"Uncertainty"
By Adrienne
Author's Note: Told from Abby's point of view.
Spoilers: Through "Survival of the Fittest"
We've been together for nearly six months now. I wake up every morning next to him, and fall asleep with him every night, but still he's something of an enigma. Lately he's come around though, smiled more, joked, and scared me half to death when he put toy snakes in my locker. He's caring, compassionate and thoughtful. But there's a part of him that I can never reach, a dark place filled with horrible memories and a woman and two kids he loved with his heart and soul. I know I can never replace them; I don't want to replace them, I just want to make him happy. Because I think I'm falling in love with him.
How do I tell him this? What if I scare him away? What would I do without him? These are the thoughts that fill my head constantly. I want him to know how I feel, but what if he doesn't feel the same way? My heart swells and I grin like a teenager with a crush everytime I see him. Sometimes when we're alone I think there's something he wants to say, something he wants to tell me, but he always hesitates, and then says nothing.
After Richard and I broke up, I thought I could never trust anyone again, much less fall in love. But now I wonder if I ever knew what love was, because my feelings for Luka are stronger and unlike anything I've ever felt. It's a constant, delicious ache of need and adoration.
On our first date he killed a mugger who attacked us. Not exactly a great start to any relationship. I was scared of him, but at the same time knew that he had no one, so I needed to be there for him. And then my mother showed up. The last time she did this I swore I would never go through it again, but I did. Whether it's out of a blood tie or guilt or obligation, I always take care of her. I needed someone so much, but Luka wasn't there. I cried every night in the bathroom, and ran the water so he wouldn't hear me. I had to be strong for him. So, I turned to Carter, which in retrospect was probably a mistake. I was his sponsor, not the other way around.
Perhaps I have that abused wife complex, staying with men like Richard, and then Luka. Luka was never abusive, but it was a bad relationship, and I knew it, everyone knew it. I've always been in the role of caretaker for Eric, Maggie, Richard, and then Luka. Maybe I stayed with him because I had nothing, because taking care of him made me feel secure, if that makes any sense. That's probably why I became a nurse. I could never help myself, but I could help other people.
I know Luka thinks about his wife and kids all the time. How could he not? I often wonder what Danijela was like, and wonder if I'm anything like her. In a way I'm jealous of her, which is stupid because she's gone and I'm here, but to Luka she will always be that perfect angel that he loved for so many years. He never speaks of her unless I ask, and then it's always short answers. But it's a comfort to know that he is capable of a love like that, and maybe one day he'll feel that way for me.
When it comes to Marko and Jasna, it's a different thing altogether. He loves to speak of them, and I love to listen to that. His face lights up when he talks about their first steps, first words, birthday parties, likes and dislikes. At the hospital he looks longingly at young children that remind him of his own. I imagine he wants kids again, and sometimes I fantasize about what it would be like in a couple years if we were married and had a baby. I know Luka would be a great father, but would I be a good mother? What if I passed on bipolar disorder from my mother to my baby? I would never want to hurt my child, or put her through a childhood like mine.
I know it's the bishop that caused the change in Luka's mood. I never ask, but I know he found a piece of mind, and I hope one day he'll be able to tell me what happened to his family. In all the years I've been a nurse and all the horrible things I've seen, I've never come across anyone so haunted by their memories as he is.
I hope I can find the courage to tell him how I feel. I hope he feels the same way. I hope that this time I can find a happy ending. I hope.
