AUTHOR: Goddess Isa
EMAIL: goddessisa@aol.com
SUMMARY: Buffy is just contemplating dating Riley when the unexpected happens....
SPOILER: Pangs, IWRY - Doomed and Hush both took place before Christmas and the New Year and all. You'll see my explanation below.
DISTRIBUTION: Sandee, of course - My site - http://planetslaythis.homestead.com - Crystal and Butterfly if they want it - A Soul's Redemption - Anyone else - sure, just email me & lmk where it's going - I like seeing my name in print =)
RATING: TV-14 - for now
DISCLAIMER: Characters belong to Poophead Joss. I didn't come up with that name for him, but it's *so* true. The song, 'No Matter What' is what the title is derived from and it's by Boyzone.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is for Ashley - thanks for the kickass challenge idea! And thank you again for sending me the story I was missing. You're the best.
AUTHOR'S NOTES2: Okie, these are the ones that explain the timeline, so you may want to read it to understand. Buffy visited Angel in Los Angeles on November 23rd. Something Blue, Hush and Doomed make up the weeks 'till Christmas, and Buffy *NEVER* kissed Riley. He asked her out but she didn't accept. And now we're at December seventeenth, when all the students are packing up to go home for the holidays.
03/15/00
//No matter what they tell you
No matter what they do
No matter what they teach you
What you believe is true\\
"What?" Angel rushed into the living room, wearing only his silk boxers. Buffy stared at him and blinked a few times, realizing she could only have been asleep a couple of minutes.
"I remember," she said breathlessly. "Everything." she started coughing and he rushed into the kitchen to get her a glass of water. She took a couple sips of it and felt better.
"Okay, start over," he told her.
"I remember everything. Battling the demon in your office, going through the sewer and bickering with you, the way I tried to pretend I hadn't really come here just to see you. I remember you coming to the pier to get me, and the kisses, and you made tea for me, you even remembered to put sugar in it."
"Buffy...." he began but she cut him off.
"We were gonna just talk and not doing anything for awhile but when I went to leave, we couldn't stand it anymore. We made love on the kitchen table, we broke it and that's why you've got this newer one."
Angel stared at her. "How?"
"I've been having these dreams lately. Vivid ones, I can even feel them happening to me. It's like this warm feeling passes all through my body while I'm having them, and today, I realized they weren't dreams. I remember everything, even how it felt to be kissing you one minute and acting like a bitch hell-bent on getting revenge for you leaving me the next. Don't you know what all this means?" she asked.
"No," he said, still not understanding anything about this.
"It means we can be together! We can get married and raise the baby and--"
"BABY?" he demanded. "What baby? Who's having a baby?"
"Uh-oh," Buffy slid away from him. "Did I forget to mention that part?"
"You're PREGNANT?!?!?!?!?!" he asked.
"I'm glad you're so happy about it." she said dryly.
"I'm not angry. Not even a little bit. Frankly I couldn't be happier about the prospect of having a baby with you. I'm just shocked. Surprised and scared and....are you sure? Are you really, really, really sure?"
"I went to the doctor's on Monday. At first I thought it was from this stupid thing I did back in October but--"
"You were with someone." Angel sat down across from her and couldn't look her in the eye.
"It didn't mean anything, Angel. Really. I just--"
"You don't have to explain yourself to me, Buffy. It's your life, and you can do whatever you want with it. I mean, that's what I wanted for you. A normal college guy and a normal college life." he paused, then made a squeamish face. "You did use protection, right?"
"Angel!" she shouted, annoyed. "*First* of all, let me just say that you were exactly right when you said that this is *my* life. Second, you know how you wanted me to date a normal college guy and have a normal college life? Well all I got from the normal college guy was one date with a lousy night of sex and zero phone calls the next day or ever."
"Buffy," Angel reached out to touch her hand but she pulled away.
"No, don't. Just...don't. I know you're sorry for what he did and that right now, you'd probably like the guy to meet an ugly, painful death. Believe me, so would I. But for the first time since my parents' divorce, the person responsible for hurting me is one hundred percent human and I think that makes it hurt even more."
"Buffy, I am so, so sorry."
"Don't be sorry for what he did. Be sorry for what you did."
"Which thing?" he asked honestly.
"I'm shocked you realize there was more than one," she muttered. "I want you to be sorry for leaving me. Admit that you were wrong, that I'm not better off without you."
"Okay. I was, and I'm sorry."
"And I want you to know that I didn't come here so you would marry me, or want me to move in or anything else like that. I came here because I want you to know about the baby and be involved in his or her life."
"You know that I want that too, Buffy." he sat beside her and took her hands in his. "Ever since the day I first saw you, all I could think about was being with you. Holding you, touching you, kissing you. Making love to you, marrying you. When we were first dating, I'd lay in bed during the day and imagine what you would look like if you were pregnant with my child. I knew it could never happen, but you know how sometimes you just dream things."
"I know," she smiled almost nervously.
"If I could undo what I did--"
"Which thing?" she asked. "Leaving me after graduation or trying to erase our happiness?"
He sighed. "Buffy, you *know* why I did that. And you know, after Doyle died I spent a couple days wondering how the Hell it did us any good. He died anyway. I couldn't help him. And you guys almost did, with that whole Gentleman thing."
"Willow's emails are pretty thorough, huh?"
"She likes to keep me updated, just in case." he smiled. "Buffy, you know I never meant to hurt you. Everything I did, I did because--"
"I know, I know, you thought you were doing what was best for me."
"And I know better now." he admitted.
"It's almost too little, too late." she looked him in the eye. "I'm afraid to let myself get all wrapped up in you again."
"I understand that."
"Do you?" she stood up and began pacing around the couch. "Do you *really*? Because I don't see how you could. I mean, you're the one who's abandoned me every time I really needed you."
"Well you're the one who runs away whenever things get serious."
"How can you even say that?" she demanded.
"Spike comes to Sunnydale and tells you we can't be friends, you run away. *You* ask *me* to pretend to be evil to trap Faith, and you run away. I don't know what to do anymore, Buffy. All I know is that I love you."
She couldn't help but look at him when he said that.
"And I love this baby, our baby, that you're carrying. If you wanna try to make things work, if you want me to move back to Sunnydale or anything, I'll do it. I'm leaving this up to you this time."
"Took you long enough." she commented.
"I deserve anything you say to me."
"You're right, you do." she sat back down and finished the water. Then she turned sort of green.
"Buffy, are you--"
She sprinted for the bathroom and made it to the toilet just in time. She came out a minute later and asked Angel for something really cold to drink. He gave her orange juice mixed with 7Up, remembering that it was her favorite.
"I can't believe you actually have food in your apartment." she said.
"I don't, it's Cordelia's."
Buffy laughed. "Figures."
"So," he sat next to her.
"So," she repeated.
"Do you want to try this again?"
"I--"
"Before you make any decisions," Cordelia said, standing in the center of the kitchen. "There's something you need to know."
"Where did you come from?" Angel asked.
"I took the stairs. I can walk really quietly in these shoes." she smiled. "I told Buffy about the vision I had this morning, but I've been hiding another one from both of you since I first inherited this permanent headache."
"What is it?" Buffy asked.
"Angel's soul isn't going anywhere. It's permanent."
