Act Seven

Act Seven

[At the Hyrule Field Camp]

Tatl:
Okay, this is it! Time to show them your man-walk. Shoulders back, chest high, feet apart, head up, and strut! Two three, break that bone, two, three, and work it!

Tatl:
(They pass men trimming their toenails and picking their noses)
Beautiful, isn't it.

Malon:
They're disgusting.

Tatl:
No, they're men. And you're gonna have to act just like them, so pay attention.

Recruit:
Look! This tattoo will protect me from harm!

Wario:
Hmmm... (Punches the recruit)

Luigi:
(Laughing)
I hope you can get your money back!

Malon:
I don't think I can do this...

Tatl:
It's all attitude! Be tough, like this guy here!

Wario:
(Spits)
What are you looking at?

Tatl:
Punch him. It's how men say hello.
(Malon punches Wario; he slams into Darunia.)

Darunia:
Oh, Wario! You've made a friend!

Tatl:
Good. Now slap him on the behind. They like that.

(Malon slaps Wario.)

Wario:
Woo hoo ... I'm gonna hit you so hard, it'll make your ancestors dizzy.

Darunia:
(Picks up Wario)
Wario, relax and chant with me.

Wario:
Errrrrgh ....

Darunia:
Nanuami tofu dah ...

Wario:
Nonuami tofu dah.

Darunia:
Feel better?

Wario:
Nrrgh. Ah, you ain't worth my time. Chicken boy.

Tatl:
Chicken boy!? Say that to my face, you limp noodle!

Wario:
Rrraaaaghhh!
(Grabs Malon and punches; she ducks and he punches Luigi three times.)
Oh, sorry Luigi. Hey!

(He reaches down to catch Malon from crawling away, and Luigi kicks him into Darunia, then attacks with a flying sidekick. They start fighting, with Darunia swiping to get them off. Malon scrambles away.)

Luigi:
Hey! There he goes!

(They chase Malon through a tent, and the Gang of three stop abruptly at the end of the food line. Darunia knocks everyone over, like dominoes, and finally the pot overturns. Everyone gets up and advances on Malon.)

Malon:
Hey, guys...

[Inside the Captain's Tent]

General Rauru:
The Gerudo have struck here, here, and here. I will take the main troops up to the Death Mountain Pass and stop Ganondorf before he destroys this village.

Ingo:
Excellent strategy, sir! I do love surprises.

Rauru:
(To Link)
You will stay and train the new recruits. When Ingo
believes you're ready, you will join us... Captain.

Link:
Captain?

Ingo:
Oh! This is an enormous responsibility, General! Perhaps a soldier with more experience?

Rauru:
Number one in his class, extensive knowledge of training techniques ... an impressive
military lineage... I believe Link will do an excellent job.

Link:
Oh I will! I won't let you down! This is... I mean... Yes sir.

Rauru:
Very good, then. We'll toast Hyrule's victory at the
Castle Town. I'll expect a full report in three weeks.

Ingo:
And believe me, I won't leave anything out.

Link:
Captain Link. Leader of Hyrule's finest troops. No, the greatest troops of all time.
(They step outside to see all the men fighting.)

Ingo:
Most impressive.

Rauru:
Good luck, Captain! Yah!
(He rides off, followed by two lines of soldiers on horses.)

Link:
You know, he's not my REAL father...

Ingo:
What?

Link:

Nevermind...

(Watches the soldiers fight while shaking his head.)

Ingo:

Day One.

Link:

Soldiers!

[Soldiers separate, revealing a cowering Malon]

Soldiers:
HE started it!

Link:
(To Malon)
I don't need anyone causing trouble in my camp.

Malon:
Sorry ...
(In a deep voice)
I mean, sorry you had to say that. But you know what it is when you get those
manly urges... just gotta KILL something. Fix things... cook outdoors...

Link:
What's your name?

Malon:
uh...um...uh...

Ingo:
Your commanding officer just asked you a question!

Malon:
I've got a name... and it's a boy's name, too.

Tatl:
Luigi! How 'bout Luigi?

Malon:
(To Tatl)
HIS name is Luigi.

Link:
I didn't ask for HIS name, I asked for yours!

Tatl:
Uh... Ah-chu!

Malon:
Ah-chu!

Link:
AH-CHU?!

Tatl:
Gesuintit! Hee hee... I kill myself.

Malon:
Tatl...

Link:
TATL?!

Malon:
No.

Link:
Then WHAT is it?!

Tatl:
Mido! Mido was my best friend growing up.

Malon:
It's Mido.

Link:
Mido.

Tatl:
'Course, Mido did steal my best dress--

Malon:
Yes. My name is Mido.

Link:
Let me see your conscription notice.
(Malon hands the scroll to him.)
Talon? THE Talon?

Ingo:
I didn't know Talon had a son.

Malon:
Er, he... doesn't talk about me much.
(She attempts to spit, but fails miserably.)

Ingo:
I can see why. The boy's an absolute lunatic!

(Laughter)

Link:
Okay, gentlemen, thanks to your new friend Mido, you'll spend tonight picking up every single
grain of rice. Tomorrow, the real work begins.

(Grumbling)

Tatl:
You know, we have to work on your people skills.

***