Part VI
by SwordSkill
Author's Notes: Whew...sorry, it's been a long time. Well, enjoy this part for the time being because I'll be out busy writing the batch prophecy for each of us seniors in our school (there's like almost three hundred seniors here...no kidding)...and that's gonna take a very long time. And I've just become the sole designer of the school notebook (groan). Looks like I'm gonna have a very busy month. Oh, and in one A/N I stated that Ling (the movie Ling) won't appear here, but I guess I was wrong. Don't forget to R/R!
The next two weeks came and went. Shang was frequently seen working away with his troops as they prepared to battle the rumored Huns. Mulan was very much contented with her Kuan Ming, and didn't even turn up an eye when she heard that Shang had grown very close to Rong Lei-lei. Besides, Kuan Ming had already begun to show signs of affection, and Mulan had always flushingly accepted them.
The day finally came when brave young men led by their general Shang were ready to catch the Huns. Peking gave them a grand parade as they marched out of the city. Red lanterns were hung on every roof, and victory marches were played by the Imperial band. Kites of different shapes and sizes were flown to the sky, and dragon dances were performed for victory and good luck. All of Peking were out of their houses as wellwishers said their goodbyes or prayed for luck. Even Mulan, who managed to squeeze her way through Peking's dense populace.
The army was sandwiched between the band and the dragons. Shang was garbed in his military uniform, red cape flowing and white robe spotless. He was followed by his old comrades whom Mulan knew very well: Yao, Ling, Chien-Po, and some of the other fellows, followed by some new spanking recruits. Her old friends grinned and waved at her, and she waved back. Shang sportly tried to catch Mulan's eye, but she looked away from him. He felt hurt; this might be the last time he saw her if the rumors were true, but he did not let it show in his stern countenance. He wanted to step off his horse and tell her that the gossip about Lei-lei weren't true; in fact, Shang had a talk with Lei-lei the night before...
"Lei-lei, I'm very grateful of you being a good friend and all, but I'm afraid it won't work out," he said as gently as possible.
Lei-lei looked disappointed, so Shang dove in, "I'm sure you'll find a man more worthy of you. Besides, I'm a military man, and I don't settle on comfortable lives. Go find someone who can and will truly love you."
Lei-lei looked up slowly. Shang thought she was going to cry, but obviously, he haven't had enough girl experience. She said, "This was all Father's idea anyway." She flashed a grin. "I can live without you, don't worry."
Shang felt very relieved, and he said in a mocking tone, "I'm hurt!" They both laughed and departed as friends and nothing more.
If only he could tell her that. But Mulan looked as if she didn't want anything to do with him, so he kept silent and let her face pass on, although it was against his better judgment.
As they reached the edge of the city where the stream of citizens stopped, he said, "This is it, men." His voice had a funny, cracking tone. "We're not sure if there are Huns there or not, but we might as well make sure to live each day as if it's our last day on earth." He raised his voice. "A show of hands of those who are not willing to go to battle."
There were none.
Shang blew his breath and looked to the horizon where he and his men would be marching into. He blinked a few unexpected tears. He would rather have Mulan have her happiness...a family with Ming...rather than with him...if Ming meant that much to her. Her happiness was much more important; besides, to love is to sacrifice. If Shang loved her that much, he would. And he did.
Well, he's gone.
Mulan slowly disengaged herself from the wave of human bodies, thinking. She knew Shang had tried to catch her eye, longingly, as if he wanted to tell her something...
"Mulan. You saw the army off?"
Mulan heard Ming's resonant voice and said shortly, "Yes. Did you?"
"I did not." He came to her side. "So many men out to die. Brave, I must say, but foolish."
"Foolish?" Mulan bit her lip, trying to control the intensity of her voice as she faced Ming. "They are young men who love their country and would die for it."
Ming sighed and said, "Well, yes, your point is well taken."
"Would you do it?" asked Mulan suddenly.
"Excuse me?"
"Would you die for your country?" she said. She was wondering what he would say. She knew Shang would give an immediate yes.
"Well..." Ming hesitated, then flashed a disarming smile. "With you in it, I would gladly go into battle for you."
Mulan nodded. So Ming wasn't as brave as Shang. Well, she must have realized that. Besides, Shang was a military man. But then she argued, But what has bravery got to do with love?
"Shall I walk you home?" asked Ming, interrupting the train of thoughts.
Mulan said sweetly, to hide her disappointment, "Of course, Ming."
Mulan was very much quiet on the way home. For once she found a flaw in Ming. Well, of course everyone has flaws, but it seemed as if this was her first time to see Ming as...somehow imperfect. Was it because Shang already left and she...
Of course not. Shang was gone and Ming was staying.
At least that was what she thought.
A few days went, and before Mulan knew it, a week had already passed after Shang's leave. She had felt strangely melancholic the whole week, as if something was missing, which she acknowledged as Shang. But why would she miss him? Hadn't he thoroughly insulted her, and showed her that he hated her? Well, maybe hate was a bit too harsh...that he did not want her friendship...as if she was not worthy of him?
But there was Ming, whose true feelings for her were starting to manifestate. Mulan would usually blush at the thought. He had been a very gentle, manly gentleman to her, and was starting to get bolder. They've had many days alone just talking and being with each other. But he lacked something that Mulan had dearly shared with Shang: being fun.
Humor. Light-heartedness. She was starting to forget what they were. Often times Mulan would have to sit through a whole lecture of Ming's view on the significance of life philosophy. Ming never said humorous things...well, if he did, Mulan would just permit herself a feeble smile. But even so, she consoled herself, Ming was a very good man to her.
