Chapter II: San

Unlike Ashitaka, San had slept, but she had always kept one eye open as she was taught to do as a cub. Ashitaka had left her four nights ago, but she didn't feel anything for it. At least that's what she told and promised herself while she prowled the forest, eyeing the strange new animals which seemed to come into the forest in never-ending herds and flocks. The swamps and grottos San had always known were changing, every animal on the hunt and every blade of grass in the wind could feel it. So San assumed that these new feelings she had after she and Ashitaka had parted were all her small part in the change. She knew she had come close to being human, to leaving her home and returning to the land of her birth, but she didn't know how close. The loss and regret she felt were just the very tip of what Ashitaka had made her feel:… almost human. But nowAshitaka was gone just as Morro was gone, nothing could bring them back and San knew she might as well not think about it. Already San's wild knowledge had overcome her nearly human mind and she liked it better that way, with nothing more to think about than food and shelter. Ashitaka had turned everything in the forest upside down and San was finally returning to her old self, even if the rest of the world was still changing.
San blinked, the sun was rising and it hurt her sharpened eyes as she stood in the mouth of her cave and looked out over the forest. The sunrise made her think of Ashitaka, so she looked instead at the darkened trees. They rustled with the new and fearsome creatures which had come to live there, but the trees also made her think of Ashitaka. She turned to the river. Ashitaka. The mountains. Ashitaka. The barren walls of Irontown. Ashitaka was there… maybe she could go see him and… "Arg!" she growled, disgusted with herself for thinking these very unwolf-like thoughts. San turned sharply and crawled back into the empty cave, her brothers were out and Morro was gone. She shook her head furiously to get the thought of Ashitaka out of it, but he still clung there and she was annoyed with herself. "These are human thoughts!" she mused angrily, "I am a wolf! Not a human, a wolf! Wolves do not care about humans, or death, or what has passed. They care about each other and they care about now!" San emphasized this last part with a coarse bark and curled up in a miserable ball on the floor of her dark and lonesome cave.
Before the sun had even risen over the hills, however, San heard the sounds of her brothers' returning. "I am a wolf…" she repeated to herself before rising from her furs and facing them. Their faces were as long and pained with sorrow and mourning as those of any human, but their keen eyes glinted of the future and their breath spoke nothing of the past. "Sister," said Hatik, her brother with a gray back and the pointed ears, "We have news for you." His voice was ominous and San tensed: suspenseful, but ready. "There are changes in the forest, many more animals have come and we wolves are now sparse," continued Rajarok, San's brown-backed brother. San knew about the changes already, the lengthening of shadows in dark places, the failing of many young plants not ready to die, and she told them this without a word, as her eyes spoke for her. "San, you are our sister. Morro was your mother as she is ours. But…" "What?" yelped San impatiently, "What now?" Hatik glanced sadly at Rajarok before continuing, "You have to choose, San: Do you wish to be a wolf or do you wish to be a human? For long you have dawdled on the line in between, but now… now there is a choice." Without even thinking, the girl-wolf said, "A wolf! I am a wolf, not a human!" Hatik nodded and said, "Don't say that now, you must choose before the sun rises over the hills. Now go! Go wander in our land and choose wisely… sister." Both brothers lowered their heads to the ground as if to guide her out of the cave and she went.
The air tasted different and the rocks of the mountain felt odd beneath her feet, but San skillfully scaled the mountainside down into the forest valley as she had many times before. The grass was stiffer when she reached the ground and the trees no longer seemed to whisper above her as she walked. San was scared, unfamiliar in a place she had lived all her life. "Wolves are not scared," she said aloud, and the words fell dead on the silent air. "But humans are…" a small voice seemed to answer back. San stopped in a small glade, too terrified and too stricken to move, never before having heard the cruel sound of silence.She sobbed a breath, it clung raggedly to her throat and came out in small unconnected gasps. The only sound in the whole valley was that of San's sobs; the trees, the air, the water all held their breath and waited for the sun to reach the top of the mountains. The silence felt like it was suffocating her, closing in, shutting San off until finally she could take it no longer. "Aaaaaaaaaa!" she bellowed and ran yelling away into the unknown forest.
San tumbled over roots and rocks that hadn't been there before this morning and soon ran exhausted into a stream she didn't hear until she fell into it.
With this final humiliation, her sobbing increased until the waterfalls of the stream couldn't be heard over her crying. This woke all the creatures nearby which heard her and after not long, San heard a small voice in her ear. "Wolf-girl, not all changes are bad." She looked up to find a small yellow bird on a branch above her. "Hello, bird," she replied sullenly, "I know that but…" she sized the bird up and, trusting her, said "...but I'm not sure what to do." "Well you're getting your fur wet sitting in the stream, you had better decide quickly. The sun will rise soon and the change will be complete, you know that." San was a little taken aback and looked again at the bird. She had always thought small birds were stupid and mindless. A moment passed as San thought and then said, "You called me wolf-girl, little bird, but which am I? Wolf or girl?" San felt a little vulnerable, trusting her thoughts to the bird like this and was annoyed when the bird just laughed, "Hahaha… is that all?" The bird stopped and looked at her for a second, then resumed in a different tone, "What you are doesn't have to do with fur or claws or parentage, Princess Mononoke. You already know what it has to do with. You already know the answer to your question." She laughed again and San cocked her head and glanced at the bird before looking down. She loved Ashitaka, that was all she knew. But as she looked around her, San found that she also loved the grass, and the clouds, and the feel of cold water on her toes, and the scent of a rabbit on the wind. Yes, she loved Ashitaka and she loved the humans. But she loved being a wolf more than anything she could ever feel or touch. She loved who she was, who she had been, who she would be. Who she needed to be."I am a wolf," San said, looking at her human hands, and the sun rose.
To Be Continued…