*~* Chapter 3 *~*
"What's he still doing here?!"
"We can't wake him."
"Then just move him!!! I don't have
time for this!" The urgency of the voices pounded through his skull. He
felt hands grip his arms as they began to forcibly move him. His eyes still
wouldn't open. What's going on? He wondered, and began struggling to
wake. He could hear machines, beeping, droning, and voices, precise and
determined. He opened his eyes to a scene filled with white-cloaked bodies.
Sudden realization hit him and he leapt to his feet, throwing the two young men
off of him.
"Get him out of here! Come on
people!" NO!! He thought, barely restraining himself from tossing
the doctors away from the bed to reach her. The two young men, who had tried to
drag him out of the room earlier, were now trying to persuade him to leave. He
was completely unaware of their efforts. He turned to one, noticing him for the
first time.
"WHAT HAPPENED?" He demanded.
The man shrank away from him.
"The monitors just started going
haywire." He hastily explained. Squall was frozen. Desperation tore at
him; he had to do something, anything but just stand there. The idea that there
was nothing he could do was foreign to him. "They are doing everything
possible, Sir. You're only in the way here." Squall barely heard him, but
left the room anyway. He couldn't watch any longer. The hallway was dark,
lonely, and infinitely empty. The commotion in the room was muffled, dreamlike.
As if to shield him from the painful reality, the dream began to wash over him.
It was all too easy to just to focus on remembering the dream that had kept him
from waking just moments earlier.
~flashback~
He was writing, desperately scrawling as
quickly as he could; though he had no control over the hand that held the pen.
A tear splattered on the paper, sinking into the fiber, distorting the words.
It was Rinoa's handwriting, barely. It was rushed and sloppy, but he recognized
the tilt to the letters the shapes of the words. He tried to read them, but she
looked up, rubbing her eyes. He felt uneasy, invasive. He didn't want to be
there, inside her head. It just felt wrong. His/her eyes burned, he could see
the reflection in the mirror, she was thin, and her eyes were puffy and red.
He/she stood and went to the window. The room that had known so well was a
terrible mess. It was hard to even imagine Rinoa living this way. The wings
from her Festival costume hung by the window, fluttering slightly, the only
thing that seemed to belong there. Papers and books were piled about, and her
clothes were scattered in haphazard piles. An ashtray over filled with
cigarette butts sat on the desk, ashes spilling over the edge, onto the wood.
Angelo lay on her unmade bed, whining softly. She gazed out the open window and
lit a cigarette. Her now bony hands shook as she lit it. He wanted to choke as
she inhaled... It was a vulgar habit he had never imagined her capable of. He
feverently hoped she would stop and go back to writing.
Then the voices started. Very faint,
barely noticeable... but still undeniably there. At first he thought it was
from out in the hall, but eventually realized they were echoing insider her
mind. They began to grow in intensity, angry, malicious and vengeful. He
couldn't make out the words, but the emotions were intense. She gripped the
windowsill, shaking her head. "GO AWAY!" she moaned. "I can't
help you... I can't do what you want. I won't, I cant!" She took a long
drag off the cigarette and closed her eyes. The voices got duller for a moment
and then returned with even more intensity. They howled and moaned. It was
unlike anything Squall had ever heard before... utterly unearthly. In that
moment, he was truly scared.
~end
flashback~
Squall paced in frustration. He felt
completely helpless. It was hard for him deal with the fact that couldn't help
Rinoa in any way. His mind was racing over everything that had happened. He
could hardly believe that what she'd endured. With those voices haunting her it
was no wonder she'd been acting so strangely. Some knight I've been. He
thought. I've done nothing but fail her! He ran is hands through his
hair and turned, nearly running into Quistis. She stood before him for a moment
with an unfamiliar expression on her face, clutching a pile of papers. She
looked shaken... and guilty. He knew the feeling all too well.
"Squall, what happened?" She
looked near the verge of tears. He shook his head and continued pacing.
"I don't know.... I think... Rinoa is..."
He couldn't contine. Quistis almost dropped the papers.
"Oh...no..."she whispered. The
tears began building in her eyes. Squall couldn't face her.
"I...I'm so sorry." She sobbed.
