The Senshi Crackhouse: A Sailor Moon Parody
Part 3
By: Princess Stormy
Rating: PG-13 for some swearing and completely insane content and a few slightly ecchi references.
Stormy: Oh! Look! The chicken is on a wire! Watch out Rava! The two wires are gonna touch!!! (There is a loud ZAP and the smell of yummy fried chicken drifts on the wind. Rava enters the house, cackling and carrying an old detergent bucket.
Rava: Look! A free bucket of chicken! Why wait for the delivery guy when you can make your own using your neighbor's pet. (Takes a big bite of a leg and grins) just like KFC makes it.
Stormy: Oh really? Is that so? (sweatdrops) Anyway…(smiles at the readers) I've been working hard to bring you the funniest story I possibly can. And, while it's not perfect…Hell, it's really messed up…
Rava: You can say that again!
Stormy: Rest assured it is much better than my last part.
Rava: Thank God!
(Sailor Moon is not our property, and, because we don't want to be sued, we have sent all our to support the show by buying all the "useless crap" our parents will allow. Now, thanks to Visa Platinum, my room is a Sailor Moon shrine. (Just how I like it!) Anyway, we do own the infamous "chocolate chip blue spam cookies" that are featured so regularly in this so screwed up fanfic, However, we at the "Senshi Crackhouse Cooking Company" flat out refuse to take any responsibility for anyone who is killed by eating them. Nope, don't even try to blame us! You're the one who made them, baka. Don't you think it's unwise to make ANYTHING with blue spam? (Rava: no)…(facefault) And now on with the fanfic.)
The sand glinted in a golden color of the softest of sunsets. The sapphire waters were calm and tropical fish darted to and fro beneath the surface and a warm breeze caressed the island like the touch of a flower.
Four beautiful girls stood on the shore in a circle. As the camera zoomed in, you could hear the girls talking.
"Listen fire-whore, if you want to die…" Makoto began.
"It's not MY fault the @*$%#!$ plane crashed! Minako was the one who brought 200 suitcases, handbags and duffle bags. And that you guys are too goody-goody to give me a piece of gum!" Rei screamed back.
"Like, aren't we, like, supposed to, like, split up and, like, meet back here in, like, and hour?" Minako asked, her brow furrowed in deep concentration. She appeared to be in pain for a moment, but then looked ok. "Like, at least that's what they did on, like, 'The Island of Fantasies', like, on Skin-a-max, like, last week." She blushed a deep red as the other scouts peered at her curiously.
"Skin-a-max?" Ami asked, obviously not as TV literate as her friends.
Makoto rolled her eyes. "It's a channel where all they do is fu-"
Rei slapped a hand over Jupiter's mouth. "Shut up lightning slut! You'll put her into shock and we don't have any of Usagi's cookies to threaten her with!"
Makoto, realizing the truth of this statement, immediately shut up.
"But what's skin-a-max?!" Ami demanded. The other girls ignored her.
"Actually, I think for once, Minako-chan has something right!" Rei exclaimed, her eyes lighting.
"I do?" Minako asked incredulously.
"She does?" Makoto and Ami echoed.
Makoto put the back of her hand to Rei's forehead. "Rei, are you feeling alright?"
"Yes! Here, let me take your temperature Rei!" Ami exclaimed, producing a long thermometer and a small tube of Vaseline.
"AHHHHH!" Rei shrieked at the top of her lungs. "NONONONONONONONO!"
Jupiter and Venus looked at Mercury and Mars as the blue one chased the fire one around and around.
"Rei, you can't be sick. If you are, we have to know so it doesn't spread."
Minako snickered. "I, like, bet that's, like, the only thing, like, you, like, don't want to, like, spread."
"Ok… guys… If we could get over the whole Neptune/Uranus, Haruka/Michiru thing and get on with our plot?" Makoto snapped.
The other senshi stopped and nodded.
"So… we split up and find what we need to survive." Ami stated. "Everyone got it? Good! Meet back here at 4:00 pm. Lets synchronize out watches."
"Um… Ami?" Makoto asked gently.
"Hmmm?"
"We don't wear watches." Rei told her softly.
"Oh." Ami's voice was crestfallen.
