Part 2

"I don't understand you. Why didn't you go back to her? You can now, need I remind
you. It's possible."

I looked up at the blue sky and chose not to respond. I knew how possible it was. But I
also knew it was hopeless. So I made an effort to ignore him and marveled at the
beauty of day and its life-giving light. I felt so alive. I was alive. Nearly a year as a
human and it stilled overwhelmed me.

"Don't ignore me, Angel."

I ignored him.

"Come on! Tell me why you can't be with her. Look at me and tell me, friend to friend,
human to demon, why? I mean, god, you must have a reason. And it better be a good
reason, too." I was beginning to think Lorne had super-persuasive powers.

"Look, the exact second I became human, I thought of Buffy, I thought that perhaps I
could finally be with her. Give her the life she needs. My mind was plagued by her. Her
laughter, her eyes. Her pain. And I knew I couldn't go back."

"Why not?" Lorne had a look of frustration on his face, one that probably matched
mine.

Didn't he understand? I left her so she could find something that was worth her love. I
wasn't going to be selfish and go back. I didn't have the right anymore. I lost it when I
left. A couple months after I visited her on the day of her mother's funeral, she sent me
a letter, telling me very politely about her life, nothing extremely important. She wanted
to keep in touch with me, wanted to know what was going on. I never wrote back. I
wanted to. Everytime I looked at the letter I kept in my drawer, I would feel a desire to
pick up a pen. Tell her about my inevitable shanshu. Confess my love. Tell her I wanted
to be with her every second of the day since I left. But what was I supposed to say? I
know you don't think I love you anymore, but I do. So dump your boyfriend and give me
a chance I really don't deserve. Oh yeah, did I mention I'm human?

I couldn't do that to her. I had to sever all ties and end it. I had to be strong for the both
of us.

I never got a letter from her again. But I still half-expect Cordelia to come in one day
with the mail and tell me there was one from Buffy. And every time she didn't, I would
reprimand myself. It was my fault for having hope.

"Because she has a life. She has her friends, her life. Riley. I can't just barge back into
her life and disturb everything I gave her when I left." I gripped my fist, mind flooded
with thoughts of a thousand ways I could make Riley hurt.

"But I saw you in my dream. With Buffy. In the sun. You were happy. She was happy.
Both of you were happy. You two were on some ship on the ocean and smiling like the
happy couple you guys were. Like Jack and Rose but without Celine Dion singing in the
background." I stared at him incredulously. Obviously, he had little too much vodka that
night.

"It was just a dream. A stupid, meaningless dream. Probably residue from your
aura-readings. It was nothing. Give it up." I knew he would not but everything was worth
a try. Except for maybe trying to be with Buffy again. For the past week, Lorne had
done nothing but hound me, stalk me, swear to never leave me alone until I called her.
Wesley, Cordelia, and Gunn were probably suffering extreme ear-damage. I know I am.
I turned my back on him and moved towards my hotel, suddenly feeling like I got
enough sun today.

"Do you still love her?" I paused and turned back to him, not knowing what to say. Of
course I loved her. Loved her so much, I didn't care about my own pain. Her happiness
is my solace. Everything I do is for her. Kill one demon, save one life, make Buffy
proud. It hurt to know she didn't love me anymore. Pain like a venomous shadow eating
away at my heart. But she was happy. And sometimes, thinking about that made my
hurt fade a little.

"You know what. Don't answer that. It's as obvious as," he looked up at the sky and
then turned back to me, "the light of day. You love her. And as the shining sun is my
witness, I will not ignore the task given to me by a greater power, and help get you two
back together."

I suddenly wished I was a vampire again. Then I could fling myself out into the sun and
explode into a million particles of dust. Death had to be a better option than this.