Hyrulian Nights

Hyrulian Nights

Scene 8: You Ain't Never Had a Friend Like Me

(Cut to inside the Sacred Realm. Link lies unconscious on the Carpet. Navi tries to wake him.)

NAVI: Oh, oh. Link? Wake up. Link.

(Carpet rises up, lifting Link up. He awakes slowly.)

LINK: Oh, my head. (He looks at the entrance sealed in.) We're trapped. (Angry, shaking his fists at the entrance) That two-faced son-of-a-sow. (Calmer) Whoever he was, he's long gone with that Triforce.

NAVI: Aha!

(Navi pulls out the Triforce.)

LINK: Why, you flying little thief! Looks like such a beat-up, worthless piece of junk. Hey, I think here's something written here, but it's hard to make out.

(He rubs the Triforce. Suddenly smoke comes out the hole, the Triforce begins to shake and glow, but Link holds onto the Triforce, and Farore the goddess comes out.)

FARORE: Aaaaahhhhh! Oy! Ten thousand years will give ya such a crick in the neck! (She hangs Link on a nearby rock. Then she pulls her head off and spins it around, yelling as she does so. Carpet pulls Link down.) Whoa! Does it feel good to be outta there! (Farore magically creates a microphone.) Nice to be back, ladies and gentlemen. Hi, where ya from? (Sticks the microphone in Link's face.) What's your name?

LINK: Uh, Li... uh... Link.

FARORE: (Says his name as if she's amazed) Link! (A neon sign lights up with Link's name on it, circled by chase lights. The sign changes to reflect Farore's upcoming line.) Hello Link. Nice to have you on the show. Can we call you 'Lin'? Or maybe just 'Ink'? Or how about 'Linky'? (Farore disappears, then a pile of chains appears on the ground.) Sounds like you're the missing link to this thing.

LINK: (Shaking his head) I must have hit my head harder than I thought.

FARORE: (Still in chains) Do you smoke? Mind if I do? (Poofs into smoke, then back to herself. Navi jingles wildly.) Oh, sorry Cheetah... hope I didn't singe the fur! Hey, Rug man! Haven't seen you in a few millennia! Slap me some tassel! Yo! Yeah! (Carpet flies over and high-fives with Farore. Farore looks at Link.) Say, you're a lot smaller than my last master. Either that or I'm getting bigger. Look at me from the side, do I look fat to you?

LINK: Wait a minute! I'm... your master?

FARORE: (Slaps a diploma in Link's hand and a mortarboard on his head.) That's right! He can be taught!! What would you wish of me, (as Arnold Schwarzenegger) the ever-impressive, (inside a cube) the long-contained, (as a ventriloquist with a dummy) often imitated, (tosses the dummy aside) but never duplicated...

(She multiplies into multiple Farores who surround her.)

DUPLICATE FARORES: Duplicated, duplicated, duplicated, duplicated, duplicated, duplicated, duplicated, duplicated, duplicated.

FARORE: (Says it like a ring announcer at a boxing match) Goddess! Of! The Triforce! (Goes into Ed Sullivan) Right here for your enjoyment wish fulfillment. Thank youuuuu!

LINK: Whoa! Wish fulfillment?

FARORE: Three wishes to be exact. And ix-nay on the wishing for more wishes. (Turns into a slot machine, arm pulls down and three Farores appear in the windows.) That's it... three. (Three Farore caballeros come out of the slot.) Uno, dos, tres. (Changes into black-and-white Groucho Marx.) No substitutions, exchanges, or refunds. (The duck drops with the secret word 'refunds.')

LINK: (to Navi) Now I know I'm dreaming.

FARORE: (Music for song begins) Master, I don't think you quite realize what you've got here! So why don't you just ruminate, whilst I illuminate the possibilities. (Farore lights up like a fluorescent light and starts singing.)

(Farore produces 40 thieves who surround Link with swords. She appears in his vest, then sticks her arms out and boxes the thieves into submission.)

Well Nabooru had them forty thieves.

And Rauru had a thousand tales.

But master you in luck 'cause up your sleeve

You got a brand of magic never fails!

(Boxing ring appears, Link in the corner, being massaged by Farore. Then Farore turns into a pile of fireworks and explodes. Then Farore appears inside the Triforce and hand and rubs the Triforce with it.)

You got some power in your corner now

Some heavy ammunition on your horse

You got some punch, pizzazz, yahoo and how

See all you gotta do is rub the Triforce

And I'll say

(Farore produces a table and chairs, then writes down things on a notepad, like a waitress.)

