Author's Notes: I'm back again!!! This story is rated PG instead of G for one small little sentence. This story stars Tai, Matt, and of course Joe. We get more evidence of Tai's ever growing stupidity and are shown small hints of Taiora, Joumi, and if you take it the wrong way, even a hint of Taito(even though it's not intentional).

Disclaimer: I don't own digimon, the digidestined, or the "For Dummies" books, ect...

First-Aid For Dummies

"What are you reading, Tai?"

Tai Kamiya looked up from the book he had been absorbed in. His younger sister, Kari was standing there eating a bag of chips.

"A book on first-aid, why?"

"Why would you need to know first-aid?" asked Kari.

Tai grinned evily at his sister. "Say for example that by some freak accident, you were seriously injured..."

"Okay, okay, I get the picture," Kari said, walking away. "No need to demonstrate."

*Demonstrate!* The idea suddenly came to Tai. *I can't truely learn, unless I can practise!*

"That's it!" he exclaimed, standing up. "I'll ask for help!"

But who would he ask help from? Not Kari or TK, they wouldn't know anything. Mimi was probably out shopping, more likely she had dragged one of the other guys out with her... He'd call Sora! She'd help him out! Tai picked up the phone and dialed her number. Sora picked up the phone.

"Takenouchi residence, Sora speaking."

"Hi, Sora, it's Tai. I need your help. Could you do me a favour?"

"Sure, Tai. What is it?"

"I'm learning first-aid and I need you to help me with my mouth to mouth." Tai listened to the shocked silence. Then he heard the dial tone. "Sora? You there? Hello... d**n it!" *You've blown it again, Kamiya! I don't get it. How come when Matt uses these lines on chicks it works like a charm but fails when I use it?*

Sighing, Tai hung up the phone. Well he could just forget about sora helping him...or speaking to him for that matter. *I'll call Izzy. That guy knows everything!* Tai picked up the phone again and dialed the Izumi's.

"Hello?"

"Izzy! Hi, man! I need your help-"

"No, Tai, no! That's what you said last time! And my lap top's in the shop because of it!"

"But it's really important!"

"No, Tai! Ask Matt or Joe. Good bye." Izzy hung up.

"Great, I'm 0 for 2," Tai muttered exasperatedly. "Well I guess I'll try Joe. There's no reason for him to be mad at me." Tai dialed up Joe. "Joe, I need your help."

"With?" asked Joe.

"I need to practise my first-aid. Could you give me a few pointers?"

"Yeah, I suppose. I'll be over at your place tomorrow afternoon at two. I'll bring an assisstant to practise on."

"Will she be beautiful?"

"Well that all depends," replied Joe. "I'll have to see if Mimi's availible."

Tai was revolted. "Ew! No way! Not her! No!"

"Fine," Joe sighed. "I'll see if Sora will come..."

"Okay, thanks, Joe!"

* * *

At two o'clock the next day, the doorbell rang. Tai opened the door to greet Joe and...

"Matt?!" Tai was surprised and disappointed. "You're the so called 'beautiful' assistant? Where's Sora?"

"Didn't want to come for some reason," Joe said. "So you're stuck with Matt."

"Deal with it, Tai," Matt said, sitting down on the sofa. "So what am I supposed to do?"

"Lesson one," Joe said, closing the apartment door, "pulse check."

"I already know Matt has a pulse," said Tai. "If he didn't, he'd be dead."

"Do you want to learn first-aid or not?" asked Joe. Tai nodded. "Then just do what I tell you! Now there are two ways to check a pulse. You can use either his wrist or his neck."

"I've seen this stuff on TV!" Tai exclaimed. "This is easy!" Tai grabbed Matt tightly around the neck. "Uh, Joe? I'm not detecting a pulse here."

"Tai... you're... choking me!" gasped out Matt. His face was beginning to turn blue.

"Sorry, Matt," apologized Tai, relaxing his grasp. Matt fell to the floor, coughing and gagging. "Oops."

"I think we should move on," Joe said. "Lesson two, the Heimlich manuver. To prevent a person from choking, place your arms around their stomach and apply forceful pressure."

Tai did as Joe instructed. Unfortunately, Tai used a little too much pressure. Matt gasped and fell forwards, moaning in pain and clutching his stomach.