"Like, yeah, cause we, like, have lives." (I'm sure you can guess who the clueless blonde that said that was.)
"Well, meet back here before dark. K?" Ami asked hopefully.
"OK!" The senshi yelled like cheerleaders then raced off in different directions. They managed to run into each other before doing so though. So no one totally escaped with out injury.
************************** ****************************
Mamoru gazed pitifully out of his jail cell. His hands caressed the cold steel bars and he sighed. The bright pink of his satin prison uniform contrasted nicely with the black steel.
"But Ms. Prison Guard! PLEASE!" He begged.
"Fine!" She finally gave in. "But you have to let Guido do them! He' s absolutely wonderful!" She handed Mamoru a small bottle of a bright pink liquid that matched his uniform. Shrieking happily, the dark haired prisoner skipped over to the sinister, disgustingly huge Italian man on the bench in the cell.
"Guido! Would paint my nails for me?" Mamoru begged, falling to his knees.
"What was that?" Guido asked, glowering at his dark haired prison mate.
"Pretty, pretty, pretty please with sugar and strawberries on top?" Mamoru continued.
"O.k.!" The giant man agreed, smiling widely.
"Goody, goody gumdrop!" Mamoru shrieked happily.
*************************** ****************************
"So… miss." Brenda smiled fakely. Today had just been too much. And now, here was this weirdo woman in a totally last millennium, purple cowboy hat who wanted to buy a dress for a "top secret mission".
"Miss?" She tried again. The woman kept glancing around her and winking. "Hey! Freak in the green overcoat!" She finally screamed. The woman looked at her. Brenda took a moment to admire the woman's red, apocalyptic preventing, Mickey Mouse sunglasses.
"Shhhh… don't let anyone here that word." The fashion wreck motioned wildly with her hands, managing to knock down an entire display of tomato juice. Ignoring the mess, she demanded, "Also could you NOT call me miss? I am the man in my relationship. And as I told you before… I NEED A DRESS!!!! But it's a secret so shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" Now, pulling a giant black ball out of her…er… HIS pocket, the lady… um… gentleman…. spoke into it… uhhh…. that is… screamed…. into it.
"PUFFY ORANGE MARSHMALLOWS!!!!"
"Haruka-" Began a beautiful, green-blue haired woman on screen of the ball. At the same time, Brenda was contemplating how the blonde woman had fit such a huge thing into her pocket.
"Are you a sailor senshi?" Brenda asked, visibly excited.
"No! Whatever would make you think that?" Demanded Michiru, tossing her hair as she transformed. "Now… as Haruka was saying, she needs a dress."
"Michiru!" Haruka wailed. "Don't say that around the ears with walls!"
Michiru looked despairingly at the sale's manager. "Within this Luna Ball, I have placed secret information on Tenoh Haruka. This vital information includes her measurements and sizes she wears. It is essential that you get this information to the ladies department as soon as possible. Please help me Brenda-san!" She bowed her head. " You're my only hope." And with that, her image fuzzed and disappeared.
Brenda sweatdropped. "What a freak!" She thought to herself. "The pair of them." But she covered her doubts of the women's sanity… or lack there of, with a Aquafresh-white smile. "So… sir… how about taking a stroll with me over to the dress department?"
The blonde woman looked down at her and winked. "Oh! I see! You want to go for a walk with me. What are you doing later?"
Brenda, fearful for her life, responded with the safest answer she could think of. "Washing my non-existent poodle." She held her breath, hoping this Haruka character was as dense as melted marshmallows.
"Non-existent poodle?! Hey! My Sexy Teddy Bear, Kaioh Michiru, has been wanting one of those since we met." She scratched her head thoughtfully and a blue jay feather drifted to the floor. "But where do you get those?"
(Rava enters and sees Stormy destroying the noble image of one of her beloved outer senshi.
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!?!?!?!?! Stop *sniffle sniffle* hurting her!!!" She glares at the other girl and hits her over the head, repeatedly, with her new art books. "Bakabakabakabaka…"
"Please!" Stormy gasps, "Forgive me oh great bringer of manga and pain! I'll fix it!"
"Good!" Sniffs Rava and sits and stares over Stormy's shoulder as the younger author begins to type once more. This time, glorifying the great Tenoh Haruka.)
