Title: Facing Fears
Author: Jenn
Rating: PG-13 at the moment
Summary: sequel to Secret past which can be found at http://jennsplace.envy.nu/sp.html
Maria has come back to Roswell after being raised by her abusive father.
Disclaimer: nothing is mine!


I stepped through the doors of the Crashdown and walked toward a table in the back. Suddenly my eyes fell upon Isabel Evans, and she was staring straight at me. Isabel raised a finger and beckoned me to her. Everything seemed to move in slow motion as I approached the table where she sat.

'Why?' I asked myself. I was not about to become another one of Isabel Evans' slaves. I had been a slave all my life, and I had seen how she treated her subjects. Isabel wasn't a cruel person, rather alien, but she knew how to get what she wanted. And if what she wanted was Michael I knew I couldn't win.

"What?" I snapped when I reached the table. When had I become so paranoid? When had I ever been scared of anyone? Was this what being a human was about? Was this happiness? Because the apprehension and nervousness I felt were turning my stomach in circles, spinning it like a washing machine. It made me sick, sick to think I could let her intimidate me. No one intimidated me, no one ever had before.

Her expression told me that she was annoyed with the way I had handled her suggestion that I might want the pleasure of her company. Why did I feel like I was in the presence of the Queen of England? This was a teenage girl. But I held her life in my hands, but mine was in hers too. I knew she had the power to kill me. Even if she didn't know it I knew that the power to heal, also meant the power to kill. And even if her powers couldn't kill me, her anger could. Life was a precious thing and when it was threatened its possessor could do things they never thought possible.

"I just wanted to talk to you," she said motioning for me to sit down. I would rather have stood, it always kept conversations shorter. But I sat, only because I hadn't come here to fight with anyone. I had come here to see Liz, and maybe sneak in a little Michael viewing on the side.

"Oh, ok," I mumbled.

"It's about Michael," she said. My body tensed up and I suddenly felt the need to defend myself. I didn't care what powers she had, Michael was mine. He had given her up for me, and I had given up too much in my life, this was one present I was going to keep.

"Look, I didn't do anything wrong. I didn't try to seduce him, I didn't try to win him over. All I did was talk to him, all I did was fall in love with him, all I did was try not to love him," I said, trying to stay firm, fighting back the ever present tears that flowed through me.

"I didn't say anything, did I?" she shrugged innocently. "I just wanted to say that I hold nothing against you. I may be intimidating, but I'm not heartless. And I'm not stupid…"

"I never said you were," I interrupted, still feeling I had to tread softly.

"Just let me talk please," she said. I didn't bother answering. I could tell she was a lot like me, stubborn, strong-willed, and icy cold. But I had had these feelings beaten into me, seduced into me. They had come after many hard hours of practice, after many hard years of submission. She was born this way. But maybe they had been taught to her too. Maybe being alien taught her these lessons. Fists can be just as hurtful as silent glares. Maybe in my own way I was alien too. But I didn't have the government after me, that was our one major difference.

"I'm not stupid, I know what Michael and I had wasn't real love, at least not more than a friendship kind of love. We've known each other since birth, well since we were adopted, and it seems we've been dating for about that long. I knew it wouldn't last, especially after we met Liz and Alex. Mostly we stayed together because we had the same past. We didn't trust humans. But when Max healed Liz everything changed. He started to form friendships, he started to smile, he stopped having nightmares, stopped coming to me as often. I knew he wasn't mine, he never was. But we hung onto each other, we felt we had to."

I swore I saw tears in her eyes as she finished her confession, but if there were they were gone as quickly as they came. I figured she wasn't one to show her weaknesses, I usually wasn't either. Masks were things for amateurs, people like Isabel didn't need masks, her face was already frozen, her heart had killed her tears in their tracks before she was born.

"So I just wanted to wish you luck with him. He's one tough bastard sometimes, you're typical male but ten times worse. He's sweet though, and charming. That makes up for the times he totally screws up."

"Thanks for the warning," I said getting up from my seat.

"One more thing," she said grabbing my arm as I started to walk away. "I would like it if we could be friends. I mean, I don't really have many good friends if you know what I mean, and we don't seem like we're that different," she almost pleaded. I was surprised she took her thoughts away from herself long enough to notice anything about me.

"I thought you were scared of me," I replied. "Or was I supposed to be scared of you?" I asked with mock confusion.

"Maybe it's just so I can keep tabs on you," she said. I looked at her to see if she was serious and her face broke out in a smile. I laughed.

"Sure. But does this mean we have to do all that girlie stuff like paint our toenails together and watch sappy movies?"

"Are you kidding me? Of course we do," she replied and I scrunched my nose and gave her a look of disgust. "But I like action movies better."

"That's my kind of girl." We laughed together and I sat back down at the table.

"So what's Michael really like?" I asked. I'd only been with him for a few days, so I felt that some background could be helpful.

"Well…" she said. And then she told me basically everything about Michael's life. She knew him inside and out and I began to feel jealous that she shared so many memories with him, knew so much about him. I could never learn all that, never experience it. What if our memories together didn't compare with the ones he had with Isabel? Would he leave me for her? I couldn't help but feel like I could never be the same to him as Isabel was. And I convinced myself I could be better. That I could learn everything about him I could.

I though what if Isabel was only friends with me to show me that I couldn't be her, to show me I could never live up to that? 'Could she sink that low?' I asked myself. Looking at her telling me stories and laughing with me I knew she couldn't.

"I can't do it," I must have said aloud. A few people in the restaurant turned to look at me and my cheeks flushed with embarrassment.

"Can't do what?" Isabel asked. I figured there was no use lying when she had been so honest about everything with me so I told her what I was feeling. When I started to cry she handed me a tissue and took me to her car.

"Why don't we go over my house for a bit?" she said. I just nodded because I wasn't sure if my voice would work or not.

After a few hours she brought me back to pick up my car and I was feeling better than I had in years. Roswell was good for me. It was a medicine I couldn't have gotten anywhere else. No drug store sold a drug like home, no doctor could prescribe an antibiotic like friendship. I had been told these things, the free things, were the best things in life, I had never believed. But now I knew they were. I was healing, and I was certain it was because of Roswell.

And I saw Michael walking towards my car as I was about to pull away. He raised his arm and called for me to stop. And when I saw the smile on his face I felt my face mirror, my mouth stretched wider than I ever thought possible. And in that instant I knew Michael Guerin was going to be the best medicine of all. He would help me face the fears that hid deep within me. But we had to take it slowly. Medicine was given in small doses to prevent further damage.