Act Nine

Act Nine

[Ganondorf cuts the top off a tree. The hawk flies overhead and drops a small doll. Gerudo jumps down from the tree and throws the doll to one of the Gerudo.]

Ganondorf:
What do you see?

Gerudo #1:
Rocks... from Death mountain!

Gerudo #2:
Shafts... from arrows.

Gerudo #3:

Elderly Citizen hair... old ladies!

Gerudo #1 and 2:

What?


Gerudo #3:

Oops.

Ganondorf:
This doll came from a village in the Death Mountain pass, where the army is waiting.

Gerudo Archer:
We can avoid them easily.

Ganondorf:
No. The quickest way to the king is through that pass. Besides,
the little girl will be missing her doll. We should return it to her.

***

[Hyrule Field Camp, at night]

Tatl:
Hey, this is not a good idea. What if somebody sees you?

Malon:
Just because I look like a man doesn't mean I have to smell like one.

Tatl:
So a couple guys don't rinse out their socks. Picky,
picky, picky. Myself, I kinda like that corn-chip smell.

Malon:
(Jumps in the water)
Ah.

Tatl:
Okay, all right, alright, that's enough, now c'mon, get out before you get all pruney and stuff.

Malon:
Tatl, if you're so worried, go stand watch!

Tatl:
Yeah, yeah. Stand watch, Tatl, while I blow our secret with my stupid human habits. Hygiene.

(Three naked men flash by, laughing.)

Tatl:
We're doomed! There're a couple of things I KNOW they're bound to notice!

[Malon ducks into the water as Luigi, Wario and Darunia
jump into the water. She tries to hide herself with a lilypad.]

Wario:
Hey, Mido!

Malon:
Oh, hi, guys, I didn't know you were HERE. I was just
washing so now I'm clean and I'm gonna go. Bye-bye.

Luigi:
Come back here! I know we were jerks to you before, so let's start over. Hi, I'm Luigi.

Darunia:
And I'm Darunia.

Malon:
Hello, Darunia.

Wario:
And I am Wario, King of the Rock! And there's nothing you girls can do about it.

Luigi:
Oh yeah? Well, I think Mido and I can take you!

Malon:
I really don't want to take him anywhere.

Luigi:
But, Mido! We have to fight!

Malon:
No, we don't. We could just close our eyes, and... swim around!

Luigi:
C'mon! Don't' be such a... OW! Something bit me!

Tatl:
What a nasty flavor.

Luigi:
(Sees Tatl)
KILLER BUG!!!!

[While Wario, Darunia and Luigi are shrieking, Malon whistles for Epona and sneaks away.]

Luigi:
(Huddled on the rock with Darunia and Wario)
Some King of the Rock.

(Gets pushed into the water)

Malon:
Boy, that was close.

Tatl:
No, that was vile. You owe me big!

Malon:
I never want to see a naked man again.

(A herd of naked men flash by.)

Tatl:
Don't look at me, I ain't biting no more butts.

***