Kenchin
& Kaoru forever
Another
simple day, a very plain sight and yet, It is full of beauty.
The sun
was up, but I was first.
I always wake up early, racing the sun.
Like a
game who will come out first.
I always won.
We used
to do this before, yes, me and Kenchin.
We would wake up early, earlier than the
marvelous sun, a stunning horizon to watch the moon dissapear and slowly poke
its face to as, young lovers under the sky so wonderful, so spectacular.. and
so splendid.
We were
very young at that time and also very in love, love doesn't choose any age, any
time… like love does not ask why because it is a reason itself.
It does not ask what if because it takes all
risks and love does not ask until when because it knows no time.
It was insanity; we were like stupid
psychotics who are suppose to be in a mental ward, a zone or probably a
district for crazy people.
I really don't care; we don't care, as long
we were happy, very much.
Plain as
it may look but we had the time of our lives, because the person your heart is
beating to silently seat with you and watch the moon pop away and then the sun
shows its half round face.
It was a nice scene.
A very miraculous, an amazing picture so
perfect.
I could clearly remember the past, everything
was coming so clear and like it just happen yesterday, all details, especially
when I sit here in my chair, the chair where I used to share with him, this
chair who has witnessed hundreds of sunrise.
And below, just below the blue crystalled
sky, I could clearly see his face, like engulfing the clouds so pure, white and
fluppy.
It was
Kenchin's face in there, then I would eventually raised my hand craving for the
touch of his face, pretending that he was near, but he is near, he lies
silently here in my heart.
I was
starting to cry, again but I'd later wipe them, knowing that Kenchin, my
Kenchin would not be happy, and it was not good for me and the… it was quite
long by now, more than eight months have I sat in this chair watching the sun.
But I find each day a perfect one like of
those before because hope inside me did not die.
I still continued what we always do before, trying
to recall yesterday not forgetting them, I would never regret the time I met
him, no, nope, not even a single minute will I regret.
I'm thankful of what I have now, of what
happen.
Everyday
I go here exactly at six and then stare at the sun all day without me getting
bored, I was enjoying myself, feeling the sun's rays upon me, the sensation it
gives me for another strength filled day, the scent of all the flowers swaying
in my garden and the clouds, in the sky drifts perfectly, like they were in
unison and they march hesitantly, the aroma, the fragrant scent of the flowers
all around my garden mingling with me.. swaying into my face.. my body.. my
whole being… especially the pink ones.. I remember his clothes.. the color of
his hair and then… everything. I miss him but I'm not afraid knowing that I
am loved.
I was
the only person in there and yet, I'm not alone, I don't feel lonely, I feel
Kenchin's just here, staying with me all day each moment.
Each day I go here and enjoy myself like of
those days before, sitting closely with Kenchin is everything I could die
for and even now he's not here, I still feel his presence, like he's just beside
me, accompanying me while watching at the sky so beautiful.
An
intimacy with his heart and mine… together… And
just thinking of his memory makes me complete again, whole again because I know
even my eyes may not see him, my heart will always be with him, that's for
sure, I know it.
I know that it is also already the time.. the
time I have been waiting for so long, after long nine months, our baby will be
born today.
Maybe
this sunset or any time now, this precious, precious baby.
His baby, this baby, me and Kenchin's fruit
of unbearing love, I shall call him baby Kenchin or baby Kaoru if a girl.
It was a
month before I knew, after one month, after that one night when we… he did not
know any of it, he passed without knowing that I'm pregnant, carrying his
child, the cause of what we did one night.
Sanusuke,
Megumi, Misao, Yahiko and the others were very shock but I was happy,
proud that here in my womb, I carry his fruit, his child.
Even he
had not known about it, that he didn't find out that something was created, I
was very happy, a very content woman, that now, I am finally a mother… I was to
tell him that day but a terrible tragedy happened right in front of my very
eyes, a crazy warrior killed him, the popular known Batusai was killed of an unknown
man.
I don't want to believe at that time, I push
my words that it can't be, it just can't be, not him, not Kenchin now or
ever.
But reality slip into time and I was dying at
that moment, I did almost everything for my memory to stop reminiscing and from
my heart from crying.
