Glaringly Obvious - Part 2
Glaringly Obvious
Part 2
by: Pandora

DISCLAIMER: Joss owns all. I own none of the characters and make not a cent from writing this.
DISTRIBUTION: Those who already have my permission, feel free. Anyone else, please let me know.
RATING: PG-13
SPOILERS: Anything up to and including the end of Crush is fair game.
REVIEW: That would be great!
SUMMARY and NOTES: Spike is reflecting on his feelings after Buffy shuts the door in his face at the end of Crush. In other words, he's thinking things over. Everything is going on in his mind.

Glaringly Obvious
Part 2

She.. shut.. the door... in my.. face. She.. bloody well.. SHUT.. the door.. in.. my.. FACE! And.. as if that wasn't enough, my open invitation was rescinded as well. After three years of enterin' her house at will, I am now persona non grata at Casa de Summers. With the simple act of closing a door, she took away my last chance.

There was an odd look on'r face b'fore she shut the door though. It looked like she was considerin' somethin'. Was she thinkin' 'bout lettin' me in again? Maybe... she was.. thinkin' 'bout.. what.. I said? No, bugger it all, Spike, don't go all poofty. No reason to get your 'opes up...

I'm a bloody, stupid fool to think she'd respond well to being chained and threatened with death the way my insane ex would. I love her more than anything in my life or unlife, and now I've lost any chance I might've 'ad by my unthinkin', idiotic actions. It's all my fault for being such a dunce.

Might as well call myself Peaches now... Yeah, I'll ring the poof in LA and tell'm I've taken up 'is name b'cause I also fell in love with the Slayer. He'd have a heart attack at that news if his heart actually worked. Hey, that sounds like fun. Maybe some good can come of this mess, since no matter 'ow much pain I'm in, at least I get to share it with Angel. Y'know.. usually, causing pain to broody hair-gel boy would make me feel better, but for some reason, it doesn't right now. hmmm..

I guess when she told me to leave, she WAS dead serious. Those words she spoke were filled with venom. I can still hear 'em loud and clear: "It changes everything, Spike! I want you out. I want you out of this town, I want you off this planet! You don't come near me, my friends, or my family again ever! Understand?" Never thought words could hurt so much, even though I didn't think she actually meant them. I thought she was just workin' off her anger for being chained up and everything else I put her through tonight, but obviously I was wrong, judgin' by the door shuttin' in my face and the anti-invite.

Now all I feel is pain, pain that is INTENSE, to say the least. I've been on this earth for 120 odd vampire years plus 26 human years, and I've never experienced pain such as this. I don't even know how to describe it with words. Words are just.. inadequate...

In fact, I told Dru that the pain caused by the chip was searin' and blindin', but this emotional torment FAR eclipses any pain I've felt before, EVEN from the chip. I'd rather 'ave the blasted chip go off for hours than feel this total sense of loss. I thought when Dru cheated on me with Angelus it was bad. I thought when she left me for a chaos demon and a then a fungus demon it was bad. But there.. is.. NO.. comparison. Those things were child's play.

Y'know, it's interestin' to think that.. 'cause maybe I never actually loved Dru. I doubt I'd 'ave been interested in her when she was human. I don't know how I stood listening to her insane dribbling for over a hundred years. I'm surprised it didn't drive ME crazy. The love I thought I felt for her was probably nothing more than the sire/childe bond. Plus, I'd just been rejected by that bint Cecily. I was most likely just grateful that she took me away from being the butt of everyone's jokes, nothing more.. What I feel for Buffy is far stronger. Far stronger , but also capable of causing much more pain. Bloody hell! How do I make this torment STOP?

It's not like I don't realize that I brought this on myself. I'm not a bloody fool about everything. I know I've done plenty to deserve her hatred. Not only have I tried to kill her numerous times, but I've also PLAYED on her insecurities far too many times to number. Shit, last year I even tried to get the Scooby gang to turn against each other for Adam. It's no.. bleedin'.. WONDER she can't see me as anything but an evil demon. I've not really done much to show myself differently.

And lest I forget, when speaking of playing on her insecurities, I've said some horrible things to her about her man-keeping skills. All out of jealousy, of course, but she didn't know that. She could've kept me forever with one kind word. Shit, I'd 'ave stayed with mean words and plenty of shagging. I'd 'ave stayed for any measly amount of attention. She's golden.. she's my sun.. SHE'S MY SLAYER! Bugger it all, I sound like the poofter. Yep, just call me Peaches...

That brings to mind some things I've said quite recently about her and Captain Cardboard, but I don't think she'd 'ave taken those things too seriously. She can't 'ave missed the way I look at her, can she? I wonder what she saw in that wanker? Her taste in men has always been on the blah side. She'd be better off with that whelp Xander, and that says a lot!

While I'm thinkin' 'bout this, I can't very well forget what I did last year when I got the Gem of Amara. I was a complete sod. That stupid prick Parker dumped her after he got a taste of her wonderful body, and then I acted like a complete blackguard and told her she was so bad in bed that she wasn't worth a second go. What was I thinking? Even back then I'd 'ave JUMPED at the chance to get in her pants. It's no wonder she can't stand the sight of me, I must be a constant reminder of her self-perceived problems pleasing men (conveniently created by myself and Angelus).

So many mistakes. It'd take me forever to catalog them, and doing so'd just make me feel worse, so I might as well stop now. Can't do anything to change what I've done in the past and she won't even let me apologize for hurting her. How COULD I 'ave hurt her so much?

I always knew there was something special about her, even before I admitted that I loved her. Shit, when Red put that spell on us, it was wonderful to be able to touch her and kiss her. Maybe I should get Red to do another spell..... Nah, Buffy'd never forgive me for doing that.

So, what do I do? Should I do as she said and leave? Or should I stay and fight for her and alongside her? Right now, all I want to do is stand 'ere til the sun rises and be rid of the pain, but I don't think I'll do that quite yet. Still, if I stay, what chance do I 'ave of gettin' her to give me a chance? Probably no chance at all, but if I leave, I definitely will not have a chance.

Damn. What should I do?