The Letter

by

Princess McPhee

Disclaimer: I don't own them. Jason Katims does, and apparently he has a very bad sense of humor, because we're all going to miss Alex terribly, I'm sure.

Rating: PG

May 3, 2001

Dear Alex,
I don't know where to start. There's been so much in our lives that's happened together, and so many times that I didn't appreciate you. I feel so bad for that, Alex, and I really regret not being able to tell you.
I can't tell you how much I hate myself sometimes for not realizing how much I loved you, all that time that I was too busy being cool or popular to notice you, let alone give you the time of the day.
But the truth is, I've always felt something for you. Something powerful. And it scared me, more than a little.
You see, before you, there were never any guys that meant anything to me. There was friendship occasionally, and caring usually, but almost never was there any need for each other, let alone love. You, Alex Whitman, showed me how to love, and I wish I could tell you that.
I wish that I hadn't let you puppy-dog after me for so long, and I wish I'd realized that my dumb 'friends' could be dumped without any real damage to me or anyone else. You, on the other hand, couldn't, and now, I can't tell you this.
Damn it, I'm getting tears all over this letter. I hope it doesn't smear the ink. I don't know why. Nobody's ever going to read this anyway, but somehow, I still want it to be legible. Nothing that goes to the grave with you should be imperfect in any way.
You'll never know how many times I wrote this over in my head. Should I be poised? Tearful? Loving, devastated? Eventually, I decided I should only write what I feel, in the purest form possible. This is it, Alex. This is the real thing. This is what hides under the masks. This is Isabel Evans.
I'm so sorry that I'll never get to tell you to your face, but I love you, Alex Whitman. I doubt I'll ever feel for another the same thing that I feel for you.
I am devastated, Alex. This isn't an act. Why would I act, there's no one to hide from. No one will ever read this again, because, like so many other things, you'll take it to the grave.
I'll miss you, Alex. I'll miss so many special things about my firsts without you by my side. The first time I make love with a man, the first time I bare my soul to someone, the first time I live on my own, they'll all be without you. And I can hardly bear the thought.
So, this is good-bye, Alex. I'll miss you so much. Never again, will I hear your funny quips, your wry sense of humor, your caring for all the beings of this earth, be they human or alien.
I love you for accepting me the way I am without restraint. You never hid what you felt from me, and I'm so glad for that, Alex. I only wish I had one moment in which to tell you that I feel the same way. That nothing will ever be the same again without you in my life.
You're it, Alex. You're my first love.

All my heart,

Isabel

Back to The Palace of the Royal Four

Back to The Palace of the Royal Four Fanfic

Summary: When Isabel throws her rose on top of the coffin at Alex's funeral, there's a piece of paper with it. Assume that piece of paper is a letter. This is it.