If the World Were Any Crueler
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If the world were any crueler where would we be today?
All I could think was if anything could be any worse. My world had been turned completely inside out. Nothing was right anymore. Everything was wrong… just wrong.
I suppose it all started with having friends. My first friends—Remus Lupin and James Potter. I met the rat later. I hold the day I met James and Remus close to my heart. They were like family to me. Now Remus knows nothing of where I am. I miss him. James is dead. I miss him more. I was lucky to see Remus once more… two years back. I will see him again soon at least.
Harry—Harry looks so much like James… I feel as though my heart has been severed when I see him… but at the same time, I feel a happiness I never knew. James' kid. James' son, the one James and Lily died for… here. He knew the truth. I am glad and I prey things will get better… not only for me… for everyone…
But my life has been wasted.
I feel an empty hole in my heart where James and Lily had once belonged. And a longing to see my other friends again. Though in my heart I know I will… I dread the day I face Scarlett…
Scarlett… how could I forget my dear Scarlett… The love we had was unbreakable… what is she doing now? Does she know the truth? Has moony told her? No… he would leave me to tell her… sensible Moony. But I wish you had told her… it would be much easier. It is cold out here. So very cold. The snow is piling up. I am afraid… for the first time since James and Lily were killed… I am afraid once more…
I wish someone were here to help me… to comfort me… anyone.
Anyone… Remus? Scarlett? Even Harry would do… I just need someone to talk to… but I don't know where I am anymore. I have been lost. In this woods where a burden has been placed upon me. I must survive! If not for Harry, then for Remus and Scarlett!
I can no longer feel my paws as I pad down a path. I wonder… is this a muggle path? No… This smell in the air… so oddly familiar… I know someone around here.
My heart is racing. There is something watching me. I feel my hackles raising involentarily. I look around but nothing is there. But I smell it… the unusual smell of a familiar friend… a friend. I feel myself falling into the snow. I cant hold up much longer. This intense cold… this hunger… I cant do this, god! I cant!
But I know what your saying now. Your saying "Sirius, you can do it. Have faith!" but how can I have faith after what you have set upon me? For once in my life I want happiness… the happiness I used to have when I was at Hogwarts.
The familiar smell still haunts me as the world blacks out about my head. I wonder to myself if anyone cared enough to care that I could be dead. No of course not. Sirius Black got a grip why would anyone care about you? Yeah, you, killed Lily and James! Its all your fault…
What is that smell?
Its so close… dear god… I look up to the stary sky at the moon in clear viewing, the trees seeming to part.
Moony…
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She sits there staring into the meadow, her eyes linger slightly on a small bird pecking for worms, but she eventually turns her sight to a picture on the window sill. The picture showed a handsome man, about 19 or 20, with jet-black hair and blue eyes which shone mischeiviously, and a smile to match. He was handsome. In his arms he was holding a girl, around 18, who was laughing idiotically as the man swung her around in his arms. He was a strong one, that Sirius. The woman thought grimly. Able to pick me up and throw me around in his arms like that without even straining. She grabbed the picture and threw it against a wall. It shattered.
She looked into the mirror. She hadnt changed at all over the years, really. Her auburn hair glowed with a deep scarlett color to it. Her eyes were a deep blue, nearly purple. She was very beautiful but she didn't see any beauty.
I am dead. Maybe not physically but mentally, I am dead. My heart died 15 years ago. I have hope now though. Remus has visited me. He tries to convince me to keep myself alive. To eat. I do for him. He has lost more than I have. He is my only friend left…
And I to him
He seemed so cheery though. He said better times were yet to come… What does he mean by that?
Better times will never come for me. I am 33 and I promise I will keep myself alive at least till 40. I cry at night sometimes… I don't know why I confide to tell you these things. I cry about him…I cant believe he could do that… to Lily and James… Why would he… how could he?
She sighed.
I miss him and I cant live without him. I want him dead but at the same time I need him alive!!!
She looked outside again. Darkness had come. She looked up to the full moon.
Remus, I hope your alright during your transformations.
I couldn't stand to lose more if… something happened…
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Warmth… I feel it now… I havent felt it in years… I was close to feeling it many times… but Azkaban's memories prevented me… Now I was feeling it… warmth.
I open my eyes to brightness. Cheery yellow wallpaper with white trimmings. A fireplace next to me. I stare at the picture on the mantelpeice. The four boys standing there showing off their new identical tattoos on their arms made his mouth go dry with sadness.
The one on the right, Peter. He was the odd one out. Always on the edge of things. He was the only one not smilling in the picture. Why didn't we notice then how peculiar he was? It would have turned out so much better… The next one… the next one is I, Sirius Black. I had a cunning smile. Something I lost in Azkaban as well. It shall return, I know, but I have yet to see the day. My hair was falling into my face. I always liked my hair like that. Even now my hair does that. The next person… James. James Potter, leader of the marauders. His dark hair was falling into his face. The memories… painful but good.