"Wait!" Brenda suddenly stopped in her tracks. She and the incredibly hunky female senshi had been strolling along having an incredibly intelligent conversation about non- existent poodles-
(Rava raises the art books threateningly) - Ummm that is… about the lovely weather… (Rava glares at the younger girl) … about astrophysics and the effect of the planets' gravitational pull on the migratory pattern of the Blue Footed Booby. (The smile that lights Rava's face… couldn't light a matchbox. "It's acceptable." Stormy sighs in relief and continues typing about the brave, daring, dashing, incredibly intelligent and impeccably dressed Haruka.)
Brenda had finally recognized the blonde Princess… err Prince Charming. "Tenoh Haruka as in the racecar driver?" At the imperial nod from the racing queen…err… king… she fell to her knees in reverence. Many on lookers also rushed over to worship the great Haruka. Soon, the chant of "Tenoh Haruka, the mighty, great, and impeccably dressed one is among us!" filled the Super K-Mart.
(Rava smiles radiantly and pats Stormy on the head. "There's a good little slave of She Who Worships Haruka and Michiru!" The completely insane Rava chuckles and skips merrily into the kitchen to devour some of the poisonous, totally inedible Devil's Food Cake they made earlier.
"Hope she chokes on it!" Stormy mutters under her breath. She then smiles sweetly at the faithful readers, her face a beacon of hope amongst the insanity of Haruka-worship. (Not that I have anything against her!!!) "I'm so sorry about that last part. But now… DING DONG THE BITCH IS GONE! And I can get back to making Haruka look like a total baka!)
Motioning regally to her worshipers, the blonde announced, "Hey everyone! There's a sale on prune juice and blue-spam cookies in isle 200!" In the mad rush of ravenous shriners, Haruka managed to drag Brenda to the little girl's section. Squealing, she shrieked, "Oh My God, Brenda! Look at those dresses! They are so cute!"
Brenda looked to the sky despairingly, mumbling something about the dresses being too small for a grown woman. Haruka laughed at the thought. Why, SHE was as flexible as any child and she was sure she could get those size double zero, Barbie underwear on her head. Running about, she quickly picked an item from almost every rack. Then, she proceeded to the changing room where she tore her clothes off (do NOT put a hentai joke or even thought here!… well… maybe a thought…) in her eagerness to get the tiny dresses on.
"Brenda-chan!" She screeched bursting, at last, from the dressing room. Doing exaggerated modeling moves and running her hands through her hair and tossing it, Haruka posed for the saleswoman to flashy and cheesy music that began to play. "Do you think I look better in the pink…?" She twirled, the frothy skirt touching her nose. Then, she zipped back in and out of the dressing room, this time in a dress identical to the first but violet. "…Or do you like the purple better?"
"Whatever you want, Mr. Tenoh." Brenda sighed, tending to her bruises from the mob of high Haruka-worshipers.
Haruka emerged from the 'high fashion' store, a white, crinkly, plastic bag in her hand. Michiru was sitting in the passenger's seat of the blonde's banana yellow sports car, reading a novel entitled "Ten Signs It's Time to Leave Your Psychotic, Self-Absorbed, Cross-dressing, Manly, and Impeccably Dressed Lesbian Lover: One girl's true and inspiring (not to mention SERIOUSLY disturbing) Story". When she noticed, her psychotic, self-absorbed, cross-dressing, manly, and impeccably dressed (even though she was in rags) lesbian lover sitting in the driver's seat, she smiled.
"So, Haruka… what did you get?" Michiru asked, at the other woman put the car in gear and pulled out.
"Well I really couldn't decide which dress I liked better so I got two!" The blonde passed her crinkly prize to the green haired woman. As Michiru pulled out the lavender and pink, size 3, little girl dresses, she smiled. Then she proceeded to hit her head repeatedly on the dashboard.
(Stormy saves her part and scampers away as Rava comes back into the room.
Screams can be heard from the street as Stormy runs into the sunset, hoping to outrun the psychotic She Who Worships Haruka and Michiru.)
