Despite my misgivings, we--Steiner, Vivi, Eiko, Freya, Amarant, the members of Tantalus and anyone else who wished to attend--held a memorial service in honor of Zidane. There was no body, of course. There was merely a plain gray marker with his name on it. Everyone put something on the marker: flowers, trinkets, prayers. There was quite a turnout. Men, women, girls, and boys showed up at our makeshift cenotaph, looking wan and solemn. Some of the littler ones cried. Tantalus seemed to know most of them; Freya knew a few. Empty greetings and a few consolations were offered. Most of them were directed at me, along with the customary bow and a murmured "Your Highness." I simply smiled graciously at them.
Freya stayed by my side during the little ceremony we had. Baku spoke; I had never envisioned the man to have any eloquence in him, but he spoke plainly and, in a way, quite beautifully of the one he had raised. I knew it was a parent's special pain to go before a child, and though Zidane was not his real son, Baku considered each and every member of Tantalus his own flesh and blood. And Zidane had been his favorite out of a favored lot. My eyes teared up when he spoke of Zidane's childhood. Freya put her arm around me and I grasped her back, gratefully.
Blank, Marcus and Cinna also spoke a few words for their friend, but they were tense and uncomfortable and wanted to be in privacy to mourn with their brothers. Ruby tried to speak, but she choked up on her first words and was escorted to the side by Blank, where I could hear her muffled sobs throughout the rest of the ceremony. Eiko and Vivi came over to me then; they clutched my dress with their little hands, looking up at me wordlessly for comfort. I acquiesced, pulling them closer to me.
Finally, Uncle Cid stood in front of the crowd, Aunt Hilda at his side looking as beautiful as always. Uncle spoke sparingly, but his words were powerful; he was, after all, a regent, and a skilled politician. His words came from the heart, though. He and Baku were friends, and Uncle Cid knew that every member of Tantalus deserved a respect far better than what was usually given them; and Zidane deserved the most. He said that we would not be here now if not for Zidane, and our beautiful world would be gone. Zidane was a bridge between worlds, he said, and though most people didn't understand that, it was a lovely speech. When he was through, he laid down a single white rose at the marker and, taking Hilda's arm, pushed his way through the crowd to me.
It was the end of the ceremony. People began to move about, murmuring and hugging each other, offering comfort, some even laughing at fond memories. It made me feel the tiniest bit excluded, actually, being around so many people who had known Zidane for so long and so closely. I knew Zidane had felt something--what, exactly, I didn't know--for me, though, and that was enough to keep the tears out of my eyes.
"Garnet," Uncle said. The name felt unfamiliar now, hollow. But I squeezed in response when he grasped my arms. "You look radiant. Like a bride."
I smiled slightly at the simile. "A bride without her groom," I responded, and he winced; that had not been his intention. But there had been no barb in the remark. It was merely fact. "Don't worry, Uncle. Your speech was wonderful."
"Thank you," he said. "It was the least I could do. Are you planning to return to Alexandria now?"
"Of course she shall," said a familiar, impetutous voice. I didn't have to turn around to know that Steiner was on my right side, slightly behind me, and Beatrix on my left. Those two had been like hawks ever since Mikoto had determined that the Iifa Tree was impenetrable and Zidane and Kuja, more likely than not, were dead. Thinking of Mikoto made me wonder..... I had not seen her at the crowds. Did she feel any emotion for her lost brother? Or did she simply view his death as a necessary sacrifice? "She is the Queen of Alexandria. It is her duty to her people to restore her kingdom."
"Thank you, Steiner," I said, managing to keep my tone from being overly dry. "Yes, Uncle Cid, I shall be returning to Alexandria."
"The regency of Lindblum is behind you all the way," Uncle Cid said earnestly, and Aunt Hilda added, "Yes, we shall do all we can to see that your kingdom is restored to its proper glory."
"Uncle Cid...." Their reassurances warmed me, and I leaned forward to hug them, burying my face in Cid's chest. He was the closest thing I had to a father, and I felt secure in his embrace. "Thank you," I said softly. "Thank you so much."
"It is our pleasure," Aunt Hilda said, and looked down at Eiko, who was staring at her with frank curiosity. "This is the summoner girl, correct?" she asked, and Eiko lifted her chin.
"My name's Eiko!" she declared. "E-i-ko."