"I feel so awful about all of this. Poor Rinoa..." She sat down,
unable to hold back the tears any longer. Squall continued to pace, anything to
keep him from thinking too hard. She sobbed quietly for a while, clutching the
papers to her chest.
"I found these in her room." She
finally managed after a long silence. "I had no idea... She was so
tortured..." Squall spun on her.
"Don't even talk about her as if
she's already gone!" Quests nodded silently.
"I'm sorry...." She took a deep
breath, wiped her eyes and looked down at the papers in her lap. "I think
this one is for you." She held up a sheet of paper with Rinoa's
unmistakable handwriting. He looked at it for a moment and took it from her,
reading silently.
For
You
I've always known where to go
Following blindly
My fated path
I always knew how I felt
My feelings burning
Bright within me
I've always known what to do
Moving determinedly
A goal firmly in mind
Until you
I thought I knew where to go
I thought I knew how I felt
I thought I knew what to do
Until you
Now the questions burn inside me
The answers once clear
Are all clouded
My judgment is gone
My feelings muddied
Hazy and dull
Now I wander
With no goal in mind
No path defined
Because of you
All I know
Is my love for you
Love's burning light my only path
All else has no meaning,
Your love
The only thing worth feeling
Now all I do
I do only for you
All I am exists only for you
He took a ragged breath and sat down,
putting his head in his hands. He almost wanted to cry... but all he felt was
empty.
"There's more..." Quistis said,
breaking him out of thought. He was thankful for the distraction. There were
too many things going through his mind all at once. "Page after page of
everything that went on inside her head while I was busy being awful to
her." Quistis put a hand on Squall's shoulder. "I couldn't read it
all... I think you're the only one who should."
"........"
"She'll pull through." Squall
looked up at the nurse in the doorway. "That toxin we found earlier was a
slow acting poison. Luckily we got to her in time. She's resting now."
Squall inhaled, the relief was unbelievable, he nearly smiled. It'll be okay
now...I won't fail her again...
Rinoa blinked painfully. All she could see
was blinding light. Am I dead? She thought. Slowly her eyes focused, and
she could see a figure hovering above her. Squall. I'd better not be dead if
he's here. He smiled, and she couldn't help but smile back. No matter what
act she put forward, she was always happy to see him. She just couldn't help
it. He stroked her cheek, she sighed, and let herself enjoy his presence.
"You are going to get through this.
Just keep fighting, please." He whispered. She nodded, ever so slightly.
Her hand found it's way to the ring that hung around her neck, and let sleep
take her once again.
****
Selphie fidgeted and tried to sit still,
which was incredibly hard. She had never liked hospitals. All the machines and
the sterile smell of the place made her skin crawl. But she stayed and watched
over Rinoa as she slept. She had volunteered to keep an eye on Rinoa for
Squall. She thought it was kind of amusing that he didn't trust the nurses to
do the job. One of his trusted friends had to be with her at all times or he
wouldn't leave. She didn't know what to think of the situation, all she knew
was that Rinoa was in serious trouble and no one knew what to do about it. She
sighed and put on her headphones, she hated thinking too much, but it was hard
not to. Everything had been so strange lately. She couldn't help but miss
Trabia. She smiled thinking of the months that she, Rinoa and Quistis had spent
helping to repair the ravaged garden. That was back before Rinoa had changed...
when everything was going so well.
~begin*flashback~
Selphie loved piloting the Ragnarok, it
gave her rush that so few other things did. It was the only time in her life
that she liked being the one in charge... the one holding so many other lives
in her hands. Rinoa sat quietly beside her, trying to figure out just how she managed
to pilot the craft. Quistis was down below, organizing and handing out orders
to the relief volunteers. Selphie noticed nothing but the sky and scenery
below. Oh a whim she steered the craft upward, above the cloud pack, just to
see what it looked like. For a brief time they were flying blind through the
blue gray fog swirling around them. She gasped in amazement as they topped the
clouds and entered a realm unlike any other. The sun glinted brightly against
the clear blue sky, and a floor of clouds spread out before them endlessly. The
billowy gray mass below seemed almost substantial enough to get out and walk
around on. Tranquility settled over her, as it rarely did. She sighed and
giggled. No matter how many times she flew, the sights still brought intense
emotions. Rinoa had nodded off to sleep beside her, leaving her to her
thoughts.
