Act Nine
[Ganondorf cuts the top off a tree. The hawk flies overhead and drops a small doll. Gerudo jumps down from the tree and throws the doll to one of the Gerudo.]
Ganondorf:
What do you see?
Gerudo #1:
Rocks... from Death mountain!
Gerudo #2:
Shafts... from arrows.
Gerudo #3:
Elderly Citizen hair... old ladies!
Gerudo #1 and 2:
What?
Gerudo #3:
Oops.
Ganondorf:
This doll came from a village in the Death Mountain pass, where the army is waiting.
Gerudo Archer:
We can avoid them easily.
Ganondorf:
No. The quickest way to the king is through that pass. Besides,
the little girl will be missing her doll. We should return it to her.
***
[Hyrule Field Camp, at night]
Tatl:
Hey, this is not a good idea. What if somebody sees you?
Malon:
Just because I look like a man doesn't mean I have to smell like one.
Tatl:
So a couple guys don't rinse out their socks. Picky,
picky, picky. Myself, I kinda like that corn-chip smell.
Malon:
(Jumps in the water)
Ah.
Tatl:
Okay, all right, alright, that's enough, now c'mon, get out before you get all pruney and stuff.
Malon:
Tatl, if you're so worried, go stand watch!
Tatl:
Yeah, yeah. Stand watch, Tatl, while I blow our secret with my stupid human habits. Hygiene.
(Three naked men flash by, laughing.)
Tatl:
We're doomed! There're a couple of things I KNOW they're bound to notice!
[Malon ducks into the water as Luigi, Wario and Darunia
jump into the water. She tries to hide herself with a lilypad.]
Wario:
Hey, Mido!
Malon:
Oh, hi, guys, I didn't know you were HERE. I was just
washing so now I'm clean and I'm gonna go. Bye-bye.
Luigi:
Come back here! I know we were jerks to you before, so let's start over. Hi, I'm Luigi.
Darunia:
And I'm Darunia.
Malon:
Hello, Darunia.
Wario:
And I am Wario, King of the Rock! And there's nothing you girls can do about it.
Luigi:
Oh yeah? Well, I think Mido and I can take you!
Malon:
I really don't want to take him anywhere.
Luigi:
But, Mido! We have to fight!
Malon:
No, we don't. We could just close our eyes, and... swim around!
Luigi:
C'mon! Don't' be such a... OW! Something bit me!
Tatl:
What a nasty flavor.
Luigi:
(Sees Tatl)
KILLER BUG!!!!
[While Wario, Darunia and Luigi are shrieking, Malon whistles for Epona and sneaks away.]
Luigi:
(Huddled on the rock with Darunia and Wario)
Some King of the Rock.
(Gets pushed into the water)
Malon:
Boy, that was close.
Tatl:
No, that was vile. You owe me big!
Malon:
I never want to see a naked man again.
(A herd of naked men flash by.)
Tatl:
Don't look at me, I ain't biting no more butts.
***