Aunt Hilda put her hand to her chest. "Oh, excuse me," she said, her eyes twinkling. "Miss Eiko. That was unforgivably rude of me. And this is the mage, Vivi, correct?"
Vivi hunched into himself a little and tugged on his hat. "Y-yes," he stammered.
"Such sweet children," Aunt Hilda said. "Are you going to take them with you, Garnet?"
I hesitated. Truth be told, I hadn't actually thought of that. So much had happened....
"I can take care of myself," Eiko said, insulted. "I have to get back to the moogles in Madain Sari. Even though Mog isn't there anymore...." I squeezed her shoulder, but she shrugged me off, looking annoyed.
Aunt Hilda looked at Uncle Cid, who nodded affirmation. "She does live in Madain Sari, the village of the summoners," he confirmed.
"But.... I thought that village was deserted?" Aunt Hilda said uncertainly.
"It's not deserted!" Eiko declared. "I live there with the moogles!"
"All alone?" Aunt Hilda sounded horrified.
"With the moogles," Eiko said as if speaking to someone of less than significant intelligence. I hid my smile behind my hand.
Aunt Hilda turned to her husband, looking about a minute away from slapping him--or worse, turning him into an Oglop. "Cid Fabool!" she said, her voice rising a bit so that people's heads turned our way. "If you think that I intend to leave this girl alone, you are sadly mistaken!" She turned to Eiko, her face softening, and it made me wonder why they had never had any children. Well.... with Uncle Cid's womanizing ways, actually, it wasn't too hard to imagine why. "Miss Eiko," she said kindly, "would you like to stay with me and Regent Cid, here in Lindblum?"
Eiko cast me an uncertain glance, and I smiled and shrugged at her, almost unconsciously mimicking Zidane's mannerisms. "With.... you?" she faltered. "Why would you take me?"
"Why, because we want you, of course," Aunt Hilda said. "What do you think? You'll be allowed to bring your moogles along, of course. And you'll receive the best education, and--"
"Of course!" I had never heard Eiko happier. She ran to Aunt Hilda and wrapped her arms around her, then gave her a sweet smile. She hadn't smiled since that day at the Iifa Tree. "Dagger, I get to stay with them," she said, craning her neck to look at me. "You don't mind, do you?"
"Of course not," I smiled, clasping my hands in front of me. I looked at Vivi. "What about you, Vivi?"
"Vivi, come with us," Eiko said imperiously. Aunt Hilda smiled at me.
"Well...." Vivi scuffed his foot on the ground. "Actually....." He looked up shyly. "I was thinking of going back to the Black Mage village. I can learn more about the Black Mages.... and about the Genomes...." He glanced at me.
I smiled, even though my heart constricted painfully. "You can all live together," I said. "You can even be friends with Zidane's sister, right, Vivi?"
"Right," he said, sounding happy. "I want to make the best use of my time before I.... before I 'stop.' Zidane taught me so many things, I can't just waste them!"
"Well said, Master Vivi," Steiner applauded. "You are truly maturing! Some day, you may become a great scholar just like your grandfather!"
Vivi tugged on his hat shyly. "Yeah..... M-maybe I will!"
I turned to Freya, who had been silently looking out at the city of Lindblum during the whole conversation. "What about you, Freya?" I asked. "Shall you be returning to Burmecia?"
She looked at me, and hesitated before speaking. "Yes...." she said slowly. "My duty is, first and foremost to my country. But Zidane taught me to live life to the fullest.... he was teaching me this since the day I first met him. I shall seek out Sir Fratley, and we shall rebuild Burmecia together."
"There is so much rebuilding to be done...." I said softly. "But we can do it."
"Of course we can!" Eiko said. "After all we did to save this world, if anybody thinks we're just going to sit back and let it rot, they're dead wrong!"
Beatrix laughed from behind me, a sound I had rarely heard from her. "Sometimes it seems that children are the most eloquent of all," she said.
I turned to her and arched my eyebrow. "What about you?" I asked, indicating Steiner coyly. "Any plans for marriage, children, in your near future?"
She started and flushed. Steiner blushed as well. "I... I don't know what you mean, Your Highness," she said. "I shall be returning with you, of course."