"What are you doing?!" Quistis
had come up to the cockpit, and not in a very good mood from the sound of it.
"You have a cargo hold full of supplies down there, you can't be messing
around with daring maneuvers!" Selphie simply shrugged and leveled out the
craft. Rinoa blinked at Quistis.
"But look! Isn't it gorgeous?!"
Selphie exclaimed.
"Yes, just like every time we
fly...But this time you need to be careful! I thought you would understand
that. This is, after all, for your beloved Trabia!" Quistis scolded.
"I know, I know..." Selphie muttered.
"Nothing got damaged, did it?"
Rinoa asked, getting up to stretch.
"Thankfully, no, but we've got a
bunch a worried volunteers." Rinoa giggled, and Quistis glared.
"No harm done, then. Those volunteers
need a little of excitement in their lives!" Rinoa said. Selphie had
quickly lost interest in the conversation was concentrating on flying. They
weren't far from their destination, and landing could be difficult in the rocky
terrain. She began to descend, more carefully this time, the mountain ranges
that hid the garden coming into view. She smiled; her friends' voices just a
backdrop to her thoughts. She was coming home. Trabia was always home to her,
and by the time they were done there, it would almost be back to normal. She
bounced a bit in her seat, anxious to see her old friends. They had been
waiting far too long for assistance. It would be Selphie to the rescue! She hummed
under her breath and began to ready the craft to land.
****
Selphie had long since grown bored of
being ordered around by Quistis and had wandered off to find Rinoa. Rinoa had
been taking long hikes in the mountains lately, and Selphie had begun to wonder
what it was that she'd been doing. Her boots crunched noisily in the light snow
that had covered the ground since they'd arrived. The brisk cool air bit at her
through her light jacket. She smiled. The cold was so refreshing, of course,
until it got too cold to go outside... She followed the narrow cow path and ran
her fingers along the cool granite face to her right, humming. She rounded a
curve, spotting Rinoa's figure in the distance. She almost shouted out, and
then held herself in reserve, just to watch for a moment. All she could see was
Rinoa's back, her dark hair alive in the wind, and the white wings stood out on
her blue duster. She sat, her feet hanging off the edge of the cliff, her head
bowed. Rinoa reached to her right, grabbing a rock and with a quick movement,
flung it into the air, and watched it tumble down. She then stood, and
stretched, standing dangerously close to the edge. She flung her arms out,
spread her hands, and then turned quickly, noticing Selphie.
"What are you doing here?" She
demanded, startled by Selphie's unknown presence. Selphie shrugged and skipped
towards her.
"Just came a look'n for ya... What
were you doing?"
"Ummm.... Nothing... just
thinking..." Selphie bounced on her toes.
"'Bout what?" Rinoa shook here
head, and walked past Selphie, back down the path, smiling.
"'Bout Squall...." Rinoa said,
mimicking Selphie's speech pattern. Selphie bounded after her. She caught up to
her friend, and walked by her side.
"And...?" Selphie asked.
"And what?" Rinoa continued walking.
"And...why were you thinking 'bout
him?"
"Why would I not?" She replied.
Selphie sighed loudly in frustration.
"Fine then!! I was just trying to
make conversation!" Rinoa giggled at her friend's frustration.
"I was just thinking about what he
means to me." She paused, thinking. "About the fact that he would die
for me..." She shivered, holding herself. "I love that about him, yet
I hate it. He's too important to too many people to think that way. I just wish
he'd think about all the other people who love him too." Selphie was
quiet, not quite knowing what to say. Would Irvine die for me? She
wondered. She grit her teeth in irritation. Probably not... too many other
pretty girls out there for him to waste his life on just one...He'd definitely
think of all the other people first!
"You are so lucky though!"
Selphie exclaimed. "I'm not a romantic or anything, but Irvine would think
of all the other pretty girls who would lose him before he thought of risking
his life for me!" Rinoa couldn't help but laugh.
"That's not true... Irvine would do
anything for you, I'm sure!" She giggled. "He's just...just
Irvine." She ran her hands through her hair. "He just tries to not to
look too attached. It's that whole male ego thing," Selphie giggled.
