Act Five
[At dinner, Malon pours the milk, then sets her cup down with a bang.]
Malon:
You shouldn't have to go!
Ralon:
Malon!
Malon:
There are plenty of young men to fight for Hyrule!
Talon:
It is an honor to protect my country and my family.
Malon:
So you'll die for honor.
Talon:
I will die doing what's right.
Malon:
But if you ...
Talon:
I know my place. It is time you learned yours.
[Malon stares at her father for a moment, then runs outside crying. Malon is sitting in a statue of a Great Fairy, crying. It is raining. Through the window of her house, she can see her mother and father talking. Talon picks up the candle and blows it out. Malon thinks for a minute, then makes her decision. Malon walks into the Family Temple and lights a stick, placing it in a hanging statue of a small fairy. She runs into her parent's room, taking the scroll and leaving her hair comb. Taking her father's sword, she cuts her hair short and puts on her father's armor. Going out to the stable, she mounts Epona and sets off for the army. The eyes of a statue in the temple flash, and Granny Impa wakes up.]
Granny Impa:
Malon is gone!
Talon:
What? It can't be ...
(He runs outside)
Malon! No ...
Ralon:
You must go after her. She could be killed.
Talon:
If I reveal her, she will be.
Granny Impa:
Ancestors, hear our prayer. Watch over Malon.
[In the Family Temple, the characters on a tombstone
light up, and they turn into the Great Ancestor.]
Great Ancestor:
(To the small hanging fairy statue)
Tatl, awaken.
[The statue shakes and smokes.]
Tatl:
I live! So, tell me, what mortal needs my protection, Great
Ancestor. You just say the word, and I'm there.
Great Ancestor:
Tatl ...
Tatl:
And lemme say something, anyone who's foolish enough to threaten
OUR family, vengeance will be MINE! Grr ... arrgh ...
Great Ancestor:
Tatl! These are the family guardians. They-
Tatl:
Protect the family.
Great Ancestor:
And you, O Demoted One...
Tatl:
I ring my bell.
Great Ancestor:
That's right. Now, wake up the Ancestors...
Tatl:
One family reunion coming right up. Okay, people, people, look alive! Let's go, c'mon, get up!
Let's move it! Rise and shine! Y'all way past the beauty sleep thing.
Ancestor #1:
I knew it, I knew it. That Malon was a troublemaker from the start.
Ancestor #2:
Don't look at me, she gets it from your side of the family!
Ancestor #3:
She's just trying to help her father!
Ancestor #4:
But if she's discovered, Talon will be forever shamed. Dishonor will come to the family.
Traditional values will disintegrate!
Ancestor #5:
Not to mention they'll lose the Ranch!
Ancestor #1:
My children never caused such trouble; they all became acupuncturists!
Ancestor #2:
Well, we can't all be acupuncturists!
Ancestor #6:
No! Your great-granddaughter had to be a CROSS-DRESSER!
[The Ancestors start to argue]
Ancestor #7:
Let a guardian bring her back!
Ancestor #2:
Yes! Awaken the most cunning!
Ancestor #4:
No! The swiftest!
Ancestor #8:
No, send the wisest!
Great Ancestor:
SILENCE! We will send the most powerful of all.
Tatl:
(Laughs)
Okay, okay, I get the Jif. I'll go.
[Laughter results at the expense of Tatl]
Tatl:
Well, y'all don't think I can do it! Watch this here!
(Lights a tiny flame)
Ah-hah! Jump back, I'm pretty hot. But I don't have to singe nobody to prove no point.
Great Ancestor:
You had your chance to protect the Lon Family.
Ancestor #6:
Your misguidance led Falon to disaster!
Falon:
(Headless)
Yeah, thanks a lot.
Tatl:
And your point is?
Great Ancestor:
The point is, we will be sending a REAL fairy to retrieve Malon.
Tatl:
What? What? I'm a real fairy!
Great Ancestor:
You're not even worthy of this thought! Now, awaken the Great Stone Fairy!
Tatl:
So you'll get back to me on the job thing?
(She is hit in the face with a Deku Nut.)
Tatl:
Just one chance. Is that too much to ask? I mean, it's not like it'll kill you.
(To the fairy statue)
Yo, Ugly Face, wake up! You gotta go fetch Malon! C'mon, girl! Go get her! Go on! C'mon!
(She climbs up on the statue, dragging the Deku nut.) Grr... arrgh. Grr. Hello? Helloooo? HELLO!
(She hits the ear of the fairy with the Deku nut, and it falls off. Suddenly, the entire statue falls apart.)
Uh-oh ...
Uh ... Ugly? Ugly ... Oh, man, they're gonna kill me!
Great Ancestor:
Great Stone Fairy! Have you awakened?
Tatl:
(Holding up the head of the Great Stone Fairy)
Uh, yes, I just woke up! Um, I am the Great Stone Fairy! Good morning! I will go forth and fetch Malon! Did- did I mention that I am the Great Stone Fairy?
Great Ancestor:
Go! The fate of the Lon family rests in your hands.
Tatl:
Don't even worry about it. I will not lose face.
(She loses her balance and tumbles down the hill, the fairy head landing on top of her.)
Ow, ah, my elbow. Oh, oh, I know I twisted something.
(She lifts the head off.)
That's just great, now what? I'm doomed, and all because
Ms. Man decided to take a little drag show on the road.
Yoshi:
Yoshi.
Tatl:
Go GET her! What's the matter with you? After this Great Stone Humptey Dumptey mess, I'd
have to bring her back with a medal to get back in the Temple! Waitaminute! That's it! I make
Malon a war hero, and they'll be begging me to come back to work! That's the master plan! Oh,
you've done it now.
Yoshi:
Yoshi.
Tatl:
(Flying)
And what makes you think you're coming?
Yoshi:
Yoshi.
Tatl:
You're LUCKY? Do I look like a sucker to you?
Yoshi:
Yoshi.
Tatl:
What do you mean, a loser? What if I pop your tongue out and throw it across the yard, then who's the loser, you or me?
Yoshi:
Yoshi.
[Tatl chases him out of the yard and down the road.]
***