I smiled only when I turned back to Uncle Cid and Aunt Hilda, who winked at me. "Such devoted bodyguards, Garnet...." Uncle Cid said. "You should be safe returning to Alexandria."
"Yes..... I have always been safe," I said.
"Hey, Rusty!" I had not been around the Tantalus members for all that long, but I knew Blank's voice; he was as manners-be-damned as Zidane was. And indeed, Blank, Marcus, Cinna, Baku, and Ruby emerged from the crowd. Ruby was supported gently by Marcus; she had stopped crying, but there were telltale streaks on her face.
Baku went to Uncle Cid and the two began chatting. Blank and the others stopped in front of us. "What she meant was," Blank continued, smirking, "was that everyone knows you and the hot general are going to get hitched!"
"W--WHAT?" Steiner was outraged, flailing his hands. His armor clanked with an anger of its own. "What are you talking about, you--you--you mendicant?"
Blank rolled his eyes. "Hey, Your Highness," he said, looking at me. Well, at least he turned in my direction. That odd contraption he wore over his eyes was a bit unnerving, but I imagined he had a good reason for it. "Going back to Alexandria, huh?"
"Yes, I am," I replied. "And what of you?"
"We go where the boss goes," Marcus put in, and Blank and Cinna nodded.
"It's going to be boring without Zidane," Cinna said wistfully.
Ruby made a sound halfway between a snort and a sob, and Blank hit Cinna on the shoulder.
"Ow!"
"You are correct, of course," I said. "It shall.... never be quite the same, I'm afraid." Already, I missed the old ease of common language. I sounded like.... an instructional book on etiquette.
"Heh," Blank said. "At least he went out with a bang! Hey, Highness, we just wanted to say 'bye' before we go out into the world."
A goodbye was required, but I felt there ought to be something more. After all, without Tantalus, I would never have met Zidane. "Thank you for kidnapping me," I finally said, and smiled as genuinely as I could manage.
They all smiled back, even Ruby. "Anytime," Blank said, and with a wave, he and the others departed.
Baku was finished speaking to Cid, so I tapped him politely on the shoulder and, when he turned around, bowed to him--a high honor. "Thank you," I said, not sure what else to say.
He looked a little surprised. Then he grinned, put his hand behind his head, and sneezed--loudly. "Hey--it's our job," he said. "Don'tcha go thanking me."
"Even so....."
"Yeah," he shrugged. His expression softened a fraction. "He was really hung up on you, you know," he said, shaking his head. "Scared the hell out of me, mopin' around after you became Queen. So..... he might have even loved you." He crossed his arms. "'Course, I don't deign to have ever known what went on in that monkey-head of his, ya know?"
"Yes," I replied, not trusting myself to speak any more. I swallowed back tears. "Thank you."
Baku patted my shoulder, then waved goodbye to Cid and disappeared into the crowd after his cohorts.
Hours later, we all went our separate ways. Amarant had disappeared earlier, silent and arrogant as always. Freya departed on a separate ship, her back to ous, her dragoon coat waving in the wind, a noble vision, and Vivi was with her, waving to us almost cheerfully. Eiko cried at his departure. She and I had our own goodbye, while Uncle Cid and Aunt Hilda waited patiently.
"Don't forget me," she said as I crouched down eye-level to her, her childish face serious. "You and I are almost sisters, right?"
"We are sisters," I corrected, hugging her. "I could never forget you, Eiko. You have taught me so much about myself."
"Thanks, Dagger," she said, leaning away from my embrace. She smiled uncertainly. "You've still got my pendants, right? I've got yours."
"I will cherish them," I vowed solemnly. I stood up and brushed dust from my white gown. "I shall see you, Eiko. Don't forget me, either."
"I won't!" Eiko promised fervently, flashing me a bright smile. "You were a good love rival!"
I smiled and nodded to Uncle Cid and Aunt Helga. "Thank you," I said. The words were trite, but they were all I could offer.
"Take care, Garnet," Uncle Cid said kindly.
Steiner and Beatrix waited for me at the airship. Beatrix was lounging on the ropes, staring at the ground below; she straightened when I approached, and they both saluted me sharply. I smiled wanly at them and stepped onto the airship, going to the railing so that I could see Eiko and Uncle Cid and Aunt Hilda. The wind ruffled my short hair as the airship began its departure.