I stayed
all inside my room for a week or more, careless of what would happen to me and
the baby, I wanted to die, I have taught of all the possible things I could do
to get me my life, to kill myself to be with him sooner for I can't live
without him, but I was so stupid, forgetting about our baby.
I was
tormented at that moment, at that scene I saw, why does he have to die in front
of me?
Why does
his all blooded face struck and fell down right in front my feet?
Why does
he need to die? Now, that were having our baby.
Why?…
Why?..
those are all the questions, the words I could say… why does he need to leave
me?
I wanted to slap him or something I want to
shout and cry so loud, so loud that all the people in the whole world would
hear… why is he being so careless?
He knows
that I will never be Kaoru without a Kenchin, without him, he knew that
I would be a tree without leaves, a flower without a scent, a rainbow without a
color, an ocean without a water, a sun without a heat, a human without a
heart.
I need
him, so much… I was crazy. I became insane.
Why does destiny and fate hate me?
Why now?
Why did
they took him away?
The only
man I ever gave myself, I ever loved, Kenchin Himura.
He was
not aware that he was a father, yet he suspected that I could be pregnant since
he was the one who got my virginity without marriage… but I don't care and I'd happily
give myself before him a thousand times because I love him, so much… and he
was right, men just do know what they are making… and he promised me.. that he
would never leave me… never, that we would sit together staring at the
lovely sunrise everyday.
He
fulfilled it before that faithful incident.
He made it possible to do his promise each
day but… I never want to stop crying until I cried even more when I found out
that he died saving the woman he love, he died protecting me…
that unknown man was Enishi, a man who loved me so much just before I met the
man, the father of the infant inside me, the man I love so much.
He was so desperate about me, I didn't bear
any single emotions for him because I love someone else… him.
He went so crazy, like how much I was for
Kenchin and he hates Kenchin more than anyone else in this world so much.
He went away for more than several years, I
taught he'd understand, that he left because he's happy for me but… he should
be happy because I'm happy being with Kenchin. Just seeing him is enough for me
to die, my day would then be perfect.
Everything was in hand when I'd see his red,
fragrant hair, the warmth of his smile that never failed to make me so
fulfilled.
And those eyes, those little perfect eyes of
him I often dreamed, no, I always dream, each day, each night, each
moment.
He just can't failed to melt me when he looks
at me…
I would
shout inside but I would try to remain silent, keeping all the emotions inside
for the whole world might overflow… because of how much I felt…Enishi
just can't accept the fact, that I'd be always loving one man only..
always… He went away and made himself powerful, I didn't know any of it until
when he came back, I taught he would bring good luck to me and Kenchin, now
that we were finally one, but the opposite happen.
I choked every part of me when I heard that.
He died
saving me from that dirty damn man, that man who because of love did it.
I don't
want to accept that he could do such a thing, I don't even want to believe,
everything is just in a mess, a lie.. yes, a lie... I've repeated those words
when I was in total mourning.
Sorrow
and grief was all I could ever see at that time.
He swore that he would never give him me, his
only treasure even it cost it his life, he will, even he had to die a
hundreds times, for the only girl, now a woman… he will… he will…
They battled and they both… I came late, I
only saw them lying on the floor, all blood, it was hell, one was a cold, hard
body, the other was struggling to speak, Kenchin… my Kenchin.
I was
holding him, hugging him, shouting, crying, I suddenly felt weak, my strength
suddenly vanish and I cant even move a bit, when I saw him covered with blood,
I almost hit the ground for I fell.
I wanted
to share with him my own blood not to shout.. I wanted to become close, closer
than ever..
I felt like I was going to loose him, but
hope inside my heart was struggling to fight that feeling, it was exploding
inside my head, my heart, that he wont die.. He won't leave me…
I don't want to think about it.
It just
won't happen, no, never.. he will not depart, he will continue his promise..
He
promised me that night…
I wanted
to shout but there's just no sound coming out of me, my mouth was open but
there was no plain, single sound that left my mouth, even my voice was lost..
I was lost, my strength were all gone.
All I
could do is to hug him, his arms hugging me too, we were on an embrace and how
I'd gave all the prayers onto the whole world to stop time even just for a
while, that it will be staying like this forever, close to him, hearing his
heart beating, I would then be alive, I never want to let go, I was calling
God inside, a call I never tried too hard in my whole life, just now…
because I could not speak, all I could do is to hold him tight while my eyes
were unstoppably crying, tears were everywhere, all over my face and into his
upper kimono, the pink one, the one that he always wear, his favorite.