E-mail Lady Rava at Lady_Rava@aol.com and Princess Stormy at Goldstorm@sailormoon.com
Part 3
By: Princess Stormy
Rating: PG-13 for some swearing and completely insane content and a few slightly ecchi references.
Stormy: Oh! Look! The chicken is on a wire! Watch out Rava! The two wires are gonna touch!!! (There is a loud ZAP and the smell of yummy fried chicken drifts on the wind. Rava enters the house, cackling and carrying an old detergent bucket.
Rava: Look! A free bucket of chicken! Why wait for the delivery guy when you can make your own using your neighbor's pet. (Takes a big bite of a leg and grins) just like KFC makes it.
Stormy: Oh really? Is that so? (sweatdrops) Anyway…(smiles at the readers) I've been working hard to bring you the funniest story I possibly can. And, while it's not perfect…Hell, it's really messed up…
Rava: You can say that again!
Stormy: Rest assured it is much better than my last part.
Rava: Thank God!
(Sailor Moon is not our property, and, because we don't want to be sued, we have sent all our to support the show by buying all the "useless crap" our parents will allow. Now, thanks to Visa Platinum, my room is a Sailor Moon shrine. (Just how I like it!) Anyway, we do own the infamous "chocolate chip blue spam cookies" that are featured so regularly in this so screwed up fanfic, However, we at the "Senshi Crackhouse Cooking Company" flat out refuse to take any responsibility for anyone who is killed by eating them. Nope, don't even try to blame us! You're the one who made them, baka. Don't you think it's unwise to make ANYTHING with blue spam? (Rava: no)…(facefault) And now on with the fanfic.)
The sand glinted in a golden color of the softest of sunsets. The sapphire waters were calm and tropical fish darted to and fro beneath the surface and a warm breeze caressed the island like the touch of a flower.
Four beautiful girls stood on the shore in a circle. As the camera zoomed in, you could hear the girls talking.
"Listen fire-whore, if you want to die…" Makoto began.
"It's not MY fault the @*$%#!$ plane crashed! Minako was the one who brought 200 suitcases, handbags and duffle bags. And that you guys are too goody-goody to give me a piece of gum!" Rei screamed back.
"Like, aren't we, like, supposed to, like, split up and, like, meet back here in, like, and hour?" Minako asked, her brow furrowed in deep concentration. She appeared to be in pain for a moment, but then looked ok. "Like, at least that's what they did on, like, 'The Island of Fantasies', like, on Skin-a-max, like, last week." She blushed a deep red as the other scouts peered at her curiously.
"Skin-a-max?" Ami asked, obviously not as TV literate as her friends.
Makoto rolled her eyes. "It's a channel where all they do is fu-"
Rei slapped a hand over Jupiter's mouth. "Shut up lightning slut! You'll put her into shock and we don't have any of Usagi's cookies to threaten her with!"
Makoto, realizing the truth of this statement, immediately shut up.
"But what's skin-a-max?!" Ami demanded. The other girls ignored her.
"Actually, I think for once, Minako-chan has something right!" Rei exclaimed, her eyes lighting.
"I do?" Minako asked incredulously.
"She does?" Makoto and Ami echoed.
Makoto put the back of her hand to Rei's forehead. "Rei, are you feeling alright?"
"Yes! Here, let me take your temperature Rei!" Ami exclaimed, producing a long thermometer and a small tube of Vaseline.
"AHHHHH!" Rei shrieked at the top of her lungs. "NONONONONONONONO!"
Jupiter and Venus looked at Mercury and Mars as the blue one chased the fire one around and around.
"Rei, you can't be sick. If you are, we have to know so it doesn't spread."
Minako snickered. "I, like, bet that's, like, the only thing, like, you, like, don't want to, like, spread."
"Ok… guys… If we could get over the whole Neptune/Uranus, Haruka/Michiru thing and get on with our plot?" Makoto snapped.
The other senshi stopped and nodded.
"So… we split up and find what we need to survive." Ami stated. "Everyone got it? Good! Meet back here at 4:00 pm. Lets synchronize out watches."
"Um… Ami?" Makoto asked gently.
"Hmmm?"
"We don't wear watches." Rei told her softly.
"Oh." Ami's voice was crestfallen.