"Goodbye, Dagger!" Eiko shouted to me. She jumped up and down, waving frantically. I thought I saw tears falling from her face, but maybe they were just mine.
"Goodbye!" I called out. "Goodbye, Eiko! Take care!" My vision blurred, and the wind caught my tears and blew them away as the airship pulled out of Lindblum Harbor, leaving behind the only friends and family I had left.
The restoration of Alexandria was a long, arduous process. The castle was repaired first, of course, though I wished it otherwise, and within weeks I was back living in it. My primary concern was the shelter and feeding of the refugees; some were injured, and had to be cared for. I spent most of my time overseeing the building process, signing papers, passing declarations, and trying to be strong for my people. I had failed them once and I would not fail them again.
But there were those rare moments when I had time to myself, and it was in those moments that memories haunted me without rest. I would venture out to the balcony of my room and lean on the railing, letting the wind cool and caress me, staring out at my ruined city. I couldn't bring myself to sing my song; that brought back his face most clearly, his features almost glowing in the sun, and his blond hair forming a halo around his open, honest face. Where once it had comforted me, now it was a painful reminder of what I had lost.
Beatrix tried to talk to me about Zidane once or twice, but she quickly gave up, for I merely smiled and assured her that I felt fine. And I did feel fine, most of the time. It was only when I was alone.... and at night, when I dreamt of him and woke up sobbing because it was only a dream, when his hands on my shoulders and his voice in my ears had felt so real.
He haunted me more than even my mother did. It was him I longed for, him whose touch I dreamt of, and there wasn't even a body, so I entertained fantasies of him being alive, and returning to me someday..... womanizing ways, tail and all.
But days turned to weeks, and weeks turned to months, and months turned to a year. My hair grew to a little past my shoulders; now that I was no longer free, I could no longer keep it short. Alexandria was making progress. Its people was beginning to return, and the wind no longer echoed hollowly about its ravaged streets. The sound of laughter and children in the streets returned.
I was seventeen now, and my ministers began speaking of marriage. They wondered why I refused so adamantly, wondered why, for all their careful and convincing arguments, I would not stray from my decision. They said I must provide an heir to the throne; I returned that one would come in due time, and when I felt it was right, not when they felt it was right. It was Beatrix who put them in their place, reminding them sharply that I was Queen and my word law. They were petulant, but the issue was dropped, and I returned to dreaming of him in peace.
Sometimes I looked in the mirror and wondered how only a year could have passed. Surely it was five, or ten. Not that I was aging visibly; my features were still perfect, no evidence of my strain visible on my face. But I looked into my eyes and saw the weight of the world reflected in them. And I saw the grief that I never fully let go of shining in their depths.
Garnet, you must let go of the past, I told myself daily. After Mother lost Father, she moved on. You must forget him! But when I told myself this, it only made me ache for him more. When it began to intrude on my duties, I knew it was time to do something about it.
"I wish to visit the Iifa Tree," I told Beatrix and Steiner. The three of us were alone in my bedroom; I was sitting on my bed, and they stood ramrod straight in front of me.
"Highness!" Steiner protested instantly. "You cannot! Who knows what may be lurking there--"
"Steiner," I interrupted patiently, "you know that there have been no monsters there since a year ago. Zidane, whatever he did, made that tree the ultimate protection for Gaia, and I have to thank him for it."
Steiner sagged visibly. "Highness," he said again, but his tone was weaker. "I simply cannot condone this."
I nodded. I had expected as much. "I do not care whether or not you condone it, Steiner," I said firmly. "This is something I must do. But..... I would prefer your approval."
"We shall accompany you, of course," Beatrix said. That was her own way of saying she understood. Unfortunately, I couldn't acquiesce.
"You shall accompany me on the ride there," I said, "but I must go to the tree alone."
Steiner's jaw dropped, and even Beatrix looked startled. The knight opened his mouth, revving up for a diatribe, but I held up my hand.
"Please, Steiner. Whether or not you like it, you must do as I say. I will simply not hear any more of your empty protests. My mind is made up. Steiner, Beatrix, you are dismissed."
They straightened instantly and slapped their fists to their chests, and filed out of the room in doleful silence. I smiled wistfully at their retreating backs. Sometimes I wished they were so concerned because I was me, and not the Queen of Alexandria.
Such was the life of a queen, however.