"I guess... Grrr..." she
clenched her hands into fists, "he is just so irritating!" They
walked down the little cow path in good humor, joking with one another about
Irvine's antics. The sun was setting low in the sky behind them, and gray
clouds were building up on the horizon. They were nearly back to the Garden
when Selphie caught a glimpse of movement in the clouds. She squealed with
delight and bolted down the path, Rinoa trailing after.
The small craft landed, and the hatch
slowly opened. Irvine couldn't wait for the steps to finish lowering to the
ground. He leapt from the airship and ran to scoop Selphie up. He spun her
around in his arms with a big grin, loosing his hat. Rinoa smiled, and leaned
against a tree, watching them. Quistis came running from the garden, her tasks
forgotten, to greet her friends. It was an unexpected visit. Zell sauntered out
of the craft next, stretching and looking around sleepily. Rinoa watched from a
distance as the four friends hugged and chatted. Finally Squall appeared,
checking the craft over. It had been a gift from Laguna, and he took great
pride in it. It was small, but swift and convenient...and he was still
pondering over a name for it. As he approached the group, all heads turned
towards him. Rinoa sighed, and backed further behind the tree. His eyes
searched the area before he acknowledged his waiting friends.
"Where's Rinoa?" He asked before
being assaulted with cheerful questions regarding Balamb.
"She was just with me." Selphie
answered, turning to look for the other girl. She shook her head. "Maybe
she didn't see the airship..."
~end*flashback~
A nurse slowly opened the door, and
grinned widely when she saw Selphie sitting in Squall's usual place. "You
on guard duty today?" Selphie smiled and nodded, pulling off her headphones.
"Yup!"
"So how's sleeping beauty?" She
asked.
"Sleeping..." Selphie replied in
mild irritation. The nurse laughed.
"Well, good. No nightmares or
anything?" Selphie shook her head. The nurse leaned closer to Selphie.
"Does your being here mean that Mr. Sunshine is finally getting some
sleep?" Selphie giggled.
"I hope so... He's been quite
delightful lately, hasn't he?" She nurse moaned, rolling her eyes.
"Oh yes... Just as cheerful as can
be!" her words dripped with sarcasm.
* * * *
Squall awoke from yet another disturbing
dream about Rinoa and the voices. He rolled out of bed and jumped to his feet.
He ran his hands through his hair, making sure that he didn't look completely
unpresentable, and headed to the door, nearly tripping over Angelo for the
umpteenth time. He let the dog out to follow him to the second floor. It was
just about the usual time for his friends to be congregating in their favorite
lounge for the evening.
"Quistis, Zell!" He said as he
strode through the door. The two blonds looked up from their conversation.
Irvine handed Squall a drink, and he waved it away. "I've got a mission
for you two, and you're going to take Selphie along to pilot the Ragnarok. I
want you to find Ellone..." Quistis smiled.
"You mind giving us a reason?"
She asked sweetly. "After all, this doesn't exactly sound like Garden
business, so it would probably be a favor... and I don't know if I'd be willing
to just drop my duties for some whim of yours to pay a visit to a
friend.."
"Dreams... I think she's sending me
dreams again." He answered curtly. "I want to know what she's trying
to tell me!"
"Well... we'll get right on it in the
morning." She replied. "Now why don't you join us and relax for a
bit?"
"Yeah, man! It can't be healthy to be
that uptight all the time!" Zell added. "A drink or two will do you
some good!" Squall ignored Zell's comment. Zell seemed all too content to
drown his troubles. It had become a habit of his, but hadn't gotten out of
hand, so no one really paid it any mind. If anything, he actually got quieter
when drinking.
"Is someone with Rinoa?" He
asked, distracted. Quistis grinned.
"Yes, poor Selphie is still sitting
there, doing her best to sit still. Now SIT DOWN!" She ordered. Irvine chuckled
and Squall reluctantly found a seat. She reached across the table and patted
his hand, in her motherly way. "I promise... everyone is doing all they
can. But our patience is not going to last if you keep barking orders to get
your way." Squall sighed. She was right... as usual. He knew he was being
demanding and selfish. He was used to taking matters into his own hands. It was
frustrating to know that he had to rely on other people since his duties tied
him down. Irvine placed a drink in his hand and elbowed him in the ribs.
"Quisty will take care of it. Now
drink, and try to relax! For once Zell is right!"