My eyes were flooding with tears that could
not be stop, they're uncontrollable, they go down from my eyes down to my
cheeks…
I was shaking, afraid that someone will get him from me,
and then he whispered before his last breath this words…
" You
will never be lonely… Ai shiteru.. Kaoru.."
I wanted to answer back, though I could not
speak, I tried to get all what I have inside to answer him, but my tears were
just the one responding, I'm even sobbing harder now, I was… I don't know, then
I manage to utter something through the help of my heart, the strength
of my heart not the strength of my mouth nor my voice.
I was
uttering Ai… when everything went all down, no more energy that my body
could give, could sustain to be conscious, everything was black, I fainted.
The next
morning I woke up and he's still on my mind, my heart, I wanted to find
him, look for him that he is just find, he's peacefully sitting on our chair
waiting for me to share watching the sunrise. But the memory struggled to come
in and then all the pain was back again, a doom for me, I don't even want to
wake anymore… because I'll have to face
the bitter fate of destiny for me nor I wanted to sleep, because even in the
darkest of my sleep, I still mourn too deep.. so sorrowfully, so
painfully.
I just
wanted to be with him, staying with him forever…
How much
I convinced myself that it was just a lie, a dream, no, even in dreams, I
can't bear to see him in pain, it just gives me the ache more than ever…
that's how much I love him.
And I really didn't care that he was slain by
a dirty bastard who loved me so much, he's still the greatest warrior
for me, I never doubt of it, I thought of that and I know that and will
continue to believe.
He is the greatest warrior because he got
my heart.
He was my
only one and will always be the one hero… forever…
I taught
I could never go on, that I could never stand up and face the world if he's not
with me, in my side.
Everything
was nothing without him.
Then I
suddenly remembered the baby, our baby, I should not loose hope, I should not
give up… this seed inside me is going to live.. until I shall bear him in to
this world, I may not say cruel, this is not a cruel world, because in here, here
where I met my soulmate, because if not of this world, I would not see the
man I love the most.
If not of
this world, my eyes would never meet him and trully know what love is…
I'm still
fortunate, very fortunate because in here, I met him. Kenchin Himura.
I tried to stand, until little by little I
was getting the pieces that fell to continue.
It was
hard at first but his memory makes me stronger… just thinking of him gives
me more than courage than ever.
I get my source from him, my love.
This
child is our child.
I must live for the sake of all of us, me,
Kenchin and baby Kaoru or baby Kenchin.
He had taught a lot to me, a lot which I
would never learn if I never knew him, and I could say that I'm the luckiest
woman in the whole universe...
I knew love because of him…
If there are nights when you feel so afraid, never
think it's endless; it's not always loneliness that conquers life.
He taught
me.
There
would surely be a day, a sunrise, symbolizing a bright future…
When you're sad, just look at the sky and
then the sun would be shining at you, smiling…
I was able to recover because of him,
because of this baby.. because of love.
It's not
the end of everything if someone special to you went away… or if he's not by
your side, what matters is the heart… as long as love reigns inside,
there would never be ends, no goodbyes your heart would always be
joined, always together… for what matters only is the heart and the love biding
them.
It
doesn't affect or change whether he's a million miles away, or even no exact
measurement could even assume how far he is, he is beside me…
He will always be beside me, because we love
each other so deep that even the farthest distance could not part us because we
are one, always our hearts will be together until the end of forever.
And
this he made clear that if there are sunsets, following them are always
sunrises... and I know, I know that even he went away before I could tell him,
I know, he is smiling down at me in heaven.
I taught I could never see the
sun again
Then, you came…
just when….
My heart whispers
through the night…
That you're beside
me… holding me tight…..
I will continue
because of this strength…
You gave… I will
always be strong…because you will spend…
Knowing that
you're with me…
Is the only thing
that I know to go on till the end…
We will always be
together…
Even far away,
holding hands…
Watching each
others eyes…
Embracing all
tight…
Lying silently…
you rest here inside…
The love we have,
yours and mine…
And you… all I
need through and through….
You… here in my
heart… all I need to continue…
AI SHITEIRU…
I LOVE YOU…
~ burning
flame (2001)