The airship ride to the Iifa Tree was spent mostly in silence; Beatrix and Steiner were ignoring me. It was childhish behavior, but I understood that it was all they had. I had forbidden them to complain. Now I rather regretted it.
So I stood out on the deck by myself, hands on the railing, staring at the Iifa Tree as we came closer and closer to it. It was more beautiful than I had remembered; free of Mist, it seemed prouder and stronger, and beckoned to me rather than filling me with dread.
The captain landed a short distance away from it, as I had specified. Steiner and Beatrix watched from the deck as I began the trek to the tree, as did their Knights of Pluto and Beatrix's division. I felt their eyes on me all the way, even when I was out of their sight.
It was a harder journey than it had been last time, but I had grown lax in my training. My breathing was heavy when I came to the colossal roots and paused, taking deep breaths which served both to even my breathing and prepare me mentally. I did not expect to be allowed entrance into the tree, but just going up there would be taxing enough on my mental state. Hopefully, it would be cathartic as well.
By the time I got to the top of the tree, the sun was beginning to set, and the winds were cooling. I sat down on the roots and merely stared up at the tree. At Zidane's final resting place.
"I did not expect to see anyone else here."
I jumped, and my heart tried to leap out of my throat. I turned around, scrambling to my feet and wishing I had brought a weapon. When I saw who the speaker was, I sagged with relief.
"Mikoto!"
"Queen Garnet," the Genome acknowledged, stepping over to me. Her face was cool, her eyes inscrutable, her tail waving lazily. She stood and stared up at the tree, even in silence and stillness possessing the perfect grace that no one but a Genome could have. She still wore her Terran clothing, and she hadn't aged a bit. "I did not expect visitors, but I should have."
I calmed my breathing and turned to look up at the tree, as well. "Why is that?" I asked, proud that my voice didn't tremble at all.
She cast me a sidelong glance, the corners of her mouth turning up ever so slightly. "It is the anniversary of their death, of course," she said.
Their.... death. Oh, of course. I had only thought of Zidane, but she thought of both her brothers. I asked myself the same questions I had a year ago. What did she feel for them? Did she feel anything for them? Or had Garland created the perfect, emotionless specimen he had so wanted? "I didn't remember that," I replied. "I only felt.... drawn to this. I have not been myself lately."
"I see." Mikoto crouched down and touched her palm to one of the huge roots. "The tree is so peaceful," she said quietly. "It pulses with contentment. It is pleased that it is free from the cycle of souls." She straightened and turned to look at me. "But you are not free," she said. "His soul haunts you."
I swallowed convulsively. "Am I so transparent?" I whispered.
She laughed, a sound I had never heard from her. She almost sounded like Zidane. "Perhaps," she said. "Perhaps not. Perhaps I could see the feelings he had for you, and hoped that you returned them." Her gaze turned piercing. "Did you?"
"Do you care?" I countered.
She went quiet for a moment before saying, "The realm of human emotions is still.... unfamiliar to me, to say the least. But I think I do. He was.... like me."
"I think I loved him," I said honestly. Tears sprang to my eyes. "I can't forget him."
Mikoto nodded. "You are in pain," she said. "I have learned the concept of pain. When I placed my hand on one of the Black Mages' stove, it pained me so that I quickly took my hand away. But you do not jerk away. You embrace your pain, bring it closer to you. It is quite peculiar."
"I do not embrace it."
"His spirit is not haunting you, 'Dagger,'" she said. "You are merely haunting yourself."
I turned away, frustrated. "You didn't come to the funeral," I said, changing the subject.
"What is a funeral? Merely an empty ceremony, designed for the comfort of the bereaved. I had no intention of attending such a vapid event."
I shot her an angry glance. "Did you ever visit his grave?" I said. "Did you ever wonder how he felt during his last dying moments, what he thought of? Did you pray that his spirit would find rest? If you say no, then you cannot judge me. Because I am human."
I saw her face change, then. She looked... hurt. "I merely said I did not wish to attend his funeral," she said. "I did visit his grave. Though technically it is not a grave. I did not think of how he felt in his last moments, because I know. A dying Genome is calm and accepting of his fate. And I did not offer a prayer for his spirit, because I had faith that it would make it to... wherever spirits go." She fell silent.
"You..... visited his grave?"
