Heero's face, letting his hair spill over them; being in a generous moon, he breathed a single word and gave Heero one last chance to answer the ultimate question. "Why?" A drop of water hit Duo in the back; Heero was finally warm. I have to tell him...before this night is over, I have to tell him I lov-- But he knew the words wouldn't come. He couldn't even think them before slamming into a wall deep inside his psyche. It was as if the entire concept of love, not just the words, had been edited out of his brain. Programmed out. He was determined to get it back. Heero tilted his head up and took hold of Duo's lips with his own, gently flicking his tongue over their softness. Duo closed his eyes and fell into the kiss, deepening it, luxuriating in it. He felt his own lips pleading for more, begging for every last drop Heero was prepared to give, and the plea was answered with a caress too gentle for any mere soldier to bestow; Heero found something tender and fragile where the emptiness inside him had been. They stayed that way, tasting each other for the first time, their lips entwined as deeply as their souls, until fatigue snatched Heero away into a blissful sleep. Duo kissed his cheek and wished him pleasant dreams; the taste of salt was on his face. Duo felt eyes upon him; he looked up and saw that Quatre was still awake, and brushing away tears of his own. Their gazes met with a flash of quiet understanding, and they smiled reassurance at each other. Duo tucked his soft, thick hair around Heero's neck like a scarf, and settled his own head comfortably next to his. He finally had his answer. Outside, far above the warm den the five boys created together, the rain began to fall. |
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*wipes away a tear* ....damn, I'm good. Did you enjoy? I hope so!! The resolution to this story is looming close on the horizon...yes, the conclusion is coming!! =^-^= Oh yes...and that bit of Japanese Heero was yelling in his moment of terror--for anyone who needs a translation, it was along the lines of "Drop it! Listen to me! Snap out of it!"...poor thing...I'm so cruel. ;_;