"Tai, you're gonna kill me one of these days," he moaned. "Can we take a break?"

"Already?" Tai ignored Matt's moans of pain. "I'm just getting warmed up! What's next, Joe?"

"Uhh... we'll move right on to cardio pulminary resusitation."

Tai blinked a couple of times. "Card what now?"

"Cardio pulminary resusitation," repeated Joe.

"He means CPR, Tai," Matt sighed.

"How would you know?" asked Tai.

Matt shrugged. "I have my connections."

"Whatever," dismissed Tai. "So what do I have to do?"

"Okay," Joe began. "Matt, lie on the floor and take off your shirt."

"No way, man!" protested Matt. "My shirt stays on!"

"Fine, have it your way," sighed Joe. "Keep your shirt on. Now Tai, you have to position yourself over Matt's abdominal area. Position your hands over his chest but don't push! You could injure him."

"But aren't you supposed to push?" asked Tai, from his position on Matt.

"Only if he's not breathing and his pulse is low," Joe said. "Onto the next lesson."

"Can Tai get off me now?" asked Matt. "I REALLY don'y like this position."

"Soon, Matt, soon," Joe assured. "Right after me practise the mouth to mouth."

Matt was horrified. "What?! No way! I won't let him do it! His lips are going no where near mine!"

"But Matt, I have to-" Tai began.

"I don't care!" Matt interrupted. "Five bucks is NOT worth this! I'm going home!"

"I'll jack up the price to twenty dollars if you stay," coaxed Joe.

"American?"

Joe sighed. "American."

"Okay!" Matt lay back down on the floor. "Let's get this over with, Tai."

"Alright," Tai nodded. "So what do I do, Joe?"

"Plug the victim's nose and blow into their airways. Matt, you're going to have to be extremely still."

Leaning forwards, Tai pinched Matt's nose shut. Tai's face inched closer and closer to Matt's until... WHACK!!!

"Ow! Matt!" Tai fell back, masaging his temple. "What was that for?"

"What do you think it was for?" said Matt. "There is no way I'm going through with this!"

"I'll hold him down, Tai," Joe instructed. "You give him the mouth to mouth!"

Joe held Matt down and pinned his arms to the floor. Tai took his strattling position over Matt and leaned forwards, towards him. Matt struggled but with Tai's weight over his mid section and Joe holding him down, he couldn't move.

"RAPE!!!" Matt screamed as loud as he could. "HELP!!!"

"Shut up, Matt!" pleaded Joe. "You're gonna attract the neighbours!"

"Matt, it'll all be over in a couple of seconds," Tai coaxed. "Just hold still!"

"Noooooooooooo..." moaned Matt, as Tai's lips locked onto his. Matt's cries for help ceased and he began to thrash. Tai lost his balance and fell forwards on top of Matt. It was at that moment, the door of the apartment opened up and Kari walked in.

"I'm home!" she called. She paused, staring at Tai lying on top of Matt, their mouths still locked together. She could hear gagging noises coming from Matt. "What are you guys doing?! Tai!"

Tai sat up immediately and got off of Matt. Matt lay on the floor dazed and groggy. Joe looked up from Matt to Tai and Kari.

"We were practising first-aid," Tai answered, red with embarrassment.

"By what? Frenching your best friend?" Kari began to snicker. "wait until everyone at school finds out! Tai Kamiya made out with Matt Ishida and almost choked him with his tongue! Hahaha!" Matt coughed in response.

"This is the last time I help you, Tai," Matt groaned standing up. "Izzy's right, you ARE dangerous. I'm going home." He glared at Kari on the way out. "If you EVER breathe a word of this to ANYONE, I will hunt you down like a dog." He slammed the door behind him.

Joe picked up Tai's book, "First-Aid For Dummies" and handed it to him. "Stick to this from now on."


I know, my mind can be a scary and disgusting place. But I do promise that the rest of the fics will be clean! Probably... I find this one really funny(in a sick and twisted kind of way). Read and review to let me know what you think. But don't even think about flames!!! A microwave is usually used to make smores...

As a side note(I know this is probably beginning to get annoying) I'm still asking for questions about the digidestined or just digimon in general(silly or serious, I don't care) for the digidestined to answer. If you've got any, post them in the review or email them to me at:
crest_friendship7@hotmail.com