Oh Mister Link, my sir

What will your pleasure be?

Let me take your order, jot it down.

You ain't never had a friend like me.

No, no, no!

(Farore appears as a plate of cucco, then returns to normal, but enlarges her ear to listen to Link. Finally, she explodes into four duplicate Farores.)

Life is your restaurant

And I'm your maitre' d!

C'mon whisper what it is you want

You ain't never had a friend like me.

(The Farores give him a shave, haircut, and manicure, then Link appears in a comfy chair surrounded by the treasure and being fanned by women. Farore appears and fills the screen with baklava.)

Yes sir, we pride ourselves on service

You're the boss, the king, the shah!

Say what you wish, it's yours! True dish

How about a little more Baklava?

(Link ruses up on a column of foot with a giant 'A' on top, then jumps to another column with a 'B' on top. He falls off and is caught by a cushion held by Farore. She opens her mouth, and her tongue turns into a staircase. A miniature Farore dressed like a magician comes out.)

Try some of column 'A'

Try all of column 'B'

I'm in the mood to help you dude

You ain't never had a friend like me

(The miniature Farore does a little dance with Farore's two giant hands. At the end, they surround the miniature Farore and squish her into nothing.

Farore pulls off her head, duplicates it and then juggles them. She tosses them to Link, who juggles with one hand and spins one of the heads back onto Farore, who proceeds to try and pull herself out of a hat at his base. She spirals around and around until she turns into a white rabbit. The rabbit transforms into a purple dragon. The dragon breathes fire, which turns into three Gerudo harem girls, who dance around Link. Just as he begins to enjoy them, they disappear.)

Can your friends do this?

Do your friends do that?

Do your friends pull this out their little hat?

Can your friends go poof!

Well looky here

Can your friends go Abracadabra, let 'er rip

And then make the sucker disappear?

(Farore imitates what she is calling Link, then turns into a certificate which rolls up and surrounds Link. Farore pulls a list written in ancient Hylian out of Link's ear, which she uses to rub his behind like drying off after a shower.)

So don't you sit there slack-jawed, buggy-eyed

I'm here to answer all your midday prayers

You got me bona fide, certified

You got a goddess for a charge d' affairs!

I got a powerful urge to help you out

So what you wish I really want to know

You got a which that's three miles long, no doubt

So all you gotta do is rub like so, and oh!

(The dancing Gerudo harem girls reappear, and Link leans in to kiss one. She turns into Farore, who zaps four dancing elephants into existence. To the other direction, she zaps in four dancing camels, and a grand finale dancing number ensues. Navi grabs as much gold as she can, but Farore wraps everything up in a cyclone and zaps it away until they're all back in the realm.)

Oh Mister Link, my sir, have a wish or two or three

I'm on the job, you big nabob

You ain't never had a friend, never had a friend

You ain't never had a friend, never had a friend

You ain't never... had a... friend... like... me!

You ain't never had a friend like me!

(Farore has a neon "Applause" sign behind her. Navi suddenly realizes that all her treasure is gone.)

FARORE: So what'll it be, master?

LINK: You're gonna grant me any three wishes I want?

FARORE: (as William F. Buckley) Ah, almost. There are a few provisos, a couple of quid pro quos...

LINK: Like?

FARORE: Ah, rule number one: I can't kill anybody. (She slices her head off with her finger.) So don't ask. Rule two: I can't make anyone fall in love with anyone else. (Her head turns into a big pair of lips which kiss Link.) You little punim, there. (Lies flat, then gets up and transforms into a zombie.) Rule three: I can't bring people back from the dead. It's not a pretty picture, (She grabs Link and shakes him) I don't like doing it! (She poofs back to normal.) Other than that, you got it!

LINK: (Looks at Navi as if plotting) Ah, provisos? You mean limitations? On wishes? (To Navi) Some all-powerful goddess... can't even bring people back from the dead. I don't know, Navi... she probably can't even get us out of this cave. Looks like we're gonna have to find a way out of here...

(They start to leave, but a big foot stomps down in front of them.)

FARORE: Excuse me? Are you lookin' at me? Did you rub my Triforce? Did you wake me up, did you bring me here? And all of a sudden, you're walkin' out on me? (Gets madder and madder) I don't think so, not right now. You're gettin' your wishes, so siddown! (They all get on Carpet. Farore takes the form of a stewardess, with lots of arms pointing out the exits.) In case of emergency, the exits are here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, anywhere! Keep your hands and arms inside the carpet. We're... outta here!

(The Carpet and passengers fly out of the sand in the desert and off into the distance.)