Title: The X-files: Of Extraterrestrials and Men
Author: Verbie, the Zero Wing worshipper! Heehee, for great justice!!!
Disclaimer: The X-files does not belong to me. NIH!
Summary: I hope that if there is INDEED a second movie, it's not like this. @_@;;

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Chapter 3: Here's... JONNY!
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[On a street somewhere. Scully has her hands and face pressed up against the glass wall of a TV shop. G-boyz-2G Boys Men Boyz come up behind her.]

SCULLY: (points) I want that one! No, no! This one! No, that one over there! NO! This grey one! Yeah! No, wait, what about-

MULDER: Scully, just PICK ONE!

SCULLY: Hm... but there are so many!

MULDER: (looks at the TVs) How about that nice 19" one over there?

SCULLY: 19"?! AS IF!! I won't settle for anything less then 24".

MULDER: (sighs) But your OLD tv was a 19"...

SCULLY: So? I think it's time for an improvement.

MULDER: Fine.

[G-boyz-2G Boyz Men Boyz and Scully go into the store. Scully faints when she sees who the cashier is.]

MULDER: (catching her) Whoa, Scully!

SCULLY: (opens eyes groggily, points) It's... crazy... Jewish... guy... on... news... show...

MULDER: (looks at cashier) WHOA!!!!

CASHIER: (blinks)

MULDER: Scully and I watch your show ALL THE TIME!

CASHIER: ...

SKINNER: The most important television program... EVER!

CASHIER: Yeah, I'm Jon Stewart.

[Fireworks go off in the sky and happy folk music starts playing in the background. Celebrity appearance #3! Woohoo! Bring on the reviews, Santa!!]

SCULLY: Wow... Jonny-poo... I don't know if you know this or not, but...

JON STEWART: What?

SCULLY: (looks at Mulder) You know when you did that donor procedure? It didn't work.

MULDER: Um... yeah, I know. You cried and we had a really shippy moment and it looked like you were gonna kiss me but you didn't and Verbena thought it was cute and she cried and then she went online and got really mad cuz everybody else thought that it sucked and one person said that you acted like a bitch in the diner scene and Verbena threw a sock at the wall because that person that said that thing is Satan.

SCULLY: (blinks) ...Yeah, but afterwards Dr. Parenti-

DOGGETT: Dr. ParentAY!

SCULLY: No, Parenti.

DOGGETT: PARENTAY!

SCULLY: (sighs) Whatever. He said that there was ANOTHER chance that I could become pregnant. I was gonna ask you again, but then I found this ad in the newspaper for a place that sells celebrity sperm, and... well...

MULDER: Oh, god, don't tell me...

SCULLY: (looks at Jon Stewart and smiles) You're the father.

JON STEWART: ...(blinks)

MULDER: (slaps forehead) D'oh!

JON STEWART: No way... NO WAY!

SCULLY: What? Don't you LIKE me?

JON STEWART: I'M MARRIED!!!!

SCULLY: You should have thought about that before you became a donor.

JON STEWART: THIS IS NOT HAPPENING!!!!!

MULDER: THIS IS SERIOUSLY NOT HAPPENING!!!!

JON STEWART: AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

MULDER: AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

SCULLY: Hm... will Samantha celebrate Christmas... or Hakunna?

JON STEWART: AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

MULDER: AHHHHHHHH!!!!!

SCULLY: Hehe, Samantha's going to be SO happy when she finds out that her father is a really cute Jewish news anchorman!

MULDER: Scully... how... HOW COULD YOU?!?!?

SCULLY: How could I what?

MULDER: You.. you know what I'm talking about!!!

SCULLY: Well, I'm sorry, Mulder, but... heh, atleast it's better then a funny-looking lizard baby that goes "baaaaaa!!"

JON STEWART: I can't believe it... I have a DAUGHTER?! Where is she??

SCULLY: (bottom lip quivers) She was taken... by evil government men. Or aliens. Or... or something! (sobs)

JON STEWART: ...

MULDER: ...

DOGGETT: ...

SKINNER: ...

KERSH: ...

SCULLY: HELLO?!?! Isn't anyone going to hold me and stroke my hair as I weep? And isn't a sad version of my theme song supposed to play in the background?

SKINNER: I'll... I'll hold you, Dana. (holds her and strokes her hair)

MULDER: Hmph. Jebus Christ, there's been more SSR in the eighth season then MSR! How whack is THAT?!

KERSH: Hey, you guys are lucky. Chris has NEVER given me an intimate moment with the red-headed beauty.

DOGGETT: (gives him "a look") You're Kersh.

KERSH: So?

DOGGETT: (shakes head)

KERSH: Hey, just because I'm black doesn't mean I shouldn't get some hot lovin', too!

MULDER: You don't really understand, do you? YOU'RE KERSH.

KERSH: ... (crosses arms) You're all racist!

DOGGETT: (rolls eyes)

MULDER: Hey, Skin-man, are you done hitting on Scully yet?

SKINNER: I'm not "hitting" on her. I'm comforting her like a good friend should.

MULDER: Well, that's enough. (grabs Scully) Come on, Scully, let's go.

SCULLY: (sniffles) No! I wanna stay here with Jonny-poo. (hugs him)

JON STEWART: ...

MULDER: But what about Samantha?!

SCULLY: Jonny-poo will help me find her, right, Jonny-poo?

JON STEWART: Um... I have a show to do...

SCULLY: You mean, you don't care about my daughter? You don't care if something bad happens to her? (eyes fill with tears) She's your daughter too! If she dies then it's all your fault!! (sobs)

SKINNER: (pokes her shoulder) Um... want me to hold you again?

SCULLY: No, it's okay. (shoos him away) ... (starts sobbing again)

JON STEWART: (sighs) Well... I suppose Steven Colbert can fill in for me.

SCULLY: (face lights up) Oh, thank you, thank you!

MULDER: Grrr... Scully, come on! How will HE be able to help you? Jon Stewart doesn't know anything about what's going on!

SCULLY: Well... neither do you.

MULDER: Oh. I guess you're right. But STILL, Scully... you'd really pick Jon Stewart over me?

SCULLY: Mulder, I'm not picking him over you. I just... I just want him to come along.

MULDER: (crosses arms) Fine. But I want you to know, Stewart, that I'll be keepin' an eye on you.

JON STEWART: Hmph.

SCULLY: Oh yeah, a television set. I can have one for free, right?

JON STEWART: What?! Of course not!

SCULLY: But... I'm the mother of your daughter.

JON STEWART: (sighs) You can have your TV later. Let's just concentrate on finding Samantha for now.

SCULLY: (shrugs) Okay, sweetie-pie.

MULDER: Grrr...

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TRL Studios
Times Square

CONAN: Alright, Carson, think you can do this without screwing up?

CARSON DAILY: I'm not sure. What am I going to get in return?

CONAN: Um... a year's supply of Beano?

CARSON DAILY: Hey, there's NOTHING wrong with my flatulence.

CONAN: Okay then. Well, what do you want?

CARSON DAILY: Hook me up with that raven-haired chick... you know, the one that hasn't made an appearance in this fanfic yet?

CONAN: Agent Reyes? Alright, I'll see what I can do. Now, go out there and bring back some agent heads!

CARSON DAILY: Right-o, Conan!

[Carson Daily marches off into the darkness with that pokey weapon thing that you stick into the back of the neck.]

To be continued...