She knew very well that he was soon going to ask her THE question. In fact, she was looking forward to it so she could have all this maddening parrying with her feelings over. And her wish came soon enough, on an innocent, Saturday afternoon...
Ming had asked her for a walked by the glades in the valley that morning. The moment he asked her, she knew what was going to happen.
Ming was there, more punctual than usual, and he was dressed in a more formal robe than usual. When he met her and finished paying her the usual niceties, he stopped talking and his eyes went straight to hers.
Mulan's heart banged in her chest.
He gave a very poetic speech about her, laced with compliments and drama.
Then he asked her.
Ming waited. She waited. The whole world waited for the fateful yes.
This was it.
She took a breath with a big red "Yes!" flashing in her head, opened her mouth, and said...
But nothing would come out! Instead she found herself stuttering, "I..uh...er...I don't think...no, wait a minute..."
"Yes, Mulan?" asked Ming smilingly, thinking that Mulan was so affected that she couldn't get the words out.
"I...I...I c-can't!"
"What?" Ming's eyes widened.
"What I meant was," said Mulan, trying to control her dizziness and confusion, "I meant that ye..uh..no!"
"No?" Ming looked slightly perturbed.
"No, meaning that of..of cour...uh..." Mulan started panicking. What was wrong with her?! There seemed to be a dizzying battle raging in her head and a heavy feeling weighing on her heart...
You can't say it to him.
Yes, I can so!
You can't, because you love Shang.
I do not!
Don't lie to yourself, Mulan, especially not to your heart...
You must be true to your heart!
That's when the heavens will part,
And show the world what you believe in!
Open your eyes,
Your heart can tell you no lies!
And when you're true to your heart,
Then you've got all you need to make it through!
The crushing feeling was lifted from Mulan's chest as she finally stammered, "Ming...I...," she gasped, "I can't marry you!"
There was silence.
"Are you...quite sure?" asked Ming, looking hurt.
Mulan nodded numbly. No, not again! "Please," she said hoarsely, "please, you must understand, Ming."
"I understand very well. You've let me in a very long goose-chase," said Ming, trying to work up a weak smile.
"No," said Mulan, feeling a dreadful case of deja vu coming. "Honestly, I really thought..."
"Is it because of him?" asked Ming in a low voice.
Shang, Mulan thought. Was it because of him? She had thought she would automatically give Ming her word, but something blocked her from saying it. Images of Shang had filled up her head and she couldn't think straight. All she knew and believed at that perfect moment was that she could not give her word to anyone but...
"Yes," she whispered, letting her head sink to her chest."
She heard Ming give a miserable groan, "I thought so."
With head down, Mulan apologizingly said, "I'm..."
"No, don't say you're sorry," Kuan Ming said bitterly.
Mulan couldn't believe it. She had refused another man again! What was wrong with her? Everyone would think of her as the most hard-to-please girl in China if she kept this up!
"Well, I am very sorry," she said, feeling confused. "I don't know what's gotten into me."
"Whatever it is, I can't say that I'm very much in tune with it," said Ming wryly.
"Neither am I," said Mulan, thinking of Shang. "But whatever the case is, we can still part as friends, can't we?"
"If you can't accept me as anything more," said Ming slowly, "I suppose we could."
"Thanks," said Mulan, relieved. At least he didn't had to have a tantrum about the whole thing.
"Just tell me if you change your mind," said Ming.
That won't be necessary. "You're very kind, Ming." She paused and said, "Could we go home now?"
"Sure."
"You've lost your head, Mulan."
Xiao Ling shook her head in amazement. Mulan had gone straight to her house and had just told her the whole story, and frankly, Xiao Ling thought that even if the whole male population was shoved up in Mulan's face, she wouldn't have any of them.
"Except a dashing general who's out of town," she murmured.
"What was that, Xiao Ling?"
"First you ditch Shang..." began Xiao Ling.
"Please, don't rub it," muttered Mulan.
Ahh, here was progress! noted Xiao Ling. She said, "I'm not one who usually says 'I told you so', but I have to say it: I told you so."
Mulan glared at her. "I don't even know what's going on inside me; how could you know?"
Xiao Ling shrugged.
"So let's go back to the original issue here, all right?"
"Which is?" asked Xial Ling innocently.
"Why I just refused Ming?"
Xiao Ling thought for a while. Then she said quietly, "Why have we never talked about 'Why I refused Shang'? Is it because-"
"Enough Shang!" yelled Mulan angrily. The pent up emotions that she had long kept in check had started to leak. She couldn't keep it holed up inside her anymore. Something seemed to burst near her heart. "I know I made a mistake, all right? And there's no chance of Shang coming back to me, so let's leave it as is! How could I know that I didn't really love Ming? He was a decent man, wasn't he? And he didn't make any big fuss about this whole thing like Shang did..."
"Mulan..."
"Besides, I'm really starting to get sick of Shang," raged Mulan on. "True, so maybe I loved him once, but now, I don't think so. I couldn't care less if he died! " Tears started to spill on her eyes.
"Don't say things like that, Mulan!"
"And why not?" Mulan choked. "All he's ever given me is one heavy load of conscience! Everytime I set my eyes on another guy, his image flashes, and I can't even control my own thoughts, or my own actions! Everything I do has to be according to his will!"
"Mulan, for heaven's sake, get a grip of yourself!"
Mula stopped her rant, breathing heavily. There was a wild look in her eye as she stared at Xiao Ling.
Xiao Ling stared solidly back. "You know what you have to do, Mulan. Just give yourself another chance. You and Shang. Trust your heart; it's not yet too late."
