Hyrulian
Nights
Scene
8: You Ain't Never Had a Friend Like Me
(Cut to inside the
Sacred Realm. Link lies unconscious on
the Carpet. Navi tries to wake him.)
NAVI: Oh, oh. Link? Wake up. Link.
(Carpet rises up, lifting Link up. He awakes slowly.)
LINK: Oh, my head. (He looks at the entrance sealed in.) We're trapped. (Angry, shaking his fists at the entrance) That two-faced son-of-a-sow. (Calmer) Whoever he was, he's long gone with that Triforce.
NAVI: Aha!
(Navi pulls out the Triforce.)
LINK: Why, you flying little thief! Looks like such a beat-up, worthless piece
of junk. Hey, I think here's something written
here, but it's hard to make out.
(He rubs the Triforce. Suddenly smoke comes out the hole, the Triforce begins to shake and
glow, but Link holds onto the Triforce, and Farore the goddess comes out.)
FARORE: Aaaaahhhhh! Oy! Ten thousand years will give
ya such a crick in the neck! (She
hangs Link on a nearby rock. Then she
pulls her head off and spins it around, yelling as she does so. Carpet pulls Link down.) Whoa! Does it feel good to be outta there! (Farore magically creates a microphone.) Nice to be back, ladies and gentlemen. Hi, where ya from? (Sticks the microphone in Link's face.) What's your name?
LINK: Uh, Li... uh... Link.
FARORE: (Says his name as if she's amazed) Link! (A neon sign lights up with Link's name on it, circled by chase
lights. The sign changes to reflect
Farore's upcoming line.) Hello
Link. Nice to have you on the
show. Can we call you 'Lin'? Or maybe just 'Ink'? Or how about 'Linky'? (Farore disappears, then a pile of chains
appears on the ground.) Sounds like
you're the missing link to this thing.
LINK: (Shaking his head) I must have hit my
head harder than I thought.
FARORE: (Still in chains) Do you smoke? Mind if I do? (Poofs
into smoke, then back to herself. Navi
jingles wildly.) Oh, sorry
Cheetah... hope I didn't singe the fur! Hey, Rug man! Haven't seen you
in a few millennia! Slap me some
tassel! Yo! Yeah! (Carpet flies
over and high-fives with Farore. Farore
looks at Link.) Say, you're a lot
smaller than my last master. Either
that or I'm getting bigger. Look at me
from the side, do I look fat to you?
LINK: Wait a minute! I'm... your master?
FARORE: (Slaps a diploma in Link's hand and a
mortarboard on his head.) That's
right! He can be taught!! What would you wish of me, (as Arnold
Schwarzenegger) the ever-impressive, (inside a cube) the
long-contained, (as a ventriloquist with
a dummy) often imitated, (tosses the
dummy aside) but never duplicated...
(She multiplies into multiple Farores who surround her.)
DUPLICATE
FARORES: Duplicated, duplicated, duplicated, duplicated, duplicated, duplicated,
duplicated, duplicated, duplicated.
FARORE: (Says it like a ring announcer at a
boxing match) Goddess! Of! The Triforce! (Goes into Ed
Sullivan) Right here for your enjoyment wish fulfillment. Thank youuuuu!
LINK: Whoa! Wish fulfillment?
FARORE: Three wishes to be exact. And ix-nay on the wishing for more
wishes. (Turns into a slot machine, arm pulls down and three Farores appear in
the windows.) That's it...
three. (Three Farore caballeros come out of the slot.) Uno,
dos, tres. (Changes into
black-and-white Groucho Marx.) No
substitutions, exchanges, or refunds. (The
duck drops with the secret word 'refunds.')
LINK: (to Navi) Now I know I'm dreaming.
FARORE: (Music for song begins) Master, I don't think you quite realize what
you've got here! So why don't you just
ruminate, whilst I illuminate the possibilities. (Farore lights up like a fluorescent light and starts
singing.)
(Farore produces 40 thieves who surround Link with
swords. She appears in his vest, then
sticks her arms out and boxes the thieves into submission.)
Well Nabooru had them forty
thieves.
And Rauru had a thousand tales.
But master you in luck 'cause up
your sleeve
You got a brand of magic never
fails!
(Boxing ring appears, Link in the corner, being massaged
by Farore. Then Farore turns into a
pile of fireworks and explodes. Then
Farore appears inside the Triforce and hand and rubs the Triforce with it.)
You got some power in your
corner now
Some heavy ammunition on your
horse
You got some punch, pizzazz,
yahoo and how
See all you gotta do is rub the
Triforce
And I'll say
(Farore produces a table and chairs, then writes down
things on a notepad, like a waitress.)
Oh Mister Link, my sir
What will your pleasure be?