"Hey! What's that supposed to
mean?" Zell bellowed. Quistis giggled and looked into her drink, and
Squall absently picked up the glass of amber fluid. It was the same color as
the flecks in Rinoa's eyes. He smiled inwardly. Little flecks of amber brown in
those dark eyes...
The Depths of Your Eyes
Deep
brown eyes
Shimmering
pools of amber
Enticing
depths of gold and brown
The
waters are warm
They
call me to bathe
To
be held in their warmth
The
waters are sweet
They
call me to drink
To
be nourished by their strength
I'll
only wet my feet
Only
take a sip
Just
a touch
Just
a taste
In
I fell
The
edge dropped off
And
in those sweet depths I drown
Had
I known
Would
I have still stepped in
To
be swallowed
By
those eyes of amber brown?
(Author's
note: I thought this poem fit in here nicely, though I doubt that Squall would
actually sit down and write a poem like this. I guess this would be what he is
thinking...)
* * * *
"you know what you need to
do...Rinoa...aren't you angry?... all that power... wouldn't it be
nice...rage... no one in the world is as strong now...blood... just do it...just
a little...all that anger... all that power... Rinoa...you like battle...you're
so strong...hate... all that power...you like the blood...power at you
fingertips...rage... taste the power... just a little...it would feel so
good... just let it out... betrayal...Rinoa... you are all you need... just
you... all that power...do it for us... do it for you...us...rage...
betrayal... hate...blood..."
Rinoa awoke painfully, emotionally and
physically. She gasped for air and tried to sit up. She felt like she was
drowning. Her hands searched wildly for something to grasp. She clutched the
sides of the bed and concentrated on breathing. Someone was at her side,
talking to her. She couldn't hear them. All she could hear was the racing of
her heart and the voices...the angry, eerie, voices.
Selphie watched Rinoa worriedly, and
called a nurse. She had been told that the nightmares had become a regular
occurrence, but hadn't seen Rinoa's reaction to one until now. As soon as the
nurse was in the room, doing what she could, Selphie ran to find Squall. She
couldn't stand to see her friend in that condition, but she felt helpless to do
anything. She had called Squall's room, and there was no answer, so she went up
to the lounge. Irvine might know where he was...
She danced nervously in the elevator and
bolted through the doors when they opened. A startled Squall caught her as she
collided with him. She looked up at him, her eyes wide, not quite knowing what
to say at first. He knew instantly what her arrival meant, and went to the
elevator. He turned as he pressed the buttons. "Nightmare?" Selphie
nodded. The elevator doors closed.
Squall found himself in the medical center
once again, trying to comfort a distraught Rinoa. He'd gotten there just in
time to keep the nurse from giving her a tranquilizer. It irritated him how
willing they were to give her drugs. At least now she would be conscious enough
to tell him what the dream was about. She clutched his shirt, pulling him down
to her, her eyes wild. "They want me to do terrible things!" she
whispered, searching his face.
"Who are they?" he asked gently,
trying to dislodge her hands from his shirt, still leaning close.
"I don't know! I don't know. I don't
know. I don't know..." She muttered to herself, she let go of him, rubbing
her arms furiously. He tried to still her.
"Shhh.... Just try and calm
yourself..." he held her hands and she slowly stopped struggling.
"Quistis is going to find Ellone
tomorrow. I think she might be able to help." Rinoa leaned back, relaxing
visibly. She looked much better than she had. The past couple of days had
healed most her wounds, but the voices and nightmares were disturbing her more
and more frequently. The doctors had her on constant supervision, and Squall
knew that they were beginning to think that she was insane. He shuddered at the
thought. There was an explanation to her madness. They just had to find it.
"I'm sorry for all of this,
Squall." She whispered, looking intently into his eyes. The Rinoa that he
knew so well had returned. "Sometimes I wish I had never met you. I know
this has to be hurting you. I never want to hurt you...or anyone... That night,
after the Festival... I just wanted you to stop caring for me, so I could
disappear. I thought it would be better that way." She couldn't hold back
the tears any longer. "I could barely stand the look on your face after I
said that I didn't love you. I wanted to stop you... tell you I didn't mean
it..." She sobbed softly. He pulled her into his arms, letting her cry
into his shoulder.