"Like, yeah, cause we, like, have lives." (I'm sure you can guess who the clueless blonde that said that was.)
"Well, meet back here before dark. K?" Ami asked hopefully.
"OK!" The senshi yelled like cheerleaders then raced off in different directions. They managed to run into each other before doing so though. So no one totally escaped with out injury.
************************** ****************************
Mamoru gazed pitifully out of his jail cell. His hands caressed the cold steel bars and he sighed. The bright pink of his satin prison uniform contrasted nicely with the black steel.
"But Ms. Prison Guard! PLEASE!" He begged.
"Fine!" She finally gave in. "But you have to let Guido do them! He' s absolutely wonderful!" She handed Mamoru a small bottle of a bright pink liquid that matched his uniform. Shrieking happily, the dark haired prisoner skipped over to the sinister, disgustingly huge Italian man on the bench in the cell.
"Guido! Would paint my nails for me?" Mamoru begged, falling to his knees.
"What was that?" Guido asked, glowering at his dark haired prison mate.
"Pretty, pretty, pretty please with sugar and strawberries on top?" Mamoru continued.
"O.k.!" The giant man agreed, smiling widely.
"Goody, goody gumdrop!" Mamoru shrieked happily.
*************************** ****************************
"So… miss." Brenda smiled fakely. Today had just been too much. And now, here was this weirdo woman in a totally last millennium, purple cowboy hat who wanted to buy a dress for a "top secret mission".
"Miss?" She tried again. The woman kept glancing around her and winking. "Hey! Freak in the green overcoat!" She finally screamed. The woman looked at her. Brenda took a moment to admire the woman's red, apocalyptic preventing, Mickey Mouse sunglasses.
"Shhhh… don't let anyone here that word." The fashion wreck motioned wildly with her hands, managing to knock down an entire display of tomato juice. Ignoring the mess, she demanded, "Also could you NOT call me miss? I am the man in my relationship. And as I told you before… I NEED A DRESS!!!! But it's a secret so shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" Now, pulling a giant black ball out of her…er… HIS pocket, the lady… um… gentleman…. spoke into it… uhhh…. that is… screamed…. into it.
"PUFFY ORANGE MARSHMALLOWS!!!!"
"Haruka-" Began a beautiful, green-blue haired woman on screen of the ball. At the same time, Brenda was contemplating how the blonde woman had fit such a huge thing into her pocket.
"Are you a sailor senshi?" Brenda asked, visibly excited.
"No! Whatever would make you think that?" Demanded Michiru, tossing her hair as she transformed. "Now… as Haruka was saying, she needs a dress."
"Michiru!" Haruka wailed. "Don't say that around the ears with walls!"
Michiru looked despairingly at the sale's manager. "Within this Luna Ball, I have placed secret information on Tenoh Haruka. This vital information includes her measurements and sizes she wears. It is essential that you get this information to the ladies department as soon as possible. Please help me Brenda-san!" She bowed her head. " You're my only hope." And with that, her image fuzzed and disappeared.
Brenda sweatdropped. "What a freak!" She thought to herself. "The pair of them." But she covered her doubts of the women's sanity… or lack there of, with a Aquafresh-white smile. "So… sir… how about taking a stroll with me over to the dress department?"
The blonde woman looked down at her and winked. "Oh! I see! You want to go for a walk with me. What are you doing later?"
Brenda, fearful for her life, responded with the safest answer she could think of. "Washing my non-existent poodle." She held her breath, hoping this Haruka character was as dense as melted marshmallows.
"Non-existent poodle?! Hey! My Sexy Teddy Bear, Kaioh Michiru, has been wanting one of those since we met." She scratched her head thoughtfully and a blue jay feather drifted to the floor. "But where do you get those?"
(Rava enters and sees Stormy destroying the noble image of one of her beloved outer senshi.
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!?!?!?!?! Stop *sniffle sniffle* hurting her!!!" She glares at the other girl and hits her over the head, repeatedly, with her new art books. "Bakabakabakabaka…"
"Please!" Stormy gasps, "Forgive me oh great bringer of manga and pain! I'll fix it!"
"Good!" Sniffs Rava and sits and stares over Stormy's shoulder as the younger author begins to type once more. This time, glorifying the great Tenoh Haruka.)