Let me take your order, jot it
down.
You ain't never had a friend
like me.
No, no, no!
(Farore appears as a plate of cucco, then returns to
normal, but enlarges her ear to listen to Link. Finally, she explodes into four duplicate Farores.)
Life is your restaurant
And I'm your maitre' d!
C'mon whisper what it is you
want
You ain't never had a friend
like me.
(The Farores give him a shave, haircut, and manicure, then
Link appears in a comfy chair surrounded by the treasure and being fanned by
women. Farore appears and fills the
screen with baklava.)
Yes sir, we pride ourselves on
service
You're the boss, the king, the
shah!
Say what you wish, it's
yours! True dish
How about a little more Baklava?
(Link ruses up on a column of foot with a giant 'A' on
top, then jumps to another column with a 'B' on top. He falls off and is caught by a cushion held by Farore. She opens her mouth, and her tongue turns
into a staircase. A miniature Farore
dressed like a magician comes out.)
Try some of column 'A'
Try all of column 'B'
I'm in the mood to help you dude
You ain't never had a friend
like me
(The
miniature Farore does a little dance with Farore's
two giant hands. At the end, they
surround the miniature Farore and squish her into nothing.
Farore
pulls off her head, duplicates it and then juggles them. She tosses them to Link, who juggles with
one hand and spins one of the heads back onto Farore, who proceeds to try and
pull herself out of a hat at his base. She spirals around and around until she turns into a white rabbit. The rabbit transforms into a purple dragon. The dragon breathes fire, which turns into
three Gerudo harem girls, who dance around Link. Just as he begins to enjoy them, they disappear.)
Can your friends do this?
Do your friends do that?
Do your friends pull this out
their little hat?
Can your friends go poof!
Well looky here
Can your friends go Abracadabra,
let 'er rip
And then make the sucker
disappear?
(Farore
imitates what she is calling Link, then turns into a certificate which rolls up
and surrounds Link. Farore pulls a list
written in ancient Hylian out of Link's ear, which she uses to rub his behind
like drying off after a shower.)
So don't you sit there
slack-jawed, buggy-eyed
I'm here to answer all your
midday prayers
You got me bona fide, certified
You got a goddess for a charge
d' affairs!
I got a powerful urge to help
you out
So what you wish I really want
to know
You got a which that's three
miles long, no doubt
So all you gotta do is rub like
so, and oh!
(The dancing Gerudo harem girls reappear, and Link leans
in to kiss one. She turns into Farore,
who zaps four dancing elephants into existence. To the other direction, she zaps in four dancing camels, and a
grand finale dancing number ensues. Navi grabs as much gold as she can, but Farore wraps everything up in a
cyclone and zaps it away until they're all back in the realm.)
Oh Mister Link, my sir, have a wish
or two or three
I'm on the job, you big nabob
You ain't never had a friend,
never had a friend
You ain't never had a friend,
never had a friend
You ain't never... had a...
friend... like... me!
You ain't never had a friend
like me!
(Farore has a neon "Applause" sign behind her. Navi suddenly realizes that all her treasure
is gone.)
FARORE: So what'll it be, master?
LINK: You're gonna grant me any three wishes I
want?
FARORE: (as William F. Buckley) Ah,
almost. There are a few provisos, a couple
of quid pro quos...
LINK: Like?
FARORE: Ah, rule number one: I can't kill
anybody. (She slices her head off
with her finger.) So don't
ask. Rule two: I can't make anyone fall in love with anyone
else. (Her head turns into a big
pair of lips which kiss Link.) You
little punim, there. (Lies flat,
then gets up and transforms into a zombie.) Rule three: I can't bring people back from the dead. It's not a pretty picture, (She grabs
Link and shakes him) I don't like
doing it! (She poofs back to normal.) Other than that, you got it!
LINK: (Looks at Navi as if plotting) Ah, provisos? You mean limitations? On
wishes? (To Navi) Some all-powerful goddess... can't even
bring people back from the dead. I
don't know, Navi... she probably can't even get us out of this cave. Looks like we're gonna have to find a way
out of here...
(They
start to leave, but a big foot stomps down in front of them.)
FARORE: Excuse me? Are you lookin' at me? Did you
rub my Triforce? Did you wake me up, did
you bring me here? And all of a sudden,
you're walkin' out on me? (Gets
madder and madder) I don't think
so, not right now. You're gettin' your
wishes, so siddown! (They all get on
Carpet. Farore takes the form of a
stewardess, with lots of arms pointing out the exits.) In case of emergency, the exits are here,
here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, anywhere! Keep your hands and arms inside the carpet. We're... outta here!
(The
Carpet and passengers fly out of the sand in the desert and off into the
distance.)