She nodded, and her tail twitched. "I...." She looked up at the tree. "I left something. It was pointless--he shall never see it--but it... felt right."
"What did you leave?" I asked softly.
"I left your hair." At my blank look, Mikoto expounded. "After you cut your hair, he gathered up the rest and tied it into a braid. He gave it to me when he left me at the Black Mages' Village. He said he wanted me to have the thing that was most dear to him. It is not mine.... so I gave it back to him. As I said, it was pointless, but....." She shrugged eloquently.
Tears hovered on my eyelashes. Zidane..... "He... said that?" What was most dear to him couldn't possibly be something so.... so inconsequential as my cast-off hair!
"Humans are peculiar creatures," Mikoto said. "They... we... value in the smallest things. But that was merely a physical manifestation of his feelings. Do not doubt my brother."
It was the first time I'd heard her refer to him as such.
"The day grows old," she continued. "You should be getting back to your ship."
I fumbled, hopelessly lost in this conversation. "But--I haven't even--I mean, I haven't even said goodbye to him--I--"
"You do not need to," she interrupted. "He knows already." She ran her hand over the roots again, almost lovingly. "It is here, in this tree, that he speaks of his love for you." She looked up at me through thick, tousled blonde bangs, so reminiscent of him. "You no longer need to worry. He shall wait for you, no matter how long it might take. You must return to your kingdom now."
Hearing her words gave me a strange sense of peace. "What will you do?" I asked.
"I am still trying to learn how to be 'human,'" she responded. "I fear it might take me a long time." She smiled ever so slightly. "Do you wish to have a moment alone?"
I looked at the tree, and fancied, for a moment, that I could feel some of the peacefulness that Mikoto said she sensed. I bent down on one knee, pressed my fingers to my lips, and laid them gently down on the roots. Then I stood up. "No," I said quietly. "This was all I needed." Tears welled again in my eyes, but this time, I allowed them to fall.
"You have never mourned properly," Mikoto noted. "I find grieving to be an inconvenient and somewhat foolish process; nonetheless, it is necessary."
I could only nod, wiping my face hastily with my hands. The wind kissed the moisture on my cheeks and made me shiver. "Thank you, Mikoto."
She shrugged. "You will be going now." It was a statement, not a question, so I nodded.
"I shall. Will I see you again?"
"I do not suppose so," she said mysteriously. "So, goodbye, Queen Garnet. You taught my brother many things. Thank you for teaching me something, also." She extended her hand to me.
I clasped it, trying to convey the depth of emotion I was feeling. "I haven't helped you at all," I said sincerely. "Thank you. And, Mikoto...."
"Yes?"
"Perhaps your esoteric answers may have helped me, but you should probably work on not sounding so confusing." I smiled at her.
She blinked at me, then smiled slowly back. It was only a slight pulling back of her lips from her mouth, but it was more than I had ever seen from her. "I shall try." Giving me a slight bow, she pulled her hand from mine and turned her back to me so that I could see her tail lashing, and walked away gracefully, her figure silhouetted by the stars.
I stared after her a bit longer, then turned to the tree, its roots the only barrier between me and Zidane.
"Goodbye," I whispered to it, caressing the roots with my hand. "Goodbye, Zidane. I may be a while....
"But please wait for me."
I turned and began my journey down the roots of the Iifa Tree.
Mikoto stopped only when she was sure that she was out of sight of the queen, and turned around to smile at the tree. "It is nearly time for your awakening," she murmured. "Peace is not the only thing I hear in the hum of the tree."
The wind howled as if in agreement, and dancing on its cold edges was gentle, knowing laughter.
"I shall see you soon, brothers."
Author's Notes:
*sighs in fulfillment* This fic came out of nowhere. I was getting antsy waiting for my FFIX soundtrack (dammit, it still hasn't come!), and with nothing else to do, sat down at my computer and began to type. And this is what came forth from the perpetual gushing of my creative spring. *sarcastically* The Mikoto/Garnet dialogue parts are a bit weak, I think.... Mikoto is just so weird. But I love her. Not just because she's Zidane's sister, either.
This is actually the second version of the fic. The first one's ending wasn't what I wanted, so I tweaked a few things and.... here it is. Have fun.
Keruri, January 21, 2001
1:38 a.m.
Revisions: January 22, 2001
2:03 p.m.
