Act Six
[The Gerudo army comes to a stop by a marsh. Two Hylian soldiers are dragged out of a tree and thrown before Ganondorf.]
Gerudo:
Hylian Scouts.
Hylian Soldier #1:
Ganondorf!
Ganondorf:
Nice work, gentlemen. You've found the Gerudo army.
[Laughter]
Hylian Soldier #2:
The King will stop you.
Ganondorf:
Stop me! He invited me. By building his wall, he challenged my strength. Well, I'm here to play
his game. Go! Tell your King Toad to send his strongest armies. I'm ready.
[The two soldiers scurry off, one after the other.]
Ganondorf:
How many men does it take to deliver a message?
Gerudo Archer:
(Cocks her bow.)
One.
***
Malon:
Okay. Okay, how about this:
(In a deep voice)
Excuse me, where do I sign in? Ah, I see you have a
sword. I have one, too. They're very manly, and strong.
(She fumbles with the sword, dropping it on the
ground. Epona rolls with laughter, and is hit by a shoe.)
Malon:
I'm working on it! Oh, who am I fooling. It'd take a miracle to get me into the army.
Tatl:
(Covered in smoke, and surrounded by fire, all Malon can see is her giant shadow.)
Did I hear someone ask for a miracle! Lemme hear ya say, "Aaah!"
Malon:
Agggggghhh!
Tatl:
That's close enough!
Malon:
A Poe!
Tatl:
Get ready, Malon, your seventeen halation is at hand, for I have
been sent by your ancestors to guide you through your masquerade!
(She glances down at Yoshi, who is making finger-shadows of a fairy's head, and kicks him.) C'mon, you're gonna stay, you're gonna work with me.
(To Malon)
So heed my words, cause if the army finds out you're a girl, the penalty is death.
Malon:
Who are you?
Tatl:
Who am I? WHO am I? I am the guardian of lost souls!
I am the powerful, the pleasurable, the indestructible Tatl.
(Malon stares at the tiny fairy for a moment.)
Tatl:
Ah, I'm pretty hot, huh?
[Immediately Epona steps all over her.]
Malon:
My ancestors sent a little bug to help me?
Tatl:
Hey, fairy, fairy, not bug. I don't do that buzzing-thing.
(Buzzes)
Malon:
You're ... um ...
Tatl:
Intimidating? All inspiring?
Malon:
Tiny!
Tatl:
Of course! I am travel-sized, for your convenience. If
I was my REAL size, your cow here would die of fright.
(Epona tries to chomp her.)
DOWN, Bessy. My powers are beyond your mortal imagination. For instance, my eyes can see straight through your armor.
(SLAP!!!)
Alright! That's it! Dishonor! Dishonor on your whole family! Make a note of this. Dishonor on you, dishonor on your cow, dis-
Malon:
Stop! I'm sorry! I'm sorry. I'm just nervous. I've never done this before.
Tatl:
Then you're gonna have to trust me. And don't you slap me no more. You clear on that?
(Malon nods)
Alright. Okey-dokey! Let's get this show on the road! Yoshi, get the bags!
(To Epona)
Let's move it heifer!
***