"Wait!" Brenda suddenly stopped in her tracks. She and the incredibly hunky female senshi had been strolling along having an incredibly intelligent conversation about non- existent poodles-
(Rava raises the art books threateningly) - Ummm that is… about the lovely weather… (Rava glares at the younger girl) … about astrophysics and the effect of the planets' gravitational pull on the migratory pattern of the Blue Footed Booby. (The smile that lights Rava's face… couldn't light a matchbox. "It's acceptable." Stormy sighs in relief and continues typing about the brave, daring, dashing, incredibly intelligent and impeccably dressed Haruka.)
Brenda had finally recognized the blonde Princess… err Prince Charming. "Tenoh Haruka as in the racecar driver?" At the imperial nod from the racing queen…err… king… she fell to her knees in reverence. Many on lookers also rushed over to worship the great Haruka. Soon, the chant of "Tenoh Haruka, the mighty, great, and impeccably dressed one is among us!" filled the Super K-Mart.
(Rava smiles radiantly and pats Stormy on the head. "There's a good little slave of She Who Worships Haruka and Michiru!" The completely insane Rava chuckles and skips merrily into the kitchen to devour some of the poisonous, totally inedible Devil's Food Cake they made earlier.
"Hope she chokes on it!" Stormy mutters under her breath. She then smiles sweetly at the faithful readers, her face a beacon of hope amongst the insanity of Haruka-worship. (Not that I have anything against her!!!) "I'm so sorry about that last part. But now… DING DONG THE BITCH IS GONE! And I can get back to making Haruka look like a total baka!)
Motioning regally to her worshipers, the blonde announced, "Hey everyone! There's a sale on prune juice and blue-spam cookies in isle 200!" In the mad rush of ravenous shriners, Haruka managed to drag Brenda to the little girl's section. Squealing, she shrieked, "Oh My God, Brenda! Look at those dresses! They are so cute!"
Brenda looked to the sky despairingly, mumbling something about the dresses being too small for a grown woman. Haruka laughed at the thought. Why, SHE was as flexible as any child and she was sure she could get those size double zero, Barbie underwear on her head. Running about, she quickly picked an item from almost every rack. Then, she proceeded to the changing room where she tore her clothes off (do NOT put a hentai joke or even thought here!… well… maybe a thought…) in her eagerness to get the tiny dresses on.
"Brenda-chan!" She screeched bursting, at last, from the dressing room. Doing exaggerated modeling moves and running her hands through her hair and tossing it, Haruka posed for the saleswoman to flashy and cheesy music that began to play. "Do you think I look better in the pink…?" She twirled, the frothy skirt touching her nose. Then, she zipped back in and out of the dressing room, this time in a dress identical to the first but violet. "…Or do you like the purple better?"
"Whatever you want, Mr. Tenoh." Brenda sighed, tending to her bruises from the mob of high Haruka-worshipers.
Haruka emerged from the 'high fashion' store, a white, crinkly, plastic bag in her hand. Michiru was sitting in the passenger's seat of the blonde's banana yellow sports car, reading a novel entitled "Ten Signs It's Time to Leave Your Psychotic, Self-Absorbed, Cross-dressing, Manly, and Impeccably Dressed Lesbian Lover: One girl's true and inspiring (not to mention SERIOUSLY disturbing) Story". When she noticed, her psychotic, self-absorbed, cross-dressing, manly, and impeccably dressed (even though she was in rags) lesbian lover sitting in the driver's seat, she smiled.
"So, Haruka… what did you get?" Michiru asked, at the other woman put the car in gear and pulled out.
"Well I really couldn't decide which dress I liked better so I got two!" The blonde passed her crinkly prize to the green haired woman. As Michiru pulled out the lavender and pink, size 3, little girl dresses, she smiled. Then she proceeded to hit her head repeatedly on the dashboard.
(Stormy saves her part and scampers away as Rava comes back into the room.
Screams can be heard from the street as Stormy runs into the sunset, hoping to outrun the psychotic She Who Worships Haruka and Michiru.)
E-mail Lady Rava at Lady_Rava@aol.com and Princess Stormy at Goldstorm@sailormoon.com