Where am I? Not only had that thought totally slipped my mind, but so did the vase I had picked up to look at, as someone grabbed my shoulder. I fell. I didn't need to fall but it reminded me… of…of them…
The guards at Azkaban who were there to make sure the dementers were under control had a tendancy to abuse the prisoners… and thoroughly enjoy it. I fell to my knees and covered my head for protection against whatever was coming. I don't know why, usually in this case I would have spun around to see whom it was… but lately my mind had been in Azkaban… at what I would have done there.
"Sirius?" Asked a concerned voice. "Sirius, it's ok. It's me, Remus." He said. I knew why he sounded so damn concerned. He wasn't supposed to know how evil the guards were. Nobody was supposed to know how they treated anyone. People thought that the dementors were enough and that if the guards were cruel too, they wouldn't agree. I peered up and stood, very weakly. I dare not look Remus in the eye, as when I did in the past he had a tendancy to know what was going on.
"Sirius, are you alright? Your lucky I had been wondering in wolf form. If I had decided to stay inside you would have died for sure."
I stayed quiet, not sure that I could speak… he had no idea what I had been through since last year, when I spoke to him breifly.
It had all been terribly difficult. I had nearly died numerous times. I had gotten others in danger, and I felt guilty for more than I could handle. I found what a wonderful color red was… red flowers, red christmas wrapping, red blood…
He sensed the dark memories in me and forced me to sit down. His mood had gotten harder. He needed to know what was wrong with his friend. He wanted to help and he wouldn't take no for an answer.
"Sirius tell me whats wrong. Now." He said firmly. Often times, because he was a werewolf people would listen to him when he took that tone. Oh, Moony, your forgetting who your talking to. Remus slumped his shoulders frustratedly after a few moments.
"Sirius. I swear I will get Scarlett here if you don't talk."
"Fine." He croaked out, his voice hoarse from the forcefulness of it. "Get her. I don't care. You will not know what is wrong. There is nothing wrong." I lied. Of course something was wrong. But I told the truth at 'you will not know what is wrong'.
He sighed. Remus isnt one to make threats and not forfill them if his word is not met. So he grabbed a quill.
"You sure?" He said half-expecting me to stop him. Moony you idiot, getting Scarlett here would never change anything, I actually want to see her, of course this gives me the chance to tell her the truth…
Remus wrote a quick note and sent it out. Clearly he was disapointed.
"Sirius, please, I find you out there, starving and frozen. I took you into here to help you and when you wake up your worse than you were when you first got here… I need to know whats wrong… Why don't you trust me? You can tell me!" He exclaimed. I heard the hurt in his voice.
He's thinking about Peter. About why I chose Peter over him.
I shook my head. I cant tell him. Why cant I tell him? Why? I am just being stubborn now… Oh well. I feel I am doing right not telling him. He takes things too far. He will not ever know about the terrible things I saw…
He heard the knock on the door and I felt myself stiffen. Dear god I should have stopped him! I thought bitterly. Remus saw the fear on my face.
" I could send her away if you tell me…"
He squeezed my eyes shut. No I cant handle seeing her again. Not now.
I nodded. Remus grinned forcfully. And went to the door. I listened closely.
"Remus? What is it?" she asked… Scarlett… my Scarlett… I wanted so much just to run over there and kiss her. I barely remember what she looks like… but I remember her voice… her soothing voice.
"Nothing anymore… could you wait in the kitchen just in case though?"
She responded in a suspicious voice "Alright…"
When Remus came back he sat down across from me, I had tears streaming down my face. Scarletts voice… the only memory I had of her.
"Sirius?"
I snapped. I was sobbing relentlessly and blabbering on and on about the terrors I had had over the past year. So many most would think that someone would have died. I nearly did. A many of times. I found myself on the floor enentually. I was curled in a ball huddled on the floor sobbing into my knees while Remus stared. I had talked myself into hysterics. When I gained control I didn't remember what I had done, but a vase had crashed onto the floor next to me and was in ruins. The window was cracked. I suspected I had thrown something at it.
Remus and I heard a voice from the kitchen.
"R-remus? Whats going on…?" it was a frieghtened voice. A concerned voice more like it.
Remus glanced at me. I understood. After being around each other so much we understood lots. I was still in a ball on the floor. I moved to the corner of the room. The darkest corner I could, and I sat there crying into my robes. I knew he was telling her about me. About the truth, knowing that I probably never would.
I was afraid. I still am afraid.
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Please R/R. I might have more if people like this so far. This is more like a prolougue to the story but I am still having it as a chapter… get it? Like a chapter one = prolouge sort of thing. Please tell me if I should continue by REVIEWING! PS I am sensative to mean comments… **sniff sniff** don't make me cry….
